I finally get where that all should have leaded to in the very beginning.
This all sounds way more like losing faith into humanity and being desperate about you not being able to do something against it. I haven't seen much improvement in the past ages, decades, centuries. The only thing one can try, is simply giving up or trying to do the best to improve it.
This leads slowly to another topic, imo.
The Verge of Suicide
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This is Serious Discussion. If you want to tell us how your day was or just get some things off your chest, you will find ample opportunity to find a corner to discuss all the good things we see, or reach out to anyone who needs help. Just remember to pay attention to the Principles of Serious Discussion, and link to the source if posting news.
This is Serious Discussion. If you want to tell us how your day was or just get some things off your chest, you will find ample opportunity to find a corner to discuss all the good things we see, or reach out to anyone who needs help. Just remember to pay attention to the Principles of Serious Discussion, and link to the source if posting news.
Re: The Verge of Suicide
Thumbs up x4 
by ~MP3 Amplifier~ » June 2nd, 2013, 9:02 am
I'm gonna go off the humanity subject as that isn't something I personally get angry about. I know a lot of this is based on depression as suicidal moods often originate from it. I just wanna continue as best as I can below ¬
I've never been able to take pessimism too well. But you know, it's not because I'm optimistic all the time and I'm worried it wrecks my moods, it's because pessimism hurts me.
I've felt too much of it in my life. Pessimism makes me want to cry alone.
Pessimism makes me remember the times I was abused and bullied, makes me remember the time I self harmed at the very beginning and makes me remember the time I starved myself for almost 5 days and forced myself to get thin.
I read your post Ayray and you know what? I cried.
Because every time you post, you outline every single feeling I ever had. You may not believe it and I'm not going to make you, but I actually KNOW the pain you're going through. Pain comes in all sorts of varieties and ranges, yes, but you have to understand- there are some types of pain that people will feel the same as others. The very fact that you outline and type out the exact same words that described every feeling I ever had in my whole life during my depression means that I know the pain your going through right now.
When you rage and shout in your posts, I cry. It's not because I'm angry at you, it's because I've had a few friends die in the past, once from suicide. I didn't know her that well but to this day it hurts me like you wouldn't believe. Back in December I was crying every night because of her. Now, we talk a lot over the internet and you even called me your best mate in the past. Do you honestly think I'm going to sit back, wait for you to die, do nothing about it, and then forget all about you?
Because y'know what? I'm gonna get tough. It's a little something called tough love. I'm not gonna sit here and type all sensitively because of what you said may have hurt me but I'm actually gonna fight a losing battle. You do not, I repeat, DO NOT deserve the pain and deserve to die. Something is keeping you here, tell me about it.
Is it music? Is it a fear?
Whatever it is, work on it. It's gonna save your life. I am incredibly shy on calls and with singing. Do you want me to call you or sing over skype? I will actually face my fear of this in the hope that I'm fighting a battle that we can still win.
You don't have to do this alone. You don't have to give in. You'll probably want to, as undoubtedly it's the easiest option, but you don't have to.
You are worth more than this. You are worth my time. If you weren't worth my time do you think I would have replied here with long messages like how many times?
Ayray. Look at me. (or pretend to see me past this screen lol) You are worth EVERYTHING. You DO NOT deserve to die. You WILL get through this. The very fact that you're STILL HERE and posting here means there is something very deep inside of you, no matter how small it is, that wants to fight and is looking for a reason not to die.
You know, and I think a few of my friends on here can confirm this, but I always used to talk to them and say "I'm not happy anymore". I always used to say "I don't want to fight at all". They used to reply "But you're still here that means something is keeping you here". I used to deny it, y'know. I used to say, no, there's nothing keeping me. I would never let them see what I thought was a 'weak' side of me. I wanted them to believe I couldn't be helped and that I wasn't worth their time and I thought the 'weak' side of me was giving in and telling them I knew I could be saved if I tried but I don't want to try.
No matter HOW MUCH I refused what they said and how much I said they were wrong, I couldn't hide the truth from myself. I knew secretly that they were right. I'm still here because something very deep inside of me wants to fight, no matter how tiny it is. Nobody's exactly the same so for all I know, that may not be the case for you. But I hope you understand that you don't have to prove to us that you don't need help. If what I'm saying to you, in that a small part of you wants to live, is completely false then you don't need to rage or shout at us as I am just trying to get you to really dig deep into your emotions and then we can find a proper answer.
