runouw.com

It's okay, I wasn't really expecting you to be happy to see me, because well, I basically deserted you and left. Wasn't your fault at all, it was completely my fault so I'm sorry about that. It's also sad because it's not the first time I've done that. Believe me I have no fun leaving people behind like that in fact all I really want to do is contact them and ask them how they're doing but a part of my mind tells me that they'll just get bored of me if I do that, and that they'll ask me to leave anyway.

I noticed you changed a lot and don't worry I'm still suicidal too (on some level) but well, I'm pulling through, and by your tone I think you are trying to as well. It's not just my best friend some years ago who had cancer too, I've had other online friends be diagnosed with it from different sites, one of them I haven't heard from in months so believe me I'm very worried about all of you. It's hard, agreed. Sometimes it's good to expect the worst because if you do have it, it will be no shocks, but if you don't then that's something incredibly relieving to think about.

I'm really sorry for not talking to you, I feel just awful. :/ I think part of me was worried that I would spread my pessimism which did actually happen on the forums for a little while lol. Partly the reason I left (not the whole reason though).

I'm also waiting for an important diagnosis that could also be an answer for me soo we are in a similar boat. Just that mine isn't seen to be quite as dangerous as yours, but in the long run they can both be damaging. Also I would absolutely run Race4Life for you. (a UK women cancer research event, I ran it for my other friend too)

Love ya bro, even if you probably don't like me back right now..

~MP3 Amplifier~ wrote:It's okay, I wasn't really expecting you to be happy to see me, because well, I basically deserted you and left. Wasn't your fault at all, it was completely my fault so I'm sorry about that. It's also sad because it's not the first time I've done that. Believe me I have no fun leaving people behind like that in fact all I really want to do is contact them and ask them how they're doing but a part of my mind tells me that they'll just get bored of me if I do that, and that they'll ask me to leave anyway.

I noticed you changed a lot and don't worry I'm still suicidal too (on some level) but well, I'm pulling through, and by your tone I think you are trying to as well. It's not just my best friend some years ago who had cancer too, I've had other online friends be diagnosed with it from different sites, one of them I haven't heard from in months so believe me I'm very worried about all of you. It's hard, agreed. Sometimes it's good to expect the worst because if you do have it, it will be no shocks, but if you don't then that's something incredibly relieving to think about.

I'm really sorry for not talking to you, I feel just awful. :/ I think part of me was worried that I would spread my pessimism which did actually happen on the forums for a little while lol. Partly the reason I left (not the whole reason though).

I'm also waiting for an important diagnosis that could also be an answer for me soo we are in a similar boat. Just that mine isn't seen to be quite as dangerous as yours, but in the long run they can both be damaging. Also I would absolutely run Race4Life for you. (a UK women cancer research event, I ran it for my other friend too)

Love ya bro, even if you probably don't like me back right now..

Good thing i came back to see if there was any important posts to respond to as quick as possible.

Firstly, I am angry with the way you responded to the latest post.
I am indeed happy to see you, more than what words yet again can describe. If it is because I didn't explain well enough, well that's basically how I am.
I have a hard time expressing emotions at the time being.

When it comes to "Thinking oneself is a nuisance", just do not make up irrational assumptions like that Amp.
You're probably one of the most loved persons around here, and in my eyes anyways.
I want this to be as clear and formal as possible.
I don't hate you, and i've explained this before tons of times.

I love you too bro. Enough said.
Keep working hard, don't look back at past problems.

Keep your head up, look forward and move on.

I hope everything will work out for ya'.

Nah it wasn't your response I was just a bit paranoid. But thanks for clearing that up, really makes me a feel a lot better right now. xD

I hope that things will improve for you too- even though the chances of that happening look low right now, we never know what the future holds.
I've got my fingers crossed for you.

So...

Is Ayrayen ok?

"Hey Krille, i've been thinking and i'm not going to drag this out any longer. I've been missing you for the past 5 months. And i can't help but wonder how you are.

How are you Krille? What are you doing these days? I think of you very often and have felt sorrow from and during these months but in the last few weeks, I really felt bad. I understand why you broke up in touch with me and delete me from facebook and skype, it was probably because it was too hard having me around then?
I understand that, although I had been feeling the best that we could have continued as friends ... but I guess you can not always get exactly as you want. I'll be honest and say that I was completely destroyed when you delete me, and I thought "okay, I tried to keep the friendship but now I give up ..."
I'm not mad for it anymore, I'm just so terribly sorry I missed you! Krille!" // My ex.

..




...What....


In the hell?!

She's now accusing ME for the breakup and that I was the one removing the contact?!

