Lord N's Private Journal

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Lord N's Private Journal

Postby npromin1 » October 1st, 2016, 7:38 pm

Entry #1
October 1st, 2016.

My Thoughts:
Spoiler: show
I am a human-being. Now let's think here. Humans are just animals. Humans have evolved from apes and monkeys. We are intelligent creatures, so we have dominion over all life on the planet, fortunately. (For now.) Why? Because humans are social creatures. Humans are only so intelligent and so advanced above other life on Earth because they are social creatures. But then another question arises. Why? The answer is simple. Our double helix structure genetically evolved to encourage social interaction. You see, social interaction is the one thing that separates us from being just another animal. Now, for a specific. Human DNA includes emotions simply to encourage social interaction. As social interaction increases, human society advances. This advance will benefit humanity in some way, allowing them to somehow live longer. An example would be man inventing fire. So, say, the number of humans in a Paleolithic Tribe increases from 20 to 30 simply because humans know how to make and tame a fire. As humans live longer, they are more likely to have more children, and are more likely to grow as a population. As more children are born, more genetic mutations occur. (Don't quote me on the following. I'm not 100% sure exactly how this works.) During the reproductive process, there is a tiny chance of an error occurring. This error occurs when DNA is being copied from the sperm and egg cells to the child. As more humans exist, and more humans reproduce, there is an increasing chance of more errors, or genetic mutations to occur. Now, this leads me to what the genetic mutations are. These genetic mutations, which are narrowed down due to natural selection are our emotions. Natural selection prevents other traits from humans that work against us from mutating. Here is an example. There are 2 mutations. 1 mutation is the emotion of love. The other is a physical trait; One that probably may or may not be very common; A missing finger. Which human will live on to pass their genetic traits to their children? The one with the emotions, right? So they live on, and now all of us have emotions. The reason emotions allow humans to live longer and survive during the stage of natural selection? It's because they encourage more social interaction. More social interactions is good for humans because it allows society to advance more, and more humans are born with emotions as genetic mutations. This is like an everlasting cycle that goes on and on and on and on until humanity's eventual extinction. And I could also make another huge wall wondering about the point of life and humanity because it is going to end anyway, but I'm not going to do that. I might explain a bit of my beliefs toward the end of this wall, however. Instead, I know my goal in life. I'm going to change the world somehow, or at least try to. Maybe it will be in a good way, and maybe it will be in a bad way. I'm not too sure yet, but I know I will somehow. Now let's explain the point of this wall. I don't like emotions. They lead to social interaction, and I don't like social interaction. I tend to get the feeling that everyone has a negative opinion of me. It used to be true. A few years ago, in school, I was bullied a lot. But I don't care about that anymore. That was the past, and my feelings have changed since then. But back then, I felt like I wanted to commit suicide (And I tried a couple times too) because everyone literally just hated me. I wanted to die because noone would care, and maybe I could actually help them by killing myself because they wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. A lot of the time, I literally just went home from school and cried for hours on end. But I'm sure a lot of people have experienced this stage, right? Well, I wonder if anyone has experienced Stage 2 of it. Stage 2 is when you begin to hate everyone, and it's for the exact same reason too. It's because everyone hates me, and they must laugh at me behind my back and say I'm stupid and insult me. At least, that's what I think. From my experience, I end up brutally hating a lot of people that I think have a negative opinion of me when they actually have a positive opinion of me. So I end up hating everyone, and I want to kill THEM instead of me just so I can say, "Ha! That's what you get for hating me!" and I can also say, "Good. Now I don't have to worry about people hating me anymore. I'm not going to lie. I feel this way to most people in this community. I don't want to say this, but I should be honest about it. I practically hate everyone here except...Karyete, ~Zero/Yurimaster, Venexis...Hmmm....MP3...Harmless....Maybe a few others I can't think of off the top of my head. I'm not sure. Now to explain why. I think all of you, each and every one of you have a negative opinion of me and that you hate me. That most likely isn't true, but I feel stuck in my mindset. And if me posting this message makes you guys hate me even more, then so be it. I can't actually kill you for that, no matter how much I would want to or wish to, but I would ask you to just leave me the f.uck alone. Yeah, I'm trying to be as honest as I can right now because this is encouraged, but I'm a pretty f.ucked up person, so sorry for having to be so blunt about it. So I did think a little bit, and after awhile I came up with an alternative solution to killing everyone. It's still probably worse, though. It's enslaving everyone. If I enslave everyone and take away their free will, they won't be able to even think freely, and therefore they will be forced to mindlessly love me. That way, I can continue having social interactions. Yeah, I said at the beginning of this wall; The first sentence was "I am a human-being." I went on to explain in detail about the human-race. It shouldn't be coming to a surprise to you that I crave social interactions because I have emotions just like every other human on this planet. After all, ironically, I'm the slave to my emotions. I'm straying a little bit off-topic here by saying this, but sometimes I crave rationality. My emotions make me think everyone hates me and they make me do weird things. I wish I was rational...but that would lead to bad things, wouldn't it? Why do I think everyone hates me? I have had terrible life experiences, and now I am sensitive as f.uck. The slightest of things can piss me off and make me spam the f-word 530,000 times to someone in a PM. Now, back to rationality/emotionallity. If everyone was rational, the world would be a terrible place. You guys have at least taught me that, if anything. Thanks to you, this wall got 50% shorter. Back to this topic, yes, I have emotions too. That may surprise some of you more then others. So if everyone were my mindless slave with no free will and no free thought, then I could finally not have to worry about everyone hating me. In fact, that would be ideal because everyone would love me, flooding me with positive social interactions. Problem is, that means everyone in the world would be rational except me, and again, that would take away from humanity, if you could call it that. So that's where I came up with my "harem of mindless female slaves." Really, I just want some people to care about me. That's all. And yeah, I know it's impossible to actually take away someone's free will. I'm not dumb. So yeah. Would be nice if you decided to be among the small group of those who care for me WITH their free will and free thought intact. I'm not trying to advertise it or anything; Just trying to explain stuff to people.