If however, what I'm saying is true in that a part of you wants to live, even if it is a very very small part, you don't have to sit there and deny it thinking that you're weak if you admitted it. Just be truthful to yourself. If that is true, then just make that you recognise it. It doesn't matter whether we do or not, we just want you to find peace through living.
I promise you, it's possible. It might not seem it now; right now, you may be in a state of mind that you think everything is failing and collapsing around you; but I swear to you, on everything I have EVER experienced in this field, it's possible. The proof is all around you- there are 7 billion people in the world, all of whom have had difficulties in their lives, a lot more than you think of them have had difficulties like yours. They are all still here, living or surviving. They haven't given up, by the mere fact they're living in this world and feeling and are conscious and aware of their surroundings.
And besides, who knows what death brings? Who knows if it brings more pain? Even near death experiences aren't accurate, scientists have already shown that brain chemicals create the same hallucinations. No-one knows what death is until they are dead and can't be brought back to life. And by then, it's too late. You're stuck there forever.
Whatever you do now, is up to you. It really is. But whatever you do you are taking a risk. Now, I promise you, life does get better, and I don't promise things easily because I've been affected by trust in the past. It won't dramatically change, I know. But it will change over time, you may not even notice it's happening until it's happened.
Do whatever you need to do to live. Anti-depressants is something I'm considering and hopefully will be prescribed with some time this month. Maybe you don't need medication, maybe just a kind of talking therapy. Or maybe you just need counselling. Whatever it is, there are so many solutions to living happily and the brilliant thing about them is that if they don't work out, you can stop them and try something different, and you can combine them to your needs.
Now...death. That's the bigger risk, as nobody knows what happens after death. There may be heaven or hell like in Christian beliefs, there may be judgement day like in Muslim beliefs, there may be a ghost life, it may be reincarnation, or life after death may not even exist. We really don't know, and once you've died, you can't regret your actions and come back and try again. Suicide may send people to an endless firey abyss, I mean that's unlikely for me to believe, but sadly we have no proof for or against it. Whatever happens, death is totally unpredictable. Yes, it could bring happiness to you, but certainly not the people left behind. And it could also make everything for everyone 100 times worse, including you. And if an attempt fails, who knows where you end up. You could end up in a coma for 2 years. You could be put into hospital long term. You may be taken away from your family and friends and home. You could develop a serious illness. If you seriously attempt suicide there is rarely a clean way out of it. A lot of my attempts were half attempts, you know, things that would never kill you unless you had a heck load of motivation or if you were pretty unlucky. But in those cases where I did fully try, I really suffered from them. I don't want anyone to go through that ♥♥♥♥.
Please talk to me on skype. I can counsel you if you want. By that I don't mean offer to help you or give you endless pieces of advice, I just mean I'd listen to what you have to say and I wouldn't judge you. I'd just give you a private place to vent and get everything out of your system and then I'll just talk to you as a friend.
Please don't reply to this message angrily, I've wanted to be as sensitive and less direct as possible. I don't want my messages to give you an excuse to take out your frustration on everybody who cares, I just want you to read them and honestly consider everything I said and just think about it. I'm not asking you to share everything on your mind and your reactions with us, I'm just asking you to recognise it for yourself and see if you can understand what I mean through the monster that is called depression.
I've never been able to take pessimism too well. But you know, it's not because I'm optimistic all the time and I'm worried it wrecks my moods, it's because pessimism hurts me.
I've felt too much of it in my life. Pessimism makes me want to cry alone.
Pessimism makes me remember the times I was abused and bullied, makes me remember the time I self harmed at the very beginning and makes me remember the time I starved myself for almost 5 days and forced myself to get thin.
I read your post Ayray and you know what? I cried.
Because every time you post, you outline every single feeling I ever had. You may not believe it and I'm not going to make you, but I actually KNOW the pain you're going through. Pain comes in all sorts of varieties and ranges, yes, but you have to understand- there are some types of pain that people will feel the same as others. The very fact that you outline and type out the exact same words that described every feeling I ever had in my whole life during my depression means that I know the pain your going through right now.
