The Mental Breakdowns of a Cancer Patient

[NanTheDark]

Everyone, lend MoD your energy.
*raises hands in the air*

We're doing a Spirit Bomb? Awesome!

*raises hands*

[Kimonio]

You got this girl. I mentioned this to a friend who reads your posts on here anonymously, and she was sympathetic and gave advice/knowledge about lymphoma. Hermain suggestion was to find out if it's Hodkin or non-Hodkin, and go from there.

Also, you're one of the best young writers I know and have met, albeit not physically. You've spoken out on public transit problems. You've built a small portfolio of Portland photography. You've written fanfictions that have gathered a number of fans. If anyone can kick this ♥♥♥♥ in the ♥♥♥♥ ♥♥♥, it's you.

I've got your back every step of the way. Let's ♥♥♥♥ this ♥♥♥♥ up, together.

[MessengerOfDreams]

On Day 11 of life with acknowledged cancer. Just to inform you of the grossly obvious, it does hurt like a ♥♥♥♥♥. Got the biopsy done but results are delayed, which, ya know, makes me feel WONDERFUL. No nerves over here. Trouble sleeping and all that jazz, ya know, pretty much all the stuff you DON'T expect of a cancer diagnosis if you are as blindly ignorant as my ♥♥♥ was.

One thing that has really shaken me up is my gender identity. This cancer ♥♥♥♥ has sidelined my legitimate effort to come out as female. The FB avatar is nice and cute and ♥♥♥♥, but I was going to actually work on presenting. It's not what YOU should necessarily feel is the most important part of a process like this, but because this is MY process and not the copypasta one, it's very important to convey it to others visually while also feeling like the kind of woman I'd write about me as. (Which very strangely for a 21 year old has a sort of Gemma Teller vibe, oh Cammy).

But holy ♥♥♥♥... I feel absolutely weak. Like, wiped. Yesterday I tried the grueling task of walking through a store and I made it through 1.5 of the 4 we went into. I have trouble leaving the ♥♥♥♥ chair half the day. I crave naps and it only gets worse when I can't get 'em. And I'm starting to realize the popularized idea of "well, you got cancer, but woot woot bucket list time party everywhere" is some really well intentioned ♥♥♥♥.

I have not shaved in a month. I am more than a month past my planned haircut. My attire consists of whatever the ♥♥♥♥ I see and five separate IV bruises of which I can name each Geocache coordinates. I have, for lack of a better term, let myself go. And that should not bug me so much but it has.

There's someone else in my life I know that's transitioning as well. And they are not someone I should by any means be jealous of but holy ♥♥♥♥ he looks like the man he wants to be. I look like Will Forte at the end of the world. I can pretend it's a statement, I can pretend it's intentional, but it's just frustrating because as soon as I uncage my body a new cage overtakes it.

[MessengerOfDreams]

Got Chemo lined up from Saturday through Thursday. Some of you might be wondering "holy ♥♥♥♥ already thought that ♥♥♥♥ took time" and idk the first thing about that ♥♥♥♥ so maybe you aren't... but the thing is, if I did nothing about this cancer for the next few weeks or month or so I'd have developed something fatal. This cancer sat around for a long-ass time. I let it fester there unknowingly, and it's quite frankly huge and cumbersome. Unbelievably so. And it explains too much about my life this past fall and late Summer. I cannot afford to take no action or even light action. So the fight starts before training has ended.

[Harmless]

Wait, so you are okay... right?

[MessengerOfDreams]

If I go through chemo, I will be. Just a little terrified. Two days left. Then I'm going from being a girl with cancer to being a cancer patient.

[Harmless]

Ah. Alrighty, that's good to hear! You got this.

[MessengerOfDreams]

Chemo starts today. On one hand, the hospital admitting me is awesome from my experiences and from what I've heard. On the other hand... it's still ♥♥♥♥ Chemo. And I'm still staying over for five or six days. And that makes me anxious as ♥♥♥♥.

[Harmless]

Only a week to go! You can do it.

[MessengerOfDreams]

I've been losing my mind today. So hopefully you're right.