It's a matter of time

[Harmless]

Yeah, people have no idea.
I often tend to give of a fake smile to avoid tough situations.

Right here I knew that we had something in common. I still don't know how to deal with it myself, honestly, despite that it's gotten better. And I would just say that look out for people who do care about you.

Do you think it's possible to look for the 50% jobs that are available? Maybe try to recover, or do something that you love? Because for every single person that you have there that hates or doesn't care about you, you have at least another person supporting you from here or another place in your heart. It may be slightly unbalanced, but you still have us by your side.

I would know, because I care about you. I really do.

No, I'm not asking for you to "Think Positive", or "Things will get better over time". I'm asking you to grab my hand and get on your feet. I've seen some similar situations where friends or family had to flee their homes even, be homeless for years, yet they made it out in the end. It's not completely over for you Ayray. If you play your cards right, I think you can turn this around, but it will take effort from you. Fight back.

[NanTheDark]

Answering to stuff in random order:

-I don't know if I have so much as voices, but I have like at least 20 conflicting people inside my head. Or something. You that thing they show in cartoons, where you have an angel in a shoulder and a devil in the other? Sorta like that, but way more points of view. Even weirder considering they're all me. xD Maybe it's just me imagining stuff...

-In Real Life I'm antisocial as heck and I still have friends who are nice to me (there's this guy who always offers me food, and helps me study, and other stuff... it's so much I sometimes feel like I'm abusing him. I've actually talked to him about it, and he doesn't mind, that's just how he is with his friends. What a nice guy). I have no idea how.

-Fake smile through tough situations... That sounds like something everyone's done at least once in their life.

-I know some friends who have jobs (Some of them are like part-time, but I guess it counts ) and stuff, and except for that one cab driver I'm pretty sure they didn't need a driver's license. A friend works as tech support, another one works in an anime stuff store... Well, now that I think of it, in US culture learning how to drive is more important. The license is pretty much your ID, and in a way driving a car is like being more free and whatnot...
And over here, buses aren't that much apart. I don't have problems getting to college and back (I have to go to another town to get there...).

-Think positive. It's not that hard to do. Even when you're so down. When you've falled a pit, there only one thing to do: climb back up. You just have to find the strength to do it. There's always some strength. I know it.

-Things will turn out for the better. You just have so see it differently. Don't let all bad things affect you so much.

-You are unique. And we do give a ♥♥♥♥. Last time I checked, I'm people. Just hang with those people who give a ♥♥♥♥. One of the things I learned about bullies is that they tend to pick on targets that are alone. Sticking to a group is a good way to avoid them. Love can keep hatred away.

-True... while I can't completely understand what you're going through (especially since I don't know all of it... Because one of my quirks is that I never know crap about what's going on), I can relate. I can feel your pain. I pray every night for you. I want you to get better. And I know you can do it. I have faith in you. And if I'm allowed to quote an over-the-top anime... if you don't believe in yourself, then believe in us. Believe in us, those who believe in you. YOUR DRILL WILL PIERCE THE HEAVENS

-I haven't really experienced war. My country's quite tame in that aspect I guess... Did you know Chile declared war on the Japanese during World War II? However, nothing really happened between Chile and Japan then. The last real war we had was the War of the Pacific (1879-1883), against both Peru and Bolivia. And we won. :3 CULTURE

-I value you too. :3 Have a great weekend, and like a friend of mine says, stay positive! ^_^

[darthbrowser]

Don't be ashamed of you thoughts, Ayrayen.

Misanthropy is the inevitable conclusion of sustained thought.

[Ayrayen]

I'm just...proud of you Ayray. Life is hard, we've all had our own individual taster of that let's be honest. Let's just put it lightly in that I've been in a rather foul mood today and just seeing you type that puts a smile on my face. Idk what in particular did, just the whole post. I sense something from you that makes me feel not just confident in you but confident in myself too. You're a very inspirational person.

EDIT: Oh yeah, as for the voices, I'm the same. I actually hear 2 opposing voices, and they both tell me that I'm fat, worthless, don't deserve to live etc. There's a lot more to it than just 'that', but it might be worth knowing that lots of people are in a similar boat emotionally right now.

Wait.. what..?

Please, for the love of pineapples and all that is lovely.
Hear your words and take inspiration from them & yourself, not me.

