- This post by Harmless was thumbed up by: 9
- ChaosYoshi (September 11th, 2015, 9:49 am) • Doram (September 11th, 2015, 6:47 am) • Kimonio (September 12th, 2015, 9:44 am) • Magnen (September 11th, 2015, 7:55 am) • MessengerOfDreams (September 11th, 2015, 7:01 am) and 4 more users
I've finally done it.
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This is Serious Discussion. If you want to tell us how your day was or just get some things off your chest, you will find ample opportunity to find a corner to discuss all the good things we see, or reach out to anyone who needs help. Just remember to pay attention to the Principles of Serious Discussion, and link to the source if posting news.
I've finally done it.
Thumbs up x9 
by Harmless » September 10th, 2015, 10:13 pm
I found the solution.
A month or two ago I tried an experiment. I tried believing in myself more, raising my confidence level a little higher than normal, to see if it would stop me from moping around a lot. And the result ended up being was me being unsatisfied with myself and thinking I was total trash. Which, to be honest, I kinda was the past few weeks. I wasn't doing nearly as well as I did before in the subjects I loved... actually, I wasn't doing well in anything. To make matters worse, I caused a little bit of drama in a few places, but that I'll hold off mentioning. I started mulling over the following questions:
- Why do people care about me? Why do people say I'm worth something? How did I even get friends in the first place?
- Why do I suck? Why am I not even passing the lowest standards? Why do I have to be so dumb? Why have I gotten worse at everything over the past month? Why is everyone so much better than me?
- Why can't I do anything about it?
Naturally, I thought I was hopeless. I wanted to curl up in a ball and rot. I wasn't worth anyone's time and was a waste of resources. Nothing mattered to me. I was a complete wreck. I gave up.
Then I looked at my cello. I haven't touched it in several days, and before then I only touched it like once or twice a week. I looked at Super Smash Bros Melee: The same thing. I only touched it like once or twice a week. I looked at composing: Damn I took a long break from composition. I looked at the chessboard: Wow, you haven't played that in a while.
I looked at... everything really: And the result was the same. I found that I wasn't even trying. And somehow I thought I was working consistently, when in reality I was denying that I wasn't working enough. Me thinking that I'm doing the right thing or that I'm capable of more than I think is not enough. I need to be consistent, or else all of my beliefs mean nothing. If I'm not diligent, well of course I'm going to fail.
And only recently have I found the answers to the questions above.
So why do people care about me? Is this really such an important question? Each individual is unique, with their own brain, their own ears, eyes, hands, thought processes, traits, opinions, the list is infinite. But what they are not in control over is more than one brain. I can't decide what others do or believe in. Others can't decide what I do or believe in. All I can do is ask others why they care about me, and they'll say why. And there's nothing I can do but accept it, and make the most out of it.
Why do people say I'm worth something? Because if they never thought I was worth their time they would never care about me. But when the people responded, it's because they cared. If they never cared, they would never respond. I guess this means that deep down inside me I cared when I started that drama. Whenever people would leave criticism or thumbs down a video, they care. They want the producer to do better. Unless if they're just trolling, then by default they don't care, and they don't matter.
People gave a damn to tell me where I went right and wrong. They told me what they liked, what they don't like. They thumbed up what videos and music they liked and, likewise, thumbed down when they didn't like it. Maybe I'm getting my hopes up too much here, but the best I can do is learn. Learn so I can please more people, and ultimately myself, next time.
So how does this make me worth something? It's because somehow, people cared. And if I wasn't worth it the people would not care.
How did I even get friends in the first place? Well, this could be answered similarly as to why people care about me. Because they chose to be friends with me. And it's my decision to be friends with them as well. In every exchange there's a giver and a receiver, after all.
Why do I suck? Because, as said earlier, I wasn't being consistent.
Why am I not even passing the lowest standards? Well, if I'm being completely honest, nothing's going to stop me from having high self standards. But if I'm consistent, I can meet those standards. I know for a fact I've done it before. I just need to do it again, and it all starts with being consistent.
Why do I have to be so dumb? Eh. Well, there's not much I can do about that, except learn. And if I learn but still make the mistake, then I wasn't paying attention when I was learning.
