- This post by MessengerOfDreams was thumbed up by: 2
- MICrophone (August 15th, 2015, 12:02 pm) • PurpleYoshi (August 26th, 2015, 1:43 am)
Sun Hats, Five Dollar Names, Bargain Scarves, Galaxy Watches
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This is Serious Discussion. If you want to tell us how your day was or just get some things off your chest, you will find ample opportunity to find a corner to discuss all the good things we see, or reach out to anyone who needs help. Just remember to pay attention to the Principles of Serious Discussion, and link to the source if posting news.
Sun Hats, Five Dollar Names, Bargain Scarves, Galaxy Watches
Thumbs up x2 
by MessengerOfDreams » July 8th, 2015, 9:58 am
Well, I may as well say this somewhere. I figure it'll be both an eye-opening blog and an intense catharsis for me.
I'll start off by mentioning that I have identified as a gender minority before, having both in one body, but one thing you will swiftly learn about me is that I am good at taking the safe answer when I am not sure, because the last thing I want to do is make any takebacks. But now, after six months or so of token identification, I am actually taking this to the new level, but I'm not sure what level this is.
On July 4th, I wandered through the vendor booths of our Independence Day celebration. I had just received my financial aid money with an impressive surplus which meant for the first time in years I could spend money on myself. Knowing that "buying myself new clothes" was a luxury I pushed off until I got more money, I decided to actually start. I found a beautiful and absolutely feminine sun hat, tried it on, got a good look at myself, swallowed my fear, and bought it. It is fabulous and is the closest I've actually gotten to dressing like a woman.
After that, I found a vendor that made custom bracelets, cheap ones, with burnt in names onto it. I thought long and hard and decided to swallow my pride and make an insurance policy. I went to him and asked him to make me a blue bracelet for "Cadence".
"Cah-dence", he asked, pronouncing it wrong. "Is this for a friend?"
I didn't look at him. "Something like that."
I took the bracelet, paid the five dollars for it, and put it in my bag, hidden from everyone. No one in my family knows I have this... well, unless AniLo decides to read posts here again, in which case... hey.
I wore the sun hat and fell in love with the idea. As the fireworks went off for a few seconds I was committed, basking in Explosions in the Sky and a holiday I took not as a celebration of pride in convenience of birth, but a New Year celebration- third year in college, two weeks until my birthday, and as today showed, a new beginning. I nearly did commit. I nearly went straight home and prepared to make an announcement. A rumbling went through my heart that this was more than I bargained for, and it has for a few weeks now. At first it seemed like a permanent solution, but I've been bad at commitment, and the next day, I again went back to playing it safe.
To a point, at least. The next day I shaved my mountain hipster beard, got a haircut to something a little butch but still with potential, and went to the mall. I bought myself several things (including 3 DS games, one of which is the Majestic Mario Kart DS, which I think is the best one up to the Wii, which is all I've played), but one of these was a beautiful galaxy stopwatch, which I added to my outfit.
Monday, back to school. Poetry class. It was my first real day. I washed up with coconut body wash and apple shampoo, because I prefer fruity smells to whatever chemicals make up men's body wash. I donned my Sun Hat, I put on my necklace, I wore my pink charity shirt, and I went to face the world.
One thing I found out quite early is that feeling a little more confident in myself internally did not outweigh the fact that I still couldn't stand my body and how it looked. This is something I still struggle with. I've put some weight on me- living in a hotel induces a lot of stress-eating, and we live near 7-11 and A&W burger, 'nuff said. Without my beard, I'm faced with the fact that my head is shaped like a block with an extra chin, and no matter how I adjust the sun hat or tousle my hair to sneak out of the edge of the hat, I still look like a big burly man playing dressup.
However...
What does this mean for me? Again, indecision. Am I dissatisfied with my body in a general sense- my unstoppable body hair, my doughy weight gain, my uneven limb mass, my rectangular head- or am I dissatisfied because it just in general feels like a cage that doesn't suit me, isn't me, makes me feel like a fraud that will never quite be complete until I break free?
For the first time, I faced the fact that I might be transgender.
This is something I've only mentioned to my mother in passing, a potential possibility. I entertained the idea on the fourth, when the ideal drowned out the reality. The indecision is killing me. On Monday, I felt natural at times and like a fraud at others, but it helped me that a new friend of mine, one of the five sweetest and most beautiful people I've ever met, acted like everything was normal, and my first poem is something that already exposed my interesting gender dynamics (although said godsend of a companion was absent that day). However, still the most normal I felt that day was when I didn't think of it at all, and casually wore my sun hat and necklace to a computer lab and worked on several projects.
The confidence manifested further when I found a lovely scarf in the bargain bin at the student store. It matched my galaxy watch perfectly and basically transformed me like the Mask to Jim Carrey. For the first time, I pulled the bracelet out of my backpack and placed it on my wrist over my tattoo, a new identity.
For the first time, I introduced myself as Cadence. Cade for short, because Cady is the last name of the killer from Cape Fear and sounds like Katie, the name of someone I abhor. I had everything seemingly going right for me. I felt like the woman I thought I was... for a little while. When my teacher asked if I wanted to go by that name, I again told her that I would... for now. That I'd let her know if anything changes.