To say that I'm the "Inspirational One" here is in my opinion, Invalid.

Yes, for I have no place and I have no hints or 'ways' to sustain 'healthy' in any way, in which YOU show to others.
I am not inspirational, you are.

I'm just a lost wandering soul seeking for meaning. (Even tho' I've pretty much given everything up).

I am happy for you, but that i can not describe in words.
No, happiness comes in many different forms...
Showing happiness, is emotional, and yet so cold with words.
Yet... It can mean so much...

My point remains the same... Show people that it's worth fighting for.
I can not do that, therefore... Your words are not only spoken out by yourself, but for others that (as you mentioned) is in the same boat.

But I am nothing.
I'll remain that way, for this is what i'm not, and what I am.

Yeah, people have no idea.
I often tend to give of a fake smile to avoid tough situations.

Right here I knew that we had something in common. I still don't know how to deal with it myself, honestly, despite that it's gotten better. And I would just say that look out for people who do care about you.

Do you think it's possible to look for the 50% jobs that are available? Maybe try to recover, or do something that you love? Because for every single person that you have there that hates or doesn't care about you, you have at least another person supporting you from here or another place in your heart. It may be slightly unbalanced, but you still have us by your side.

I would know, because I care about you. I really do.

No, I'm not asking for you to "Think Positive", or "Things will get better over time". I'm asking you to grab my hand and get on your feet. I've seen some similar situations where friends or family had to flee their homes even, be homeless for years, yet they made it out in the end. It's not completely over for you Ayray. If you play your cards right, I think you can turn this around, but it will take effort from you. Fight back.

Trust me, i'm not sitting and rolling my thumbs here waiting for myself to get a drivers license. (As i can not get it with my current income).
Getting a job in MY Condition, is difficult. Let alone that... Kills off so many jobs.
I can't handle it.
I'm weak.

People being homeless, people getting kicked out because ones mother has died, leaving the father alone with mentally disturbed images and disturbing thoughts.
Corruption at it's core takes over the dad, hatred forms and he kicks out his daughter. Hatred towards her birth, kicking her out as his final step towards leaving the old memories behind.
Yes i've seen it before.
It is a terrible deed.

And about fighting back.
I'm strong, and i'm not saying this of confidence over myself.
NO...

I'm saying this because i've endured hell that walks this earth to this day.
Just because i've witnessed the evil walking around here, doesn't mean i've given up.
What makes me give up is the fact that i'm feeling sick.

You know, I'm going to try and explain how my thoughts process through my brain and what it does/leads to. (How it makes me feel).



Imagine, you've been up for 36 Hours straight. You're too tired to think about your daily routine, (eat, hold conversations, do your job at school, hold your shiet together.).
Then you start hearing voices in your head provoking you from actions such as: responding to a friend in a nice way, it's telling you that you're nothing, your friend is nothing.
Tell him that he's crazy, tell him that you're feeling shiet, tell him that you don't give a single ♥♥♥♥ about him.
"He's" attacking you in every opportunity where you get to express yourself. He wants you to witness sorrow, he wants YOU to say it, tell everyone that you're miserable too.
10 Seconds has passed, and you answer to your friend.
"Yeah i'm alright". THOUSANDS of comments burst from your head.
"Why didn't you tell him the way it was"..
"You should've told him to go ♥♥♥♥ himself"..
"You lied, you're worse than scum"...
2 Seconds has passed as you try to hold your sanity in one piece to hide your feelings.

People look at me as if i were a freak.
No... I am a freak, and yet people look at me and walk away from me.
It's easy to say "I accept you for who you are" without knowing how "One" really is.

I'm a religious philosopher. I try to define what "God" is, if he exists. This leads to depression as i can not define what's not there, but i can not either prove he's not there.
I begin to question rights and beliefs along with ethical decisions.

Have i mentioned that i have phobias too?
I can't go outside my house without thinking that i'm about to die.
Combine that with how tired you are, and your voices constantly taunting you.
You lose control, your heartbeat goes up, you get stressed more and more, voices gets louder as you walk down the road. You start losing control and track of time, you try to stay focused but you fail instead.
I've been trying to talk with people about this problem.
YOU CAN NOT UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT THIS IS WITHOUT EXPERIENCING IT YOURSELF (Note, i'm not yelling at you. I'm stating a very clear fact).

