It's a matter of time

[JSlayerXero]

This post by JSlayerXero was thumbed up by:

Dtroid (January 1st, 2014, 12:46 am)

[~MP3 Amplifier~]

This post by Harmless was thumbed up by:

~MP3 Amplifier~ (January 3rd, 2014, 8:30 am)

[Ayrayen]

There are days where I wish I could read a story like this and be surprised. I'm not though, because I've come to expect humans to defy God and treat each other like they're not made in God's image. This is the kind of stuff the motivate God to give the Ten Commandments in the first place. Perhaps you should try looking for God. No one is greater pained by human evil than He is. If you truly want to find Him, you'll find Him. I would suggest reading the Bible. Start from Genesis, and read to the other end. It might help you make sense of the world. You're free to ignore me, but that's my suggestions.

Let me begin by stating that my vision over humanity is 'corrupted' by what we face as 'hatred'.
I know a lot more than what one could believe, rational ways of thinking is something that kinda makes me 'smart' in my own way.
With that said - i'm just going to give a note, that I will come to this part later on in my 'story'.

Oh dear. I'm not willing to turn this into religious debate, but while the Christian teaching does have some good morals and expectations to read, I don't think it's solely believing in God alone that can help you survive. If you wish to believe in God, go ahead, but the priority is believing in yourself.

As for what I just read... yup. Definite relationship, like what Nan said. Although the only thing I cannot relate to is live-witnessing someone getting raped... are you sure nobody did anything about it? And it was in public??

And here I thought Congressmen were bad enough.

It is kinda scary to debate religion, as it is already a sensitive and for some, a personal topic.

I can't remember what happened after I was put down to the ground. I just watched and blacked out after some time. Then I stopped remembering.
It's like I forgot something important. I don't know what the ♥♥♥♥ happened.

Personal experience for me is I've never been the watcher, but the actual victim. It sucks wherever you are.

Also I don't believe in God much anymore because I hate the belief that suicide sends you to hell. Perhaps suicide is wrong, but depression kills and some people have no understanding of that whatsoever. I'm not here to preach it to those people, just I don't really care much for religion anymore. I'd rather share my stories and believe in a better future with the people who understand what the pain is like.

As for others who continue to judge mental illness, frankly I don't care for that either.

Sometimes religion gives the better things out of us, and sometimes the opposite.

I'll get to what I think in another part tho'.



So i'm writing this at the day when I feel the worst yet.
Yup, new year. Happy freaking lonely new year to me </3.



Part 3 - The Voices, from Ben.

(Sometimes when we repeatedly fall down the same pit whilst constantly being criticized, we tend to lose something important within us )

After a few of my suicidal attempts, when I was so lonely, when I was forgotten & abandoned by those I cared for. 'Friends' and Ex.
I got stopped from killing myself.

Yeah, Ben stopped me.

He told me his story, we were very much alike. His story was the same as mine, being tortured in your head, showing no scars physically.
Some scars were physically, but that isn't important now. What's important is, he was just like me.

We had a few differences tho', he was aggressive, he liked having control, he always told me the best of choices in difficult situations.
He was almost like a brother. I was the one thinking rationally, and he was the opposite.

It started becoming a tad annoying when he screamed every time I told my Psychiatrist, or any 'new' friends, about him.
He asked me daily and sometimes hourly, and sometimes every single minute or seconds... He asked me: "Why do you care about them? They threw you out, why let new ones in? They will come into your home and throw everything you care for out! I'll not stand for this *Screams*". I understand him, I mean he was alone like I was, he didn't want to be thrown out either.
I started to think twice.
I don't want to throw him out, but I know that if I don't try, I will never get where I want too.
He may scream and make me mentally crazy, but i'm going to try.
It took its toll.

It took me around 6 months with the voice inside my head screaming at me... to actually be able to talk about him.
Although he refused like hell, I still got out a few words.
I told my new friend about him.

Guess what happened..

