It's a matter of time

[~MP3 Amplifier~]

I think he's okay. We're actually keeping in touch on skype nearly every day now. I've not heard him bring up anything deeply serious or upsetting (unless he's keeping it from me :3).

[Ayrayen]

It both saddens and relieves me to return to this topic.

I hope the bad news has not reached out to people before Christmas and that it wasn't as dull as mine was.

I know I might have caused some worrying?
I don't know.

However, knowing my unstable condition, i'm becoming more and more of a wreck.
I could no longer hide it for my parents.

When I entered their room in the middle of the night, just staring at them, caught their attention.
Being questioned about what the hell was going on whilst shaking uncontrollably and rambling nonsense made me scared as well.

I'm going to visit a doctor soon enough, because this has gone far enough.

I've been once before already, it didn't help at all.
But who knows.

>_< I'm here because I want to freaking help you. I can relate to your suffering. Sorta. It's just empathy, I can't really fathom the whole extent of your suffering, but I can feel it. Trust me when I say I care for you. You're in my prayers almost every night (I forget sometimes). Whenever I make a post I try to think of what the hell can I say that will help you, because I feel reeeeeeeeeeeaaaally powerless from over here. If I was right there with you, I would stick by your side the whole time probably, conforting you, going out to do stuff together to distract you from your problems, taking all of your knives and hiding them somewhere... that kind of stuff.

But I'm here.

I'm... I don't know how far away, I don't even know where you live But still, it hurts me when you post some things. About how you will always be depressed, that there's no way out of it when I know there is. If you wanted to, and with some effort, you could turn it all around, I'm sure of it.

I'm not here because I pity you. I'm here because I CARE. I don't want to see some dude who certainly seems like a good guy throw his life away.

I don't feel obligated to reply. I CHOOSE to reply.

And dammit, I'm sure someone out there must care for you too. Your family might not demonstrate it too much, but they probably care. Talk to them about it. Talk about how depressed you are that you have actually considered ending your life. They can help you.

If they don't wanna help, you can always seek help someplace else. I know you can find help.

Just... there's just so much I can do from here. I don't even know if I accomplish anything from posting. For real. I don't even know if you read this. Maybe I should Skype with you or something sometime, I think MP3 did that with you? I dunno, my Skype is nanthedark, search it. I don't log on too much, but maybe you can catch me someday. I can't always voice chat, but I guess we could at least just chat with... text. And stuff.

...Dammit I don't know. Just... hang in there.

Your every word is filled with an emotion, I notice that what you write, is something I used to write to people that needed help as well.
Sadly, they're gone.

But I appreciate it, really I do.

I'm not sure anymore about anything, since my last attack I got, it's not looking good man, not good at all.

I don't know, skyping is always an idea.

I think he's okay. We're actually keeping in touch on skype nearly every day now. I've not heard him bring up anything deeply serious or upsetting (unless he's keeping it from me :3).

You know me too well.

D:

...I don't know what to say...

I'm sorry for your loss...

...I'll sound like a broken record once again... but you gotta be strong. Be brave.

And there's people out there willing to be your friend, I'm sure of it. You just have to look for them. There's always someone.

I.. Am sorry too.
They were great people, humans, friends.

They're at a better place now.

Ay, write.
Write your emotions, your feelings.
Write your past, your life.
Write your fears, your sorrows.
Write your anger, your hate.
Write.

You were born with that talent. You hide what truly bothers you behind words, poetic phrases. Write your story, just....write. Write about everything. Write about when it all started. Let us feel your pain through the words. Write the pain away, lend it to our hearts.

I... Could try..

I think. Right?
Just. Typing. It all out. I can do it. I think..

Should I?

[NanTheDark]

I... Could try..

I think. Right?
Just. Typing. It all out. I can do it. I think..

Should I?

Go for it.

Also, these attacks... you mean like panic attacks, or some other kind of attack?

[Ayrayen]

I... Could try..

I think. Right?
Just. Typing. It all out. I can do it. I think..

Should I?

Go for it.

Also, these attacks... you mean like panic attacks, or some other kind of attack?

I will try. But it'll take time...



I do have 2 different kind of attacks I spontaneously get.

But this time, it was as you stated. A big 'Panic Attack'.

[Ayrayen]

This post by Ayrayen was thumbed up by:

Killswitch (December 29th, 2013, 3:42 pm)

[~MP3 Amplifier~]

Reading the part about the eating disorder made me cry. Just saying.
Not in a bad way. But you know why, my friend.

Also yes, you can write the part 2. But only if YOU want to. We won't make you. Do whatever you wish.

