2012 Halloween Storywriting Contest

[MessengerOfDreams]

I'm sorry what the ♥♥♥♥ am I doing winning and what the ♥♥♥♥ is Tune and Amp doing in 4th.

judging please?

[~MP3 Amplifier~]

I've got mine, here:

My judgings: show

Tune4Toons:

Enjoyment -- 9/10. I really did enjoy this, and it was rather creepy. The way you used the description, described the skin like a cold knife, it really sent shivers down my back. It reminded me of The Hunger Games too... overall, nice writing. There's something really sinister in there too, which reminds me a bit of The Woman In Black too. :3 The first line grabs my attention, but what I loved most is that this was in second person, I don't read many successful stories written in this so it felt quite new.

Grammar -- 5/5. There seems to be no spelling mistakes in this, and the punctuation seems to be fully correct.

Other -- 3/5. I see two main good and bad things personally, and they balance each other out nicely. For example, the onomatopoeia, that was excellent in this, however the sentence structures were very similar throughout and it would've been nice to see some extended, complex ones too.

Overall- 17/20.

---

MessengerOfDreams:

Enjoyment -- 9.25/10. I always love the atmosphere you bring to your stories. Sometimes I feel it goes on too much but you also know how to keep me reading rather than give up. The tension here, for example, really kept me glued to the screen while reading it. :3 I love writing and reading about love because it's a big thing for me, and what I like is the fact you mixed horror and love together. It makes it reeeeeally haunting. So great work!

Grammar -- 4.5/5. I sometimes feel that you used commas a bit too much than it actually was needed, but overall, I saw no spelling mistakes as far as I could see and everything seemed perfectly fine.

Other -- 3.5/5. I loved the language devices you used, they were really used to effect. Also I interpreted your story as being a metaphor, so I suppose that's a huuuge one. :3

Overall- 17.25/20.

---

Whoaaaaa that was close

[MessengerOfDreams]

Thank you.

Also Tune won't be here for a couple of weeks as she is on vacation. You should post hers too.

I'll post mine when I get home.

[~MP3 Amplifier~]

Oh yeah, I was thinking Tune would want to do it herself, then remembered she told me she was gone for sometime. :3

So I'll edit this post in a minute when I have them.

(sorry if I miscalc'd although I wasn't rushing the calculations so I doubt I did)

Tune's judgings: show

Alrighty, so this be a lengthy one because there's so much to say(/critique on)! Hopefully, that should work out alright... :3 (I heard MoD got it done in an hour.... *glares* This one took waaay hour haha XD)

__________

lordpat - The Gold Apple

Enjoyment - 7/10

It's pretty sad; a sad feeling tends to either blend or overtake the horror depending on what the dominant atmosphere he brought out. Good set up: suicides, depressed widow, doctor/priest. My main concern that brought it down is at the Others bit, so that's there. (Horror is hard and tricky! Especially for short passages. XD)

Grammar/Syntax - 4/5
[The sky was grey and the flowers were dead, it seemed as God was also sad because of her loss.], [The sky was more grey, it was quite clear it was going to rain.]

Comma splices, bro. XD Two related sentences, use semicolons [;], not commas. Most common thing I've seen.

[6 months? No, 7 and a half.]

This one's not a commonly spoken guideline, so I won't pick on it too much, but does fall under grammar. At the very least, numbers ten and under should be written out in the letters, not the numeric.

["He was kind" the priest had said]

Speech tag present [had said], so comma after last word in the dialogue

Other - 3/5
[The sky was more grey, it was quite clear it was going to rain.], [She commited suicide about two months ago (she used some kind of poison)]
He had the chance to give us more show, less tell. That's mainly what's been holding the piece back, all this tell and not enough show, a huge writer's quirk that bites back hard. A lot of horror comes from show and leaving it to the readers' imaginations while stirring up their anxiety.

He also needs to be careful when it comes to slipping into an author's/character's voice versus staying with a narrator's voice. [," the priest had said, come on! He left Angela alone, does that sound kind?] Those are separate entities that should be kept separate in third-person. What I did like was how he set up the story, grey skies and contradicting personalities (supposedly humorous but depressing). It shows it can happen to just about anyone. Some nice foreshadowing too, both direct and subtle.