When you rage and shout in your posts, I cry. It's not because I'm angry at you, it's because I've had a few friends die in the past, once from suicide. I didn't know her that well but to this day it hurts me like you wouldn't believe. Back in December I was crying every night because of her. Now, we talk a lot over the internet and you even called me your best mate in the past. Do you honestly think I'm going to sit back, wait for you to die, do nothing about it, and then forget all about you?
Because y'know what? I'm gonna get tough. It's a little something called tough love. I'm not gonna sit here and type all sensitively because of what you said may have hurt me but I'm actually gonna fight a losing battle. You do not, I repeat, DO NOT deserve the pain and deserve to die. Something is keeping you here, tell me about it.
Is it music? Is it a fear?
Whatever it is, work on it. It's gonna save your life. I am incredibly shy on calls and with singing. Do you want me to call you or sing over skype? I will actually face my fear of this in the hope that I'm fighting a battle that we can still win.
You don't have to do this alone. You don't have to give in. You'll probably want to, as undoubtedly it's the easiest option, but you don't have to.
You are worth more than this. You are worth my time. If you weren't worth my time do you think I would have replied here with long messages like how many times?
Ayray. Look at me. (or pretend to see me past this screen lol) You are worth EVERYTHING. You DO NOT deserve to die. You WILL get through this. The very fact that you're STILL HERE and posting here means there is something very deep inside of you, no matter how small it is, that wants to fight and is looking for a reason not to die.
You know, and I think a few of my friends on here can confirm this, but I always used to talk to them and say "I'm not happy anymore". I always used to say "I don't want to fight at all". They used to reply "But you're still here that means something is keeping you here". I used to deny it, y'know. I used to say, no, there's nothing keeping me. I would never let them see what I thought was a 'weak' side of me. I wanted them to believe I couldn't be helped and that I wasn't worth their time and I thought the 'weak' side of me was giving in and telling them I knew I could be saved if I tried but I don't want to try.
No matter HOW MUCH I refused what they said and how much I said they were wrong, I couldn't hide the truth from myself. I knew secretly that they were right. I'm still here because something very deep inside of me wants to fight, no matter how tiny it is. Nobody's exactly the same so for all I know, that may not be the case for you. But I hope you understand that you don't have to prove to us that you don't need help. If what I'm saying to you, in that a small part of you wants to live, is completely false then you don't need to rage or shout at us as I am just trying to get you to really dig deep into your emotions and then we can find a proper answer.
If however, what I'm saying is true in that a part of you wants to live, even if it is a very very small part, you don't have to sit there and deny it thinking that you're weak if you admitted it. Just be truthful to yourself. If that is true, then just make that you recognise it. It doesn't matter whether we do or not, we just want you to find peace through living.
I promise you, it's possible. It might not seem it now; right now, you may be in a state of mind that you think everything is failing and collapsing around you; but I swear to you, on everything I have EVER experienced in this field, it's possible. The proof is all around you- there are 7 billion people in the world, all of whom have had difficulties in their lives, a lot more than you think of them have had difficulties like yours. They are all still here, living or surviving. They haven't given up, by the mere fact they're living in this world and feeling and are conscious and aware of their surroundings.
And besides, who knows what death brings? Who knows if it brings more pain? Even near death experiences aren't accurate, scientists have already shown that brain chemicals create the same hallucinations. No-one knows what death is until they are dead and can't be brought back to life. And by then, it's too late. You're stuck there forever.
Whatever you do now, is up to you. It really is. But whatever you do you are taking a risk. Now, I promise you, life does get better, and I don't promise things easily because I've been affected by trust in the past. It won't dramatically change, I know. But it will change over time, you may not even notice it's happening until it's happened.
Do whatever you need to do to live. Anti-depressants is something I'm considering and hopefully will be prescribed with some time this month. Maybe you don't need medication, maybe just a kind of talking therapy. Or maybe you just need counselling. Whatever it is, there are so many solutions to living happily and the brilliant thing about them is that if they don't work out, you can stop them and try something different, and you can combine them to your needs.
