I am...

[Pawn12]

I am...
I'll try to keep this brief...
Hello, only a handful of y'all know I exist so now is a grand opportunity to finally say hi to people who have no clue on who I am. I have been in the background noise for quite some time now, since before 2014, and I have decided to make my self known in a weird way... A semi-life-story semi-Everything-is-Wrong monologue. Prepare yourself for the whine-fest of the century! Please note: I am not actually going to kill anyone, I have way too many plans for something like that.

...Me

I am a human, who has no name, that exists in a distant corner of the world. I have so... Many god dang things wrong with me! It's a wonder how I can contain myself.
I am a Sociopathic, Psychopath who knows little about the human body. I am a person who's, even by his closest family member, ignored and forgotten. I am a man who thinks that human life is a parasite on this planet, slowly killing the earth. I am a boy who suffers from an uncountable number of undesirable issues physically and mentally, and only to be ignored by the others only because they know me as the term "Hypochondriac" even though I know that I have many things wrong with me!

Now normally this would have gone on the topic "Who are you." Well, here is the difference. I am going to complain about my life and why it is terrible. Yes, I do know that there are several, if not, many on this site that have it really bad and worse than me. But, even though my issues are trumped by those unnamed, Issues are issues and they need to be heard!

Issues at hand

...Ignored: This is a problem I have been dealing with all of my life. Every time I say something, it is either ignored or people just don't hear it. Everywhere I am ignored, whether if it's my peers, best friend, or my family members. Nobody wants to acknowledge that I exist. "Hypochondriac" is what my mother told me. If you don't know what that is, basically, it is a trait that where the person is really anxious about their health. It is terrible. Not only did it affect how my anxiety works, but, nobody listens to me when I genuinely feel like I am going to die... (Hyperbole). I always feel unneeded in the world. It's one of the driving points that lead me to think about the worse... Suicide. Yea, it's not a pretty word but it's the truth. But the ignoring doesn't stop there, no it's everywhere. (This part is a bit whiny) Everywhere, Every place I've been to, save for this website and the other forum I visit, I am treated to be like I don't exist. Before you say it, Yes, I have tried to put myself out there. I have tried to make myself known. But my attempts were futile. Nobody cared. They only cared for the popular crap. I think I have driven my point. This one was the whiniest of the bunch.

...Riddled with Disorder: Along with that lovely label Hypochondria, I have Anxiety issues and Paranoia. Those two go great together, right? I sigh when I have to bring up the disorder, and so do others. My anxiety is not that powerful compared to my "friends" but it still effects me, and combined with a paranoid personality disorder and you get a cocktail of wonders. Even when I walk down the road in broad daylight, I fear for my safety. I am looking back and worrying that someone would come up to me and stab me in the neck, or worse. It also doesn't help that I live in the white trash area of my city, but that is for a later issue. A part of my anxiety branches into Exploding Head Disorder (EHD). It is a disorder that an auditory hallucination, ranging from a crash to a gun shot, will play right when the victim is on the brink of sleep. Though it only happens from a range of 2 weeks before the next event or years before it happens, It still effects my sleep habits. I always worry when the next one is coming. I am not much with physical aliments but I do have several concerning ones.

Spoiler: show

From Feet to Head

-Feet locking up in extreme pain.
-Knee aches.
-Thigh Aches.
-Spine Issues
-Stomach-area pains
-Heart Problems
-Lung Problems
-Elbow Issues
-Brain Issues: Pains and Loss of focus.

...Emotional: I was always the "Odd one out", Probably due to my biological father leaving me... twice. That lead to bullying through my youth to all the way to two years ago. Nothing physical though. Mainly verbal. It still was a salt rub to my already gaping wounds. Those bullies, though bad, lead me to my greatest/worst discovery, the internet. This is when I found one of the first websites to ever make me feel something. Runouw. Thanks m8s. Now on to my more personal life. After my main father figure left out at the age of 8, I became more of an introvert. My mother became more irritable as well. Now don't get me wrong, My mother is as cool as cool gets but she does get to the point of sucking a whole lot. She can get a bit bully-ish. No physical violence, I haven't had any of that with anyone thankfully, only spouts of verbal. The driving point of me being defined is Death.

...Surrounded by Death: So many of the people or pets that I loved have or nearly died. My brothers had two strokes at early ages. Nearly all of my pets are dead. My cat Dash died of rat poison in winter. My cat Lucky just straight up disappeared years ago so it is safe to assume he is dead. My cat Grizzily, my best friend, had to be put down due to early signs of kidney failure. If he didn't get put down he would have had a life of misery. Even though I didn't want to let go, I had to. He died in my arms on the date of Feb. 23 of 2016. Finally to put a great big X in the year of 2016, My step-father (Main Father Figure) nearly died of a heart attack the other day (On June 21), and we are still unsure if he'll live. So, can I officially nickname the year 2016 the year of the dead?