EDIT: You might be interested to know that I'm planning a story of my high school years. There is a lot to write about. Obviously I'm changing my friend's names, the dates of when things happened (like I'll swap something that happened in year 9 with something that happened in year 11 etc) and I might take or add a few things, but it will still be my life during high school. I don't know if I'd post it up on Runouw when I'm done, though. After all that drama in August I'm sure the last thing people want to see is a story about my life and why I feel the way I do. :p

[NanTheDark]

I can relate to many of these things... and I certainly understand you a bit more now.

*sigh* If you feel writing will help, if you feel somehow relieved from doing this, continue. If all this is doing is hurting you further, from remembering... stop. Your call.




...You're gonna write a story about your life? Heh... maybe I could write all I can remember too, for the sake of... I dunno, preserving memories... but I don't know if I would share it with anyone, it's not really an exciting story. Maybe I could tell you guys about myself sometime, I don't know.

[Ayrayen]

Reading the part about the eating disorder made me cry. Just saying.
Not in a bad way. But you know why, my friend.

Also yes, you can write the part 2. But only if YOU want to. We won't make you. Do whatever you wish.

EDIT: You might be interested to know that I'm planning a story of my high school years. There is a lot to write about. Obviously I'm changing my friend's names, the dates of when things happened (like I'll swap something that happened in year 9 with something that happened in year 11 etc) and I might take or add a few things, but it will still be my life during high school. I don't know if I'd post it up on Runouw when I'm done, though. After all that drama in August I'm sure the last thing people want to see is a story about my life and why I feel the way I do. :p

I know.

I am about too.

Don't judge too quickly.

I can relate to many of these things... and I certainly understand you a bit more now.

*sigh* If you feel writing will help, if you feel somehow relieved from doing this, continue. If all this is doing is hurting you further, from remembering... stop. Your call.




...You're gonna write a story about your life? Heh... maybe I could write all I can remember too, for the sake of... I dunno, preserving memories... but I don't know if I would share it with anyone, it's not really an exciting story. Maybe I could tell you guys about myself sometime, I don't know.

I'm sorry & relieved to hear that you understand me.

Yes, I will continue.

You do what feels the best.







Part 2 - Nightmares, Fears & Corruption

(I would just like to say, thank you for reading this. It's through your will that you make my story seem like - important? So umm, thanks.)

I've talked a lot 'bout the most basic of things, growing up in school.
There's probably lots of people out there who's had a ♥♥♥♥ time in school as well.
After all, we're affecting each other there, we grow up and learn. Of course, there's no one to say what's "wrong" or not. (At least not for me).

So how was my life outside school?

When I was born, my mom was (still is) with my dad.
However, my older brother, he's from 'his dad' and not mine.
He had real issues, and I have no idea what happened between them.
My mom moved to Sweden, met my father and thus I was born.
Was the economy stable tho'?

No. No it was not.

I had to share my childhood in the same room as my 'brother'.
He loved horror movies, I had countless of nights hearing the screams from the television, people getting stabbed, eaten, killed, destroyed, exploded, heads explodes, massacred, buried alive, fed with maggots until death.
You name it.
I told him many times to stop, I told my mom about it as well, I always screamed inside of my head. But I was a fighter and tried to bite it.
But the horror movies never stopped.
So since we couldn't afford anything, not even an apartment, I chose to sleep in the living room.

Sounded like a good idea at the time.

Imagine every-time going to sleep, nothing but darkness, and you're next to a dark corridor.
This is where the nightmares began.

We all had our fears, of course, but even then...
What would happen if you were put in a 'worst case scenario' situation?

So as mentioned, the nightmares.
I often had a nightmare where my parents hid from a so called 'dangerous monster'. They hid under a table, that's where it couldn't find you.
So I was still in my bed, and then I heard him, his whispers, his cold voice, I felt the breath to my neck as I shiver'd.
I tried to run, but it felt like I was running in water. I couldn't run at all.
Right when I was towards the table, my safe spot, he grabbed my leg, and I slowly watch as he drags me away from my parents.
This creature was also known as The Grim Reaper.
He killed me by making me suffocating in water, I drowned.

And this was a repeating nightmare as well. I was lucky if I didn't dream this one night.

This continued for a few of years. I was probably around the age of 10 - 12 when this shiet was happenin'.

I endured, yet again.

Knowing the person I once was, I would fight on, no matter what, because I was truly strong at will and strength.

