- This post by Ayrayen was thumbed up by:
- ~MP3 Amplifier~ (June 6th, 2013, 7:14 am)
The Verge of Suicide
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This is Serious Discussion. If you want to tell us how your day was or just get some things off your chest, you will find ample opportunity to find a corner to discuss all the good things we see, or reach out to anyone who needs help. Just remember to pay attention to the Principles of Serious Discussion, and link to the source if posting news.
Re: The Verge of Suicide
Thumbs up x1 
by Ayrayen » June 6th, 2013, 4:17 am
Stoneheart wrote:Ayrayen wrote:Is it really "WRONG" to think about suicide huh?
No, because we all do. To go through with it, though, is debatable.
In my honest opinion? Yes. It can be a bad decision to go through with it. You risk the future of your life, the sliver of hope that everything will turn out fine.
And just how do I know?
Because guys, believe it or not, for the past four years, I've retained these thoughts inside me, some days feeling like I should, one time came extremely close to kissing death's lips before a skype call saved me. I know what depression is and was like for me, as how bad life can kick your ♥♥♥.
After all, if the devil himself pondered suicide, then there's reasons why others do too.
Have I been denied? Yep.
Been excluded by friends? You bet.
Treated like the ♥♥♥♥ on someone's shoe? Heh, don't you know it.
And yet...I smile and laugh it all away with everyone else. Outside, I look carefree, normal. Someone knocks something out of my hand playing with me, we'll laugh it off.
But inside?
I feel worthless.
Keep all that in mind. It may not seem like it, but some of us have actually been through all this. We deal with it on a daily basis, myself included.
We don't know who suffers the pain the most, nor who we kill with a funny playful insult meant to not be any harm.
Because in the midst of the garden of Eden, one flower wilts slowly, still held up by the leaves of its brethren. Sometimes, all it may take is a little pick-me-up, sometimes in the nick of time.
Other times? Hope is all that counts. Hope, love, and keeping the faith.
I'll admit it, I can be a ♥♥♥♥ sometimes, an ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥.
But don't think I enjoy it.
Maybe, just maybe, I feel guilty every night for the pain I cause unintentionally.
Maybe I fear the consequences of my future actions.
Maybe I can't sleep out of worry for my friends worldwide who I've hurt so dearly.
Maybe the devil does have a heart....
Who knows?
Maybe we go through the same ♥♥♥♥ together.
We don't know until we find out, though.
We're all in this as friends, we all go as friends.
And you all know who to hit up if you have questions about me. And that's me.
The devil himself. The Satan of Runouw. The biggest prick you'd ever meet in the past. The low self-esteemed, low anger tolerance SOB who while he pisses people off, he wishes he could turn back time to fix every mistake.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I understand too.
I understand a lot.
Because inside, I go through the same ♥♥♥♥ on and off.
And fun fact for those of you who don't know or have been curious. I'm an ex-Satanist. Tampered with black magic, dreamed of being the devil, controlling the dark of people's hearts, living in immortal damnation. So when I talk about the dark and demons and stuff, there's a reason. I KNOW. I've been there. I had to climb out of the grave I dug. Why do you think I had dark names before, Lucifer included.
That's why I am so protective of you guys who consider this stuff, Wicca included...get into the deep stuff involving curses, you've sealed your fate. I don't know if there is a higher power, but I know there is good and bad....we just have to know how to fight it.
(When you step back and consider it, this is why I have Stoneheart as my username now...I just don't care about what happens in my life anymore...that doesn't mean others have to follow my footsteps. I still want them to enjoy the life they can live, happy, carefree, not like I do.)
Well even if i hate to admit it myself, hope never dies and even in the darkest of hours you will see the future light as long as you don't give up.
I may have been pessimistic, but all for a reason which i'm not going to put up again hoping you've read the most stuff i've written.
I'm not thinking about anything suicidal right now.
Why you may ask.
Because i've gained something i just can not tell you guys.
Anyhow, stoneheart, we all do have our bad/good sides, but i would never say that you're a bad person in any way.
If you would've been, you would never care for others and neither would you even post this in this topic.
Tho' if you want to change you need the will to, 'cause you're the only one who can change yourself.
Which i think you already know.
I have to clarify what happened so that most of the people out here in runouw knows what's going on.
I've gone through some extremely tough times which seemed endlessly, but little to my knowledge i had you "runowians".
Who knows what i would've done if i didn't post this here.
I wouldn't be myself.
So what's happening right now?
Well i.. can not tell..
i'm lost in life, so i'll go around searching for something that i like doing.
I would like to thank you all who responded to this topic.
I can't put words in how much it means to me. If it weren't for you i maybe wouldn't be typing this.
Always think twice.