...An insane human being: I am just going to flat out say this. I am mentally ill. I am unstable. I can barely keep it together. I won't go down the route of suicide because long ago, I deemed suicide as an escape for the weak, but if I am not remedied from my issues, I have no clue what my disconnected brain will do.
Wow, that one was dark... Well, I can eat ice-cream with my bottom row of teeth. There is your paragraph-ly humor.

...done
Tl;Dr: I am a Narcissistic, psychopathic, invisible, emotional, disordered human being who is the living embodiment of the seven deadly sins.
There, now I finally exist somewhere. As someone...

Ps: Holy hell, I just killed a fly by snatching it midair and squeezing it after I finished typing this. No one will ever know how cool I was for that moment.

[Bogdan]

This post by Bogdan was thumbed up by: 2

Oranjui (June 25th, 2016, 12:05 pm) • Pawn12 (July 19th, 2016, 10:47 pm)

[Pawn12]

Sorry for the long delay for a reply, I got a little... preoccupied.
Before I start, I'd like to thank you for responding to my post. It is not everyday that people do this.
Now, when I typed this up, I was going through an emotional period. Normally I hold myself above and have control over my human tenancies, but every so often I cave in. I do agree with some of the points one-month-ago me stated and I am sure that I missed some points.

First of all, I can't really say much about your second and third paragraphs because they are mainly about your, I assume, earlier life. Though I can say thank you for telling me that. It does a lot of help knowing that I am not alone.
Secondly, I will be going through all your analysis notes about the tidbits of text that I spewed and rambled. The short and easy of it is 1/2 of them are correct. Sorry, but yea. Now I didn't expect you or anyone for that matter to be a psychotherapist and be able to look into my life like a book, but I do commend you for trying.

- The first point you brought up was my Ego. Sadly you were wrong and right. You were right about me having another world and an escape, but I don't value myself as nothing. Sometimes I can act self loathing but those are due to my teenage brain. What I was talking about in that exert was the fact that I am alone and ignored. Though, to be honest, When i was typing that I was acting like an attention... Yea, you get the point.
-The next point you brought up was the family issue. You weren't exactly wrong but you weren't right either. Let me explain, I have been the most straight edge, minus being vegetarian, kid on earth. The worst thing I did on the face of the earth was take a candy bar from a store w/o paying when I was little. Anyway, before I get off topic, I have a decent bond with my mother. The problem with me though is that I am the eldest of 6 children, with her boyfriend having four more added to that, I am still the oldest. Therefore, I get the bottom of the barrel when it comes to parents. I do know how to take care of myself, but it'd be nice to actually talk to this family I have.
-I cannot actually say much for the last two things you analyzed. The third one seems like a good idea but nihilism just doesn't speak to me you know? For number four, That is mainly just suggestions for things to do in spare time. Which thank you for the suggestions. I actually started to practice digital art.

Now, again, thank you for putting time aside for this. It really does mean a lot.
Ps: I noticed that you focused on the beginning of the wall of text. I don't really care that much, just a bit curious as to why only that part.
Pss: A long time ago, I decided to ignore and hate all humans with the exception of a select few. Lately, I have little clue as to why I had a change of heart. I assume it has to be a phase that involves my teen brain and such.
Psss: Also, a quick update on the step-father situation. He survived. A full god damn recovery too, only some memory loss from the previous days. He had a heart attack called "The Widowmaker". It was frightening but he made it.

[Bogdan]

Everything I said in my previous post or other topics or I might say in the future is based purely on my own personal experience so far, I understand there are a couple of factors that differ and thus not only the outcome and aftermath are different, but the plan of the situation itself. However, when I tell my experiences, I say that because there might be specific similarities and patterns present in both cases, mine and yours and so it could help either side get a more stable outcome based on the knoweledge. When I see or at least get the impression that certain similarities exist, I relate my story in the hope that the other party does "see what I see" too and thus can make a decision or a path clearer.

You also mentioned something like "you're right...and wrong", in this case, I'm aware that not everything is completely black and white, but that depends on each person and each's background. I just took the pure scenario and idea and presented it as ideal, in order to get the essence and then focus on additional factors, like in physics. In this case, if it's not black or white, it's a gray, but your gray might be another a few tones darker or lighter than my gray.

I'd like to comment a little further, but I will need to clarify this first so you know on what I base my ideas.

nihilism just doesn't speak to me you know

How you see and feel the world changes over time. I personally, thought that we can be a change, that if I start making a change and try to turn the world into a better place, then eventually it will. Slowly, painfully and I may die before it's achieved. I just hated people that didn't share my view, asking "But, what for?", until eventually I hit the rock bottom, exhausted and psychically devasted it was the only thing that echoed in my head "What for?".