I just explained to you, how 1 minute feels like in my life.

Telling someone in my condition to stay positive means (excuse my foul language) literally dogshiet to me.

It's like saying "just a flesh wound".
It doesn't solve anything.

Let me tell you all something very important.
We all have our fair share of problems, yes sure we do. But we all have it differently tough.
Even though we really ♥♥♥♥ try to adapt to this misery we live in.

We always come to question ourselves. Our existence becomes meaningless.
We become a hindrance to the ones we love, we're the reason to why they're feeling sad.




You know what...
I have a dream.
I want to be loved, and i want to be a great father.
I want to become a musician.

"Strive for those goals then!" is probably what you're thinking right now.
"Don't give up, things will change!" Now you're being selfish, you're seeing it from YOUR perspective. Not mine.
It's impossible for me to fight at this current state.
Remember the above, being tired, paranoid, voices, questioning your thoughts/actions & beliefs.

I've given up hope as it is irrational to me. It's not something i believe in.

I don't mean to let you down, and i will probably hate myself after posting this because i just want to be loved and not be someone who brings people down.

I'm done here.

Answering to stuff in random order:

-I don't know if I have so much as voices, but I have like at least 20 conflicting people inside my head. Or something. You that thing they show in cartoons, where you have an angel in a shoulder and a devil in the other? Sorta like that, but way more points of view. Even weirder considering they're all me. xD Maybe it's just me imagining stuff...

-In Real Life I'm antisocial as heck and I still have friends who are nice to me (there's this guy who always offers me food, and helps me study, and other stuff... it's so much I sometimes feel like I'm abusing him. I've actually talked to him about it, and he doesn't mind, that's just how he is with his friends. What a nice guy). I have no idea how.

-Fake smile through tough situations... That sounds like something everyone's done at least once in their life.

-I know some friends who have jobs (Some of them are like part-time, but I guess it counts ) and stuff, and except for that one cab driver I'm pretty sure they didn't need a driver's license. A friend works as tech support, another one works in an anime stuff store... Well, now that I think of it, in US culture learning how to drive is more important. The license is pretty much your ID, and in a way driving a car is like being more free and whatnot...
And over here, buses aren't that much apart. I don't have problems getting to college and back (I have to go to another town to get there...).

-Think positive. It's not that hard to do. Even when you're so down. When you've falled a pit, there only one thing to do: climb back up. You just have to find the strength to do it. There's always some strength. I know it.

-Things will turn out for the better. You just have so see it differently. Don't let all bad things affect you so much.

-You are unique. And we do give a ♥♥♥♥. Last time I checked, I'm people. Just hang with those people who give a ♥♥♥♥. One of the things I learned about bullies is that they tend to pick on targets that are alone. Sticking to a group is a good way to avoid them. Love can keep hatred away.

-True... while I can't completely understand what you're going through (especially since I don't know all of it... Because one of my quirks is that I never know crap about what's going on), I can relate. I can feel your pain. I pray every night for you. I want you to get better. And I know you can do it. I have faith in you. And if I'm allowed to quote an over-the-top anime... if you don't believe in yourself, then believe in us. Believe in us, those who believe in you. YOUR DRILL WILL PIERCE THE HEAVENS

-I haven't really experienced war. My country's quite tame in that aspect I guess... Did you know Chile declared war on the Japanese during World War II? However, nothing really happened between Chile and Japan then. The last real war we had was the War of the Pacific (1879-1883), against both Peru and Bolivia. And we won. :3 CULTURE

-I value you too. :3 Have a great weekend, and like a friend of mine says, stay positive! ^_^

^^^
Read what i answered above this.
I won't believe in something that i don't find any faith in or happiness in.

Would you chose believing in a religion if all it brings is pain, sorrow and depression?

Exactly.

It is how we perceive problems that makes us blind at times.

Don't be ashamed of you thoughts, Ayrayen.

Misanthropy is the inevitable conclusion of sustained thought.

...I am crazy, yet i am calm.
...I am silent, yet i want to scream.
...I'm filled with hatred, yet i wait for love.
...I believe in religion, yet i question it.
...I am nothing, yet i want to be recognized.
...For i am No one, as well as someone.