WHAT SHE DID, WAS THE SOUL REASON TO WHY I ATTENDED TO GO SUICIDAL!
And now...
During all this time...
What all my "friends" been thinking, it was all my fault.
It has always been and will always be my fault for some reason.

I'm done, i am completely done with this.

F--- THIS, F--- That, I am done.
No more.
Finito.
The end.

I give up.

I've heard a lot about this relationship Ayray from you on skype and in PMs and honestly it's not worth it. She's not worth it. She sounds horrible from the past you've had with her and I don't know why she would send you that.

I'm completely on your side here. What others believe shouldn't matter- it's their loss at the end of the day for trusting a lie.
None of this is your fault and I know that, you know that, in fact we all know that. Nobody deserves pain like this and nobody deserves having this kind of blame. Many people suffer from this kind of relationship ♥♥♥♥ every day and it's actually why I'm terrified of them now. I wish I could convince you that she's not worth you being suicidal over, but I know that I just can't.

You don't have to like her, or be friends, or take the blame for her. You can hate her as much as you want. But don't use her as an excuse to give up, honestly. It might look like she's winning here but believe me she's not. She's only making it worse for herself. If the truth is that she deleted you and that she blocked you then inside she will know she is lying here and from personal experience, inner guilt really tortures the person enough to go insane.

I don't wanna say anymore as I don't want to provoke you or make you feel worse. :/
But I'm on your side.

Try not to hang out or associate with people that are detrimental to your health and psyche, Ay. It's probably hard to notice when someone is bad when you care about them, yes. But when you do notice, that's when I think you have to set things straight, in whatever way it ends up being.

I don't know how this was sent to you, but block it if possible.

~Halloweenafire~ wrote:I've heard a lot about this relationship Ayray from you on skype and in PMs and honestly it's not worth it. She's not worth it. She sounds horrible from the past you've had with her and I don't know why she would send you that.

I'm completely on your side here. What others believe shouldn't matter- it's their loss at the end of the day for trusting a lie.
None of this is your fault and I know that, you know that, in fact we all know that. Nobody deserves pain like this and nobody deserves having this kind of blame. Many people suffer from this kind of relationship ♥♥♥♥ every day and it's actually why I'm terrified of them now. I wish I could convince you that she's not worth you being suicidal over, but I know that I just can't.

You don't have to like her, or be friends, or take the blame for her. You can hate her as much as you want. But don't use her as an excuse to give up, honestly. It might look like she's winning here but believe me she's not. She's only making it worse for herself. If the truth is that she deleted you and that she blocked you then inside she will know she is lying here and from personal experience, inner guilt really tortures the person enough to go insane.

I don't wanna say anymore as I don't want to provoke you or make you feel worse. :/
But I'm on your side.

A
M
E
N


If she's going to act this way towards you, she will always act this way towards you. You do not need people like this in your life, the kind of people to force blame upon you. Exes, SOs, family, get the ♥♥♥♥ away from them all if they act towards you in this manner. Amp knows, I know, it's not good for you. If what she is saying is all forged lies, then she's not worth the time discussing matters with you, and you should cut the ties to her and block her from every manner of communication. People change, yes. But people will only change if they see it as beneficial towards their social lives. If they think the world is a ♥♥♥♥♥ to them when they themselves act like one...well, it sucks to be them. They're too stubborn to face reality. If they realize they're a ♥♥♥♥♥ to the world and want to change? Then they can change, but they have to do what it takes to change. It is no one's purpose to change but their own.


And if your ex is going to be an ♥♥♥ to you like she seems to be, pulling the blame game while disguising her true intentional motives in politeness, then trust me, she's better off not talking to you at all, and you should just sever all contact with her.


She also is doing what I call the rebound game. I don't mean she is dating others to fill the void or get back at you, I mean that once you two break up, she does anything she can to get back. In a way, it's parasitic in your case. She affects you emotionally and builds up resentment in your life, and yet will not take blame. But what she does is feed off you. She wants you to feel bad, feel pity for her. Probably self-boasting, or sees herself as perfect, so I'd call that narcissism. Either way, her not being in your life is good, and the fact that she still has this hold on your emotions is not healthy. Cut her off, delete her, whatever you have to do.

How asinine, our experience is.

Your ex sounds like a total ♥♥♥♥♥. It definitely sounds like the kind of girl I would like to beat the crap out of (yeah that's actually a category in my book xD I wouldn't actually do it, don't worry, it's just the feeling... sadly, a lot of people have been under that category at some point...).

She's not worth your time. Just ignore anything she says.

And go search for better friends. As I said in another post, you just have to pay some attention and dare to talk. I know that.

You'll be fine. I'm sure of it. I have faith in you.