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You got this girl. Just stay strong.
I know I already said something, but I want to say something again.

It's kind of sad to look back and see how many times on NYE I crack wise about how nothing's going on. Oh, it's a boring NYE. No one to kiss, nothing dramatic to commemorate. Stuff happens, it feels like stuff happening, and I can only later realize it as things that make me who I am. I said in 2014 that I was asleep at the wheel for way too long and at the end of the year 2015 my car nearly swerved off of the road. I dunno what really to do with myself right now, but I know this much: it HAS to be something more. I'm fighting cancer, I'm trying to finish my degree, I'm becoming the woman I was set to be, and I've now had to deal with that introduction of loss- something that seemed like a concept and not a possibility. I had written a lot about loss as that concept. It basically cornerstoned my writing career. But I never experienced that sort of risk of losing until now. Friends faded but I never felt like I lost them. Relationships broke and I lingered as if we never split. I made changes but I didn't process myself, and now that I have just the tiniest, tiniest element of losing everything, I know that I have to welcome change within myself.

I'm hopefully on my way out of the hospital tomorrow. Chemo so far has been rather unpleasant and we'll see how the after-effects turn out. I'm gonna try and stay up NYE and kiss the rain if that's all I got, but I might end up passed out at 2pm til ♥♥♥♥' February, that's how foreign this all feels. All I can say is that I am thankful for those who put in the effort to make me not feel alone, and for those who weren't able to- it's okay, cancer patient really doesn't and I hope to God never demands that I put myself above others outside of personal health priority. The bonds that I've made will be the bonds that I rely on and hopefully if I've let ours slip we can rebuild them.

I think I've pinpointed a thing I hate about cancer- I'm usually so 110% and I love to throw myself into everything and now the only thing I 110% throw myself into anymore is my bed.

:s

Here, hope this helps.

Madam, I can only say this. I have seen you triumph beautifully over everything you have faced. I cannot see you fail over this. Cancer is not the death sentence it used to be. You will beat this, and it has already made you stronger. Feel and understand the elements of true loss that it has shown you, and keep fighting the good fight. Remember, the only true failure is giving up.

EDIT: In counterpoint to Harmless, I remind you of something you fight for: Ode to Joy

I don't like to say much in situations such as these because I'll probably make things worse. However I do want to say two things.

1) Nowadays, over 50% of people with cancer beat it. Like Doram said, it's not a death sentence.

2) You're an incredibly strong, intelligent person. You're going to be fine, I'm sure of it.

That is all. Stay strong and keep positive.

I'll be here to listen.

GJ this is actually relevant. I just had a brain tumor removed a few days ago and that ♥♥♥♥ had been festering for awhile now. I've no clue how long it'll take me to be normal again but I figure it should be posted in places other than one topic not about me so it's more obvious