Rules of Arguing for Friends on the Internet
Posted: October 18th, 2010, 8:04 pmEverybody Gets Mad Sometimes
There are a lot of times in your life where you get mad. This is normal. Those times usually feature some kind of argument between the people involved, and often people who aren't involved. This is also unfortunately normal. Many times, these arguments end in nothing more than a lot of hurt feelings, and no real solution to the problem. This, sadly, is also normal.
Now, though this is all normal, this is not how it has to be. Everyone is allowed to be mad, but it is not good neighborly behavior to take it out on anybody, including the person at fault. The reason for this is simple. Screaming rage at somebody does not solve problems. You are not telling them effectively what they did wrong. You are not telling them effectively what they could do to make things better. In one shot, you are letting your feelings get in the way of solving the problem, and hurting them so that their feelings can get in the way of solving the problem too.
Now, you may feel nervous about talking about your feelings, but if you truly want to makes things better, this is no time to be holding back, and if you do not want to do it in public with chat or posts, then you can always address this with PMs.
To make the situation worse, this is the internet. We cannot see, hear, or use any other sense to understand each other, which most professionals agree is actually the majority of communication. Also, there is a wide range of skill levels and maturity levels involved, due to the range of ages of the people who frequent the site, which makes thing even more complicated. While this impersonal, varied, and neutral nature has made the internet a good place for people to act more freely, without fear of instant rejection, it also limits how deep our interactions can be, unless certain steps are taken.
Furthermore, for anyone in a position of authority on the internet, like us moderators, we are put in harm's way as a part of our job. We are required to get in the middle of every disagreement in our area of responsibility, and that means many more chances to get mad and/or hurt and deal with others that are mad and hurt too. So, these rules all go for us too.
Generally, to help with situations like this, there have been a number of "Rules of Arguing" that have been authored over the years. Most self-help books will cover the topic, and it is big business in the dating relationship advice arena. I propose a set of Rules of Arguing for Friends on the Internet here. People have complained that this place is getting hostile, and I hope this can help.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Rules of Arguing for Friends on the Internet
1. Once you start, do all that you can to finish.
Agree to keep talking until the problem is resolved or both people respectfully agree to take a break because of a deadlock. Schedule a firm time to resume the discussion, if possible.
Unfortunately, this is not always possible, even if things are going well. If you need to take a break, write down the date and time, and if possible get a chat permalink, or if this is happening in posts, bookmark the post. When you come back both people should reread what was said last time, to make sure nothing is missed.
2. No screaming.
As I said before, screaming gets in the way of communicating effectively because it is little more than venting feelings, and not actually providing constructive expression. Even if people do not understand, they are still reading your words. You already have an audience. Keep it respectable and civilized.
This includes all use of all-caps, size, font, and color to emphasize your words. It may not seem like it, but it can psychologically seem like everyone is equal when they all use the same formatting for their text, and unequal when they don't.
3. Don't follow people to take the fight to other websites.
The argument you are having started on this website, and should be finished here. All of the records of what happened are here, and all of the affects of what happened are felt strongest here.
For those of you wishing to use this list for something other than the internet, this rule was originally " Don't touch (or otherwise be physical)", and warned that "You each need your own space to listen, be heard, and work things out in your own minds. Even an arm around the shoulder can feel domineering at times." But the idea is the same.
When people retreat, do not follow. Many people will retreat to another favorite site as their personal space to get some distance, or talk to other people who might be sympathetic. They are taking the space they need to calm down and come back as a rational calm person. Allow them that distance.
4. Any subject is fair game.
Be open to people asking or commenting on something other than the immediate problem at hand, unless it violates one of the other rules here. You may not even know what has actually made you mad until this is all talked out. Many times, the source of the problem has nothing to do with the site at all. It is all too easy to let personal problems become internet problems. Someone was mean to you today, so you go online already mad, and blow up about something minor. Be open to talking about your offline life, and maybe the real problem can be found.
5. No name calling.
Referring to your discussion partner a cold, cruel, manipulative *%!^# won't score you any points for originality, nor will it provide the safe forum for further learning and growth. Nothing ends a discussion faster than the deafening silence that comes after you've offended someone.
Swearing in general, in fact, is usually counterproductive. This goes along with the no screaming rule, where you are limiting the conversation by not expressing yourself properly.