Sometimes, when we look at stuff we used to have in the past, we get nostalgic.
We see everything that was good and put focus on that as well.
It's easy to move on when we find something/someone new to associate/be with. In fact, we easily put everything aside our path, and jump up to the next train without even looking at where it's headed.
Love is blind, you only focus on what makes You happy.

I haven't felt this alone ever before.
Ben left, because I got a new friend. And as he warned me, I got no friends anymore.




Time passed, and now i'm here, returning to what I thought would be the last thing I would write, in hope of feeling better.


You see, when people tell me that life's going to be better, I only think they say that because they've experienced it before.
Here's an interesting part.
My life has been the opposite of what people describe it as.
I don't know why i'm alive to be honest, I can't really tell you because I don't know myself.
I only 'live' like a parasite, i'd rather be left alone tho', every time people look over at me, they just get depressed.


You know, someone once asked me what I wished for in life.
And I think I would like to experience the feeling to be 'cared for' or 'loved'.


What actually happened to me lately is just that I've become somewhat.. 'blind'.
If someone were to die right in front of me, I would only watch and think 'why'.
When someone tells me they 'care' for me, I ask 'why'.
When anyone tells me that i'm a good friend, I can't help but think.. 'why'.
When people tell me 'nice' things, I only see them as 'liars'.

There's a few ways to go from here.

I could kill myself.
Or I could wait until I become more of a wreck, become more depressed, more wicked, more corrupted, more disturbed, insane, hated, lonely, abandoned, left out until i become emotionally cold and later kill myself.

Option #2 doesn't seem like a fun option does it. In fact, people who live by depression usually go through a 'cycle' which slowly pushes them down until it becomes as serious as 'suicide'.
There are many terms that revolves around it.
But I think you get the point.




To you, this part probably doesn't to be as bad as the others, right?
To tell you the truth. It kinda' is.

Imagine to have gone through all this ♥♥♥♥, only to live a bit longer, destroyed and just crushed all the way to your core of hopes & dreams.
What do you live for? You only live, because people tell you to do so.
There's no real reason for it.

It's true, a wise man once said "You create your way of living, by building up your hopes, dreams & goals".
But everybody can't see that one decision.
Because everybody does not have a clear vision over what they feel like doing with their lives.
In fact, everything I want to do as my dream, is in fact impossible for me to accomplish. Because I can't break out of the cycle that i'm currently struggling with.
I wake up, I eat, I think. I have no Energy to do Anything.



It's as hopeless as it can possibly get.


Yet.. I still ♥♥♥♥ live for some ♥♥♥♥ reason, I can not believe that i'm typing out my inner feelings over the internet in hope for things to become better, in hope for someone to understand my inner feelings, thoughts and reasoning.
I can not understand why you would care about me let alone respond or read this ♥♥♥♥ for one second.
I do not understand why.

It ALWAYS comes down... To 'why' this... 'why' that...

To think that it would come to this.
I just wanted to live a good life, be happy for once.
But they all have to push my happiness down in order to grasp and take from me.

Even my parents does.
THEY WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND ME.

No matter HOW MANY TIMES I tell them, No matter HOW MANY ♥♥♥♥ TIMES I TELL THEM...
THEY WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND ME.
Never, ever, will they understand me, I can't talk with them without them accusing ME for feeling the way I am.

Because you know, that's fair right?
Nice, good. Because I love(d) them too(maybe).

Sometimes I hear stuff... Like 'Foreign' or 'liars', sometimes they say 'deflection of your inner sense' combined with the first words and sometimes 'why, for I do what he told me to' chained with the following sentence 'never walk away' combined with the first words.
I must say, I agree with them.
But it's difficult to see rationality at its core when it's corrupt, evil and just... INJUSTICE at its Core!

I only wanted to be loved ya kno'.........
I only wanted to feel loved.
I want to be cared for..
Why... can I not feel it.


Umm, if you guys have any comments or questions. I'll be answering them I guess.
Thanks.