Now...death. That's the bigger risk, as nobody knows what happens after death. There may be heaven or hell like in Christian beliefs, there may be judgement day like in Muslim beliefs, there may be a ghost life, it may be reincarnation, or life after death may not even exist. We really don't know, and once you've died, you can't regret your actions and come back and try again. Suicide may send people to an endless firey abyss, I mean that's unlikely for me to believe, but sadly we have no proof for or against it. Whatever happens, death is totally unpredictable. Yes, it could bring happiness to you, but certainly not the people left behind. And it could also make everything for everyone 100 times worse, including you. And if an attempt fails, who knows where you end up. You could end up in a coma for 2 years. You could be put into hospital long term. You may be taken away from your family and friends and home. You could develop a serious illness. If you seriously attempt suicide there is rarely a clean way out of it. A lot of my attempts were half attempts, you know, things that would never kill you unless you had a heck load of motivation or if you were pretty unlucky. But in those cases where I did fully try, I really suffered from them. I don't want anyone to go through that ♥♥♥♥.
Please talk to me on skype. I can counsel you if you want. By that I don't mean offer to help you or give you endless pieces of advice, I just mean I'd listen to what you have to say and I wouldn't judge you. I'd just give you a private place to vent and get everything out of your system and then I'll just talk to you as a friend.
Please don't reply to this message angrily, I've wanted to be as sensitive and less direct as possible. I don't want my messages to give you an excuse to take out your frustration on everybody who cares, I just want you to read them and honestly consider everything I said and just think about it. I'm not asking you to share everything on your mind and your reactions with us, I'm just asking you to recognise it for yourself and see if you can understand what I mean through the monster that is called depression.
The below image is a montage of my individual highest placing LDC creations, as a reminder to myself that level designing is a part of my life that I can't just leave behind
-
~MP3 Amplifier~ - THE DARK LAMP
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Re: The Verge of Suicide
Thumbs up x1
by nin10mode » June 2nd, 2013, 9:14 am
I think it's time we stop. Right now, it feels like we're making the pain worse. Some of us can say we know how it is, but the reality is that no two people in the world will ever have the exact same experiences and think about them in the exact same way. He's been broken to a point where emotions are dangerous. I think we should let him live a little before we tell him what to do.
He's been telling us throughout this whole thread that he's tired of going from happy to depressed in an instant. Let him realize at his own pace that that's a part of life and that is what separates us from animals.
I think we've gotten the point across that you shouldn't commit suicide, and I'm sure that you won't. Let's not tell him how to view the world, though.
He's been telling us throughout this whole thread that he's tired of going from happy to depressed in an instant. Let him realize at his own pace that that's a part of life and that is what separates us from animals.
I think we've gotten the point across that you shouldn't commit suicide, and I'm sure that you won't. Let's not tell him how to view the world, though.
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nin10mode - Immune to Death
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Re: The Verge of Suicide
by ~MP3 Amplifier~ » June 2nd, 2013, 9:20 am
I know Nin, I tried to avoid the topic.
I just find so much to relate to and it's difficult for me to ignore someone who is suffering so much.
I'm sorry for being so weak everyone, I can understand if you'd rather me leave this topic and never return to it.
I just find so much to relate to and it's difficult for me to ignore someone who is suffering so much.
I'm sorry for being so weak everyone, I can understand if you'd rather me leave this topic and never return to it.
The below image is a montage of my individual highest placing LDC creations, as a reminder to myself that level designing is a part of my life that I can't just leave behind
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~MP3 Amplifier~ - THE DARK LAMP
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Re: The Verge of Suicide
Thumbs up x1
by MessengerOfDreams » June 2nd, 2013, 9:26 am
I do think Ayrayen still cares. If he didn't post here, then I'd think he went through with it. The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. The fact that Ayrayen is still posting here in anger instead of locking the topic and letting go shows that he does care. He is holding onto something. What that is, I don't know, but I haven't lost hope yet.
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Re: The Verge of Suicide
Thumbs up x1
by lordpat » June 2nd, 2013, 10:05 am
He cares. I have faith on him.
I would like to say something about the news. Ever heard that in media "bad news are good news"? They always put on the front page and huge bad stuff. Always. Always something negative, horryfing. They barely talk to us about the good people. The good part of humanity. There is a huge ammount of people that work to make this world better and they do not get nearly enough credit in the media. But bad news give cash, bad news make people read the news. Just know that there are very good people on this world, don't trust everything that the media says.
