It's a matter of time

[Ayrayen]

Hello there fellow people, the time has come for me to speak of what actually is happening in my life right now.
I need to do this in terms of getting better and just putting out my hearts content for good listeners/readers.

So what happened you may ask?
A whole lot actually, i'm going to start and take bit by bit to make it as clear as possible.

For not very long ago, i made a topic named: The verge of suicide
which to me was a very sensitive topic as i was nearly done for, and i made it thro' (Somehow).
Sure, times do change from the worse to better.
However, that is not the case for me. The interval between good to worse is very short as i'm a bipolar person with problems such as: Phobias, depression, loss and control.
So when something goes down, i go depressed which leads to an even worse mood. This easily becomes an infinite cycle which leads me to the rock bottom.
Imagine if someone told you "You never listen to me", that goes to the heart and can lead me to suicidal thoughts. Imagine being that sensitive, it's hell.

Today, September 17:th, my father came home from an analysis.
He has cancer.

Hahahaha, this is going to be the third time i lose somebody who stood me close. Isn't that wonderful?
I mean that's exactly what I needed!
It's not like this is going to change my life to the worse in any point.
No no, this is just perfect...
..

That would've been a fat lie..

Let me tell you this, when you look at that particular person who has cancer, you can't think straight neither be yourself, because you know it will end in a painful way.
"Be strong, spend time with him" Yeah, that's pretty much what everybody tells me too.
But no one knows how strongly i get affected by depression and what not when i'm just looking at him.
People are being so ignorant, they think it is just like in the movies they watch. Do what's best for those who suffer.
Yet, i can't.
I can't look in my fathers eyes and say that I love him.
And this is not because i don't love him, but rather because it's too much!
It hurts so much in my heart, i would rather stab myself with a knife than experiencing that pain ever again!

Yet... I still try...

I'm at my breaking point, my heart aches to damn much, i can not even do any activities anymore.
Why is everything around me so.. sad for, so filled with hatred and obsessions of controlling people!
Even tho' humans are selfish, doesn't mean you can do whatever you want with whoever you see.

In fact, that's how it looks like around me.

*lets out a deep breath*

I'm glad i got to talk out with you Runowians here again.
*salutes*

[-BY]

It might help if you clarify the type of cancer he's having right now. While this should be taken serious it still doesn't mean that it's the end already. I know several people who went through that stuff and live completely normal again. Unfortunately I'm not capable of talking more about that stuff as it's hurting me a lot and I still need a bit time to get over some stuff.

(Also having troubles with breathing recently but am 99% sure that it's a mental problem right now.)

While I can't help at all, nor be a good listener, I can still wish you best of luck that the situation won't end the bad way. (Sorry.)

[Ayrayen]

It might help if you clarify the type of cancer he's having right now. While this should be taken serious it still doesn't mean that it's the end already. I know several people who went through that stuff and live completely normal again. Unfortunately I'm not capable of talking more about that stuff as it's hurting me a lot and I still need a bit time to get over some stuff.

(Also having troubles with breathing recently but am 99% sure that it's a mental problem right now.)

While I can't help at all, nor be a good listener, I can still wish you best of luck that the situation won't end the bad way. (Sorry.)

It's cancer in the Lymph, right at the throat. They can't stop it from spreading since they are unable to pick all of it away.
They can just extend his life by using some laser surgery.

I'm seeing this as form of a fact that he will not make it, and he has to withstand his pain for several years if he wish to continue.
The fact that My father, mother and myself knows about it just makes it a whole lot worse.
Imagine being at my fathers place, bringing everyone down 'cause of cancer, or perhaps being at my moms situation, losing your beloved significant other.

But i'm not going to be foolish and hope that it will disappear like some kind of miracle because that is just foolish and will only leave me with despair in the end.

Actually...
There is a chance that i too might have cancer too.
I'm also going to a test just to make sure if this is true or not.

[NanTheDark]

This post by NanTheDark was thumbed up by: 2

Dtroid (September 18th, 2013, 12:16 am) • Killswitch (September 17th, 2013, 6:56 pm)

[Harmless]

I'm curious to see how many people on Runouw also experienced the urge to, or at least attempted suicide. You're not alone, I tried 20 times (I had a pretty ♥♥♥♥ life too...).

Thank god none of those 20 times succeeded. I'm unsure of how old you are, but even if you're in your 70's you still have quite a lot to live for. Don't do it, is my advice at the very least. Even if it's someone I don't know very well I'd be quite depressed to see them go.

[nin10mode]

This post by nin10mode was thumbed up by:

Killswitch (September 17th, 2013, 10:20 pm)

[Harmless]

I don't like it when people tell you to do something because it's what you're expected to do. I'd rather you do what you think you can do to ease everyone's pain a little. I won't try to speak face to face with you, because it's both physically impossible and because I have never dealt with as much death as you have. I haven't cried for anyone other than myself, and I don't expect that to happen for quite awhile.