Thank you for reading this.
Last edited by npromin1 on November 3rd, 2016, 2:57 am, edited 4 times in total.
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Re: WARNING: RANT AHEAD

Postby NanTheDark » October 2nd, 2016, 6:28 am

Don't know what to tell ya. No matter what I say, you'll probably think I hate you or something. I just think you need to see a therapist, get psychological help. We do care. Not the whole world is a bunch of bullies after you. There's plenty of good out there. You just gotta look for it.

At least you know already what's wrong. That's the first step. That's how you start working towards changing.
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Re: WARNING: RANT AHEAD

Postby Kimonio » October 2nd, 2016, 11:32 am

NanTheDark wrote: I just think you need to see a therapist, get psychological help.


I'd make an actual response, but Nan is right here. I had the same ♥♥♥♥ go down in how I perceived people, and it was stemming from social and emotional abuse in school or living with a narcissist growing up.

You say you're a psychopath, but I disagree. At 14, your brain is still developing and your hormones are sending impulses that can't be controlled, so you will react in ways you don't know, or understand, and will, yes, resent humanity based off mere instances in the past.

I saw a kid who had been bullied and abused come into sixth grade, get asked if he was okay in the middle of being teased, and immediately stormed outside to scream at the sky for minutes, until a teacher came to ask us what the hell went down. I used to keep tabs on him for a while after he moved, and he was antisocial and bitter towards all people, believing them all to be out to get him(also had this unhealthy obsessions with the military and firearms, but that's unrelated).

Sociopath? Nope. Psychopath? Nope. He was 12, then 14 when I last checked up on him. Is it possible he could have blossomed into either under any circumstance upon becoming an adult? Most certainly, but last I heard, he had gotten therapy or moved farther out.

You're not a sociopath or a psychopath, mate. Not yet. And may very likely never will be. Your brain isn't developed until another four years have passed, and then if anything is underway, you'll know if it poses a risk or not.