6. Don't intentionally put the person down.
Deliberately saying things to hurt another's feelings is downright malicious and oppressive. You don't have to be cruel to be kind. Self-restraint is the better part of valor, as well as gentleness and understanding. The vast majority of things that make you mad boil down to when you feel like you are not being respected or listened to. You do not want to be ignored or told what you think doesn't matter, so don't do it to the person you are talking to.
7. Don't Lecture.
Nobody wants to be told 'You should …" People yearn to be engaged as equals in conversation, not preached to. Yes, you may obviously think that you know a better way for the other person to be doing things, but you should not give that advice unless they ask for it. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. Even if you are right about the better way, the other person has to be open to it, otherwise it is more wasted effort that doesn't solve the problem.
8. Keep it simple.
Discuss one subject at a time. You may understand how one situation or event relates to another, but the other person might not. Don't confuse things by trying to explain these relationships or expecting them to see things as you do. Also, don't make this a complaint session. Dealing with this one problem is not license to deal with all the other problems you have with the person. Unless you can logically link the actions together into one solid problem, do not branch out. And if you do see it as one large problem, say so, and see if they are willing to address that. If they do not agree with your logic, or that anything else is connected, do not force the issue, because that will stop progress on solving anything. Work on the smaller immediate issue if that is all they are willing/capable of handling.
9. Let the other person have a chance to speak.
This isn't the time to dazzle your friend or partner with rhetoric and the filibuster skills you learned in the debate club. Give him or her a chance to communicate with you. Again, you want to be heard, so you should do the same for them. Remember, even if the person is acting wrong, they are still allowed to feel what they are feeling, and to express those feelings. They are just not allowed to take it out on others by being abusive or manipulative.
10. Listen.
When the other person is talking, try and figure out what that person was thinking and feeling when they said it. Read the words multiple times if necessary, and think about both what they mean to the other person, and how they make you feel. Give the conversation the attention it deserves, if you seriously want it to help the situation.
11. Describe what you're feeling.
Don't assume that the other person knows. Own your feelings and share them. Feeling your feelings is important for dealing with them. Having those feelings respected by others is important too. Even if they do not agree, they cannot affect you unless you let them, and the same goes for them. Feelings are usually the underlying reason we do things, so putting them consciously and actively into the situation will help everyone understand what is truly going on, so that a real and lasting solution can be found.
12. Allow the other person to have his/her own feelings.
Try to recognize them by being alert, aware, and compassionate. Everything in #11 applies to the other person too.
13. Don't tell the other party what they're feeling.
It doesn't do any good to exhibit your aptitude for mind-reading. Avoid enlightening your discussion-mate with your perceived version of what they're thinking and believing. If you are wrong, it tends to aggravate people a lot. Instead, if you do think you know what is going on, confirm it by asking them to state as specifically and thoroughly as possible how they feel, and work from there.
14. Talk only about the here and now.
Bringing ancient events into the discussion doesn't help. Use history for reference only – as a time line – instead of rehashing those events that cannot be changed. The past is past, and the only thing you can control is what happens from now on. Apologies are all fine and dandy, but if the future actions are not different, then the apology meant nothing. By the same logic, it is in everyone's best interests to deal with things as they are now and going forward, so that mistakes and offenses are not repeated. That is why you are having this conversation in the first place. Also, as in #8, bringing up past issues only confuses the situation. The goal is to simplify and solve. Just deal with what you are looking at.
15. Leave 'others' out of the dialogue.
'They' have a way of complicating things. Keep your communications on a one-to-one level. This keeps you focused on what matters to each of you, and makes it simpler to solve the problem. If others have chosen sides, then that is their issue with you or the other person, and can be dealt with separately, or by extension through them seeing how you both handle things. And if others have committed similar or related acts because of the argument that is going on, that should be a matter brought to each of them, separately, and unconnected to the conversation going on right now. If you have a problem with a person, you bring it directly to them, and try to resolve it peaceably. If they cannot or will not, then take it to a higher authority (PM a mod). The job of any authority figure is to mediate if possible, and act when necessary, and this is the only exception to this rule.
16. Don't be a 'yes man.'
This isn't the time to suck up by acting the role of the team player. Agreement must be genuine, not compromised for the sake of false harmony. This always backfires, because you are still not happy with the situation, and now you are frustrated with having to pretend that you are. You bottle it up until you explode, and then you have an incident on your hands. Bad. Idea.
