Anxiety

[Bogdan]

Don't know about you folks, but recently I'm loosing control pretty bad. Now, while I don't want to bother you with life stories, disappointments and failures, I'll get straight to the subject: for some time, I've been suffering from panic, insomnia, irrational fears and everything just gets on my nerves lately, so while I can have other disorders, I think the major pain source in my case is anxiety.

Let me explain. I usually start doing something quite hard, but when I start to do it, I do it the best I can. I mostly finish my work and am proud of the result. Then, just after I consider the final is good, I begin to notice "imperfections", this I could do better, this is ♥♥♥♥, this and this and this and in the end I'm all like "I ♥♥♥♥ up" and scrap everything I did. Everytime. While I'm an adept of "there is always room for improvement", this cicle doesn't end. I just keep doing things I, personally consider better than older versions, yet still consider them ♥♥♥♥. And I'm talking about all sorts of things here, drawings, stories, projects, programming, everything.

Explaining further, going to bed is torture. There are days when I am like "I feel like tired as ♥♥♥♥" and proceed to go to bed. Do I get asleep quickly? Hell no. When I get it bed, no matter how tired or physically destroyed I am, I stay awake on average at least 2 hours (yes, out of boredom I begun to monitor my sleep) just thinking how I ♥♥♥♥ up today, how I could improve things and I didn't and a flood of ideas of what to do and improve tomorrow, all of this won't be done and become fuel for the next night thinking. Best part? Flashbacks. Every now and then I get flashbacks from all the stupid ♥♥♥♥ I did, or consider I did in the past. Smallest distant memory, all those hit me at once. I forget a lot of things, but this ones are just impossible for me.

One last point I'm going to say is that everything and everyone makes me both nervous and angry. At the same time. Whenether I need to have a speech or present something or what the hell even someone asking me the smallest question, I take a pause to choose my words, give the answer, and then of course, analyse how I handled the situation and blame myself for "♥♥♥♥ up again" and also grow a hate for them and get angry because they hit me with the "questions".

In the end, all this mumbo jumbo with believe in yourself and stay calm, doesn't work. I cannot get used to it even if I want. So for the sake of finding a way out of this, for those of you struggling or have struggled with this situation, how did/do you handle it?

[Oranjui]

Sorry for not actually commenting on the topic but I just want to say that when people tell you things like

believe in yourself and stay calm

it's generally the result of people not actually understanding the circumstances at all and just brushing it off as something you're imposing upon yourself, which is wrong in so many ways. It's akin to telling someone with depression to "just cheer up and be more positive". It's ♥♥♥♥, it's ignorant, it's never going to work.
I'd say more, but I'm not really feeling great myself right now either. Sorry for what you're going through. At least to some extent, I do know what it's like dealing with things like this on a day to day basis..

[Konradix]

I can relate to this so freaking much. I am going through this constantly, from the flashbacks, through analysing my entire life, to putting myself down on every little mistake. And while I cannot tell you how I deal with it fully, I can definitely say that what really helps me fall asleep 'quicker' (aside from adjusting my iPod for 2 hours because the internet is ♥♥♥♥) is listening to a video. Not music, I usually listen to Let's plays or maybe streams. I usually put them on quietly so they're not too loud, but loud enough for me to make out the words. You can try that maybe with a movie or a TV series. Really helps put my mind off my days.

[Harmless]

Sounds almost exactly like what I tend to go through. Whether or not it's personality or a result of past events, I probably don't know. I too criticize myself far more than I should. But remember that a lot of what you seem to be stuck on is in the past. It's already happened, the least you can do is think far more ahead than you currently are. How will the future turn out? Heck, how will the present turn out given the circumstances and your own personal capabilities? I dunno, that's just what I try to do to avoid dwelling too long on the past.

I remember once I tried damaging my head so hard that I would give myself amnesia. Didn't quite work.

... Or maybe you just need someone to give you a hug.

[Kimonio]

No one is perfect, and nothing is flawless. The only way to relieve ourselves of fear of fault is to become accepting that we are faulty. We will make a mistake, and we have to decide whether to let it affect us or to use that mistake to grow, maybe even use it in projects. Look at Bob Ross. Amazing painter, but if he slips up with the brush, he fixes it by using that ♥♥♥♥ up and making it into something that appeals to the eye.

You ♥♥♥♥ up in public? Laugh it off. Mess up some code? Find a way to use that in the program or just repair it and move on. No use crying over spilled milk, and there's no use beating a horse when there's nothing but a skeleton.

But don't beat yourself into the ground. You will ♥♥♥♥ up, you are not Jesus.