Oh and by the way. Thanks for reading.
And such.

[JSlayerXero]

Interesting, you sound like me. Here I thought I'd never find a person like me around here. Everybody puts on some masquerade of being fine, of being alright. People that are hurting inside always do that and it irritates me to no end. At least you're being honest. It's odd being in that mindset. Always questioning the world. Always wondering what motive is behind everything. Is there even a motive? I've forgotten what love is in the past. I've had times where I couldn't accept compliments and felt like calling them liars. It's weird, it's like looking into a mirror that tinted red when I read this. Bloody, horrifying red, but still a mere tint on what otherwise says this is what you look like. It's bizarre that people love for their own benefit. I've made stories with emotions, scenarios, and other things. I've probably made a few just for the sake of venting the emotions I don't output on a regular basis. It's weird; sometimes I feel them. I've made them, so they're all me, so sometimes I feel the pain of those in them, their struggles, their sorrow. Death, torture, hopelessness, sorrow, mental agony, panic attacks, depression, fear, and a whole truckload of other things; I feel them all every now and then. They're some of the strangest sensations I've ever had. It's odd; some of that gives me an idea of what you're going through. I don't know for sure, but I have an idea. If you have any questions for me to answer, feel free to ask. I'll see if I can't get into your head and work with you.

[Ayrayen]

Interesting, you sound like me. Here I thought I'd never find a person like me around here. Everybody puts on some masquerade of being fine, of being alright. People that are hurting inside always do that and it irritates me to no end. At least you're being honest. It's odd being in that mindset. Always questioning the world. Always wondering what motive is behind everything. Is there even a motive? I've forgotten what love is in the past. I've had times where I couldn't accept compliments and felt like calling them liars. It's weird, it's like looking into a mirror that tinted red when I read this. Bloody, horrifying red, but still a mere tint on what otherwise says this is what you look like. It's bizarre that people love for their own benefit. I've made stories with emotions, scenarios, and other things. I've probably made a few just for the sake of venting the emotions I don't output on a regular basis. It's weird; sometimes I feel them. I've made them, so they're all me, so sometimes I feel the pain of those in them, their struggles, their sorrow. Death, torture, hopelessness, sorrow, mental agony, panic attacks, depression, fear, and a whole truckload of other things; I feel them all every now and then. They're some of the strangest sensations I've ever had. It's odd; some of that gives me an idea of what you're going through. I don't know for sure, but I have an idea. If you have any questions for me to answer, feel free to ask. I'll see if I can't get into your head and work with you.

About acting up as being 'fine', I've always had the idea of never letting Anyone in the world lift my backpack which for so long has been a burden.
Never ever have I wanted to be a nuisance to anyone in the world, and when I feel like I burden some, I feel like a complete mess & a failure.
So I usually don't go and tell people about how I feel, as it would probably burden them.
There are times where I really have to 'talk' with people to get some 'understanding' & Feedback. But it's kind of.. rare.

I'm happy that others can reflect upon my 'experiences' & 'feels'.
I don't know why. But if it feels good, it must be good.


I will probably wait a little before I write part 4 in which i'm sure you people don't mind waiting for.
(who would like to wait for depressing stuff anyways, oh wait, I do.)


And I think i'm alright without asking any questions, for now.

But as always, thanks for reading & commenting (Yes, even if it's a little comment, I appreciate it highly).

[Harmless]

This post by Harmless was thumbed up by:

Dtroid (January 3rd, 2014, 12:36 am)

[Ayrayen]

Hmm. I also questioned the world. After some thinking a few years ago I concluded that everything happens for a reason, and we simply need to find why that reason exists. People don't inexplicably do things and things don't happen because of nothing caused it to do so.