I would like to say something about the news. Ever heard that in media "bad news are good news"? They always put on the front page and huge bad stuff. Always. Always something negative, horryfing. They barely talk to us about the good people. The good part of humanity. There is a huge ammount of people that work to make this world better and they do not get nearly enough credit in the media. But bad news give cash, bad news make people read the news. Just know that there are very good people on this world, don't trust everything that the media says.
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Re: The Verge of Suicide
by NanTheDark » June 2nd, 2013, 2:14 pm
Have this. It kind of inspires me to do stuff. You might like it...
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NanTheDark - As it breaks, it becomes stronger
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Re: The Verge of Suicide
by Ayrayen » June 3rd, 2013, 11:54 pm
I've got some pms regarding this thread and i need to clarify a lot of things it looks like..
First off when it comes to media being a total a-hole, have you ever heard of Maslow?
If not go and search that up, basically he has a theory about different levels of needs very much likely a staircase.
The first one a human needs is physical needs, now i will refer that to those who starve every day.
They have a problem which only circulates around "will i starve or not", now keep in mind that this is my point of view, either you respect it or don't comment at all.
While this may sound very evil, the theory actually could make some sense.
As mentioned physical needs are the first step at the staircase.
Now where is my position? Well i'm at step 3/4 - Fellowship and estimation.
I have the 2 first steps, physical needs and safety.
Thus i have so much more to think about then they do.
Hang on to what i'm saying and try to understand.
Lets say they were starving from when they were born, it has always been that way. Of course they are fighting, why would they not?
The reason being why i stopped fighting is because I HAD EVERYTHING AND LOST IT.
I have so much more to worry about, and the pain i feel can be related to the same situations as they starve so
DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE DEPRESSION.
Of course i'm happy that i still live up till today and i'm happy that so many of you care of me.
*oh boy here it comes...*
Do you have any clue of how i feel..?
The only one here in the forums that knows HOW I FEEL TO 100% is exactly mp3 amplifier.
Now i want to thank her for being such a supportive person, it's truly awesome how she fought through all the shizzle she's been through.
If there would be a user of the year award i would give it to her.
Have you ever been DENIED YOUR WHOLE LIFE?! HAVE YOU?!
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN FROZEN OUT FROM YOUR FRIENDS CONSTANTLY JUST TO REALIZE THE FACT THAT NO ONE LIKES YOU!?
Hahahaha it's pathetic how you just stand there not knowing where to go. You're just there doing nothing but being a nuisance to others.
You want to erase yourself because of others reaction to you.
Then can i ask you guys a question?
Is it really "WRONG" to think about suicide huh? IS IT REALLY?
WHY SHOULD I BE THE ONE DOING THE WRONG DECISION WHEN I'M THE ONE WHO'S BEING EXPOSED!
THERE'S NO REASON FOR ME TO FEEL ASHAMED FOR WHAT MY DECISIONS ARE!
Sure my family will suffer from it.
But before you say anything, who do you think have suffered the most..
well can you imagine that pain i have now?
Maybe if i describe my pain with more describable info.
Think of a needle which constantly "Stitches" my hearth whenever i feel happiness.
Do you think i'll go right "OH THAT'S JUST NOTHING, IT DOESN'T HURT I GOT TO MOVE ON"
NO YOU DON'T!
YOU WANT TO END IT ALL RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE THAT PAIN IS UNBEARABLE!
YOU GOT NO SUPPORT FROM ANYONE, YOU ARE ALONE THERE'S NO SINGLE HUMAN BEING WHO CAN DRAG YOU FROM THE VOID OF NEGATIVE FEELINGS!
AND JUST TO CLARIFY I'M NOT ALONE ANY LONGER, BUT WHEN I WAS DO YOU HAVE ANY CLUE OF HOW GOOD IT FELT TO EXPRESS ALL MY ANGER ON THIS TOPIC?!
DO YOU?!
*takes a deep breath*
All the things I've been saying has been rooted for so long...
And when i could finally tell anyone of it for the first time, all my feelings just overflowed.
i felt happiness, sorrow, anger and irritation all at the same time.