I can't magically change the way you view the world, but I can say that a person's view is almost certainly related to his or her life experiences.

If that was directed at me, sorry. I just don't see any benefits of suicide at all, and while I am not trying to sound like a parent or anything, I am worried to say the least. Suicide really is nothing to be taken lightly.

[Dtroid]

Well,spend more time with your family members,your friends. Think about happy thoughts ,such as e.g.a trip you loved,got something you like,so on. Everyone goes through this stage of life,and accept the fact that people does not live forever.Seek advice from someone you trust.

Don't ever attempt suicide. You see,ending your life means stopping the existence of your future generations. Your family members would be very sad if you really did it. Look,you have a long way to go,a long life to live if you don't have cancer. You might do wonderful things in the future if you didn't do it. Life is just a short ~90 years,so cherish it. Why give up your life to make it even shorter? Life is wonderful. Every person goes through grief too,but they can be really happy. It's your choice whether you want to be happy. The future generations of your family comes from you.

Every person is awesome. People have good points. You have good points too,and I'm sure you would past this test of life. Many people have passed it,so why can't you?

The future generations of your family comes from you. Maybe,one day,the future children of the future generation will grow up to be a great man/woman.

So let that happen.

Be happy,get over it,and continue with life happily.

http://runouw.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=14&t=44110

[Ayrayen]

I really don't know what to say...

That thing they tell you, to spend time with him... do it. Seriously. I bet he wants to spend time with you. Trust me, you might later regret not having spent more time with him.

And I seriously hope that you don't have cancer too. You've been through a lot already...

"You've been through a lot already", you think? Hmm... I never gave that a thought.

I don't like it when people tell you to do something because it's what you're expected to do. I'd rather you do what you think you can do to ease everyone's pain a little. I won't try to speak face to face with you, because it's both physically impossible and because I have never dealt with as much death as you have. I haven't cried for anyone other than myself, and I don't expect that to happen for quite awhile.

I can't magically change the way you view the world, but I can say that a person's view is almost certainly related to his or her life experiences.

Thus, I have a very positive view on life and the world, but doubts about certain parts of society.


I'm sorry for rambling, but I don't think any advice can be given without more details, and I fear asking for more detail would be a bit too much. At the very least, this is a post to tell you "Hey, I read this post and I'm thinking about it."

Good luck Ayray.

Please don't apologize, you didn't ramble for nothing. I take everything you all say to heart so.

It's responses like these which grants me just a little happiness that i need, i came here to talk and you show respect by letting me know that you're thinking about it.
It gave me a very calm feeling.
Thanks.

Well,spend more time with your family members,your friends. Think about happy thoughts ,such as e.g.a trip you loved,got something you like,so on. Everyone goes through this stage of life,and accept the fact that people does not live forever.Seek advice from someone you trust.

Don't ever attempt suicide. You see,ending your life means stopping the existence of your future generations. Your family members would be very sad if you really did it. Look,you have a long way to go,a long life to live if you don't have cancer. You might do wonderful things in the future if you didn't do it. Life is just a short ~90 years,so cherish it. Why give up your life to make it even shorter? Life is wonderful. Every person goes through grief too,but they can be really happy. It's your choice whether you want to be happy. The future generations of your family comes from you.

Every person is awesome. People have good points. You have good points too,and I'm sure you would past this test of life. Many people have passed it,so why can't you?

The future generations of your family comes from you. Maybe,one day,the future children of the future generation will grow up to be a great man/woman.

So let that happen.

Be happy,get over it,and continue with life happily.

http://runouw.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=14&t=44110

This suicide thing is for up for each and everyone to decide whether they want it or not, personally I HATE being told not to do it.
I don't like to repeat myself, but hopefully this will be the last time.

I CHOOSE to do it to ease my pain that i'm feeling. To best describe the pain is by imagining a needle stabbing through your heart every single day.
Then you start going thro' a phase where you try to avoid the pain at all costs since it drives you crazy.
There is no escape from pain that's caused by hatred other than love.

Believe it or not, but I am not very loved, neither by myself, friends or parents. I am considered a failure too.

And i don't say this to make you guys pity me or something as pathetic as that, actually it is all true.
It would be a heck of a long topic if i were to explain everything in details, so i'd rather not at a time like this.

EDIT: It's also a whole lot easier to cherish life and it's gifts when you haven't seen the worst of it.
Maybe that was a bit rough said, but that's how i feel, i honestly think life is filled with mostly crap.
Pretty much what Nin10mode tried to say about me, I became the one i am today thro' pretty much crappy events and what not.

And also for the note, i never said i was going to take my life this time.
Even tho' the pain and depression supports that thought, I'm not locked on to that thought as much as before.

Pathetic isn't it?
I think so at least.

Yet again, thanks for commenting and even reading this, it helps a bit.

[NanTheDark]

This post by NanTheDark was thumbed up by: 2

Dtroid (September 19th, 2013, 12:20 am) • Killswitch (September 21st, 2013, 3:30 pm)