In this case, it worked. I was corrupted and thus halted my progress. I might to to the point saying that it killed my old self and a new one being born. Sounds selfish, but ultimately I just feel better knowing that such things don't matter and don't affect me. Before everything, I want my own good, regardless of my actions or my intentions, there is hidden or visible, a little bit of personal gain or goal. And once you start to see it, you will see it in everything. Everything is "corrupted". Martyrdom? Having died for your belief? Psh, religiously-wise, you wanted to be accepted into Eden, because it is in your benefit, because you don't want the pain of hell. Political wise? You'll be associated with the movement, people will either prise you as a hero and tremble when hearing your name (or not, but again, black and whites are ideal).

To me, realising that, no matter what I do, no matter what happens, eventually, in the end it won't or shouldn't affect me made me feel free. Some people will say it's sad and depressing aknoweledging that you are enourmously insignificant and eventually death ♥♥♥♥ on everyone, but for me it was a huge relief. I no longer feel obliged to carry overwhelming burdens, because I have nothing to prove to anyone.

I don't value myself as nothing. Sometimes I can act self loathing but those are due to my teenage brain. What I was talking about in that exert was the fact that I am alone and ignored.

As told in my previous point, each individual is enourmously insignificant, no matter what others tell you. Sad or not, this is the truth, or at least how I view it. Whenether you feel ignored, you will have to ask yourself, "Do I really have something to say?". I think about it, especially when I feel that the people around me are deaf. If I trully consider that it will be in my best benefit above anything else, then I do consider I have something to say and in that case, I shall make sure that what I say is heard.

This goes back to the "don't waste your resources" part, but it's up to you if the idea appeals or not to you, or if you relate to it. For others, it may seem depressing or even angering them, knowing that all your life, after being told how all lives matter and how your voice can do a change, you realise that regardless if you exist or not, regardless of your decision, the entire universe will adapt itself to go on. I can stay all day and talk about the multiverse theory, nihilism and my views on life, but those are the questions you need to ask yourself before others and try to find and answer yourself. That was my case anyway and many my opinions about religion, life, politics and so on are based on the answers I gave to those questions.

The next point you brought up was the family issue. You weren't exactly wrong but you weren't right either. Let me explain, I have been the most straight edge, minus being vegetarian, kid on earth. The worst thing I did on the face of the earth was take a candy bar from a store w/o paying when I was little. Anyway, before I get off topic, I have a decent bond with my mother. The problem with me though is that I am the eldest of 6 children, with her boyfriend having four more added to that, I am still the oldest. Therefore, I get the bottom of the barrel when it comes to parents. I do know how to take care of myself, but it'd be nice to actually talk to this family I have.

This is were we differ and I'd like to focus in this part a little bit. Given your situation then it's actually really obvious that yours is harder and thus I cannot recommend any viable suggestions. For comparion, I em the eldest of exactly 2 children and my parents were never divorced. In this case, I am happy and lucky, knowing there are no "in-state" problems to deal with, but I had people with different cases, a particular example would be divorced parents, with a younger half-sister and thus the younger sibling being favourited (from one side of the family) and being merely ignored from the other side. Now, this individual was just...stereotypical, actually heard saying "I'll just marry a rich individual and my family will see the monster they've created". This is just wrong from many sides. She's ruining her own life just to prove something to her parents who ignored her, when instead she could ignore them back and make a decent living for herself so she doesn't feel miserable.
I'm not saying this is your case, but again, I'm giving notable examples from my experience and comment on them, in the hope that you could extract the exact bits that interest you.

To finalise with, you mentioned your "teenage brain" a few times in your reply and as I said, it's a tricky period, but I hope you do realise that in this period, you shape your personality and thus you may want to stay and anaylse whatever it feels right or wrong, good or bad. You need to ask the questions yourself and give the answers that you actually believe in. A final example would be myself. I was raised in a fairly religious background and was quite religious to a point, around 14-16 years old or so. Many would argue that this was the "edgy" period when I just wanted to be a different rebel, but even now, religion doesn't quite appeal to me and I have no will to follow it. Plain and simple. Don't disregard your opinions and beliefs entirely just because you had them at age X or that somebody older said that, just try to see if you trully believe in them (you'll feel it).

[Doram]

I think you'll find that there are a number of people here who have been through a lot, and have found help and support here to figure out what to do next. We have had a number of people dealing with autism, suicidal thoughts, rape, dealing with coming out as gay or transgender, and similarly serious issues. Here, we have come together, those of us that have been through it and come out the other side, and those freshly cut by the raw horror that life can bring sometimes. Those that have made it through are MORE than happy to lend a friendly ear, much less a helping hand, if the opportunity arises, and I for one am quite proud of having helped several people here through times like this, as I was helped when I was young. We have a number of resources for those in need stickied at the top of the forum, and more immediate help is usually available on the chat. We're also generally not shy about poking into threads like this and offering some support. There are a number of HIGHLY intelligent people around as well, so if you are looking for a connection on that level, you will not be disappointed.

We take Serious Discussion seriously around here. If you need help, just ask. We want to help. Most of us are fine with discussion by Private Message if you don't want to discuss something really personal in a thread, too. Feel free to PM me any time, for example.