Why have I gotten worse at everything over the past month? Well, what do you think?
Why is everyone so much better than me? Because they were consistent, you weren't. I'm surprised my favorite quote didn't even come to mind when I was thinking about this:
"When you are not practicing, remember, someone somewhere is practicing, and when you meet him he will win." -Ed Macauley
Why can't I do anything about it?
...
The more I think about it, the more I realize that question is not even relevant in the slightest. All I gotta do is start, then I can do something about it. Being consistent is ultimately what matters. The instant I'm not trying is the instant I'm going to lose. And if I do end up stop being consistent, all I have to do is remind myself to get back on track.
Ultimately, I'm writing this for my own sanity. But I'm also writing this as an apology to all the people I told to go away and not care about me. It's about time that I stop getting depressed over such silly matters. I promise to be consistent from now on, whether it's uploading Youtube videos, doing music composition, practicing smash, practicing cello, etc. Ultimately the promise is the most dedicated towards myself, but it's also for everyone. Because I do this not just for myself, but for everyone.
~ Marc "Harmless" Picard
A month or two ago I tried an experiment. I tried believing in myself more, raising my confidence level a little higher than normal, to see if it would stop me from moping around a lot. And the result ended up being was me being unsatisfied with myself and thinking I was total trash. Which, to be honest, I kinda was the past few weeks. I wasn't doing nearly as well as I did before in the subjects I loved... actually, I wasn't doing well in anything. To make matters worse, I caused a little bit of drama in a few places, but that I'll hold off mentioning. I started mulling over the following questions:
- Why do people care about me? Why do people say I'm worth something? How did I even get friends in the first place?
- Why do I suck? Why am I not even passing the lowest standards? Why do I have to be so dumb? Why have I gotten worse at everything over the past month? Why is everyone so much better than me?
- Why can't I do anything about it?
Naturally, I thought I was hopeless. I wanted to curl up in a ball and rot. I wasn't worth anyone's time and was a waste of resources. Nothing mattered to me. I was a complete wreck. I gave up.
Then I looked at my cello. I haven't touched it in several days, and before then I only touched it like once or twice a week. I looked at Super Smash Bros Melee: The same thing. I only touched it like once or twice a week. I looked at composing: Damn I took a long break from composition. I looked at the chessboard: Wow, you haven't played that in a while.
I looked at... everything really: And the result was the same. I found that I wasn't even trying. And somehow I thought I was working consistently, when in reality I was denying that I wasn't working enough. Me thinking that I'm doing the right thing or that I'm capable of more than I think is not enough. I need to be consistent, or else all of my beliefs mean nothing. If I'm not diligent, well of course I'm going to fail.
And only recently have I found the answers to the questions above.
So why do people care about me? Is this really such an important question? Each individual is unique, with their own brain, their own ears, eyes, hands, thought processes, traits, opinions, the list is infinite. But what they are not in control over is more than one brain. I can't decide what others do or believe in. Others can't decide what I do or believe in. All I can do is ask others why they care about me, and they'll say why. And there's nothing I can do but accept it, and make the most out of it.
Why do people say I'm worth something? Because if they never thought I was worth their time they would never care about me. But when the people responded, it's because they cared. If they never cared, they would never respond. I guess this means that deep down inside me I cared when I started that drama. Whenever people would leave criticism or thumbs down a video, they care. They want the producer to do better. Unless if they're just trolling, then by default they don't care, and they don't matter.
People gave a damn to tell me where I went right and wrong. They told me what they liked, what they don't like. They thumbed up what videos and music they liked and, likewise, thumbed down when they didn't like it. Maybe I'm getting my hopes up too much here, but the best I can do is learn. Learn so I can please more people, and ultimately myself, next time.
So how does this make me worth something? It's because somehow, people cared. And if I wasn't worth it the people would not care.
How did I even get friends in the first place? Well, this could be answered similarly as to why people care about me. Because they chose to be friends with me. And it's my decision to be friends with them as well. In every exchange there's a giver and a receiver, after all.
Why do I suck? Because, as said earlier, I wasn't being consistent.
