Survivor: Unknown

[MessengerOfDreams]

All Cycle Reviews Stop Now.

[MICrophone]

Oddly enough, that threat has less meaning than you could possibly know…but since I have run out of clever responses, I suppose I am left with no choice.

This felt a bit rushed. Writing was pretty decent, but the story lacks as much flow because you're jumping around so much. Story was all right, but I'm a bit confused about some things. I was under the impression that there was only one immunity idol or whatever it is and that Buff, MOY, and MIC found it earlier, but now there's two? I was a little surprised that you decided Ridder was a boy (referring to it as "he" several times). I thought the best part was the conversation in which four revealed the plan to Kim…that was very well developed and it'll be interesting to see how Kirby reacts later. I also was amused by your inclusion of your feud with LD into this, which was actually really interesting because technically LD's right considering that our characters are not being as responsible as the rest of the team thinks. So your best work ever? No, but pretty solid…8/10.

[MessengerOfDreams]

(Kim/Moy together)

Even as the boat docked on Kirby's side of the island, Kim had been devising another clever scheme for the night's show.

His plan now? Coconut cannon and a coconut milk spray gun.

And yet he had the feeling something was missing......a trigger. He needed the cannon to trigger the spray gun, but how? Radiowaves would work......but that couldn't be right. He wouldn't be able to find a radio circuit and wire on the island, would he?

Yoshi Boo 118 looked up as Kim approached."What did you get?"

Kim jerked his head in Doram's direction.

YB nodded."Anything else?"

Four showed Kirby the idol.

YB smiled. "Perfect.....oh. By the way, Kim, Mode wants to show you something."

Kim grinned."What?"

Mode snuck up to Kim and dumped a basket of fish into his pants.

Kim started wriggling."Get it out! Get it out! Mode, I swear to Go- Heck naw, fish, you better not bite my- OUCH! Okay, I don't mind the first time, but don't do it aga- YOWCH!!!!"

Kim grabbed his crotch and began kicking his bottom."Stupid, slimy, scaly.........I hope they didn't.....OUCH!!"

Kim rushed towards the water, waddling like a penguin as the fish bit him. He dove into the surf, made sure he had privacy, and dumped the fish out into the sea again.

"I'm never eating seafood again", he muttered as he glared at Mode. Yoshi Boo was rolling on the ground laughing.

Kim got out, ran and did his own version of the clothesline on Mode, knocking him to the ground. He added to the moment by saying "Ain't nobody, and I mean NO-BODY, who is ever gonna mess with me like that. EVER. If I ever see your hand on my drawers again, I'ma call you a rapist and have your @$$ hauled off this island by the security, you got that, toolbox?"

Yoshi Boo glared at him. "You worthless, inconsiderate $&*%#." she said with a cold glance, walking away with Mode, who had to get up, shake sand out of his ears, and then walk off defiantly.

Four giggled, leaning on Kim's shoulder. "He got you good," she giggled.

Kim nodded. "I guess."

Four smiled and said "Nice recovery, though."

Kim grinned and said "Well, it was a nice way to introduce Doram to the island, right?"

Four looked around until she saw Doram, laughing with Niklaw and Blablob over an anecodte Blab was telling. "I'll betcha that he's retelling the story about his win in the Reward Challenge."

Kim sighed. "I gotta talk to Kirby."

"Right now?"

"After the challenge." Kim said, hoping they would win.

[Doram]

Well, it's been a while since I had a chance to read this, but I'm caught up now. Overall, you've done a really great job with this MoD. Review of everything since the last time I read...

---

Capturing the essence of Doram: 9/10
I don't think I would flip on my team quite that easily, but otherwise well played.

Fun moments and plot twists: 7/10
Your action sequences are certainly comedic, but not that expressive. Especially in the Runouw's a wimp bits, there could have been more description of exactly how grossed out he was for being spit upon. Plus, I've seen you use extra blank lines and other spacing/formatting tricks to get your point of long waits and such across before, and I thought it was to good effect, and I kinda missed it in the recent episodes. I agree that there was a nice sarcastic edge to "AN HOUR", but it wasn't attributed to anyone (would have played well as Runouw's whining, if you wanted to go in that direction). I'll have to check on the Ridder he/it bit, but I did love the "conversation with himself" bit. Quite funny.

General advice: (If you haven't already...) Watch Total Drama Island. Goldmine. Cartoon Network. GO!

---

Handling MIC IRL: 8/10
MoD, you fell in the trap a bit, but you managed to pull out of it. He's just trying to get a rise out of you. Good job resisting the bait and just ending it. Bonus points for half-joking Brando joke. Good job staying calm.

MIC, please stop poking every animal you find with a stick. You never know when it is just resting, and will leap on your head and claw your eyes out. *mumbles something about wishing people would remember about the bipolar bit...*

If you kids don't start behaving, I swear I will turn this forum around, and we will be going straight home.

[MessengerOfDreams]

OK, here's the thing. I am booked. But instead of letting this die, I propose we turn this into a sort of Community Project. If you are a decent writer (and WILL NOT ruin this or actually will try to write this despite having no experience) then we can go back and forth.

First signer up will finish this leg, and then someone can do the next leg, and so on. I will pop in every so often to do a leg.

[General Guy 101]

I heard talking about having a new assistant.Can I be that new assistant.


7000th POST

[MessengerOfDreams]

1. NO. I've seen your writing, and it really needs work.
2. It's a community of decent writer's project.

[Doram]

I think what MoD meant *pokes MoD hard "Manners!" * is that he would like to consider people who have an established reputation on these forums as good writers first. Your existing work seems to indicate that you are new enough at writing that your writing style would not mesh well with the current established content. Thank you for your interest, and if nobody else comes forward, maybe we can talk.