_____________________________

OrangeJuice - /20
_____________________________

Tune4Toons - So You Say

Grammar/Syntax - 4/5 (at the very least because I just found it now haha)

[bashed apart from to shattered]

Missing/awkward wording

_____________________________

KABOOM - The Forest

Enjoyment - 8/10

Heh, I kinda found it funny even though it was a bit rushed; then again, that's what made it funny. XD But the rushed middle still brought it down. He has this funny little choppy style that suits the piece well. Mainly worked except one or two points, but overall enjoyable. Waaay too short, though. (So much more I know he could've added...! Ah well, fun though. ^_^)

Grammar/Syntax 5/5

He's in the clear~!

Other - 4/5

[The boy stood by a path into the forest. His mother had told him not to enter the woods, but the boy thought she was just very worried. The forest scared him, but he wanted to go in to face his fear. He gathered his courage and walked into the forest.]

The forest, the forest, the forest… Gets a bit repetitive when having the same words so close together when it goes for info-giving, not effect-giving. He's also missing some foreshadowing, something to subtly hint out it was the trees. So eyes, growl beside him, turning around to see only a tree…stuff like that. :3

_____________________________

Karyete - ?/20

This one too?

_____________________________

I shall actually be doing a little more focus on this one yah. :3 I suck at horror myself, but everything below goes beyond genre alone, so it can still be applied anywhere else.

MP3 - Purity

Enjoyable - 8/10

Main concrits on the bottom as usual. I like how you did a lot of the chopped word-play for effect, like the one at the end for example; that's a big-yes element for horror. But there were just as many moments when wordplay did not work either. That's all gonna be down below here.

Grammar/Syntax - 4.5/5

[I can only scar you.” The other ghost replied], [“THIS.” He cried]

Speech tag present [replied]/[cried], so comma after [you] and [THIS], not a period.

Other - 3/5

Gotta be careful here, because the way it is with the long lengths of dialogue (especially with the very beginning) and having readers with no clue what's going on or where the characters are at, it makes it hard to -imagine- what's happening when it's just someone talking (which can also be mistaken for first-person narration as well had it not been for the quotation marks). So what's missing would be a lot of the description: who (what they look like), where (give us a bit of imagery: where are they at? An abandoned house? Cemetery? So on. And into more depth: placement. Where are they standing at? Leaning on a wall? Near a painting? Floating beside a grave? Etc.) and when (night, I'm assuming). Description plays a huge factor in horror because of what you mention and what you don't mention, but if there isn't enough description to begin with to determine what you purposely decided to not show the readers, then it lacks the emotional punch you can potentially accomplish.
Like where did the scissors come from, for example. We aren't giving enough about where they are at or their situation to see the scissors as not being a sudden "Huh?" kind of throw-in.

[The murderer turned his back on him. A mistake only stupidity can bring.]

Relating to the note above, these lines are a great example of how description can bring an emotional punch. It's like "Whoa, stupidity in back-turning? What's gonna happen?" Here, you managed to bring anxiety there with the right places to show and tell where it is needed (since of course, it's not supposed to be all show 24/7)

[Don’t tell me you can’t feel the warmth of the scarlet massacre exceeding below you.]

Words don't need to be fancy, a quick little titbit to share. Even the simplest of phrases can pack a big punch depending on how they're used. Like here and parts of the same dialogue it can from, the flowery language may have worked against you because it sent the wrong atmosphere from what you wanted to accomplish; that kind of word-play actually came off more dreamscape than haunted IMO.

[left him in torture on the ground]

There, I'd recommend show, not tell, and all this still falls under description. Show us how the state he was in (to an extent, of course). Was he cringing? Red pooled around? Any squealing/crying (light or loud)/screaming? Eye-widening images while utilising the readers' imagination.

_____________________________

Bomberman101 - Untitled

Enjoyable - 6/10

It has its strong points, but a lot of the time, the wording gets a bit too awkward to feel the effect he was going for. The ending as well, like he mentioned, doesn't fit with the story and is rushed.

Grammar/Syntax - 2.5/5

[night..], ["This boy is not human..!'']