Of course i start to type with caps-lock i'm trying to show you my anger and sorrow.
you have no idea how good it feels to express the feelings without being pointed out or ignored, like i always have..
I was just a rock no one gave a ♥♥♥♥ about..
Sorry amplifier, i didn't want to go back writing in this topic again..
But i felt it was necessary.
I hope you're alright and don't get to depressed from hearing this.
EDIT: Also.. i lost control a few days ago so i had a hard time controlling myself.. which might explain my overturn.
However i'm thankful for the most part..
First off when it comes to media being a total a-hole, have you ever heard of Maslow?
If not go and search that up, basically he has a theory about different levels of needs very much likely a staircase.
The first one a human needs is physical needs, now i will refer that to those who starve every day.
They have a problem which only circulates around "will i starve or not", now keep in mind that this is my point of view, either you respect it or don't comment at all.
While this may sound very evil, the theory actually could make some sense.
As mentioned physical needs are the first step at the staircase.
Now where is my position? Well i'm at step 3/4 - Fellowship and estimation.
I have the 2 first steps, physical needs and safety.
Thus i have so much more to think about then they do.
Hang on to what i'm saying and try to understand.
Lets say they were starving from when they were born, it has always been that way. Of course they are fighting, why would they not?
The reason being why i stopped fighting is because I HAD EVERYTHING AND LOST IT.
I have so much more to worry about, and the pain i feel can be related to the same situations as they starve so
DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE DEPRESSION.
Of course i'm happy that i still live up till today and i'm happy that so many of you care of me.
*oh boy here it comes...*
Do you have any clue of how i feel..?
The only one here in the forums that knows HOW I FEEL TO 100% is exactly mp3 amplifier.
Now i want to thank her for being such a supportive person, it's truly awesome how she fought through all the shizzle she's been through.
If there would be a user of the year award i would give it to her.
Have you ever been DENIED YOUR WHOLE LIFE?! HAVE YOU?!
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN FROZEN OUT FROM YOUR FRIENDS CONSTANTLY JUST TO REALIZE THE FACT THAT NO ONE LIKES YOU!?
Hahahaha it's pathetic how you just stand there not knowing where to go. You're just there doing nothing but being a nuisance to others.
You want to erase yourself because of others reaction to you.
Then can i ask you guys a question?
Is it really "WRONG" to think about suicide huh? IS IT REALLY?
WHY SHOULD I BE THE ONE DOING THE WRONG DECISION WHEN I'M THE ONE WHO'S BEING EXPOSED!
THERE'S NO REASON FOR ME TO FEEL ASHAMED FOR WHAT MY DECISIONS ARE!
Sure my family will suffer from it.
But before you say anything, who do you think have suffered the most..
well can you imagine that pain i have now?
Maybe if i describe my pain with more describable info.
Think of a needle which constantly "Stitches" my hearth whenever i feel happiness.
Do you think i'll go right "OH THAT'S JUST NOTHING, IT DOESN'T HURT I GOT TO MOVE ON"
NO YOU DON'T!
YOU WANT TO END IT ALL RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE THAT PAIN IS UNBEARABLE!
YOU GOT NO SUPPORT FROM ANYONE, YOU ARE ALONE THERE'S NO SINGLE HUMAN BEING WHO CAN DRAG YOU FROM THE VOID OF NEGATIVE FEELINGS!
AND JUST TO CLARIFY I'M NOT ALONE ANY LONGER, BUT WHEN I WAS DO YOU HAVE ANY CLUE OF HOW GOOD IT FELT TO EXPRESS ALL MY ANGER ON THIS TOPIC?!
DO YOU?!
*takes a deep breath*
All the things I've been saying has been rooted for so long...
And when i could finally tell anyone of it for the first time, all my feelings just overflowed.
i felt happiness, sorrow, anger and irritation all at the same time.
Of course i start to type with caps-lock i'm trying to show you my anger and sorrow.
you have no idea how good it feels to express the feelings without being pointed out or ignored, like i always have..
I was just a rock no one gave a ♥♥♥♥ about..
Sorry amplifier, i didn't want to go back writing in this topic again..
But i felt it was necessary.
I hope you're alright and don't get to depressed from hearing this.
