A new OC that I've made

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A new OC that I've made

Postby Nero the DemonSlayer » December 30th, 2010, 10:54 pm

Dark
Image
Dark was a normal human when a company called DarkStalker Inc. kidnapped her and experimented on her when she was six, given wolf blood. Her parents were also kidnapped and experimented on, as were her older brother and her two younger siblings (when they were born). Her father, Yori, was a failed experiment but he survived and is now a six-legged, green basilisk-like monster with most of his humanity left. Her mother, Nykata, was given wolf blood, and she can turn into a black wolf. Her older brother, Nagato, was given snow fox blood. Her younger siblings, Dusk and Dawn (twins) were also given a experimental serum that would increase their powers by five, but were also given animal blood to counteract it so that the two wouldn't die. Dusk was given panther and Dawn was given Liger. Dark has four forms: her human form, her wolf form, her man-beast form (human body with wolf ears and tail), and her fourth form. She joined an organisation called the Lateron Defiance when she had a chance to excape from DarkStalker Inc.'s labs at the age of 15. Only about a year later though, she left the organization. She went on to attack DarkStalker Inc., full force. She succeeded in rescuing her parents and older brother, but her siblings were never found. She never stopped her killings along her search for her family though. She was soon captured by a remaining fraction of DarkStalker Inc. and was to be put in a cell. She endured it, and when she got her chance, excaped again, but not without activating the base's self destruct mechanism. Many more died in the catastrophic explosion, with Dark barely surviving. She climbed out of the rubble, her clothes torn and tathered. A few months later, she resurfaced again in a small Japanese city with information that another fraction of DarkStalker Inc. was there with her younger siblings. She found DarkStalkers Inc. again, and yet again, Dusk and Dawn weren't there. Upon finding the last alive guard, Dark interagated him to find out where they were. The guart told her that her siblings were held in the DarkStalker Inc.'s main building, the one same one she rescued her parents and older brother from. During the course of the next several weeks, she makes her way back there on foot. Incase she was being tracked by satallite, she would only travel at night, when there was thick cloud cover, and when in forests. Finally, she made it back to DarkStalker Inc.'s head builing. She snuck in wearing a guard's uniform and by avoiding showing her face to security cameras. When she entered the lab, she remembered all the horrible things that happened to her and her family and she broke into a blind rage, destroying all of the equipment and killing all the scientists and guards. She finally calmed down to see two young twins cowering in a corner of a cell. She opened the door with keys off of the closest guard and the two children ran up to her, crying "Sister". With her whole family rescued, she had one last thing to do. Kill the leader of DarkStalker Inc. The only problem is that no one knows where he/she is. Not even Dark knew until an unfateful event happened. The leader broke down the door to her family's new home. Dark beconned her family to the backroom and stood up against the leader. After hours of bloodshed, it was all over. DarkStalker Inc.'s leader had fallen. But Dark's story doesn't end there. It will never end until she dies. Until DarkStalker Inc. is wiped out forever.

PS. She took a three whole days for me to draw in paint. So give me points.
New sig...




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Re: A new OC that I've made

Postby The Masked One » December 30th, 2010, 11:22 pm

Alright since im a christian, i will have to do this from a christian perspective. All scores are out of 10.
Picture: 8
Comment: Had to deduct points for the following reasons:
Slight Nudity
Too close to half-way on the *coughbreastcough*

Story: 7
Comment: Point deduction for these reasons:
A little to violent (Killing people for no reason?)
No description on the 4th form
Main building self-destructed and was then suddenly put back together again.

Remember: Christian perspective.
Still a good story(ish).
...
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Re: A new OC that I've made

Postby Nero the DemonSlayer » December 30th, 2010, 11:28 pm

ShadowtheBowser wrote:Main building self-destructed and was then suddenly put back together again.

Nope. wasn't the main building. remember what it said.
me wrote: She was soon captured by a remaining fraction of DarkStalker Inc. and was to be put in a cell. She endured it, and when she got her chance, excaped again, but not without activating the base's self destruct mechanism.

Does it ever say MAIN BUILDING there? Did it say anywhere before this that she destroyed the MAIN BUILDING? nope.
And as for,
ShadowtheBowser wrote:A little to violent (Killing people for no reason?)

HELLO! THEY KIDNAPPED HER AND HER FAMILY AND EXPERIMENTED ON THEM! OFCOURSE SHE'S GOING FOR REVENGE! NOT RANDOM KILLING! that's about all i'll critisize your critisizm.
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Re: A new OC that I've made

Postby Ridder » December 31st, 2010, 12:41 am

Story sucks and is full of grammar and spelling errors.
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Paint image is awesome.
:awe:

There's your MUCH NEEDED CRITICISM.
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"...That's rather cynical."

"It would be if it were doctrine, but it is merely an observation of the nature of reality.
To say that Nothing is True is to realize that the foundations of society are fragile, and that we must be the shephards of our own civilization.
To say that Everything is Permitted is to understand that we are the architects of our actions, and that we must live with the consequences, whether glorious...or tragic."
-Ezio Auditore da Firenze explaining the Creed, 1514, Masayaf.
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