runouw.com

It's so weird to think about Runouw.com sometimes. There are websites all over the internet, and there are gaming sites all over the internet. And certainly most websites for indie game developers for flash games may not have nearly as big a contingency or as vast a history as this, but here we are. There are just so many things about the history of this website that both baffle and amaze me, for better or for worse, and I really have to sit back and appreciate it.

I don't think I ever expected Runouw.com to amount to this. It was basic at first, with mandatory off-topic forums, Super Mario 63 forums, and a little alcove for art. And coming in, the first generation was a group of snarky, suitably distant, disconnected players who weren't initially starting a community, at least in my eyes. Like a subreddit or other niche forums, there were many people who liked one thing, moreso than a group of people building a society, because really, it's the internet, and we don't know each other.

I think when I came into the site I didn't recognize that. I was 15? 14? ♥♥♥♥ I was young, I'm 20 now! But I was young, the same age if not a tad bit older as many of you are now. I was homeschooled, had aspergers, and untreated bipolar disorder. This was only the beginning of my breakaway from religion (indeed, my initial name was MessengerOfYahweh, honoring God's true Hebrew name in a very niche faith), my socialization with fellow humans, and my exposure to modern culture. I truly believe 2009 was the year where I started to truly become a human being of my own and not a child raised in a strict faith, and I truly attribute this website to my ability to not only grow up, but for giving me the sandbox to do so. I was not a smart kid, and I was not always a good person. I had the self-awareness of Kanye West and the social skills of Napoleon Dynamite, and it showed. I started off awful at levels, clingy and desperate to belong, too stuffy and unaccepting of others, and often too eager to try and be someone when I didn't even know who that someone was. I just didn't want to be no one, y'know, like I was in life.

And I honestly believe the most amazing thing that happened is that the people who were on the site in the 2009-mid 2010s actually believed in me. And I don't think I always deserved it. I was in the midst of one of the most painful growing periods of my life; in May of 2010 I'd attempted suicide (very poorly, I might add- I vaguely held a knife to my wrist during an argument and the ambulance was called on me) after which my Bipolar Disorder was finally acknowledged and many intensive family counseling sessions would help me come to terms with it. And just as I had with my family, I got too close to the people here, and I treated them at times the same way I lashed out at my family. During the Linkdroid debacle, looking back I was just as argumentative and just as much of a bully. My blowups caused the events which led to Chau leaving the site for nearly half-a-year, and I know it was my fault. In inflammatory events like handling Zed's failed anime, I lashed out inappropriately instead of trying to handle things constructively. While later incarnations were uncalled for and full of ♥♥♥♥, campaigns against me being a moderator, however callously handled, were in the right- I was not in the emotional state to be a moderator, and that's why I initially stepped down.

And I really just want to say thank you to everyone involved in that era for recognizing that I did have potential. Because at times I'm not sure I deserved the grace I got. But I made the friends that I did, and if you were my friend, even if and when we fought, I always had your back, and I always tried to be there for you. And I failed at times, but by making those support systems with people I still deeply admire, I was able to let go of my demons and accept that I was capable of things. Not the least of these were MICrophone and Venexis- Microphone for constantly talking to me and handling my behavior with support and firmness, and Venexis for indulging my collaborations and projects with enthusiasm. They were only the tip of the iceberg- Buff was fantastically levelheaded during these times, Ridder took my volatility in stride even as I gave them my worst at times, Blablob matched my fire while being a fierce friend, and that's just scratching the surface of what helped me during that time.

Come 2011, I think I was finally fit for the role I wanted to play. As a human, as a moderator, as a leader, and even as a visionary. 2011 was when I feel Runouw's social center, the heart that motivates it even today, was finally acknowledged. In part I credit that to the disaster that was the Silver_Hide_Studios controversy, and while our care in a fake being was wasted, the care we learned to invest in each other's well being was not lost. The lengths we went through to help one fictional person translated into trying to keep each other afloat, and a slow letting down of our guard became the acceptance of Runouw.com as a community. And if I had even the slightest bit to do with that, by accident or intentionally, I feel like I've succeeded as a moderator. It also helped that we got people like Venexis, Saxman, Aro, Avo, SuperMIC, Panik!, Amp, and countless others to join the ranks, all providing so much heart and passion for others. Couple that with some technical wizardry and artistic revolution stemming from the likes of Star king, Raiyunni, and many others that escape me due to the magnitude, and I feel like we get to the heart of what makes this site.

