Thumbs up x2
by Doram » March 3rd, 2016, 7:11 am
- This post by Doram was thumbed up by: 2
- Supershroom (March 3rd, 2016, 11:51 am) • ~Yuri (March 3rd, 2016, 7:27 am)
Okokokok. Sorry, was busy with a thousand other things, and hadn't dropped in here in a while, but this is definitely worth attention.
First off, part of the issue here is that most people do not understand unconditional love. There are several categories of relationships that REQUIRE unconditional love to not be ♥♥♥♥ up, the most important of which are intimate/marriage relationships, and parent/child relationships. The short version is this: Unconditional love is unconditional - without conditions - without limits - without requirements - without end. When you put a condition on it, you start holding back. the condition is not met somehow, and the other person doesn't get something they NEED, and that's when the PROBLEMS start. In the case of intimate relationships, they need a connection to their partner, and support from their partner. That's what being partners means. In the case of parent/child relationships, they need nurturing, teaching, and reassurance, and that technically goes both ways. Every parent is unsure of themselves, mostly because we all live in a broken world that does not teach self-confidence, but I will stop there or I will get lost in a "Society is broken" rant, and those take hours.
NOW, your parents most likely came to their breaking point (literally) when they broke up, because there was some condition that was put on it, that condition was not met, and one or both of them started holding back. Whether they understand that as the cause or not, at least one of them was not getting what they needed (impossible to tell who or what from the given conversation). Most of the time, even if you do not understand what is going on, there is one aspect of the relationship where this is IMPOSSIBLE to ignore, and that is your ability to connect with your partner in the most intimate and complete way = sex. The sex gets bad or infrequent due to underlying issues with the relationship, and the most blind or ignorant person can TELL. Also, one of the most horrifying ways in which our society is broken is when it tells us this: Sex is everywhere, and clearly massively important. BUT, you are NOT allowed to talk about sex. *facepalms* Your mother does not want to talk about it with you, because it is "inappropriate" to talk to a/your child about sex. Period. Exclamation point. Whether that is part or all of it is immaterial, because she is hitting that wall, and bouncing off of it. You are an adult, and should be able to understand it at this point, but most parents mistake that taboo as being universal and permanent, and will beat themselves bloody by bouncing themselves off that wall. "But, but, but, I CAN'T!" Yes, you can. Everything will be fine, I promise.
NOW, you, on your part, are doing something right by insisting on figuring this out, because it WILL hang over your relationship with her for the rest of your life until it IS figured out, BUT, you have already made a small mistake in the process by putting a condition on it. "If those emotions bring the worst out of you, then please don't share it. I don't want to see." Right now, the problem that you want to see solved is precisely that: This brings out the worst in her, and, now you've said that you don't want to see the very thing you want her to talk to you about. In her mind, she will remember that sentence, and think to herself, "He has now CONFIRMED that I will hurt him by showing him the truth." This is a barrier to you figuring this all out, and you need to remind her of it, and take it back. The truth is the truth, and you WILL NOT figure this all out without looking at the naked, ugly, painful truth, and being completely honest with each other about it, so you can both DEAL with it. Remind her that you are a full grown adult (and all of the legal "restrictions" are now technically gone), and somewhere in the process of looking for a partner for yourself in this life, and as your primary example of how to do that (as every parent is), you need to understand what your parent's relationship was like, and what went wrong, and how to deal with it, if you are to have your best chance of figuring it out in your own life (appeal to the teacher aspect of the parent/child relationship). Tell her that it WILL hurt you to hear some of these things (honest response), but it hurts MORE to see her in pain, and not understand what you can do to help, if anything (also true, but, more importantly, needs to be connected to the first point). Sometimes just listening helps, and if nothing else, you can do that for her. This is the point in a child's life where they are no longer children, and their relationship MUST change with their parents, to be more like an agreement between equals, otherwise both child AND parent are stunted in their growth, and believe me, growth never stops, not until the very moment that you die.
So, important points to remember.
Your mother will love you always and forever, and no matter what pain she is going through, that will never change. That is the unconditional love of a parent, and once that love is started, it DOES NOT ever stop. The parent might find themselves crippled enough that they can't find a way to SHOW it, but it's there. The same goes for you. They are your parents, and you love them, and no matter how scared, or hurt, or frustrated, or angry you get. That love will always be sitting deep inside you, waiting for a chance to show itself, and they will ALWAYS be your parents, no matter how old any of you get.
Dealing with problems requires truth. Complete, unrestrained, absolute, truth. Honesty and thoroughness are KEY to figuring this out. BOTH of you must agree to this. Do not be afraid of any part of it, and no part of it will remain to haunt you. Fear is an infection, and like an infection, it only gets worse if you ignore it. That haunting sickness comes purely from fear, and fear is meaningless in the face of love. Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, it does not boast, it is not arrogant. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. THAT is what you both need right now. She needs to look at her problems honestly, and decide how to deal with them, and you need to not have them sitting there between you, obscuring her ability to be your parent, and your ability to be her child.
EDIT: Rereading the original conversation, I realized that I missed some detail at the very end, and I want to address it.
Mistakes were made. Mistakes are still being made. Moreover, we do stupid things for love, including making mistakes worse. Your mother is not a bad person for making the choices that she made. She may have done mean and stupid things, but that does not mean that she wanted to hurt people, she was just lashing out when not knowing WHAT to do, when she was in pain herself. All this lovely broken world encourages us to not think about our actions and rush into things, and that pretty universally causes us to mess things up worse. Take your time, encourage her to do the same - feel, think, THEN act.