17. Don't just say "no" repeatedly.
It is too easy to simply oppose ideas or to just say "NO!" It is a sure sign that you are not taking the time to stop and think about what is going on with you and the other person. It's much more difficult and productive, to do the heavy lifting of understanding the other's position and finding common ground in your opposing views.
If you feel yourself hitting the point where you just want to scream "NO!" and bash the computer, say "Wait.", and take a moment to think about why you are feeling that way. Try and explain what you are feeling, or if you are just too angry to think straight, say so. Heck, just saying that might help. If you cannot calm down, walk away. If necessary, walk away for a whole day, but take the space you need. As in rule #3, sometimes that space is necessary to understand what is going on. This is ultimately what bans are supposed to accomplish, but you are capable of taking that time yourself without needing it to be forced upon you. Just tell the truth: "I am too angry to talk about this any more, and I need some time to think." Per rule #1 think for a second about when you can continue, if possible, even if it is just the next time you see the other person, but otherwise stop looking at it, thinking about it, talking about it, or trying to do something about it. Walk away, and come back fresh next time.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
As has been mentioned before, we all care a lot about this place, and that makes things a little intense at times. It means that we are all trying to love this place at the same time in our own unique ways, and sometimes, oddly enough, that can cause problems. Remember, you can only truly hate what you truly love. Think about that when you get really mad at someone or something. There are a lot of intense and passionate feelings going into every chat, post, story, artwork, and level that is put on this site, and those feelings have to be taken into account. Ultimately, it means that we are working on our relationships as friends, and that takes time and effort. And it takes the most time and effort when problems arise, and arguments start.
Differences of opinion can arise in any relationship, especially truly healthy ones. Furthermore, misunderstandings have a way of perpetuating themselves. But when misinterpretations and disagreements are worked through, relationships will grow closer, more expressive, and deeply meaningful. This only happens, however, when respect, compassion, and forgiveness are the cornerstones of any give-and-take.
Adapted from a list of rules for arguing for couples on the Dumb Little Man: Rules for Life website by David B. Bohl, author of the Slow Down Fast blog.
There are a lot of times in your life where you get mad. This is normal. Those times usually feature some kind of argument between the people involved, and often people who aren't involved. This is also unfortunately normal. Many times, these arguments end in nothing more than a lot of hurt feelings, and no real solution to the problem. This, sadly, is also normal.
Now, though this is all normal, this is not how it has to be. Everyone is allowed to be mad, but it is not good neighborly behavior to take it out on anybody, including the person at fault. The reason for this is simple. Screaming rage at somebody does not solve problems. You are not telling them effectively what they did wrong. You are not telling them effectively what they could do to make things better. In one shot, you are letting your feelings get in the way of solving the problem, and hurting them so that their feelings can get in the way of solving the problem too.
Now, you may feel nervous about talking about your feelings, but if you truly want to makes things better, this is no time to be holding back, and if you do not want to do it in public with chat or posts, then you can always address this with PMs.
To make the situation worse, this is the internet. We cannot see, hear, or use any other sense to understand each other, which most professionals agree is actually the majority of communication. Also, there is a wide range of skill levels and maturity levels involved, due to the range of ages of the people who frequent the site, which makes thing even more complicated. While this impersonal, varied, and neutral nature has made the internet a good place for people to act more freely, without fear of instant rejection, it also limits how deep our interactions can be, unless certain steps are taken.
Furthermore, for anyone in a position of authority on the internet, like us moderators, we are put in harm's way as a part of our job. We are required to get in the middle of every disagreement in our area of responsibility, and that means many more chances to get mad and/or hurt and deal with others that are mad and hurt too. So, these rules all go for us too.
Generally, to help with situations like this, there have been a number of "Rules of Arguing" that have been authored over the years. Most self-help books will cover the topic, and it is big business in the dating relationship advice arena. I propose a set of Rules of Arguing for Friends on the Internet here. People have complained that this place is getting hostile, and I hope this can help.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Rules of Arguing for Friends on the Internet
1. Once you start, do all that you can to finish.
Agree to keep talking until the problem is resolved or both people respectfully agree to take a break because of a deadlock. Schedule a firm time to resume the discussion, if possible.