We are largely youth- excepting occasional outliers like the fantastic Doram, we are almost entirely within the 12-25 year age. We are an entire generation of humans, and I feel like we encompass a broad swath of the worldwide youth, different personalities and talents. And even in yet another age which takes its youth for granted, we have built a society here. Back to 2009, Brandobrawl's original Runouw Forums story inspired me to write, because I loved the appeal of creating a society out of all of us here. But as fantastic as those old stories were, WE ARE LIVING IT. We have defied the odds on the internet: us youth, incredibly talented in all that we set out to accomplish- let no one persuade you otherwise, least of all yourself- have created a society with our own moral codes, our own passions, our own competitions, and have openly let everyone express their marvelous talents and abilities in the arts, the craftsmanship, as civic leaders, as visionaries. I have unlocked my best potential with the support of you all. I never would have had the foresight to use SM63 as the setpieces my passion for creating film would stem from. Without brandobrawl, I never would have taken a 5th grade hobby of writing and made storytelling my passion. Without a supportive community, I wouldn't have had the self-confidence to take the final step in coming out of the closet both in sexuality and gender identity, knowing people would accept me even if they didn't quite understand, that they'd catch me when I fell.

I've been retired for longer than I worked now, and even as we enter 2015, people fear that the site has reached a flatline, and that we might fade out. But even now, from a distance, I am still watching generations of site and the marvelous youth in it grow as human beings, open themselves up to the world, and trust each other. Even as divides have been exposed, or conflict has risen, we've always ridden it out, and I firmly believe every person here has their own impact in the site, and it would be worse off without them. Even those who have yet to reveal themselves have their best years ahead of them. I truly believe Runouw.com can never die, and that's BECAUSE not only the template Runouw brought us, but the acceptance, family, passion, and talent of everyone in here.

Nothing with me will change after I post this. I'm not terminally ill, I'm not leaving, and nothing drastic will change. I'll still be retired, I'll still be making another level that will likely fail in being my best ever but still be great character building, I'll still be writing, I'll still be observing from the sidelines, and I'll still be crushing Frozenfire and that other guy in Wheel of Fortune. But I just felt a need to express how amazing this community has been to me and in allowing me to grow, faults and all. I owe it much of what I've become, and how I've developed as a human. Through it, raw data was carved into a human being, and that human being is someone I am happy to be. Thank you, and never stop being passionate for life, and for the community.

~MoD

Jesus Christ, I had no idea you had that much background with MoY. I honestly thought it was just some name you came up with.

...

Wow, now that I think about it, I have you to thank for helping me when I was in a similar boat, when I too was new here. Of course, I have lots of others to thank (too many to count even), but I'll never forget what you've done for me.

I DID know about your history, and I always love hearing you talk about it, because I am always amazed at how much work you have put into getting your head on straight and being the best person you can be, as well as how much success you have found at it. You are a true inspiration for the community, sir, and we appreciate you.

Wow. I've really enjoyed reading this, and I understand you better. All the conflicts between you and me in the past have been so painful for me because I always have so damn much respect for all your accomplishments and your knowledge, especially in LDing. Putting down each other when being at different opinions is bad, but trying to look into what the other party has to say is good. Maybe we still have to learn a bit, but we're definitely making progress.

It's really great to have you here. And this chapter is by no means at its end.

Thanks for writing this Moy.

You'll never hear me say it in a cheesy speech like you, I'm too stubborn to stay mediocre as always, but Runouw means a lot to me too. Maybe it hasn't changed me as much as it did to you, it's incredible when I see you spell it all out like this, but I wouldn't still be here otherwise.

It's a bit sad maybe, but I just take everyone on the forums for granted by now. I think a lot of us do. Something like an online community that you frequently visit becomes just another part of your daily routine, and you never stop to consider the people behind it.

So that's why I thank you. For considering us, Moy, and reminding us to do the same.

IN SHORT, KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON, MOYO.