Why am I not even passing the lowest standards? Well, if I'm being completely honest, nothing's going to stop me from having high self standards. But if I'm consistent, I can meet those standards. I know for a fact I've done it before. I just need to do it again, and it all starts with being consistent.
Why do I have to be so dumb? Eh. Well, there's not much I can do about that, except learn. And if I learn but still make the mistake, then I wasn't paying attention when I was learning.
Why have I gotten worse at everything over the past month? Well, what do you think?
Why is everyone so much better than me? Because they were consistent, you weren't. I'm surprised my favorite quote didn't even come to mind when I was thinking about this:
"When you are not practicing, remember, someone somewhere is practicing, and when you meet him he will win." -Ed Macauley
Why can't I do anything about it?
...
The more I think about it, the more I realize that question is not even relevant in the slightest. All I gotta do is start, then I can do something about it. Being consistent is ultimately what matters. The instant I'm not trying is the instant I'm going to lose. And if I do end up stop being consistent, all I have to do is remind myself to get back on track.
Ultimately, I'm writing this for my own sanity. But I'm also writing this as an apology to all the people I told to go away and not care about me. It's about time that I stop getting depressed over such silly matters. I promise to be consistent from now on, whether it's uploading Youtube videos, doing music composition, practicing smash, practicing cello, etc. Ultimately the promise is the most dedicated towards myself, but it's also for everyone. Because I do this not just for myself, but for everyone.
~ Marc "Harmless" Picard
~ Tesla Bromonovich
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Harmless - Is it lunch time yet?
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Re: I've finally done it.
Thumbs up x2
by Bogdan » September 11th, 2015, 3:28 am
First off, hats of to you for finding a solution to get out of this.
However what I think is that once you do find a way out of depression, anxiety and self-hating you should follow it with aknoweledging that you won't necessary arrive at the other end, but instead thinking that "I've made ... x meters on the way, I'm closer to my destination". Jumping from overly carring about certain aspects to trying to ignore/completely boycotting them isn't a solution either, and when the problems come back they may hit you strong.
You said that all this problems were caused by "not sufficiently trying" (or not trying at all), however just trying will not necessary improve your condition, and I'm talking from my own experience. You said you "haven't touched your cello in several weeks", I haven't touched my guitar from over 2 years because I simply considered "I suck" and gave up (although I still stare at it from time to time). Tried to make a portrait once, as a gift to someone. I made one, I tought it sucked, scrapped it. I tried everything, changhing paper, colours, method of making it (from sketch, to painting and so on). In the end, when everything seemed to go smooth, I noticed a small dot that bothered me eye, even if someone else wouldn't be able to notice it. Tried again and again and again (5 of the same kind of potraits were burnt just because it had little "imperfections).
My point isn't to take you down from trying, my point is to know from which point to start improving yourself and figuring out when it's the best time to settle down for a bit. Perfectionism is something that will try to keep you down, no matter how high is your target.
Other than being said, I'm glad you find a way to clear your mind, and wish you luck following it.
However what I think is that once you do find a way out of depression, anxiety and self-hating you should follow it with aknoweledging that you won't necessary arrive at the other end, but instead thinking that "I've made ... x meters on the way, I'm closer to my destination". Jumping from overly carring about certain aspects to trying to ignore/completely boycotting them isn't a solution either, and when the problems come back they may hit you strong.
You said that all this problems were caused by "not sufficiently trying" (or not trying at all), however just trying will not necessary improve your condition, and I'm talking from my own experience. You said you "haven't touched your cello in several weeks", I haven't touched my guitar from over 2 years because I simply considered "I suck" and gave up (although I still stare at it from time to time). Tried to make a portrait once, as a gift to someone. I made one, I tought it sucked, scrapped it. I tried everything, changhing paper, colours, method of making it (from sketch, to painting and so on). In the end, when everything seemed to go smooth, I noticed a small dot that bothered me eye, even if someone else wouldn't be able to notice it. Tried again and again and again (5 of the same kind of potraits were burnt just because it had little "imperfections).
My point isn't to take you down from trying, my point is to know from which point to start improving yourself and figuring out when it's the best time to settle down for a bit. Perfectionism is something that will try to keep you down, no matter how high is your target.