I find it hard to be accepted anywhere in life.
But it feels like you understand... or at least have acceptance for how i look at things.
It's weird... Yet i like it.








My friends.
Read this post before commenting.
Read through what you write, and reflect upon my earlier posts.

How will i react to what you guys write?
How will you guys react to what i write?
Be calm before answering.
And rational for that matter.

I'll continue and "Try" to live.
There's nothing i can "assure" you i will do tomorrow.. or the day after that.

But as i mentioned earlier.
I'm not weak, yet i cry showing intense sadness. Often showing to others that my current state is weak.
How pathetic isn't that.

A man who's trying to show he's strong, but ending up showing for "others" that i'm currently "weak".

Hehe... So many questions... so much to question.. yet so little time.
I'll be off.

Hope you have a good evening/morning/afternoon folks.

And as always... Questions will be answered, and comments reflected and answered upon.

*Waves*

[~MP3 Amplifier~]

Pineapples and pringles, yes.

But in all honesty, I'm not an inspirational person at all. In fact I'd go as far as to say I'm a fake. I take my inspiration from others and like most other people suffering, I become a hypocrite about how everyone else should be fighting when I'm not fighting at all. I mean, don't get me wrong, I care a lot about people. But just as nice and helpful I can be, I can also be very bitter and very mean. I've probably bullied many a person in the past without realising because of this.

Doesn't help that I'm getting regular meltdowns atm too.
(that's basically an autistic equivalent of a breakdown or anger spurt)
It's horrible. I lose control of everything. It's like I suddenly see red and the world is spinning around me. I've even been more violent recently in relation to this. I'm not in a great place anyway to be honest...I'm beginning to worry if I'm turning psychotic. (probably not, but y'know, I am an overthinker so naturally I always tend to create more problems for myself than there were in the first place)

I mean I wouldn't say that I overthink everything, I mean, I was born with autism, I've always been a little bit suicidal even if it's just an interest in the afterlife or that kind of thing and eventually it just took a turn for the worst, clinical depression runs down my dad's side of the family I guess so that explains that, and other various issues seem to have been present at points earlier in my life. The overthinking really is just a trigger and I suppose it also makes me paranoid. Who knows, you could have the same problem.

I suppose I use this topic not just as a place to care for you but also as a place for me to vent my feelings sometimes. Y'know a lot gets on my mind nowadays, and the more I keep them in the worse everything gets in the long run. Maybe I'm also finding this topic a fair bit upsetting because I don't think I've ever had as many people care about me as there are people responding to you, and I'm quite sure the rest of Runouw wouldn't show anywhere near as much sympathy as they show you.

(perhaps that's true, perhaps it isn't- but the point was already proven when I was getting all this hate about 3 months ago and I was in equally if not a worse bad place than I am describing now. I was angry a lot of the time, and much of the reason why IS because I was having contradicting voices in my head 24/7 and it was driving me insane. Then attempting that mod break only to find out that moderating relaxed me so I went back to it fairly quick. Took me a while to say this in detail but I just felt so hated that it was like nobody was going to understand or even care...is a really hard thing to deal with alone too.)

But either way,
You could probably conclude I'm jealous of the support. Well, in all fairness I actually am on some level. Aren't we all jealous over things we don't have? It's not so much internet support I'm searching for, just RL support, but it turns out I have ♥♥♥♥ luck there too. Idk, it's always the same old thing. Referring me to different places, then not getting along so moving me again.
I feel like I've told about a thousand people my life story at this point. I just want it to end. I want somebody to step up and finally see that this is not fixable just through meaningless talking. In the past year I've considered inpatient help as I kept switching through recovery and relapse stages. I'm beginning to worry if I will ever find a way out of this if I don't go for full time help. A weekly meeting where I just rant and get angry over my problems is not working for me right now.


...well yeah, so I suppose I've just given a taster into my life at this moment. I mean don't get me wrong, some days are good. Some days are just fine and neutral. But some days are just horrible and unbearable. I almost don't know what I'm waking up to anymore.

Whatever happens anyway. I'm here. And as hard as life can be, you can find your true friends just by sticking together and taking each day at a time. I will be that friend if you want. I never had that friend...really the only person who ever equaled up to being that friend was my sister. (if you're reading this Mollie I love youu :3) So yeah, I want to be that person.


