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Sigh. I wish I could say things were going well. But it's not. They've never been this bad. I never prepared myself for what life with a long term illness would be like. But it's been 4 years and the last two maybe three of them have gone in such a quick flash, I've never felt this scared about my future.
I've mentioned before quite openly that I have an eating disorder so it's probably not news to a lot of you. But it's gotten so much worse. In the last 11 months I've lost nearly 40lbs down from a low healthy weight. That's like a third of my body weight. When I say it out loud, it feels even worse. I've literally lost every single last thing from my life that I've loved, the exception being my family, the only reason I've not given up as I don't want to be selfish and leave them behind. But I have nothing anymore. Absolutely nothing. My life is empty. I look in the mirror, and all I see is a disease. I never understood why anorexia killed so many and now it makes perfect sense.

Sorry for the mess of words. I'm really lost. And scared. And sad. But I can't get help and I can't stop, so I'm stuck.
And obviously I know runouw is not a support forum, I go on other forums for that, but I've been offline here for so long now and there is a very good reason why and I felt like actually being completely honest for once.

You haven't lost us. I don't know what is it that you've lost, besides weight, but you sure haven't lost us, and you'll never lose me. I really wish to help you, I would like to talk to you or something... I mean... damn it. I really want you to be well... But I can't just make your eating disorder go away. I can't make you see yourself the way I see you. I can't... be there with you. I'm too far away.

Darn it I... I'm sorry I can't help. To be honest I've always felt I can't really help anyone here, I'm too far away to do anything that makes an impact... All I can do is tell you to be brave, to be strong, to keep facing the odds, that things will get better. And I don't think that's enough. Maybe these are just words for you, the ramblings of some guy in the internet.

I just wish I could be there. You're a great person, Amp. I just wish you were able to see past the disease and realize that. I wish I could be right there next to you to give you a hug and tell you everything's going to be alright.

Fight, alright? You have to keep fighting. We'll be there to cheer you on... but you aren't fighting for us, remember that. You're fighting for yourself. And maybe you can't see the value your life has... but I hope you'll be able to realize just how precious you are. Stay determined!

Edit: Don't thumb this up too much I don't need to look at this post multiple times a day

Dunno if you've considered this or not, Cait, but if you absolutely have to, and if you can't do it all on your own, try to get admitted to help recover. Don't torture yourself, especially if you're this low in BMI.

I'm not an expert on eating disorders at all, but if it's psychological in any way, I wouldn't hold it against you to confront it with someone experienced in that field. If you've been living in this personal hell for this long, it's a good time as ever to let someone pick up the slack for you, and watch your back while you climb back out.

You got this. You know there is a problem, you accept there is a problem, and you want to resolve that problem. All you need now is to get the help to recover from said problem. It's just a matter of finding that help, somehow. Google returned a few resources and a couple of support groups around London and other areas, and they sound like what AA is here for alcoholics.

You can do this, though. You're not one to give in that easy.

I echo the sentiments to look at help because this is not a small deal anymore. It never was at all but especially now it makes then look like friggin' pennies. Bad enough that the disorder persists but you looking lower on yourself for struggling with it which you really should not do is equally dangerous. We all care about you and want the best for you, so you gotta be doing something right even now but I would imagine you would get to your best self feeling well with yourself. Hope that helps

In my eyes, anorexia has got to be one of the roughest things to deal with.

But we're all here for ya. I'm open on Discord if need to talk to someone.

Thank you for being so supportive, it's more than I could have asked for. The biggest problem is it's first and foremost psychological, I feel like there's a bubble or a wall around me that's stopping me from seeing just how much I need the help. I know rationally how ill I have gotten and I know that my body is in a bad state and needs some kind of nourishment. But there's always a mental barrier, stopping me from just seeing a doctor, that I can't for the life of me seem to push past.

Even though I want to be happy and to have a future, the thought of having to eat more and gain weight is so crippling and beyond terrifying that part of me wonders if it would even be worth it. But it's okay, I do have a few support networks right now so I'm not completely on my own. (might reach a point in the next year where I get forced into help anyway tbh)

But thank you guys. <3 I know that I have not lost runouw from my life because the community here still matters so much to me, even if I can't exactly visit as often as I used to right now.

I had a really bad tournament yesterday. I got super salty and anti-social last night. When I got eliminated, I immediately grabbed my stuff and left.

Yeah, people grow from failure, but not if I'm losing to the same crap over and over again and never knowing why or how I got bodied. I'm not going to grow if I keep failing like that. Even if I am improving, so is everyone else; and that means I will never be able to beat the PR players or anyone else that's good. And is God going to just let me suffer like this? Wouldn't he do something to prevent people from living like this?

It's absolute horsecrap

The pantheist/deist in me wants to say that if there does in fact exist an omnipotent deity, it's highly illogical that he would be able to monitor all of humanity, if there are in fact beings operating under the guise of free will on other worlds.

Ergo, such an entity would only have the duty of ensuring that the timeline and universe stays in balance, and lets humanity run its course, so long s it doesn't try to attain "godhood" on its own terms.

You want to win, but you want to win on your terms. You're not one to accept loss, and that's your weakness. Yes, people can learn from failure, but that's only if they can accept that loss is part of the natural cycle of success.

Anyone can win. But it takes balls to lose and still see it as a win. What would you consider to be a victory, Veso?

God damn I'm really enjoying life it's ♥♥♥♥ great.