That was incredibly awesome to read, to the point that I can't find the proper words for it (as you can tell by my use of "incredibly awesome").

I remember joining back in 2011 (cyoar, that's almost 4 years ago...). I had literally NO idea of what I was in for. I thought "hey, maybe I can socialise with people who share my interests" and yeah, I was kind of right. I say 'kind of' because what actually happened is that I got to be a part of a community, a place where I felt like I belonged, with a group of talented, brilliant, friendly and overall good people.
Unfortunately, I wasn't a great person back then - maybe I'm not one now, but I still feel like I've grown as a person. Yeah, there was SM63 to keep me busy, but if it wasn't for this community I wouldn't be sitting here, quietly, talking to you guys. Back then I didn't realise it, but I don't know what I'd do without this site. Yep, that's kinda sad to say - but it's true. I've argued with you guys, I've laughed with you guys, I've shared with you guys - no community gets better than that, and even if it's 'just' an Internet community it's still an important part of my life.

So I'm gonna use this as an opportunity to say a huuuuuge 'thank you' to all of you guys. Sorry for rambling on, but MoD has convinced me to get this all off my chest.

Karyete wrote:but MoD has convinced me to get this all off my chest.

Yeah, totally, I love hearing what y'all have to say about this community. It really is powerful at bringing the best out of us.

First of all. You're among the people who influenced me the most on my stay here and in the end, I'm pretty sure this place affected my life in a greater deal than I could have imagined. I myself reflected on everything that happened in the past. So I'll add my own personal rant to this as well.

I'm fairly certain that I've been a mere puppet in the past. Simply functioning. Not questioning anything in life. Staying silent about my doings and not quite understanding why or how other people around me feel. I knew I was missing something in the past. I tried to read a rather big amount of books back then. I can tell by now that knowledge doesn't fill these gaps. It never did and never will do so. I kept this wrong functioning thing I called my life up for several years. Back then I liked to play a bit of flash games on the web, once in a while. It also was NG which leaded me to this site, as SM63 really got my interest back then. A little later around summer 2010, I got to the point, I found out about this site. Sadly I was both too dumb and waaaay too scared to join this site. After all I'd meet people I've never seen before. It seemed even further away when I found out that you guys speak english. So I kept lurking. Days, then weeks, months and in the end even years. I lurked, sometimes tried to understand discussions, yet I couldn't. I never ever told someone about this site. I kept it secret.


Some time later, I slowly started to understand. And that's how I passively started to learn first things about social parts of life, which should be normal, but weren't to me. I always kept mimicking these things. But never found pleasure within that and in the end, always stayed odd to others.
Back in that time, a friend of mine made his own site. As I learned from this SM63 that LDing is among the most interesting creative processes I found out about, I decided to join his site for the sake of sharing the knowledge I gained with others. However. Nobody ever cared about it. That's it already. The site died immediately. It felt like a glimpse of a second. But it hurted. I thought I found something, just for the sake of being left alone again. At this time, I tried to do my first portal attempts of levels. I really put effort into them and was glad to get positive feedback from the very beginning. Meanwhile in RL, I faced troubles like my family breaking apart, my mother getting hurt while I couldn't do anything about it, lawyers wandering in and out, visiting my little brother all day in hospital which was about 150km away. And while everything around me went downhill, school had fun with bullying and generally making my life a greater pain than it would have needed to be. I owe a frien of mine much, for defending me back in my most difficult times, even if I never trully showed gratitude.


Back at the time between my old account I forgot my password for and the one you know as BY, lies a time of me living as an escapist in a house surrounded by high walls. It felt like a prison, even if the iron bars were added to stop general suicidal attempts which have been pretty common there, actually. My family was finally broken apart, I told the judge about my wish to leave my father and years of blind hate followed by that. After all he was the person I blame for escaping from my own home, leaving everything I loved back where I used to life. After finally leaving this place we got into a house which was guessed to be around 160 years old. It was where true hell began. The heating didn't work properly, we rarely had warm water, several poisonous stuff grew within, while insects of the worst kind conquered the house by hundreds every summer day. Even in summer, it's never been trully warm, as the walls were to thick. And in winter, there were days I woke up with 2°C in my room. To make everything worse a new idiot found the way into our home. After abusive actions, hurting and threatening for a longer time, this was the place where I myself started a suicidal attempt. It was a failure. I sat there watching the knife for hours, until I sunk silently crying into the sleep, freeing me from all pain I went through.