EDIT: Oh yeah other people reading this post. Fyi I spend most of my Runouw time having fun replying to topics, so don't just assume I've got a fake smile all the time. I do genuinely have fun on the site. :p Especially now that all those unbearable arguments stopped.

[Ayrayen]

Pineapples and pringles, yes.

But in all honesty, I'm not an inspirational person at all. In fact I'd go as far as to say I'm a fake. I take my inspiration from others and like most other people suffering, I become a hypocrite about how everyone else should be fighting when I'm not fighting at all. I mean, don't get me wrong, I care a lot about people. But just as nice and helpful I can be, I can also be very bitter and very mean. I've probably bullied many a person in the past without realising because of this.

Doesn't help that I'm getting regular meltdowns atm too.
(that's basically an autistic equivalent of a breakdown or anger spurt)
It's horrible. I lose control of everything. It's like I suddenly see red and the world is spinning around me. I've even been more violent recently in relation to this. I'm not in a great place anyway to be honest...I'm beginning to worry if I'm turning psychotic. (probably not, but y'know, I am an overthinker so naturally I always tend to create more problems for myself than there were in the first place)

I mean I wouldn't say that I overthink everything, I mean, I was born with autism, I've always been a little bit suicidal even if it's just an interest in the afterlife or that kind of thing and eventually it just took a turn for the worst, clinical depression runs down my dad's side of the family I guess so that explains that, and other various issues seem to have been present at points earlier in my life. The overthinking really is just a trigger and I suppose it also makes me paranoid. Who knows, you could have the same problem.

I suppose I use this topic not just as a place to care for you but also as a place for me to vent my feelings sometimes. Y'know a lot gets on my mind nowadays, and the more I keep them in the worse everything gets in the long run. Maybe I'm also finding this topic a fair bit upsetting because I don't think I've ever had as many people care about me as there are people responding to you, and I'm quite sure the rest of Runouw wouldn't show anywhere near as much sympathy as they show you.

(perhaps that's true, perhaps it isn't- but the point was already proven when I was getting all this hate about 3 months ago and I was in equally if not a worse bad place than I am describing now. I was angry a lot of the time, and much of the reason why IS because I was having contradicting voices in my head 24/7 and it was driving me insane. Then attempting that mod break only to find out that moderating relaxed me so I went back to it fairly quick. Took me a while to say this in detail but I just felt so hated that it was like nobody was going to understand or even care...is a really hard thing to deal with alone too.)

But either way,
You could probably conclude I'm jealous of the support. Well, in all fairness I actually am on some level. Aren't we all jealous over things we don't have? It's not so much internet support I'm searching for, just RL support, but it turns out I have ♥♥♥♥ luck there too. Idk, it's always the same old thing. Referring me to different places, then not getting along so moving me again.
I feel like I've told about a thousand people my life story at this point. I just want it to end. I want somebody to step up and finally see that this is not fixable just through meaningless talking. In the past year I've considered inpatient help as I kept switching through recovery and relapse stages. I'm beginning to worry if I will ever find a way out of this if I don't go for full time help. A weekly meeting where I just rant and get angry over my problems is not working for me right now.


...well yeah, so I suppose I've just given a taster into my life at this moment. I mean don't get me wrong, some days are good. Some days are just fine and neutral. But some days are just horrible and unbearable. I almost don't know what I'm waking up to anymore.

Whatever happens anyway. I'm here. And as hard as life can be, you can find your true friends just by sticking together and taking each day at a time. I will be that friend if you want. I never had that friend...really the only person who ever equaled up to being that friend was my sister. (if you're reading this Mollie I love youu :3) So yeah, I want to be that person.

We gather knowledge through our experiences, and it's through stories such as "These" that makes us learn.
Musicians take what they find good and put it into their Own song to vent out their Own Creation.

Just because you've taken inspiration from others doesn't mean you're NOT inspirational, let me tell you that.
We all have a our bad sides, who doesn't?
We're not perfect, we're far away from perfect.

But just because we're not perfect doesn't mean we're @ssholes for what have happened in the past.