Unfortunately, this is not always possible, even if things are going well. If you need to take a break, write down the date and time, and if possible get a chat permalink, or if this is happening in posts, bookmark the post. When you come back both people should reread what was said last time, to make sure nothing is missed.
2. No screaming.
As I said before, screaming gets in the way of communicating effectively because it is little more than venting feelings, and not actually providing constructive expression. Even if people do not understand, they are still reading your words. You already have an audience. Keep it respectable and civilized.
This includes all use of all-caps, size, font, and color to emphasize your words. It may not seem like it, but it can psychologically seem like everyone is equal when they all use the same formatting for their text, and unequal when they don't.
3. Don't follow people to take the fight to other websites.
The argument you are having started on this website, and should be finished here. All of the records of what happened are here, and all of the affects of what happened are felt strongest here.
For those of you wishing to use this list for something other than the internet, this rule was originally " Don't touch (or otherwise be physical)", and warned that "You each need your own space to listen, be heard, and work things out in your own minds. Even an arm around the shoulder can feel domineering at times." But the idea is the same.
When people retreat, do not follow. Many people will retreat to another favorite site as their personal space to get some distance, or talk to other people who might be sympathetic. They are taking the space they need to calm down and come back as a rational calm person. Allow them that distance.
4. Any subject is fair game.
Be open to people asking or commenting on something other than the immediate problem at hand, unless it violates one of the other rules here. You may not even know what has actually made you mad until this is all talked out. Many times, the source of the problem has nothing to do with the site at all. It is all too easy to let personal problems become internet problems. Someone was mean to you today, so you go online already mad, and blow up about something minor. Be open to talking about your offline life, and maybe the real problem can be found.
5. No name calling.
Referring to your discussion partner a cold, cruel, manipulative *%!^# won't score you any points for originality, nor will it provide the safe forum for further learning and growth. Nothing ends a discussion faster than the deafening silence that comes after you've offended someone.
Swearing in general, in fact, is usually counterproductive. This goes along with the no screaming rule, where you are limiting the conversation by not expressing yourself properly.
6. Don't intentionally put the person down.
Deliberately saying things to hurt another's feelings is downright malicious and oppressive. You don't have to be cruel to be kind. Self-restraint is the better part of valor, as well as gentleness and understanding. The vast majority of things that make you mad boil down to when you feel like you are not being respected or listened to. You do not want to be ignored or told what you think doesn't matter, so don't do it to the person you are talking to.
7. Don't Lecture.
Nobody wants to be told 'You should …" People yearn to be engaged as equals in conversation, not preached to. Yes, you may obviously think that you know a better way for the other person to be doing things, but you should not give that advice unless they ask for it. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. Even if you are right about the better way, the other person has to be open to it, otherwise it is more wasted effort that doesn't solve the problem.
8. Keep it simple.
Discuss one subject at a time. You may understand how one situation or event relates to another, but the other person might not. Don't confuse things by trying to explain these relationships or expecting them to see things as you do. Also, don't make this a complaint session. Dealing with this one problem is not license to deal with all the other problems you have with the person. Unless you can logically link the actions together into one solid problem, do not branch out. And if you do see it as one large problem, say so, and see if they are willing to address that. If they do not agree with your logic, or that anything else is connected, do not force the issue, because that will stop progress on solving anything. Work on the smaller immediate issue if that is all they are willing/capable of handling.
9. Let the other person have a chance to speak.
This isn't the time to dazzle your friend or partner with rhetoric and the filibuster skills you learned in the debate club. Give him or her a chance to communicate with you. Again, you want to be heard, so you should do the same for them. Remember, even if the person is acting wrong, they are still allowed to feel what they are feeling, and to express those feelings. They are just not allowed to take it out on others by being abusive or manipulative.
10. Listen.
When the other person is talking, try and figure out what that person was thinking and feeling when they said it. Read the words multiple times if necessary, and think about both what they mean to the other person, and how they make you feel. Give the conversation the attention it deserves, if you seriously want it to help the situation.
11. Describe what you're feeling.
Don't assume that the other person knows. Own your feelings and share them. Feeling your feelings is important for dealing with them. Having those feelings respected by others is important too. Even if they do not agree, they cannot affect you unless you let them, and the same goes for them. Feelings are usually the underlying reason we do things, so putting them consciously and actively into the situation will help everyone understand what is truly going on, so that a real and lasting solution can be found.