Ellipses, never two. Three periods

[Wallace said,''I'm certain]
[Wallace said,''I'm...]
[Wallace said,''Wha-]

Space needed between the [said,] and the dialogue

[put your hands up!'' A cop said.], [''Is he... Dead?'' The coated police man said], ["This boy is not human..!'' They yelled.]

Speech tag present [said], so first word after the dialogue ends [A]/[The]/[They] should not be capitalised.

[He starred at his knife, it's been 4 years already.]

Comma splice, so either separate with a period or semicolon [;]. Spell out numbers under ten. [stared], not [starred]

[He has been discovered], [He arrives at a nuclear reactor]

Tense slip - everything was in past tense except a few parts like this, which was in present

[First off, i'd like to say]

[I] should be capitalised...

Other - 2.5/5

[Wallace said,''I'm... I CAN'T SAY HOW FURIOUS I AM!!!!'' The boy simply walked towards Wallace and took out his knife.
Wallace said,''Wh- What are y-'' Wallace didn't finish as the boy stabbed his chest and killed him. Wallace fell to the floor, and the boy threw him back into the woods, where Kyle was. ]

It gets a little awkward at a lot of parts… Like up here where he says, "Wallace said" twice when he didn't need to, and the dialogue mixed with the actual actions doesn't seem to match. The caps tend to distract as well. Hard to describe everything right upfront though…

[Over a year ago... In a dark forest on Halloween night.. There rests a boy.]

Quick note - He actually doesn't need so many ellipse to go for the effect he was looking for. (In all honesty, he can get away with not having most of them at all.)

[First off, i'd like to say that this boy]

Slips from spoken story-telling and written story-telling, so author's voice shouldn't be mixing with narrator (unless he was going for the twist where the narrator is actually first-person narrator "telling" a story in third, but he didn't do that, so...)

_____________________________

Yoshi Boo 118 - Resonance

Enjoyable - 8.5/10

He has a strong grasp of imagery distinguishable voice in his first-person's persona. It's easy to imagine everything, and crabs? Wha—? XD The font change at the doesn't really affect much, as words themselves should be more than enough. (I'm pretty traditionalist so text font visuals—except bolding and italics—don't affect anything except readability.)

Grammar/Syntax - 4.5/5

[And after some time, the man in question finally arrived, those unmistakable glasses and that hazard suit made me sure of it]

Comma splice [arrived,], so either period or semicolon, not comma.

[when a one of the haywire]

Quick edit check - extra word

Other - 4/5

[elongated halls of the facility that I had worked at for years], [And after some time, the man in question finally arrived, those unmistakable glasses and that hazard suit made me sure of it], (*insert scene of crushed head here*)

He has a good grasp on show-versus-tell along with some nice descriptions in there. Enough as a guideline for imagery, but not too specific to let the readers use their imaginations. Good stuff.

[Such sentences such as “The administrator has said to boost the Spectrometer’s power up to 110%”, and something about “disabling safety features”…such words unnerved me. Such]

Such, such, such… [Such] can be a -really- jarring word, especially when used a lot. He doesn't actually need to say [such] that often to sound sophisticated; it all comes from the content of what his character is talking about and how that knowledge is projected, not just accents.

[It was only seconds before I went past the glass of the observation room, to behind the nearby metallic walls in the next room, when a one of the haywire energy beams shot straight through the observation glass, breaking it, and exploded into the room where I had just left.]

This one's more of an IMO/Food-for-thought kind of note, but he might want to consider keeping an eye on his pacing too. High-action scenes usually compliment choppy, short sentences and not so much of the long ones because long sentences slow down the pace of a story while short ones speed it up.

_____________________________

KevinOC - Untitled

Enjoyable - 7.5?/10

Err...uh...um... I'm actually teetering between saying he had some moments of strong points in his writing and asking what the heck it is he was trying to do to us readers. XD That alone scared me, actually (the only story to scare me like that haha). So scare factors? Waaay up there.