There are murderers & innocent people who might have been attending to something illegal such as killing... But there are those who've changed willingly.
Now i'm not referring you to a murderer or anything like that, my point here is simply that you can go as far as to killing someone... and still change.
Believing that or not is for you to decide.

And i've told ya' already... Multiple times... Hundreds...
I'm always here for you.
Why should i entrust you to be there for me if i can't to the same towards you?
To me, that is highly illogical.
We're both in deep ♥♥♥♥.

And let me tell you this...
It's not about how many "Friends" you have, it's about how well of a "Friend" this person is.

And let me tell you this, they care for you as much as they would care for a random dude who just came back after a year of break and started whining about his life
and his mental condition.
To say that my situation is "Worse" is wrong, because it's not about the "Situation". It's rather about our condition.
We learn through pain, we acknowledge each other by it.

I understand Jealousy very well.
After all, i was constantly jealous on my ex for 3 constant years, every month, week, day, hour, minute, second.
I'm not going into that right now, because this is about you right now.

And listen to what i say for all that you care for.

I'm here, I've always been there for you. I'm a very good listener and I give some really good advice (through personal experiences of course).
And if i'm not enough...
Open your eyes, your at "your home". Surrounded by people who care for you.
Do you not think we'd miss you if you suddenly vanished?
It's like that with every member out there.
Don't value yourself less...

Shesh, you're an incredible individual whom jumped over fences taller than buildings (metaphor for obstacles in your waking life).
And if you don't look at the progression you make you may easily lose grip of what's important.

I still stay firm on what i've said.
Believe it or not.

You're not only an inspirational friend, you're a good friend too.
And trust me on this one, you're an inspirational to others too.

AND TRUST ME...
I'm not the only one who thinks that... (It's very obvious)...







Now... I can't help you if you're not contacting me.

So you know where to find me whenever you need me..

[Harmless]

Trust me, i'm not sitting and rolling my thumbs here waiting for myself to get a drivers license. (As i can not get it with my current income).
Getting a job in MY Condition, is difficult. Let alone that... Kills off so many jobs.
I can't handle it.
I'm weak.

People being homeless, people getting kicked out because ones mother has died, leaving the father alone with mentally disturbed images and disturbing thoughts.
Corruption at it's core takes over the dad, hatred forms and he kicks out his daughter. Hatred towards her birth, kicking her out as his final step towards leaving the old memories behind.
Yes i've seen it before.
It is a terrible deed.

And about fighting back.
I'm strong, and i'm not saying this of confidence over myself.
NO...

I'm saying this because i've endured hell that walks this earth to this day.
Just because i've witnessed the evil walking around here, doesn't mean i've given up.
What makes me give up is the fact that i'm feeling sick.

You know, I'm going to try and explain how my thoughts process through my brain and what it does/leads to. (How it makes me feel).



Imagine, you've been up for 36 Hours straight. You're too tired to think about your daily routine, (eat, hold conversations, do your job at school, hold your shiet together.).
Then you start hearing voices in your head provoking you from actions such as: responding to a friend in a nice way, it's telling you that you're nothing, your friend is nothing.
Tell him that he's crazy, tell him that you're feeling shiet, tell him that you don't give a single ♥♥♥♥ about him.
"He's" attacking you in every opportunity where you get to express yourself. He wants you to witness sorrow, he wants YOU to say it, tell everyone that you're miserable too.
10 Seconds has passed, and you answer to your friend.
"Yeah i'm alright". THOUSANDS of comments burst from your head.
"Why didn't you tell him the way it was"..
"You should've told him to go ♥♥♥♥ himself"..
"You lied, you're worse than scum"...
2 Seconds has passed as you try to hold your sanity in one piece to hide your feelings.

People look at me as if i were a freak.
No... I am a freak, and yet people look at me and walk away from me.
It's easy to say "I accept you for who you are" without knowing how "One" really is.

I'm a religious philosopher. I try to define what "God" is, if he exists. This leads to depression as i can not define what's not there, but i can not either prove he's not there.
I begin to question rights and beliefs along with ethical decisions.

Have i mentioned that i have phobias too?
I can't go outside my house without thinking that i'm about to die.
Combine that with how tired you are, and your voices constantly taunting you.
You lose control, your heartbeat goes up, you get stressed more and more, voices gets louder as you walk down the road. You start losing control and track of time, you try to stay focused but you fail instead.
I've been trying to talk with people about this problem.
YOU CAN NOT UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT THIS IS WITHOUT EXPERIENCING IT YOURSELF (Note, i'm not yelling at you. I'm stating a very clear fact).