And indeed my life is my cage, but is it really that bad?
Sometimes yes, but to know happiness you have to acknowledge pain sooner or later.
I'm letting this topic go on as there is people who could need some talk. Or perhaps just ask me questions?
As i mentioned, i'm still clouded by hatred at times, but far less than before.
So i'll be around here.
Thank you all yet again.
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Re: The Verge of Suicide
by ~MP3 Amplifier~ » June 6th, 2013, 7:15 am
Everyone in this topic should be proud of themselves. Just for replying.
See how much a difference words can make.
Ayray you're awesome.
See how much a difference words can make.
Ayray you're awesome.
The below image is a montage of my individual highest placing LDC creations, as a reminder to myself that level designing is a part of my life that I can't just leave behind
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Re: The Verge of Suicide
by NanTheDark » June 6th, 2013, 8:27 am
I'm not proud. My advice sucked. I suck at giving advice.
Either way, I'm glad to hear you're doing well, Ay.
Either way, I'm glad to hear you're doing well, Ay.
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Re: The Verge of Suicide
by -BY » June 6th, 2013, 8:47 am
NanTheDark wrote:I'm not proud. My advice sucked. I suck at giving advice.
Either way, I'm glad to hear you're doing well, Ay.
At least you didn't piss of everyone like I did. Your advice and most of the others has been something great, also used some effort to write it and other things I can't think of right now. : P
I probably won't spend more time in here, because the stuff before simply frustrated me a bit.
Best wished for your future Ayrayen. I know Ampli quite well. (Yeah I do.) I'm thinking it's been a good choice to talk to her, since she's one of those people who can tell by experience and had years to learn from it/deal with it and whatever one does with these things.
Big thank you to FrozenFire who created this masterpiece. : )
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Re: The Verge of Suicide
by NanTheDark » June 6th, 2013, 9:44 am
...Darn it why does everyone know MP3 better than me??? I suck at being a husband as well... 
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Re: The Verge of Suicide
Thumbs up x1
by Ayrayen » June 6th, 2013, 10:13 am
NanTheDark wrote:...Darn it why does everyone know MP3 better than me??? I suck at being a husband as well...
Well first off, she wants to help people with stuff that's been oriented with depression and more, and if you haven't been there talking about "problems" then it's a little bit harder to actually know mp3, since much of it is oriented with this topic.
She's more experienced with these stuff, and warns people around her to not do the same mistake as she might have done.
I wanted to know her story so that i too could see that i'm not alone.
Even her signature tells people around her to talk with her, so yeah. Amp is an incredible pal which i am so happy to say, and i hope that she finds some happiness in this post too since we all care for her, we all respect you.
And if it weren't for you i maybe would've never graduated (yeah that's depressing i know but true).
She's the only person that has understood me, thought i wasn't a nuisance, said upfront to me that i'm awesome.
And i wish i could just look everyone in their eyes while saying this because this is true and i want to express this feeling but i can not...
Thank you amp.. i know i've said this quite many times already but.. *sigh* yah..
It's true, Amp's been very much to help, but lets not forget others feedback as well, which is very important to me.
Don't talk against me when i say that i appreciate the comments, feedback and pm's i am given.
It saddens me a lot, don't pick on yourselves because when you do, you hurt me too.
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Re: The Verge of Suicide
by ~MP3 Amplifier~ » June 6th, 2013, 11:39 am
I'm flattered.. :3
Also Nan you'd be shocked- you know me pretty well, I noticed that from the PMs you were sending me before.
But I don't always like talking about problems because I feel like I'm a burden on everyone else.
And there are reasons why BY knows me particularly well, lawl.
Also Nan you'd be shocked- you know me pretty well, I noticed that from the PMs you were sending me before.
But I don't always like talking about problems because I feel like I'm a burden on everyone else.
And there are reasons why BY knows me particularly well, lawl.
The below image is a montage of my individual highest placing LDC creations, as a reminder to myself that level designing is a part of my life that I can't just leave behind
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Re: The Verge of Suicide
by Ridder » June 11th, 2013, 12:22 pm
Guys stop self-hating yourselves thats how these things get to you (things like the Illuminati). Go do some positive introspecting. Like, stare at the ceiling for a whole hour or chew on something at a very slow rate. Or watch cat videos of cats being cats.
THE CREED: Nothing is True. Everything is Permitted.
"...That's rather cynical."
"It would be if it were doctrine, but it is merely an observation of the nature of reality.
To say that Nothing is True is to realize that the foundations of society are fragile, and that we must be the shephards of our own civilization.
To say that Everything is Permitted is to understand that we are the architects of our actions, and that we must live with the consequences, whether glorious...or tragic."