At this time, you guys rescued me. Most of you without ever knowing it. But you did. Every single one of you who cared about me. There wouldn't be a BY without you guys. And I really appreciate that. My work, while it's always been bad, back then got by far the most overrated criticism I've seen on this site yet.
At these times I felt really really happy and I started loving art again. I started to love living again. At this time, I learned that a life is nothing anyone should ever throw away. As there's the right place for everyone. A while later, I learned about MoD. Someone who were as passionate about something as nobody else. I took great inspiration from you. And still do so. As I said above. You were one of the people who influenced me the most, and most likely also the first one together with amp. (Still keeping my first PM from you. I could never repay the debt of saving me back then.)

A little later I learned about Volcove. The first person I trully looked up to. I never understood why other people would do that. Until I did find myself someone too awesome to possibly exist. Even while you don't seem to be around anymore. You are my heeeerooo. D :

Star king, SomeOne, SMIC, amp as well as pat, bogdan and Nwolf taught me what friendship is like. (Others too. But you came first to my mind.) I really appreciate this. Later when Doram, amp, pat and I happened to secretly talk for months, I learned to care about others.

I learned why it's important to save every single life in the world. No matter who it is. Everyone deserves to exist. I also learned about love in it's various ways. If not Doram's last words, taught me how to love. And not only the romantic way. But all the aspects I'm aware about now.
(By the way. Doram? Do you still have that awesome beard, you had back then?)

Over the time I got a rather undeserved mod position which was despite my liars the first one in my life. (I always dreamt about it. But I never was. I was this pathetic by the way.) I also learned to love you guys like a second big family. Like friends I never trully had back in my school times. Except for two awesome people, I might be around with until the end of my life. (Not that someone would care. : 3)

The time passed and I kept getting better in LDing. I found my true passion in life. Something I could never have found without this site. Without you guys.
RL went better as well, as we're living in a nice village now. Even if the people live behind the moon most of the time. They're awesome to be around with.

Now that I'm looking back I can also see what I achieved. I became a member of the site I never dreamt to be a part of. I found people I can talk to without fearing anything. I had a duel with Volcove, I can talk, discuss, laugh and cry with you guys in chat on a daily base, I love the PM talk I'm having with pat, even if he doesn't seem to see how much I appreciate it sometimes (You are great. And you know it.), I even became a mod of this site, I won a LDC with the tiniest winning entry, I rushed because my first level would have been disqualified. I was a part of the amazing 20th LDC. I got to a decent position within MoD's tier. (You know. The guy who showed me what true passion is like.). Now I'm even talking to Runouw, the guy who appeared like someone I could never talk to, yet he/they're amazing personalities themself. And while I'm rather useless currently. It's a pleasure to work with you guys.


In the end this is a story how a silent little puppet with no personality nor future became to a BY aware of his surroundings, aware of himself with personality and future. Thanks for reading this confuzzling rant to the end. I'm often missing the right words, and it's even more difficult to understand me at these times. But I really poured my heart into this.

I'm just a guy who hangs around sometimes and likes games. MoD's always been a kind of... wise old man with mysterious knowledge. He probably can teach us how to use the Force.

I make a post that barely makes sense because I can't think of another way to say "congrats MoD you're cool".

Now that I see these comments and this topic, I can finally see the amount of value this site has. Those amazing stores just reminds me this site is not a site full of ghosts with fake names, but a site full of people. People who have emotions. People who had a impactant past and a brilliant future. This site is more than a site; is an archive of memories, of happenings, of talent, and even more than that.

That's the proof that you should live, and take the memories not as a way of life, but as a reminder of our marks and our legacy, that we will keep with us forever. Even if life is depressive, unmotivating, or even not worthy anymore, you still have to carry on. You'll always have friends, even if they are in another place of the world.

I like to thank not only MoD, but everyone who is part of this site. Because, even if this is a small community, it is made of pure gold.