EDIT: Also.. i lost control a few days ago so i had a hard time controlling myself.. which might explain my overturn.
However i'm thankful for the most part..
-
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Re: The Verge of Suicide
by ~MP3 Amplifier~ » June 4th, 2013, 10:43 am
Ayrayen wrote:Sorry amplifier, i didn't want to go back writing in this topic again..
But i felt it was necessary.
I hope you're alright and don't get to depressed from hearing this.
Ah, don't worry about me.
You warned me yesterday about your ups and downs- it's not like I'm gonna hold it against you. I get them a lot too.Days like today I love to sing, get creative, you know just enjoy the sun and do stuff. Other days I feel worthless, like there's no reason for me to be here.
The point is, depression isn't something that will just disappear. It does take time and patience. And the wait is definitely worth it.
Tbh it's not so much suicidal thoughts and depression that bother me so much at the moment. I'm in danger from lots of other stuff really.
The below image is a montage of my individual highest placing LDC creations, as a reminder to myself that level designing is a part of my life that I can't just leave behind
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~MP3 Amplifier~ - THE DARK LAMP
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Re: The Verge of Suicide
by Kimonio » June 4th, 2013, 9:01 pm
Ayrayen wrote:Is it really "WRONG" to think about suicide huh?
No, because we all do. To go through with it, though, is debatable.
In my honest opinion? Yes. It can be a bad decision to go through with it. You risk the future of your life, the sliver of hope that everything will turn out fine.
And just how do I know?
Because guys, believe it or not, for the past four years, I've retained these thoughts inside me, some days feeling like I should, one time came extremely close to kissing death's lips before a skype call saved me. I know what depression is and was like for me, as how bad life can kick your ♥♥♥.
After all, if the devil himself pondered suicide, then there's reasons why others do too.
Have I been denied? Yep.
Been excluded by friends? You bet.
Treated like the ♥♥♥♥ on someone's shoe? Heh, don't you know it.
And yet...I smile and laugh it all away with everyone else. Outside, I look carefree, normal. Someone knocks something out of my hand playing with me, we'll laugh it off.
But inside?
I feel worthless.
Keep all that in mind. It may not seem like it, but some of us have actually been through all this. We deal with it on a daily basis, myself included.
We don't know who suffers the pain the most, nor who we kill with a funny playful insult meant to not be any harm.
Because in the midst of the garden of Eden, one flower wilts slowly, still held up by the leaves of its brethren. Sometimes, all it may take is a little pick-me-up, sometimes in the nick of time.
Other times? Hope is all that counts. Hope, love, and keeping the faith.
I'll admit it, I can be a ♥♥♥♥ sometimes, an ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.
But don't think I enjoy it.
Maybe, just maybe, I feel guilty every night for the pain I cause unintentionally.
Maybe I fear the consequences of my future actions.
Maybe I can't sleep out of worry for my friends worldwide who I've hurt so dearly.
Maybe the devil does have a heart....
Who knows?
Maybe we go through the same ♥♥♥♥ together.
We don't know until we find out, though.
We're all in this as friends, we all go as friends.
And you all know who to hit up if you have questions about me. And that's me.
The devil himself. The Satan of Runouw. The biggest prick you'd ever meet in the past. The low self-esteemed, low anger tolerance SOB who while he pisses people off, he wishes he could turn back time to fix every mistake.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I understand too.
I understand a lot.
Because inside, I go through the same ♥♥♥♥ on and off.
And fun fact for those of you who don't know or have been curious. I'm an ex-Satanist. Tampered with black magic, dreamed of being the devil, controlling the dark of people's hearts, living in immortal damnation. So when I talk about the dark and demons and stuff, there's a reason. I KNOW. I've been there. I had to climb out of the grave I dug. Why do you think I had dark names before, Lucifer included.
That's why I am so protective of you guys who consider this stuff, Wicca included...get into the deep stuff involving curses, you've sealed your fate. I don't know if there is a higher power, but I know there is good and bad....we just have to know how to fight it.
(When you step back and consider it, this is why I have Stoneheart as my username now...I just don't care about what happens in my life anymore...that doesn't mean others have to follow my footsteps. I still want them to enjoy the life they can live, happy, carefree, not like I do.)
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Kimonio - Honorary Member
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