Grammar/Syntax - 3.5/5

[Why must the first date always be the most difficult? wondered the starry-eyed young man]

Italics on thoughts

["Apres avoir, mon doux petit ange. ~ "]

* Should be: "Après toi, mon petit ange doux." He should at least do proper French. Si toi utiliserais le français, faites correctement!!!

["yeah"]

* "Yeah."

[huehue"], [OOOOM"]

* Needs period at the end of dialogue

[groceries." Azn yelled from]

Speech tag [yelled], so comma not period after last word in dialogue

Other - 2.5/5

What is this I don't even… It starts off like a nice story, then the middle... Yeah. Does he usually do this? XD

_____________________________

MoD - Reflection in Pink

Enjoyable - 9/10

(Okay, that's not fair. IKNOWEXACTLYWHERETOFINDTHEOTHERCOPYOFTHIS
ANDWHICHCOPYCAMEFIRST! But then there's -why- too…) I don't have a lot to say on this, really… It's not the story; it's written well. I don't think I'm the proper person to judge this one, sorry… Critiques on the bottom though.

Grammar/Syntax - 4.5/5

[Eventually, I become angry, give up and leave.]

Listing - comma after [up]

Other - 4.5/5

(...It feels weird critiquing this one because I didn't do it last time haha.) He has a smooth transition, especially between time intervals. Strong first-person voice.

[wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong], [beautiful, majestic, adventurous, brilliant words]

Rule of three would work better there, methinks. The rest of the repetition elements he went with worked out, but these ones in particular didn't for me.

________

And that's all from my end.

EDIT: K added now. :3

[Yoshi Boo 118]

Well, 2nd's nothing to complain about.

[MessengerOfDreams]

My judgings were... considerably... shorter, lol.

Lordpat

More like LordCliche. Look, it was written pretty well and gave some amount of fear but damn if we haven't heard this story before, and it didn't sport as unique of a writing take to make it worth the retread. 11.5/20

Oranj

I shouldn't have laughed since I've seen a million of these but I cracked up at the part of Mars at the mp3 part, and your phrasing was generally funny. So I'll give you a 13/20

Tune

General amount of ♥♥♥♥ and anxiety-inducing is definitely satisfactory. Your use of short sentences and the rushed feeling it gave was also nice, and the impassive tone was the most stomach-turning part of all. It still feels a bit lacking in context and reason to exist, and essentially felt like a really nicely worded chain email, but as it stands still a good effort. 16/20

Kaboom

YOU SNEAKY ♥♥♥♥. The twist ending was just off my feet epic, and I liked the sort of simplistic fairy tale tone you gave it. You do that a lot, and I like it. Simplicity pays off! 17/20

Amp

Brilliantly rendered. Intense mood, excellent writing with a distinct old world, weary feel with a passive tone that just makes it both sad and scary in a visceral way. Last line was excellent. 17/20

Bomberman

Started off pretty good, with a typical slasher murderer that actually seems pretty scary, set in a stereotypical dark forest that feels pretty real to me despite it all, and overall with a gripping atmosphere. The ending, however, was rushed and the whole MURDER EVERYONE thing needed some expansion in order to not sound incredulous. 15/20

Yoshi Boo 118

Course I'd have to download something on this ♥♥♥♥. Ah well, much worth the read. The mood you captured was so intense, by far the best of the bunch. You're an excellent writer as well, with the character's writing being believable, with sort of a static tone I'd expect from one of his profession until finally he begins to break down. The alien idea was captured vividly and believably- a bit stereotypical, but all the same gripping. The text thing was frigging epic, and flies with me. Overall, looks like you're getting a second year of victory. 18/20 Also, first thing this made me think of.

Kevin

I laughed hard, so many times, and the plot twist was hilarious as well. 16.5/20

[KABOOM]

3rd place for a sucky story I wrote for school. Not bad.

[Raz]

Kevin should have been 3rd.

Anyways Tune has a lot to learn about kevin.

[KevinOC]

Tsu and I are wingmen for life

[lordpat]

My judgings were... considerably... shorter, lol.

Lordpat

More like LordCliche. Look, it was written pretty well and gave some amount of fear but damn if we haven't heard this story before, and it didn't sport as unique of a writing take to make it worth the retread. 11.5/20

Eh....pardon? I have never read that story before.