12. Allow the other person to have his/her own feelings.
Try to recognize them by being alert, aware, and compassionate. Everything in #11 applies to the other person too.
13. Don't tell the other party what they're feeling.
It doesn't do any good to exhibit your aptitude for mind-reading. Avoid enlightening your discussion-mate with your perceived version of what they're thinking and believing. If you are wrong, it tends to aggravate people a lot. Instead, if you do think you know what is going on, confirm it by asking them to state as specifically and thoroughly as possible how they feel, and work from there.
14. Talk only about the here and now.
Bringing ancient events into the discussion doesn't help. Use history for reference only – as a time line – instead of rehashing those events that cannot be changed. The past is past, and the only thing you can control is what happens from now on. Apologies are all fine and dandy, but if the future actions are not different, then the apology meant nothing. By the same logic, it is in everyone's best interests to deal with things as they are now and going forward, so that mistakes and offenses are not repeated. That is why you are having this conversation in the first place. Also, as in #8, bringing up past issues only confuses the situation. The goal is to simplify and solve. Just deal with what you are looking at.
15. Leave 'others' out of the dialogue.
'They' have a way of complicating things. Keep your communications on a one-to-one level. This keeps you focused on what matters to each of you, and makes it simpler to solve the problem. If others have chosen sides, then that is their issue with you or the other person, and can be dealt with separately, or by extension through them seeing how you both handle things. And if others have committed similar or related acts because of the argument that is going on, that should be a matter brought to each of them, separately, and unconnected to the conversation going on right now. If you have a problem with a person, you bring it directly to them, and try to resolve it peaceably. If they cannot or will not, then take it to a higher authority (PM a mod). The job of any authority figure is to mediate if possible, and act when necessary, and this is the only exception to this rule.
16. Don't be a 'yes man.'
This isn't the time to suck up by acting the role of the team player. Agreement must be genuine, not compromised for the sake of false harmony. This always backfires, because you are still not happy with the situation, and now you are frustrated with having to pretend that you are. You bottle it up until you explode, and then you have an incident on your hands. Bad. Idea.
17. Don't just say "no" repeatedly.
It is too easy to simply oppose ideas or to just say "NO!" It is a sure sign that you are not taking the time to stop and think about what is going on with you and the other person. It's much more difficult and productive, to do the heavy lifting of understanding the other's position and finding common ground in your opposing views.
If you feel yourself hitting the point where you just want to scream "NO!" and bash the computer, say "Wait.", and take a moment to think about why you are feeling that way. Try and explain what you are feeling, or if you are just too angry to think straight, say so. Heck, just saying that might help. If you cannot calm down, walk away. If necessary, walk away for a whole day, but take the space you need. As in rule #3, sometimes that space is necessary to understand what is going on. This is ultimately what bans are supposed to accomplish, but you are capable of taking that time yourself without needing it to be forced upon you. Just tell the truth: "I am too angry to talk about this any more, and I need some time to think." Per rule #1 think for a second about when you can continue, if possible, even if it is just the next time you see the other person, but otherwise stop looking at it, thinking about it, talking about it, or trying to do something about it. Walk away, and come back fresh next time.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
As has been mentioned before, we all care a lot about this place, and that makes things a little intense at times. It means that we are all trying to love this place at the same time in our own unique ways, and sometimes, oddly enough, that can cause problems. Remember, you can only truly hate what you truly love. Think about that when you get really mad at someone or something. There are a lot of intense and passionate feelings going into every chat, post, story, artwork, and level that is put on this site, and those feelings have to be taken into account. Ultimately, it means that we are working on our relationships as friends, and that takes time and effort. And it takes the most time and effort when problems arise, and arguments start.
Differences of opinion can arise in any relationship, especially truly healthy ones. Furthermore, misunderstandings have a way of perpetuating themselves. But when misinterpretations and disagreements are worked through, relationships will grow closer, more expressive, and deeply meaningful. This only happens, however, when respect, compassion, and forgiveness are the cornerstones of any give-and-take.
Adapted from a list of rules for arguing for couples on the Dumb Little Man: Rules for Life website by David B. Bohl, author of the Slow Down Fast blog.
), then this should go straight to the news.