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Warning: There is some graphic material herein, be forewarned.

So, I ran into an old friend of mine, Abhay, from middle school. He is from India, and he has just returned from a visit to the state of Madhya Pradesh, to see family. It is a mostly rural, Hindu, strongly conservative region, and though my friend was in a small city, those traditions prevail.

He came back because he had had his left arm and leg broken, almost had his spine broken, and suffered numerous minor injuries.

One night, he was out by himself. As he was maneuvering through the tight corridors typical of a rapidly expanding Indian city, he heard some screams from a nearby park. He went to investigate, and found a sight not all that uncommon in India today - a young girl being assaulted by several young men. Gangrape is considered a tool of salvation - a backlash against the Westernization and sexualization of India's traditionally highly conservative values. India is a near treasure trove of textbook feminist examples of violent appeals to traditionalism against emerging women's rights.

But all that is far away news and intellectual droll, and, on that night, Abhay decided to make a human difference. He approached the group, true to his name (Sanskrit for "Fearless").

They had tied the young women, with her lower garments torn off, to two trees by her legs, so she hung upside-down, with her torso at waist level and her head lying on the ground. The males numbered about 7, one was raping her while another was stomping and kicking her head. The rest stood around taunting her. Her crime was apparently being out at night - like in Muslim countries, women are not supposed to be out in the day without a male companion, and never out at night at all.

When Abhay approached, they enticed him to join him, but he asked them - kindly, despite his shock, to stop. But it was doomed. They recognized his American accent, and quickly took him to criticizing him as a tool of the Western powers out to destroy Indian culture. A verbal altercation ensued. It quickly became physical. Abhay was hopelessly outnumbered, and was never a fighter.

They beat him, and then held up him and made him count the number of times the girl was raped. One of the men ran off to get more attackers, and returned with around 25 others. For 30 minutes they beat and taunted Abhay and the girl as they made him count. The total count came to 27. Abhay was thrown at the edge of the park. The girl was left tied to the trees.

Abhay managed to crawl back to his family - the park was not far away from their tenement - who immediately took him to the hospital. Abhay later learned the girl had died of blood loss before the medical staff reached the park.

For obvious reasons, he decided to cut his "vacation" short, and returned to the U.S.

I probably should not have been so explicit, and I apologize that I was, but I feel people must understand. And I cannot imagine - nor could any illustration of words ever adequately convey - what it was like to be there.







We are close, and I had kept in contact with him, but we hadn't communicated for about 6 months, so I was surprised when I found him at a local science convention. He is still recovering from his injuries, currently in a wheelchair, but he reiterated his story to me. He cried speaking of it, and I cried hearing it.






I don't cry often - and when I do, it is - as much I resist saying it - for myself. I've observed something dreadful about the world, I've found a reason to commit suicide, e.t.c. But this time I cried only for humanity - for I couldn't understand how someone could be so cruel to a fellow human being. And I couldn't understand it later that evening, so I cried again. Nor the next morning, so I cried again. I can only imagine what Abhay must feel - the burden of having failed to stop an act he was forced to witness.






I pride myself in my ability to understand humanity from an intellectual level. I can discount what I deem illogical, and justify what I deem righteous, like an Olympian looking down upon Mankind.







But I can't understand humanity on an emotional level. I can't comprehend how people could exhibit such heinous acts of cruelty. I have never been able too - nor have I ever been able to ignore it. And so, for all my didactic power, I always find myself crushed on the inside.






I didn't need another such stimulus to become suicidal. And so I got closer to suicide than I have been in a long time - a horrifying thought to look back on, because, in all my thoughts, I have identified and planned for the mistakes I made last time. I'm quite confident - and quite fearful - if I attempted suicide again, I would succeed. But I thought of Abhay, surviving such terrible injuries, and undoubtedly feeling at least as bad as I, persevering, and I knew I could never do something as...cruel...as suicide.






This will sound odd to many of you. It sounds absurd to me. But, in my emotional rut, unable to live yet decided against death, I found Runouw comforting. I read through Ayrayen's entire thread again, Amp's thread about her EDNOS disorder (I know you asked not to mention it anywhere else, please forgive me this once), MoD's "Pick Me Up Thread," -KT and Oreo's threads, even my own thread. And...as callous may sound at first...I felt empowered. I am certainly not happy about the problems, life-threatening or philosophical, everyone is experiencing. But...for once I don't know how to articulate this...I felt supported, I suppose. Just immersed in the idea that there are others who are kind, yet prescient, and even though we are still hurting...as least we exist together.