In fact, sometimes I wonder as well why people help each other. Is there any benefit to giving your care to others, not yourself? Well, if you give all of your care to another person then it can either be abused or you'll deprive yourself. But there's no reason you can't still care for other people. I used to be completely blind to love as well. I didn't see the point, whenever I tried I was hated or misunderstood. I still try to help people nowadays, and so far it's a little bit better, but I dunno. I just don't see why we would do the opposite, which is why I choose one or the other. And I choose helping people, because hurting others doesn't help me or the victim in any way, really.

Why make enemies when you can have people at your back? I wish people understood this more.

This world is kinda weird indeed.
And so are humans and our motives.



It's finally time to go through part 4 of my life.
The more 'ehh' part of my life.





Part 4 - Religion & Me

(Sometimes when we're lost and seek for answers, we might turn to a sensitive subject to discuss - Religion)

At the younger days, probably before I was 12 years old - I didn't believe in Religion at all.
Some dudes enter'd the class one day, the teacher told us that they'll discuss an important matter - Religion.
I thought it was a part of the subject in school, but no, this was all about Belief.
In fact, I think they did a survey, maybe. However...

We got a paper where we could cross into 2 different alternative boxes.
Are you religious - "Yes" or "No".

This my friends, was a huge turn point in my life.
But was it for the better? Or for the worse..?

I'm going to try and explain this in the best way possible for You to understand My motives and thoughts.
I divide Religion into 2 different parts.

What's these parts then?

#1 - To chose to believe
or
#2 - To be rather vaguely... 'forced' believing.

The number Two part - obviously doesn't sound good at all, but what makes it dangerous is that you think that: Your Belief, really is the Correct one.

Let me explain further...

When we grow up, we're easily affected by people around us, and when it comes to Religious Parents, things can start getting out of hand quickly.

Imagine if you actually (If you're not already strongly religious) believed that there is a 'God' in this world. And if the Bible truly is 'his' words along with the 10 given rules.
Wouldn't you want to save others by spreading the Religion around so that you won't fall into 'Hell' once you die? (Yes, Christianity)
I'm pretty sure no one wants to fall there if it now to exists...

That's something that makes me angry with Religion, because You Should CHOSE to believe and not because you're too afraid of dying and going to hell if you refuse too.
Sure, many beliefs are not like these, but they do have one thing in common... to restrict you a lot for a simpler life. In which i'm fine with but...
It quickly gets out of hand with Religious people, since they quickly tell you that... You're going to hell... Because for example: you're going to commit suicide.

That my friend, is harsh.

I'm pretty sure that if there exists a God, he should know this far better than anyone else in this world.
Going to hell because some has it more difficult than others, because some might have a mental illness and struggling with it as hard as they can, because seeing suicide as a 'failure'.. to me... is Not the way to solve things.
It only makes you cling to life because of some unexplained motives from this one religion.

It's true, religion is based from a long time ago, but there are still people who Believes in it, a lot.

So what does this have to do with me?

Well Christianity and Suicidal thoughts - Don't go well together.
I'm a philosophical man who believes in religion - i'm someone who's rational, tries to 'define' meanings and happenings in life.
Yet, i'm religious. But to an extent.

This is where the interesting part starts.

When I was younger, I fell for it, going to hell because I kill myself. I became religious that way.
Because nobody wants to go there right?

Then I started to wonder, is it truly what Religion is all about?
The fear, the worrying... It only made me feel worse.

So I stopped believing in Other Religions.
Because the constant worrying and questioning made me crazy.

In fact, I created my own religion.

A religion which clearly states the obvious.

It doesn't matter who you are, what you're going to do or what you've done to this point in time. We're all humans, and we're all going to the same place after death.
We can't prove 'God's' Existence...
Nor can we prove that he's Nonexistent...
Live with what you got, be happy with it and do what's best with what you've got.
And if you can't, don't judge yourself over it.

This is what I believe in.
And I accept others beliefs as well, but never change someone else's belief.

Because in the end, you should believe in what makes you happy & not in what others believe in is happy.

But hey, that's my opinion.

And yet again, this might seem like a minor issue compared to the other parts.
But damn, religion is like a fist to the face sometimes..