We don't hate you, but I know your cynicism won't let you see that. Not yet. But you know the problem and the causes of it all, so work with that and see where it takes you. Don't be the next manifesto.
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Re: WARNING: RANT AHEAD

Postby Bogdan » October 2nd, 2016, 11:53 am

npromin1 wrote:Well, I wonder if anyone has experienced Stage 2 of it. Stage 2 is when you begin to hate everyone, and it's for the exact same reason too. It's because everyone hates me, and they must laugh at me behind my back and say I'm stupid and insult me. At least, that's what I think. From my experience, I end up brutally hating a lot of people that I think have a negative opinion of me when they actually have a positive opinion of me. So I end up hating everyone, and I want to kill THEM instead of me just so I can say, "Ha! That's what you get for hating me!" and I can also say, "Good. Now I don't have to worry about people hating me anymore. I'm not going to lie. I feel this way to most people in this community. I don't want to say this, but I should be honest about it. I practically hate everyone here except...Karyete, ~Zero/Yurimaster, Venexis...Hmmm....MP3...Harmless....Maybe a few others I can't think of off the top of my head.


I could give you a reply on this, but instead, I will let this topic speak for me.

For further understanding, you should read this and this to get a basic idea of what my view and philosophy of life was and how it evolved over time. You can search my post history in serious discussion further if you wish so you can get a better view of the whole landscape, but the links I gave you were probably the most essential I could think of for a few reasons:
1. Prove you aren't and hopefully weren't the only one in this situation. Or a similar one at least.
2. It would give you idea of my background and mentality.
3. It would help you understand that things do change over time.

I am not saying you should view me as some kind of example or something to follow, but I highly encourage you do read those posts so you can believe me when I am saying I have experience in situations like this and I can say that things did change eventually. There are plenty of variables in the whole plot that makes your story different from my story, but aside from that, I hope my words will help you draw a few conclusions and hopefully make your situation turn for better. Or not, that is also variable.

As you can see, I had those ideas and view not too long ago, but now that I look at them and re-read them and analyse them I came to the conclusion that my point-of-view was in a bad angle. I wouldn't say that I would declare war on the human race like I would have said some time ago, I wouldn't wish for the human race to be destroyed, but instead, I would say I am cynical, distrusting and apathic, which is considerably a calmer and tamer version of my then mentality.

Because after all this "war", all this hate and active anger and disgust, I just realised, I was wasting resources, on them, which was exactly the opposite of my goal. So I cam to the conclusion that I should stop doing this, but only for myself. For the reasons people would classify as selfish and egoist I just started to stop giving a damn about this conflict and actively avoid it. I want peace for myself, I want calm for myself, I want everything for myself, this is why I would avoid arguments more often now than I did back then, because I am not willing to sacrifice my resources, such as nerves, time and whatnot for a conflict with someone, because that's like just throwing all those things, that are mine, at someone, hoping it would hurt them. The chance of them getting hurt is variable, it's a roll of a dice, it can or not happen, but wasting and loosing all those "resources" is a sure thing.

If you wish, I can evolve the subject further, but for now, I just simplified it and hope you could catch some ideas from it. But even then, you will surely leave this yourself and draw your own conclusions and I encourage you to do it, gain your own experience and your own points of view. It's a part of self-discovery, really.
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Re: Lord N's Serious Discussion Thread

Postby npromin1 » November 3rd, 2016, 2:45 am

Entry #2
November 3rd, 2016.

Terrible News:
Spoiler: show
I accidentally cut myself with a knife while pretending to kill people because I was pissed off. It's so deep my skin is actually peeling off. The cut itself is about as long as my middle finger. There's dried blood all over my right leg and foot and it's causing my toes to stick together. I just washed it off, and as long as my mom doesn't know about it I'll be fine. She's a ♥♥♥♥♥.


Bad News:
Spoiler: show
In other news, I saw a car accident right in front of me today. Someone turned left too early and ran into a guy on a motorcycle. The scene was deemed a crime scene and I'm now a witness.


Good News:
Spoiler: show
I'm also in the running for a medal from The U.S Air Force, but I probably won't win it.


Awful News:
Spoiler: show
I have 2 projects due today, 1 of which is finished terribly, the other which I need to do something quickly before class today at school.
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