runouw.com

Hey, it's been a while. Sorry if I haven't interacted with you guys very much. I want to talk about what's been happening these past months since I graduated high school, and I might also need to go update my Who Are You info.

After graduation, I got a job at Kroger and also attended weekly Smash 4 tournaments in my area. Things were going ok, though work was practically taking up all of my summer.
When I started college, I quit my job so I could focus on that. I also joined a Discord server that gave lessons and helped people wanting to improve in Smash 4. Well after a month, I went ahead and dropped out of college because of how poorly I was doing alongside my clinical depression. Since then, I've stayed at my father's place not being a productive member of society. My depression hit me hard. I cut myself even worse than before. My Smash 4 mentor had to suspend me for a bit until I could come back to playing the game with a calmer mind. I had destroyed my life, and I was falling apart even more.
I now have nothing else but a place to live and stuff, I'm trying to recover. I'm on another hiatus from Smash so I can overcome my depression and fear. I have nowhere else to go but forward...at least that's what I WANT to believe. I'm absolutely sick and tired of this depression, and I'm scared that I will be the same helpless person at the end of May when my hiatus is done.

Maybe you could buy yourself time with a job? It doesn't have to be full time, but anything to keep you in there can help...

I don't really know how to help otherwise, I'm sorry. If you want to talk, I'm always up for a chat whenever I'm online, be it Discord, steam, or runouw.

Harmless wrote:Maybe you could buy yourself time with a job? It doesn't have to be full time, but anything to keep you in there can help...

I don't really know how to help otherwise, I'm sorry. If you want to talk, I'm always up for a chat whenever I'm online, be it Discord, steam, or runouw.

I have done part time. It's just.....idk man

If you're seeing a therapist, talk with them about finding the root cause of your depression, and maybe upping the dose on any anti-depressants you may be taking. Try to eliminate anything that might be causing these emotions, but do so with the substitution method(remove one, if things don't change, put it back and remove something else).

If you feel your depression is at a point where you may harm yourself severely or off yourself, as a legal adult you now have complete authority to admit yourself for evaluation at a psych ward or hospital, where they will supervise you and make sure you recover as best possible, until you decide to leave or are signed as an outpatient.

Try not to completely halt callege. If an entire courseload is too much, cut it down to a few or couple classes. This might void the requirements for any scholarship you may be under, but if its the cost you're willing to take for the betterment of your mental health, then do it. You'll have to pay for the college classes yourself, or be under some other scholarship(ie: I use church money), but don't stop going. If you quit and never go back, you'll find it impossible to get back into the swing of things when you do want to take courses again. Trust me from experience.

I'm more than willing to offer any advice you need, as are others. Don't give in yet.

I just feel that college may not be the thing for me considering how I'm more interested in art and gaming, and those two don't necessarily need a college for it.

And my father has also reminded me that achieving a high school diploma is a big accomplishment.


Besides, I've taken this time to hang out with my younger stepbrother because I've neglected to spend enough quality time with him. I bought him Fire Emblem: The Sacred Stones for his birthday to show him that I care.

I've been feeling this out, and it seems to me that what you are facing here is actually an existential crisis. You've done exactly what you've always wanted, and you found that it wasn't fulfilling at all, and that got you depressed. You feel like what you have been trying to do thus far has been a waste, and doesn't make you happy at all, and the thought of giving up on it, after having devoted your life to it, is impossible or means that you are worthless or is just too enormously overwhelming to even think about. Totally understandable, normal, and fixable.

Now, the hard part is that to truly fix this, you need to do some studying - of yourself. You need to go out and try some new stuff, and see if you can find something that DOES seem satisfying, and do that. You know what unsatisfying feels like. Look for the opposite feeling in yourself when you are looking into things. Look for something else that interests you, but ALSO gives you that deep-down feeling of rightness. It may even be related to what you were already chasing, and doesn't require you starting from scratch at all. Find THAT and devote your life to it, and you will find everything else clicking into place.

Doram wrote:You need to go out and try some new stuff, and see if you can find something that DOES seem satisfying, and do that.

Vouching on this one. Game design and art still interests me, but it doesn't give the same vibe it used to, after events happened. I've been getting into studying blacksmithing, freelance editorial writing, and political debating recently.

Kimonio wrote:

Doram wrote:You need to go out and try some new stuff, and see if you can find something that DOES seem satisfying, and do that.

Vouching on this one. Game design and art still interests me, but it doesn't give the same vibe it used to, after events happened. I've been getting into studying blacksmithing, freelance editorial writing, and political debating recently.

I see. Yeah, I've been trying Tekken recently, and I've been learning more about myself.