So time went. And when I was in the age of 15 (The time me and my Ex got together/The time I started another new school), I experienced 'death' for the first time.
One of them was when I walked home from school one cold day, I watch beside me, the rail tracks.
I saw 3 girls walking on it, I screamed, but for some ♥♥♥♥ reason they didn't hear me.
It hit them, it actually destroyed them, splattered them, right before my eyes, bits flew away to the sidewalk as the train slowly tried to brake.
Soon the ambulance, police and other dudes were there. Covering the bodies with big blue blankets.
From that day and on, every time I closed my eyes, I saw what I had already experienced once before.
But I had to stay strong yet again, people asked me questions, but there was nothing for me to say.
I moved on with life.

I got new friends along the way, who's been a bit down like me.
They shared similar experiences with me. Some got treated like shiet by their parents.
Some hit by their boyfriend.

How does it end then?

I was there for them at anytime when I could. But it wasn't enough.
One of them jumped off from a building. Their parents were crying.
AFTER WHAT THEY HAVE DONE TOWARDS HIM!
My friend started punching the shiet out of them, having to pull her away was easier said than done.
Ended up with those parents on the hospital. I feel no pity.

Another of my friends told me it would be better to leave the world as it was.
Yup, she was in love with me as well.
Still I wondered, why did she jump in front of the truck?
Did she want me to experience her dying?
Did she want me to be beside her when she dies?
I remained strong again.

I heard that 3 of my moms cousins, took their life, killing themselves.
The reason was... Because they couldn't handle life anymore.
Some got beaten by husbands and others, well... I'd stop there. I'll come to it soon, somewhat.

My moms sister died from cancer.
It was around 3 days after my birthday. I didn't get to see her a last time.
Well, technically I did see 'her'. Cold.
It was horrible to see her husband pushing the Priest away to hug the coffin.
Nearly jumping after it in the grave as well. Having to pull a grieving man away from his lovers coffin, is not easy.
But I remained strong.

There was a time when I cared for my Ex a lot.
Her ex boyfriend used to talk ♥♥♥♥ behind my back when we went somewhere.
I don't think he liked me at all.
He wanted to change things, he wanted to make my life a misery as well.

One day I was walking, he returned with his couple of dudes.
Kicked me down, face hits ground, body slams the cold sidewalk as I feel one of his dudes knee on my back and pulling back my arms.
Another dude pulled my hair up so that I had to watch...
She got r@ped.

So I started to think twice.
I've always been ignored. I've always been hated. I've always been used. I've only had crushed dreams and hopes, I've never really experienced happiness without it being turned into dust.
I stopped feeling cared for, I stopped caring about some, I got filled with hate, I had nothing to live for when I lost all I cared for.
When I say I want to take my life and people respond with "Think about all the people that cares for you", to me, this makes me realize that there's a bigger reason for me to kill myself for.
That's a tip, if you know someone who wants to take their life. Think before acting.
It's not always clear.
It never is.
Never will be.

So I went to a psychiatrist and talked a little, she said I was fine and let me go.

Nobody can see through me.

I never want to be a nuisance to anybody on earth. Because i've always been feeling down and depressed.
Nobody wants to be with someone who's not energetic anymore, down constantly and just feeling blue & moody.
I'm better off solo.



The voices were taking form.

I'll mention more about it in part 3 I guess.

If you still want to hear more shiet.
Thanks for reading..

[~MP3 Amplifier~]

Watching somebody die and somebody be raped must be extremely traumatic.
What can I say, that particular kind of trauma I never experienced. People always underestimate how hard it is to stand by and even be forced to watch that happen, but like WW1 and 2, not every soldier on the front line in the action was poisoned with PTSD after the war. It could have happened to anyone.
(not saying you have PTSD, but I hope you see my point)

Also:

Don't judge too quickly.

I hoped you knew by now that I never judge people.

Funnily enough this is where I feel our problems differ a bit. Mine are typically teenage angst and all that ♥♥♥♥ whereas yours are almost too cruel to bare. It's like, you've been faced with how cruel the world can really be, and yet for me, I await to see that because I'm still trapped inside my head. It's not as bad as you think it is, or maybe it is and I've just gotten used to it. I feel pretty awful for giving you all the wrong advice in the past because I didn't really know what was behind all this. I figured it was teenage angst, or long running mental illness, and a little bit of bad luck too (which is basically my life) so it seemed simple to help you at first. Don't get me wrong, I'm not underestimating the seriousness of my problems, because mental illness kills and so can bad luck depending on how bad it is, but I'm kicking myself now for not being a better friend.

[NanTheDark]

This post by NanTheDark was thumbed up by:

ChaosYoshi (December 30th, 2013, 6:00 pm)