Since then I've been nauseous every time I think about it. Am I afraid of commitment? I know I've let far too many friendships go and far too many relationships burn because I was awful at expressing myself. Awful at going the extra mile when it challenged me. Especially now, in a six-month-long living transition where nothing felt real or permanent. If I go through with this... this secret new name, these new clothes that barely cover up a mediocre shell... there's no going back. Sometimes I really want it. Sometimes I want to be a new woman. Surgery, new body, new identity, all of that. At others, I want to maintain the status quo. Keep being Cameron. Keep being physically male with feminine tendencies. After all, I haven't even thought out the risks. The loss of friends, the loss of respect, the heightened physical and criminal risk. The fear of going too far only to realize I'm not happy and being forced to turn back in shame. Giving up the name of my grandfather only to hang my head and take it back.
So that, my dear friends, is the locus of this blog. What are my decisions? What are my choices? How will day-to-day environments change who I am? Can I change who I am? Should I? Follow along, and you can experience the ride I'm on.
Today, I attend the birthday party of a friend who I've lost contact with for a year and a half, maybe two, I don't count. Maybe three. It feels that long. I'm deciding whether to go with my sun hat, my bargain scarf, and my galaxy watch. I will probably leave my five dollar name at home because people have known me too long to handle potential changes-then-change-backs. I still don't know whether or not it's worth it.
Maybe the time for fear is gone, maybe the time for caution is needed. Who's to say.
~Cameron/Cadence
I'll start off by mentioning that I have identified as a gender minority before, having both in one body, but one thing you will swiftly learn about me is that I am good at taking the safe answer when I am not sure, because the last thing I want to do is make any takebacks. But now, after six months or so of token identification, I am actually taking this to the new level, but I'm not sure what level this is.
On July 4th, I wandered through the vendor booths of our Independence Day celebration. I had just received my financial aid money with an impressive surplus which meant for the first time in years I could spend money on myself. Knowing that "buying myself new clothes" was a luxury I pushed off until I got more money, I decided to actually start. I found a beautiful and absolutely feminine sun hat, tried it on, got a good look at myself, swallowed my fear, and bought it. It is fabulous and is the closest I've actually gotten to dressing like a woman.
After that, I found a vendor that made custom bracelets, cheap ones, with burnt in names onto it. I thought long and hard and decided to swallow my pride and make an insurance policy. I went to him and asked him to make me a blue bracelet for "Cadence".
"Cah-dence", he asked, pronouncing it wrong. "Is this for a friend?"
I didn't look at him. "Something like that."
I took the bracelet, paid the five dollars for it, and put it in my bag, hidden from everyone. No one in my family knows I have this... well, unless AniLo decides to read posts here again, in which case... hey.
I wore the sun hat and fell in love with the idea. As the fireworks went off for a few seconds I was committed, basking in Explosions in the Sky and a holiday I took not as a celebration of pride in convenience of birth, but a New Year celebration- third year in college, two weeks until my birthday, and as today showed, a new beginning. I nearly did commit. I nearly went straight home and prepared to make an announcement. A rumbling went through my heart that this was more than I bargained for, and it has for a few weeks now. At first it seemed like a permanent solution, but I've been bad at commitment, and the next day, I again went back to playing it safe.
To a point, at least. The next day I shaved my mountain hipster beard, got a haircut to something a little butch but still with potential, and went to the mall. I bought myself several things (including 3 DS games, one of which is the Majestic Mario Kart DS, which I think is the best one up to the Wii, which is all I've played), but one of these was a beautiful galaxy stopwatch, which I added to my outfit.
Monday, back to school. Poetry class. It was my first real day. I washed up with coconut body wash and apple shampoo, because I prefer fruity smells to whatever chemicals make up men's body wash. I donned my Sun Hat, I put on my necklace, I wore my pink charity shirt, and I went to face the world.
One thing I found out quite early is that feeling a little more confident in myself internally did not outweigh the fact that I still couldn't stand my body and how it looked. This is something I still struggle with. I've put some weight on me- living in a hotel induces a lot of stress-eating, and we live near 7-11 and A&W burger, 'nuff said. Without my beard, I'm faced with the fact that my head is shaped like a block with an extra chin, and no matter how I adjust the sun hat or tousle my hair to sneak out of the edge of the hat, I still look like a big burly man playing dressup.
However...
What does this mean for me? Again, indecision. Am I dissatisfied with my body in a general sense- my unstoppable body hair, my doughy weight gain, my uneven limb mass, my rectangular head- or am I dissatisfied because it just in general feels like a cage that doesn't suit me, isn't me, makes me feel like a fraud that will never quite be complete until I break free?
For the first time, I faced the fact that I might be transgender.
This is something I've only mentioned to my mother in passing, a potential possibility. I entertained the idea on the fourth, when the ideal drowned out the reality. The indecision is killing me. On Monday, I felt natural at times and like a fraud at others, but it helped me that a new friend of mine, one of the five sweetest and most beautiful people I've ever met, acted like everything was normal, and my first poem is something that already exposed my interesting gender dynamics (although said godsend of a companion was absent that day). However, still the most normal I felt that day was when I didn't think of it at all, and casually wore my sun hat and necklace to a computer lab and worked on several projects.