The above paragraph probably made no sense, and I'm very tired and teary right now, but the point is I feel strong, in an odd, depressed sort of way. I feel more enraged about the injustices in the world than I feel sad...

Just seeing everybody open themselves up here. Each person's story or thoughts seem better or worse in comparison, but I know everyone who has come forward and spoken has done so at the cost of great personal pain. It is hard to talk about things which hurt one so much.






I suppose I can come off as a bit uncaring and anti-social, hiding behind my lexicon and thoughts and whatnot. I know it seems like I'm an arrogant sycophant, trying to shove my knowledge down everyone's throat, casting the good intentions and caring of others away in some elitist spasm even as I gain sympathy. And I'm so sorry if you guys ever got that impression. I guess I don't interact with or even acknowledge people because I'm always so incapacitated by my own depression. I'm always thinking of what others might think, if I might make a mistake if I was more outgoing.

The point I'm so thankful for all of you guys, having the strength to come forward. Not just because seeing your strength helped me emotionally, but because your displays of courage, in my opinion, redeem all of mankind.

I just wanna say that I care so much about all of you guys. I know it sounds really creepy, because I've never really interacted allot in the Runouw community, but I just want you all to know that I love - yes, love - and support of you guys so much. I don't know how to express this thought, really. Its like I just want to personally go to everyone here, who has ever been hurt or abused or saddened, and just pour out everything I have to give for them. I hope I don't sound too insane, I know I'm far from lucid right now - but this feeling is sincere. I know I can put people off, but I just want everyone to know how much your stories hurt me, and how much I care for each of you...we live in a broken world. A dystopia, a world humans have created which is - beyond all explanation - misanthropic. And recent events have made me respect the struggles of everyone in this inferno enough to come forward and admit I care. I guess thats all I want to say - and I'm sure I speak for everyone here:

I care.

I doubt I'll ever be able to completely understand the full impact of your experiences, but my feelings go out to you. It isn't easy. Life isn't easy. But you should absolutely understand that we're all like a huge family here. Like a family, we're sometimes bizarre to the point of embarrassment, but just as we can laugh together, we're more than capable of supporting each other together. We trust each other.

Your last line- "I care"- that's awesome. Caring is pretty much the reason we're all still here after nearly five years, and considering some recent events, it's nothing short of incredible that you made this topic.

I'll try to keep this short. I think I speak for everyone when I say you're intimidating at times, but you're here, and that makes you as much a part of the community as anyone else. Honestly, your presence speaks for itself- even if you hadn't posted today, the fact that you drop in from time to time suggests that there must be a reason. And that's perfectly okay. Like a proper family, we've got different personalities, with different interests, and different stories. It's not a bad thing, even if it does sometimes result in arguments. You described yourself as "uncaring and anti-social, hiding behind [your] lexicon and thoughts", but in light of this topic that seems more due to misunderstanding. We haven't really had a chance to get to know you outside of Serious Discussion, and yet despite that, people cared when you left and were glad when you returned.

It's really as simple as that. As demonstrated in the topics you mentioned, there's almost never judgement. Only acceptance and support, regardless of the person or the problem. That's why I'd have to say it's not creepy (although perhaps a bit out of character, sorry :p), just oddly relieving to actually read it in text. Just like it's fine to not really know how to express it, we all understand. I don't think it would be a mistake if you wanted to be a little more outgoing around us either, there's several people who would be interested in getting to know you both on the chat and the forums.

Suffering and depression are universal, but it doesn't have to be permanent. That's why we're here- even when it doesn't feel like there's anyone left offline- to help where we can. Sometimes it only takes one person and the smallest of gestures to make things a little bit better, and we've got an entire community here if anyone needs it. It's great that you're here, and awesome that you made this topic... It means a lot, thank you. We're here.

First things first, don't worry about mentioning my EDNOS. When I meant not to mention it elsewhere, I was sort of thinking of places like Off-Topic, in case it happened to slip out in a forum game or something. Whereas I'm okay with it being mentioned in serious discussion.

Also, I really very nearly did cry when I heard that story too. Mind you I barely cry anymore, the tears washed out of me years ago, and I'm not feeling too bad this morning. So it must be pretty awful if it got me even near the verge of tears. Gang rape is a horrible, horrible thing. I had a friend of mine live in London for a few years and on her second week there she was gang raped, she didn't tell me for ages but I don't blame her. If it had happened to me, I probably would have never spoken about it. The feeling of being ashamed and dirty is horrible, even if rape is never the victim's fault, it still doesn't stop you feeling that way.