Other than being said, I'm glad you find a way to clear your mind, and wish you luck following it.
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Bogdan - The Legacy
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Re: I've finally done it.
Thumbs up x3
by Doram » September 11th, 2015, 6:53 am
Need. To. Thumbs. Up. MORE.
Doram pounds mercilessly on the thumbs up button in the hopes that it will register more than once...
Bravo, Marc. 100% correct. Just fantastic! The world eagerly awaits the day that your greatness can shine full force. Learn. Grow. Cooperate. Create. That's what we're all here for. Good job, sir.
And Bog, you're being too harsh on yourself. Yes. Perfection is a goal, while at the same time, it is possible that perfection is impossible, but that doesn't mean that the fight isn't worth it. There's benefit to coming close to perfection, even if you fail in the end, because you have furthered our understanding of how close you can come in a single lifetime, and the challenge becomes what else is necessary within the group to allow us to come even closer. Also, each of us is completely unique, so why not shine as brightly as we possibly can. And, in the end, you never know. You might just prove us all wrong and actually find that perfection. What Harmless found is the will to fight for what he believes in. It has nothing at all to do with the belief that it will be successful, because success is not in the accomplishment of the fact. Success is in the fight to try.
This is related to the other truth that there is nothing wrong with failure, and in fact there is benefit in failure, because you now know one way that will not work, and by definition, that is one obstacle to success out of your way, and no longer a problem. It is the definition of learning, which has just as much to do with knowing what not to do, as it does with knowing what to do. And best of all, another truth, that you are not alone, means that even in your struggle, others can take lessons, find hope, and learn and grow themselves. You help others, just by trying. And that is the beauty of multiplication of effort. If you can learn a lesson from another person's failure, you don't have to go through that failure yourself, and you've reduced the number of obstacles in your life without any effort at all! That's how science has advanced as far as it has, as generations of failure have whittled down reality to the few things left that must be true, because all else has been tried, and has failed. And even when the right way is found, there is STILL benefit from knowing exactly how, when, and why it can go wrong.
So, don't let failure, or the ephemeral nature of perfection scare you. The fight is ALWAYS worth it.
Doram pounds mercilessly on the thumbs up button in the hopes that it will register more than once...
Bravo, Marc. 100% correct. Just fantastic! The world eagerly awaits the day that your greatness can shine full force. Learn. Grow. Cooperate. Create. That's what we're all here for. Good job, sir.
And Bog, you're being too harsh on yourself. Yes. Perfection is a goal, while at the same time, it is possible that perfection is impossible, but that doesn't mean that the fight isn't worth it. There's benefit to coming close to perfection, even if you fail in the end, because you have furthered our understanding of how close you can come in a single lifetime, and the challenge becomes what else is necessary within the group to allow us to come even closer. Also, each of us is completely unique, so why not shine as brightly as we possibly can. And, in the end, you never know. You might just prove us all wrong and actually find that perfection. What Harmless found is the will to fight for what he believes in. It has nothing at all to do with the belief that it will be successful, because success is not in the accomplishment of the fact. Success is in the fight to try.
This is related to the other truth that there is nothing wrong with failure, and in fact there is benefit in failure, because you now know one way that will not work, and by definition, that is one obstacle to success out of your way, and no longer a problem. It is the definition of learning, which has just as much to do with knowing what not to do, as it does with knowing what to do. And best of all, another truth, that you are not alone, means that even in your struggle, others can take lessons, find hope, and learn and grow themselves. You help others, just by trying. And that is the beauty of multiplication of effort. If you can learn a lesson from another person's failure, you don't have to go through that failure yourself, and you've reduced the number of obstacles in your life without any effort at all! That's how science has advanced as far as it has, as generations of failure have whittled down reality to the few things left that must be true, because all else has been tried, and has failed. And even when the right way is found, there is STILL benefit from knowing exactly how, when, and why it can go wrong.
So, don't let failure, or the ephemeral nature of perfection scare you. The fight is ALWAYS worth it.
Martin Luther King Jr. wrote:Man must evolve, for all human conflict, a method which rejects revenge, aggression, and retaliation.
The foundation of such a method is love.
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