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About two years ago, I posted somewhere, I forget where, probably not officially, that I identified at genderfluid. It was a step in the direction I wanted to go, but it was also a very tentative precaution. The biggest fear I've ever had in my life, more than death, taxes, and public speaking, is coming out incorrectly. I do not ever want to be the type of person who takes back their coming out announcement. I am young, I am foolish, and I am constantly shifting. But I can call a direction when I see one, and the pattern's pretty clear.

I think that my fear of coming out has always been inverse. I came out as bisexual (I'd now identify as pansexual, I didn't know that was the more accurate term herp de derp) in response to two ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ who tried to physically attack me for my sexuality during a conversation I had while canvassing for HRC. I think that it was because it's easy to dismiss enemies. Many of them are ill-informed, some are monstrous while others are misguided. Sway some, ignore others, fight few. But they are distinctly a contrasting crowd to who I am and it is easy to untangle from them.

Who should be my allies, however, pose a different story. The LGBT community as a whole has intimidated me beyond belief. I've witnessed the divide between "what kind of gay is okay", the racial divide between the differing experiences, political divides, and nothing but pigeonholing as far as the blocked eye can see. I have learned that many people have far different experiences, but I know many are not the people I would idolize or bond with despite similarities. I fear them much like a teenager fears the judgment of their peers. They have kept me in the closet, not Fox News, not Donald Trump, not the 700 Club.

I've mentioned Caitlyn Jenner as someone many have missed the point of. I don't like her very much. People have pointed out that she took the spotlight to reflect upon herself and then ignored or worked against her peers, and while not everyone has to be an activist marching the streets all the time (everyone has different roles in society, after all) I think it reflects a longstanding LGBT tradition of beating people to the outfighting with infighting. However, one thing can't be denied- Jenner's coming out, no matter who she is, no matter her background, no matter the finances that smoothed out the transition, opened the conversation of trans rights to a wider audience than ever before, rather than just the tacked-on T to a group that doesn't understand each other person-to-person.

I've been very solitary lately. It's been hard to feel like someone I want to be right now, because I don't. Appearance is a part of it- I hate how I look a thousand fold, and I don't think that self-beauty is something that should be seen as invalid. And outward appearances contrasting my inner being have crippled me. It's not that I want to be in the closet, it's that I don't think I have anything to wear that suits me- I've bought the blouses, the jewelry, and am growing my pain-in-the-ass hair out while shaving my pain-in-the-ass beard. Being stuck has made me question my conviction, but I realize my writing has reflected who I am. And I realize that while appearance is a part of it, it's not what my identity has to be. Long hair, short hair, short skirts, baggy jeans, tank tops, frilly blouses- being a woman is universal. It is what you want it to be. It is your body, your mind, your soul. It is to me a far more open, freeing identity than anything I've experienced.

And being a woman, I should know.

Welp I posted something in the chat but you went off before I realized it so I'm just dropping a short post here.

MoD, I support and appreciate your decision to the fullest. Regardless of gender or sexual orientation, your true being is your soul, and not your appearance, and I really like that you acknowledge this. I know that taking this and showing to the world is very hard, but if you have confidence about who you really are then it's not really an obstacle. Because to me it doesnt matter if you are a woman or a man, I'll still keep seeing you as the assertive leader that once beat me in the Runowheel of Fortune and that I appreciate a lot.

Your body is but a vessel. Does it really matter what it looks like?

Yes. Becoming who I visualize myself as makes me feel a lot less fake.

Why would you feel like you're fake?

Let me put it this way. In some, like, spy comedies, some male characters have to dress in drag as a disguise. And the joke is usually EW I'm not a woman I hate this it's so wrong and icky I don't like it.

Imagining living day to day life with that feeling.

What can you do about it?

Trying to start the transition process. But now's a bad time because medicaid ♥♥♥♥ up and dropped me, so finding places to learn more, go to therapy, get meds, etc etc, is really stressful.

Your personality and the things you do are strong, but when I learned this about you, I just liked you more as a person. It's like when I learned Mew2King had Asperger's: I liked him more as a person. I've never met the guy, but still.

Also, with the looks thing: be yourself. Do what you want with your looks. Dress the way you want to. I shout Spongebob quotes at school; it's who I am. Unless I have to, I always dress in a T-shirt and shorts/blue jeans instead of...say...a polo shirt and slacks. I also starting to enjoy pushing my sunglasses back like in anime. It's who I want to be as a person. The way I see it ("the lad's got a sunset before that bomb reachs his lower intestine" [See? Spongebob quote!] ), who you are as a person has more meaning than gender.

Well if that's who you are, that's that. I'm accepting of all genders and sexualities.