I'm afraid I'm off to college now so I'll leave this post here, I do want to say more but I'll probably continue this post later or respond again if you've replied already. :3

This will sound odd to many of you. It sounds absurd to me. But, in my emotional rut, unable to live yet decided against death, I found Runouw comforting. I read through Ayrayen's entire thread again, Amp's thread about her EDNOS disorder (I know you asked not to mention it anywhere else, please forgive me this once), MoD's "Pick Me Up Thread," -KT and Oreo's threads, even my own thread. And...as callous may sound at first...I felt empowered. I am certainly not happy about the problems, life-threatening or philosophical, everyone is experiencing. But...for once I don't know how to articulate this...I felt supported, I suppose. Just immersed in the idea that there are others who are kind, yet prescient, and even though we are still hurting...as least we exist together.

The above paragraph probably made no sense, and I'm very tired and teary right now, but the point is I feel strong, in an odd, depressed sort of way. I feel more enraged about the injustices in the world than I feel sad...

Just seeing everybody open themselves up here. Each person's story or thoughts seem better or worse in comparison, but I know everyone who has come forward and spoken has done so at the cost of great personal pain. It is hard to talk about things which hurt one so much.

First off, it's not odd to me. I believe that most of us are touched by what everyone's fought through so far.
And we were all there, watching each others backs, watching it all unfold and helping them back up on their legs again.
I'm happy that MY Story, could HELP, even if just by a little bit. I'm glad. Truly am.

I feel power too when I read these stuff, because it shows that i'm not Alone.
Even though I cannot grasp that fact to my understanding, it's still there, white as snow.
I can see it.

I suppose I can come off as a bit uncaring and anti-social, hiding behind my lexicon and thoughts and whatnot. I know it seems like I'm an arrogant sycophant, trying to shove my knowledge down everyone's throat, casting the good intentions and caring of others away in some elitist spasm even as I gain sympathy. And I'm so sorry if you guys ever got that impression. I guess I don't interact with or even acknowledge people because I'm always so incapacitated by my own depression. I'm always thinking of what others might think, if I might make a mistake if I was more outgoing.

The point I'm so thankful for all of you guys, having the strength to come forward. Not just because seeing your strength helped me emotionally, but because your displays of courage, in my opinion, redeem all of mankind.

I just wanna say that I care so much about all of you guys. I know it sounds really creepy, because I've never really interacted allot in the Runouw community, but I just want you all to know that I love - yes, love - and support of you guys so much. I don't know how to express this thought, really. Its like I just want to personally go to everyone here, who has ever been hurt or abused or saddened, and just pour out everything I have to give for them. I hope I don't sound too insane, I know I'm far from lucid right now - but this feeling is sincere. I know I can put people off, but I just want everyone to know how much your stories hurt me, and how much I care for each of you...we live in a broken world. A dystopia, a world humans have created which is - beyond all explanation - misanthropic. And recent events have made me respect the struggles of everyone in this inferno enough to come forward and admit I care. I guess thats all I want to say - and I'm sure I speak for everyone here:

In my opinion, you're one of the more respectable men on Runouw, your words speak of deep meaning and yet I can still feel a sense of emotions in them as well.
You're so much more than what 'others' might see you as (or, think you are).

I'm thankful that you made a post like this, expressing this emotion to ALL of US.



After all...

We're not alone anymore, we stand strong together.
Unity, compassion, understanding and feels - we can do pretty much whatever we want.
Even tho' I might feel ♥♥♥♥ tomorrow or later today, i'm going to relish this moment.
Look up in the sky, thank for this one moment of mine. And just relax.

Thank you.

It has been mentioned many times here on Runouw, and elsewhere for that matter, that you cannot transmit emotion through text.

But your words are different. In your post I could actually FEEL the sadness and shock. It goes without saying that that was a horrible, horrible experience and I cannot take my mind off the girl who lost her life to a group of thugs for their own devious ends.
Your friend - Abhay - oh my God. He shouldn't feel like he failed at all. He attempted to do what most others would not. He put himself to stop the torture - what would most bystanders do? Run, I'll bet you. As you said, he made a difference. A colossal one. Personally, I am in awe of what he tried to do, and I suppose you could say it was a heroic act, even if the outcome was unfortunate.

I cannot think of the words to comfort you - what he told you would strike anyone with tears. Just make sure you know that Ven was speaking the truth - we're all one big, random, bizarre but kind family.

Yes, you have sometimes made me think you were being very technical. But you never annoyed me. Ever.