-Ezio Auditore da Firenze explaining the Creed, 1514, Masayaf.
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Re: The Verge of Suicide
Thumbs up x1
by Ayrayen » June 11th, 2013, 1:57 pm
AND PLEASE DON'T READ THIS IF YOU'RE SENSITIVE TO DEPRESSION AND STUFF ORIENTED WITH JUST "THAT".
"In many cases depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, just as many other mental illnesses that were once considered to be signs of weakness. It is a real disease and illness that in many cases require some sort of treatment."
In other words, telling someone to stop hating one-self is in fact Impossible..
Oh and the classic "take a deep breath and think about something fun" bull-cr@p won't work here no..
Once you're in.. you won't get out.. Unless you get help..
And in this case i have.
Please if you haven't already read ALL the other comments, do so.
Because people who tells me to think "positive" doesn't know the situation i'm in.
And listen up here for a sec, this is not some "teenage depression" (Yes i referred to something as stupid as that because people underestimate this shizzle)
this is real ♥♥♥♥ shiet.
I wouldn't start this topic if it weren't for the fact that i'm actually thinking about taking my own life, and i am aware that is kind of drawn out but hey
do you know what's going on in my brain right now?
It's like a thousands of mixed feelings fighting with each other, and if that doesn't give one a picture of how it looks like then let me simply put it like this.
Imagine you're the most happiest person on earth, that happiness later turns on your back at some random point (and we're talking not once in a month/week here.
We're talking per day/hour)
That ultra happiness you're feeling turns into the right opposite.
To me it all converts into sorrow, hatred, anger and what not. All decisions you make, for example making a sandwich turns out to be catastrophic.
Because in my case, depression comes with phobias.
Which means that it's not enough feeling "bad" no nonono, you will have something to fear... often you're alone with this problem so you won't be able to talk with anyone which sucks even more.
So taking one moment to just stare into the roof will do things worse. That's when i get time to actually "Think", since my mind isn't occupied with other stuff i easily get
"Self-Hated".
I'm not going to pick all this stuff up again, but since i'm trying to prove my point here, this is indeed a part of vital information.
AND PLEASE DON'T READ THIS IF YOU'RE SENSITIVE TO DEPRESSION AND STUFF ORIENTED WITH JUST "THAT".
Ridder wrote:Guys stop self-hating yourselves thats how these things get to you (things like the Illuminati). Go do some positive introspecting. Like, stare at the ceiling for a whole hour or chew on something at a very slow rate. Or watch cat videos of cats being cats.
"In many cases depression is a chemical imbalance in the brain, just as many other mental illnesses that were once considered to be signs of weakness. It is a real disease and illness that in many cases require some sort of treatment."
In other words, telling someone to stop hating one-self is in fact Impossible..
Oh and the classic "take a deep breath and think about something fun" bull-cr@p won't work here no..
Once you're in.. you won't get out.. Unless you get help..
And in this case i have.
Please if you haven't already read ALL the other comments, do so.
Because people who tells me to think "positive" doesn't know the situation i'm in.
And listen up here for a sec, this is not some "teenage depression" (Yes i referred to something as stupid as that because people underestimate this shizzle)
this is real ♥♥♥♥ shiet.
I wouldn't start this topic if it weren't for the fact that i'm actually thinking about taking my own life, and i am aware that is kind of drawn out but hey
do you know what's going on in my brain right now?
It's like a thousands of mixed feelings fighting with each other, and if that doesn't give one a picture of how it looks like then let me simply put it like this.
Imagine you're the most happiest person on earth, that happiness later turns on your back at some random point (and we're talking not once in a month/week here.
We're talking per day/hour)
That ultra happiness you're feeling turns into the right opposite.
To me it all converts into sorrow, hatred, anger and what not. All decisions you make, for example making a sandwich turns out to be catastrophic.
Because in my case, depression comes with phobias.
Which means that it's not enough feeling "bad" no nonono, you will have something to fear... often you're alone with this problem so you won't be able to talk with anyone which sucks even more.
So taking one moment to just stare into the roof will do things worse. That's when i get time to actually "Think", since my mind isn't occupied with other stuff i easily get
"Self-Hated".
I'm not going to pick all this stuff up again, but since i'm trying to prove my point here, this is indeed a part of vital information.
AND PLEASE DON'T READ THIS IF YOU'RE SENSITIVE TO DEPRESSION AND STUFF ORIENTED WITH JUST "THAT".
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Ayrayen - Code: Awesome
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Re: The Verge of Suicide
by NanTheDark » June 11th, 2013, 2:18 pm
I thought you were feeling better...
Keep fighting the good fight against depression! You can do it!
Keep fighting the good fight against depression! You can do it!
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