I just explained to you, how 1 minute feels like in my life.

Telling someone in my condition to stay positive means (excuse my foul language) literally dogshiet to me.

It's like saying "just a flesh wound".
It doesn't solve anything.

Let me tell you all something very important.
We all have our fair share of problems, yes sure we do. But we all have it differently tough.
Even though we really ♥♥♥♥ try to adapt to this misery we live in.

We always come to question ourselves. Our existence becomes meaningless.
We become a hindrance to the ones we love, we're the reason to why they're feeling sad.




You know what...
I have a dream.
I want to be loved, and i want to be a great father.
I want to become a musician.

"Strive for those goals then!" is probably what you're thinking right now.
"Don't give up, things will change!" Now you're being selfish, you're seeing it from YOUR perspective. Not mine.
It's impossible for me to fight at this current state.
Remember the above, being tired, paranoid, voices, questioning your thoughts/actions & beliefs.

I've given up hope as it is irrational to me. It's not something i believe in.

I don't mean to let you down, and i will probably hate myself after posting this because i just want to be loved and not be someone who brings people down.

I'm done here.

Nah. I'm not let down. I think you've definitely given me a broader outlook. Sorry for assuming a lot of things about you.

On the other hand, I have experienced some of these things myself. Voices in my head, telling people "I'm okay"... yeah, it's really unpleasant. I constantly fight myself, always being the loser. I can see how you feel, Ayray.

I don't have much else to say, for I don't wish to tick a nerve. But no matter what happens, I'm here for you, like everyone else. It is why I give a ♥♥♥♥ to check this thread every day.

[darthbrowser]

This post by darthbrowser was thumbed up by:

Kimonio (November 2nd, 2013, 8:14 am)

[*Emelia K. Fletcher]

While I could in fact type out a whole reasoned argument complete with counters and solid evidence in studies, etc. etc., I'll just say "it's fine to be happy" and let you extrapolate my side of the argument from that

[Ayrayen]

Nah. I'm not let down. I think you've definitely given me a broader outlook. Sorry for assuming a lot of things about you.

On the other hand, I have experienced some of these things myself. Voices in my head, telling people "I'm okay"... yeah, it's really unpleasant. I constantly fight myself, always being the loser. I can see how you feel, Ayray.

I don't have much else to say, for I don't wish to tick a nerve. But no matter what happens, I'm here for you, like everyone else. It is why I give a ♥♥♥♥ to check this thread every day.

Aren't we all 'weird' in one way or another.
It's ridiculous how We get judged by others and so called 'friends'.

Abandon those bonds...

Ayrayren,

Self-loathing is the path to ascension.

If you are content with what you are, you will never rise above.

If only you could see what a gift you've been given. You may see it as a curse, but look at those you believe have it so much better.

They never accomplish anything of value. They cannot - they don't have motivation.

Humans need rather extreme motivation to expend resources which were once precious.

Their lives are easy.

Their lives are carefree.

Their lives are cages. And they will never escape.

Embrace yourself as a failure, and you will find the desperation to rise above.

You're halfway there already. If you found a goal...something to live for, something you're not worthy of...you could rise beyond limit.

All you need is a goal. Your problems will not be resolved. Your hatred will not depart. But you will find they are greater allies then any other.

And you will find peace.

We'll see what direction my life will be going soon.
Went to the doctor, and now i'm being sent away in a couple o' weeks.
So that they can look up what's wrong.

And I've got no 'allies', i'm not a very likable person to say the least.
Often sulking by myself.
It's so damn lonely... I hate it, but i like it at the same time.

I'm going to take a break so that I don't go crazy again. (which you all know happens with me way to often anyways).

While I could in fact type out a whole reasoned argument complete with counters and solid evidence in studies, etc. etc., I'll just say "it's fine to be happy" and let you extrapolate my side of the argument from that

Yes, it is fine.

But it all depends on how 'one' expresses his/her happiness towards people.
I've been at the place where people rub it in my face.
And that makes me sad sometimes.

Where there's light, there must be darkness.