I agree with Karyete. Your friend did something wonderful, even though he suffered, he still made a difference.

As for your kind words, thank you very much. I wish sometimes I could just hug everyone here who is struggling right now. You don't come off insane at all, I think lots of people feel the same.

I do respect your friend a lot, despite not knowing him personally. He's pretty much one of these small sources of light in our dark dark world.
As the others, this story did indeed affect me a lot and it's a shame that there are people like these around. I do hate any of those. : /

I'm glad to see that you're gaining hope on this site as well. You're by far not the only one, though. And here are loads of great people, no matter where you're going to. Also great that you're caring. That's the first step to everything awesome happening in our world.

Never hated you the slightest bit. But I do think you do know that already. I'm horrible expressing anything with words. welp.

However. You're one of these guys I'm respecting a lot as well. (And it's somewhat cool to see you using pocket watches. : P)

Surprised you mentioned my topic. I won't update it. I'll just say it got far far worse...

I've had a few bad experiences, but nothing as bad as the ones of some of you Runouwians. I sincerely try to sympathize, and I genuinely do think "aw, that's nice" and smile whenever someone says this site is a support for them.

I didn't know what to expect in terms of replies, and I didn't really consider it as I wrote the opening post. I primarily wanted to get that out there.

I was emotional at the time, so I feel I owe you all a little more context and background than I gave in my opening post. I've always loved Runouw, and I can't elucidate exactly why. It has always been a warm and close-knit community - even during upheavals like the anti-MoY group and whatnot. All the internal conflicts have felt more like a family dispute than a serious conflict, and I noticed that in my empyrean lurking.

I kept coming back to Runouw, even though I could never seem to be able to contribute. I've made levels, but being a perfectionist, have never posted them. I watched the community strain and grow, bend and extend as time molded Runouw into what it is today. I finally started to interact because I was afraid Runouw would die off and I would never be able to.

Yet ironically, the landed community which characterizes Runouw is what let me express my deepest problems and mental quandaries here. The stagnation of the Runouw community has allowed its members to form deep bonds, bonds which are only truly seen after the fires which forged them have long since faded away. The reason I used the adjective "ironically" is because my personal problems are what has made me so isolated to most of Runouw, and yet they are what Runouw gives me a place to express unlike any other.

But I don't want to be using you guys as a sounding board for my myriad problems. I try to help others as well, even as I rarely have any time or sleep. Half of my posts here were made when I was sleep deprived or suicidal, and more often than not both. And I would try to be extroverted and altruistic here were it not for constantly feeling bad. My emotions are incapacitating.

The reason I made this thread is because Abhay's experience reminded of the experiences of everyone here as well, lessor as they may seem. And the fact that I am trying to help Abhay in every way I can made me feel a bit guilty that I don't do more here.

I've been suicidal for the longest time, and the succubus of death still tempts me every night. And I have come very close to fulfilling her.

I know her anatomy well, due to all the times I have come close to falling before her sway.

I have felt the emotional pain that lets Amp relate to so many, yet I also have the intellectual prescience that Doram displays. I have rows of cuts and engravings, carved in emotion and validated by the blood they spawned. Yet I have the ability to view emotion from a disillusioned, Olympian level at the same time. I have seen first, second, and third hand the atrocities of the world - and discussed them in the halls of erudites. I am 17 years old - all these factors place me in a seat of great opportunity. I feel I could so much for everyone here.

I can relate to Ayrayen's experiences on a closer emotional level than I feel most can, I can engage BY and wickedoreo on a intellectual level as high as they might like, e.t.c.

And yet, for the most part, I haven't. I've burdened you all with my own problems - and I don't think I've given nearly enough back. And though I still lack the time to do as much as I'd like, I want to nevertheless. So I made this thread in the interim, to do what I said - try and tell you guys I DO care, even if I rarely get the chance to prove it.

Runouw has helped me a lot, and I doubt any of you notice due to this being over the internet, but throughout all of 2011-2012 I was extremely depressed for reasons that I still would not want to say out loud. I never went as far to kill myself as like most of you know, I'm a pretty persistant ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥. I did often consider it though. But I'd do many things like not eat and almost drive myself to starvation many times. I never really talked about this to anyone but Doram on this site, but you guys' positive attitude really helped me get through it and now I'm out of that state and infact I'm pretty much the complete opposite. I never really wanted to talk about my problems on here since I felt we had enough problems at the time, not really sure how to end this besides saying that Runouw really helped me in a way that none of you may have noticed.