The confidence manifested further when I found a lovely scarf in the bargain bin at the student store. It matched my galaxy watch perfectly and basically transformed me like the Mask to Jim Carrey. For the first time, I pulled the bracelet out of my backpack and placed it on my wrist over my tattoo, a new identity.
For the first time, I introduced myself as Cadence. Cade for short, because Cady is the last name of the killer from Cape Fear and sounds like Katie, the name of someone I abhor. I had everything seemingly going right for me. I felt like the woman I thought I was... for a little while. When my teacher asked if I wanted to go by that name, I again told her that I would... for now. That I'd let her know if anything changes.
Since then I've been nauseous every time I think about it. Am I afraid of commitment? I know I've let far too many friendships go and far too many relationships burn because I was awful at expressing myself. Awful at going the extra mile when it challenged me. Especially now, in a six-month-long living transition where nothing felt real or permanent. If I go through with this... this secret new name, these new clothes that barely cover up a mediocre shell... there's no going back. Sometimes I really want it. Sometimes I want to be a new woman. Surgery, new body, new identity, all of that. At others, I want to maintain the status quo. Keep being Cameron. Keep being physically male with feminine tendencies. After all, I haven't even thought out the risks. The loss of friends, the loss of respect, the heightened physical and criminal risk. The fear of going too far only to realize I'm not happy and being forced to turn back in shame. Giving up the name of my grandfather only to hang my head and take it back.
So that, my dear friends, is the locus of this blog. What are my decisions? What are my choices? How will day-to-day environments change who I am? Can I change who I am? Should I? Follow along, and you can experience the ride I'm on.
Today, I attend the birthday party of a friend who I've lost contact with for a year and a half, maybe two, I don't count. Maybe three. It feels that long. I'm deciding whether to go with my sun hat, my bargain scarf, and my galaxy watch. I will probably leave my five dollar name at home because people have known me too long to handle potential changes-then-change-backs. I still don't know whether or not it's worth it.
Maybe the time for fear is gone, maybe the time for caution is needed. Who's to say.
~Cameron/Cadence
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Re: Sun Hats, Five Dollar Names, Bargain Scarves, Galaxy Wat
by Harmless » July 9th, 2015, 4:22 pm
If you feel you would be much better off as a girl, go for it. Hell, I wish I was born a girl to some extent. :s
~ Tesla Bromonovich
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Re: Sun Hats, Five Dollar Names, Bargain Scarves, Galaxy Wat
by Supershroom » July 10th, 2015, 8:14 am
Any decision for you related to these very difficult matters is better reversed to be talked about with the people that have the most importance for you in your life, those who you can trust in in any situation.
Good luck, and remember, the most important thing for you on Runouw.com is to keep your good (and dark) sides as a personality.
Good luck, and remember, the most important thing for you on Runouw.com is to keep your good (and dark) sides as a personality.
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Re: Sun Hats, Five Dollar Names, Bargain Scarves, Galaxy Wat
by Kimonio » July 15th, 2015, 9:04 pm
Nothing wrong with being transgender. I mean, I question my identity a lot anyway. I like to bridge the two, because I'm uncertain/indifferent to being one specific person.
And even if you do feel you are a beautiful woman in a male body, what makes it a bad thing? If people don't agree, that's their fault for trying to make everyone fit their agenda. It's your life, your spirit, your body, and only you have the say.
But I've stood behind your life's decisions for this long, and I'll continue to be a small smidgen of support, even if I'm silent about it.
And even if you do feel you are a beautiful woman in a male body, what makes it a bad thing? If people don't agree, that's their fault for trying to make everyone fit their agenda. It's your life, your spirit, your body, and only you have the say.
But I've stood behind your life's decisions for this long, and I'll continue to be a small smidgen of support, even if I'm silent about it.
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Re: Sun Hats, Five Dollar Names, Bargain Scarves, Galaxy Wat
by 1018peter » July 16th, 2015, 4:58 am
Like megar Harmless just said,if you feel better matching your physical appearance into your mental self,go for it.
(Sorry I messed up)
(Sorry I messed up)
Last edited by 1018peter on July 16th, 2015, 5:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Sun Hats, Five Dollar Names, Bargain Scarves, Galaxy Wat
Thumbs up x1
by Harmless » July 16th, 2015, 2:55 pm
Sorry, am I missing something? I don't see Megar in this topic...
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Re: Sun Hats, Five Dollar Names, Bargain Scarves, Galaxy Wat
by PurpleYoshi » August 26th, 2015, 1:45 am
Supershroom wrote:Any decision for you related to these very difficult matters is better reversed to be talked about with the people that have the most importance for you in your life, those who you can trust in in any situation.
Good luck, and remember, the most important thing for you on Runouw.com is to keep your good (and dark) sides as a personality.
Almost exactly what I was gonna post. Take shroom's advice.
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