Thanks for reading. Again.

[~MP3 Amplifier~]

This post by ~MP3 Amplifier~ was thumbed up by:

Killswitch (January 4th, 2014, 5:19 pm)

[JSlayerXero]

This post by JSlayerXero was thumbed up by:

Dtroid (January 6th, 2014, 12:42 am)

[Ayrayen]

I'm reading MP3's first paragraph. To sum up my reaction: If you ever wondered why I alienated the Catholicism from Christianity that one time, that's why. They're a bit like Judaism in that it's always with the rules. It's like they can't grasp the several times where it says faith is what's important.

And no matter where I looked in Christianity, it was always the same- suicide is a sin. But like every other sin, it should be forgiven, if not forgiven, then understood by God himself that committing suicide is basically the death of depression. You wouldn't send somebody who died from anorexia to hell, so why is suicide any different? When you are that desperate and that hopeless, it is literally the only thing left, or that's how you feel. But you can't exactly see any differently because your sight and happiness is still blinded by that monster in you. If God was really omnibenevolent, as catholics and other christians describe him to be, then he would understand. They see God as a father figure- I mean, would a good father banish you from happiness forever and curse you if you were ill enough to feel this way?

I'm sure there are actual Christians that are professed Catholics, it might even be most of them for all I know, but again, there are reasons as to why I separated the two as different religions. Suicide is a sin, but it's not the unforgivable sin. There's only one sin with that title. No real Christian is capable of that because otherwise it would result in real Christians going to hell, which doesn't happen. You don't know how much I want to groan reading the idea to the contrary.

Responding to Ayrayen, technically, the 10 commandments were summed up with one commandment to love, because if you truly love, the law would come naturally.

That's something that makes me angry with Religion, because You Should CHOSE to believe and not because you're too afraid of dying and going to hell if you refuse too.

Odd, you understand actual Christianity.

It doesn't matter who you are, what you're going to do or what you've done to this point in time. We're all humans, and we're all going to the same place after death.
We can't prove 'God's' Existence...
Nor can we prove that he's Nonexistent...

Basically you're an agnostic. For a quick crash course, agnostics acknowledge God could exists, but not necessarily that He does. You're the second person I know to believe almost this exact same thought train.

Fake Christians are everywhere. I don't think there's any faster way for somebody to be turned away from Christianity that to encounter one of these. It's possible both of you have had that issue.

What I don't understand is that seemingly nobody grasps how faith-based humanity is. Because in the end, all of what call history is based on eye-witness account. While similar events can be repeated, no exact event can be, because we can't go back in time. Even if we could, it's still a different event because of our presence. Thus we didn't repeat a previous event, but made a new one. Even if it's written, you must put faith in the author's record to be correct, and what actually gets written down as being correct. Even in this era of technology, it's possible to alter videos and picture to very realistic degrees, and you wouldn't know for sure if that's real or not, so you must have faith that videos and image are unaltered, much like writing. Even voices can be altered with proper knowledge. The Bible was written based on eye-witness accounts. Some of these were of supernatural origin, but several others weren't. All of the four Gospels are based on eye-witness. Because of this, the Bible isn't any different from what we call history. It's eye-witness. Anybody who would discredit the Bible because it's eye-witness has unknowingly discredited all of history.

Have I been unclear about anything?

I'm pretty sure you made yourself clear.

Still, I would not call myself 'Christian', i'd just say i'm a human whom because of earlier events in life, got twisted by wrong choices with to many paths to choose by whilst being pressured by it as well.
If there's a 'God', I would like to speak with him once I die (If that becomes possible).

But for now, i'm going to try my best and 'survive'.


My mom is treating me differently now, she knows i'm depressed now.
You want to know what I hate? Being a burden.
I'd rather die alone than having friends crying at my grave. It's better in my opinion.

Then again, my vision is probably corrupted or some ♥♥♥♥ like that.

Is it bad that I think the way I do?
What do you guys think..?