[~MP3 Amplifier~]

This post by ~MP3 Amplifier~ was thumbed up by:

Bogdan (June 9th, 2015, 10:36 am)

[Konradix]

Meaning you might think, "what the hell I ♥♥♥♥ up", but followed by "well, you didn't, you answered their question".
"They asked me first, I hate them for this", "they were just interested, they didn't intend to harm you".
I sort of have conversations like this with myself.

This sort of thing is what I do all the time, yet it makes me feel like I'm mad, because rather than it being

"They asked me first, I hate them for this", "they were just interested, they didn't intend to harm you"

it will be more like

"They asked me first, I hate them for this", "you shouldn't judge them based on the stupid ♥♥♥♥ that goes in your head ♥♥♥♥"

[Bogdan]

I remember once I tried damaging my head so hard that I would give myself amnesia. Didn't quite work.

I relatively relate to this, except that trying to get myself amnesia wasn't something I considered, I've been trying hard to get certain memories forgotten or at least muted and I picked, well bad habids, except the things really went downhill from a period.

But I know one thing- that internalising all of this is not good. You spoke up about it here which is already a great step. It's like the question thing, you start to overthink what you said and feel like you '♥♥♥♥ up' and then you start to hate whoever was involved. But maybe if you separate your mind a bit, and try to keep grip on a rational, unbiased side of your mind, that might really help to stop these things being blown way out of proportion.

Meaning you might think, "what the hell I ♥♥♥♥ up", but followed by "well, you didn't, you answered their question".
"They asked me first, I hate them for this", "they were just interested, they didn't intend to harm you".
I sort of have conversations like this with myself. :P

I know internalising is not good, but I have an irrational fear that speaking with someone I know can "♥♥♥♥ up" things even worse, or even give them a weapon to put me down. I try myself to calm down and keep thinking "hey maybe they forgot about how I ♥♥♥♥ up, maybe they didn't care, maybe they didn't notice" and a bunch of other maybies, except all those things are like kept in a gallery inside my brain, I feel like I'm cured to remember them all, every single day.
About the hate part, it's a bit way more complicated than that, if people look/stare in my direction or I hear them laughing I automatically assume they stare at me or laugh at me and that just triggers both anger and anxiety in my mind. I tend to get myself out of the picture, yet tag them as "hostiles".

No one is perfect, and nothing is flawless. The only way to relieve ourselves of fear of fault is to become accepting that we are faulty. We will make a mistake, and we have to decide whether to let it affect us or to use that mistake to grow, maybe even use it in projects. Look at Bob Ross. Amazing painter, but if he slips up with the brush, he fixes it by using that ♥♥♥♥ up and making it into something that appeals to the eye.

You ♥♥♥♥ up in public? Laugh it off. Mess up some code? Find a way to use that in the program or just repair it and move on. No use crying over spilled milk, and there's no use beating a horse when there's nothing but a skeleton.

But don't beat yourself into the ground. You will ♥♥♥♥ up, you are not Jesus.

Well as I said, from what I consider, everytime I do something, it keeps getting better and better, it just doesn't hit the necessary point to satisfy me and I oftenly surrender or if I decide to go ahead and "finish it" (be it a drawing, story or programming project) in the end, I feel embarassed about the final result and go like "Gosh, how could I just go ahead with this, I needed to fix this and this and that and oh boy so many mistakes and messes and accidents, no ♥♥♥♥ good."

♥♥♥♥ up in public? Yes on the moment I laugh it off so people would think everything is fine and would move on, except I don't. In my "silence" moments I do a recap about what I did, what I could do to avoid it and what am I going to do from now on.

it will be more like

"They asked me first, I hate them for this", "you shouldn't judge them based on the stupid ♥♥♥♥ that goes in your head ♥♥♥♥"

Pretty much.

[ChaosYoshi]

I can relate to this so freaking much. I am going through this constantly, from the flashbacks, through analysing my entire life, to putting myself down on every little mistake.

This. I don't take nearly as long to fall asleep most of the time, though it does become a problem every now and then.

What my mom suggested to improve self-confidence is to not beat yourself up, like thinking negative thoughts about yourself, like when you analyze how you dealt with a situation. That's why thinking,

"They asked me first, I hate them for this", "they were just interested, they didn't intend to harm you"

is better than,

"They asked me first, I hate them for this", "you shouldn't judge them based on the stupid ♥♥♥♥ that goes in your head ♥♥♥♥"

Practicing that will help you become a bit happier in life, though I will say that it takes a lot of effort as I still think negatively.

Another thing I'll suggest to help cope with anxiety is exercise. It doesn't need to be anything big, like maybe just a walk around the block. I need to do it much more often myself, but when I do it helps me relax.