Mario Magic Tower Quest

[Worst_master]

It is a lot better! I will not believe Yoshikid69 forever!
1. The stupid starting
When Mario is small, he is very stupid, his father tell him to "Magic tower" to train him.
Location: Mushroom Kingdom, Goomba Road No.1, Mario's House
Time: 12:00 noon
Father Mario: I've told you that today you need to go to Magic Tower to training! Wake up!
Small Mario: ZZZ
Father Mario: (Angry) WAKE UP!
Small Mario: Let me to sleep one more hour.....
Father Mario: Before one hour, you've said that you need to sleep one hour, I will not believe you!
Father Mario takes a whip to lash his son
Small Mario: Ahhhhh..... Are you crazy? Father?
Father Mario: I've told you to wake up......
Small Mario: Okay......
Small Mario to bathroom and tidy his face, brush with teeth...... And go to his toilet.
Father Mario: (Cover his nose) Why you still in your toilet? Change your clothes! You need to eat lunch now!
Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu................uuuuuuuuuuuuuuupppp
(Noise in toilet)
Mario's Brother: Luigi: Wow! You are so smelly! Hahahaha!
Father Mario: Luigi!
Luigi: What?
Father Mario: You need to go to Magic tower with Mario!
Luigi: Noooo!
Father: Yes!
Luigi: Noooo!
Father: Yes!
Luigi: Noooo!
Father: Yes!
Luigi: Noooo!
Father: Yes!
Luigi: Noooo!
Father: Yes!

.
.
.
.
.
.
Luigi: Yes!
Father: No!
Luigi: Yes!
Father: No!
Luigi: Yes!
Father: No!
Luigi: You got cheated! I don't need to go!
Father Mario: Who said? You still need to go!
Luigi:......
Location: Mushroom Kingdom, Goomba Road
Mario: What is it?
Luigi: A book! Oh.... it is a enemy book!
Mario: Let me see...... what? Goomba? Bowser? Why that look like I’ve heard "bowser" this name.......
Luigi: Let me tell you, it is a treasure; some stupid guy put it in here...... You can know enemy's damage, hp, defence...... it is the best things for beginner![/color]
***Enemy Booklet*** Lv.1
Name Dmg Def Hp Xp Gp Lv Special (Sp) Mp Kill cost=
Mario: 10 10 1000 0 0 1 Spin attack 10 N/A[/color]
Luigi: 8 12 1000 0 0 1 Spin attack 10 N/A[/color]
Goomba: 15 0 50 5 0 1 Goomba bite 10 For Mario: 20 For Luigi: 15
Father: 25 10 1500 0 0 2 Whip Lash 10 N/A
Luigi: why that we have no xp and gp, also, we are enemy?[/color]
Mario: Oh, this book is My father's book! Shhhhhhh...... We have no xp and gp because my father didn't give money to me......
Let we kill the goomba now!
Mario and Luigi VS Goomba
Mario hit goomba, goomba decrease 10 hp
Luigi use spin attack, goomba decrease 16 hp
Goomba hit Mario, Mario decrease 5 hp
Mario hit goomba, goomba decrease 10 hp
Luigi hit goomba,goomba decrease 8 hp
Goomba hit Mario, Mario decrease 5 hp
Mario hit goomba, goomba decrease 10 hp
Mario and Luigi win! Goomba defeated
Now:
Mario: 10 10 990 5 0 1 Spin attack 10 N/A
Luigi: 8 12 1000 5 0 1 Spin attack 9 N/A
Luigi: Why that I lose one Mp?
Mario: Because you used spin attack, it’s a special hit.
Goomba: ahhh..... You... are Mario?
Mario: Yes![/color]
Goomba: I can be your friend! I can help you......
Goomba: My name is tom! Nice to meet you! View the enemy booklet now!
Mario: 10 10 990 5 0 1 Spin attack 10 N/A
Luigi: 8 12 1000 5 0 1 Spin attack 9 N/A
Goomba Tom: 15 0 (Get defeated, renewing)1 5 0 1 Goomba bite 10


End of Part 1

[YoshiKid54]

Kind of hard to understand. You could have put some color on the characters like:
Mario: I save Peach!
Peach: Thank you Mario.

[Ridder]

General Thought:......

Rating: 0 out of 10

Decision:Script Fale.

[Kimonio]

Colors make your eyes almost want to cry blood. Get rid of the colors and make them basic, no matter what Yoshikid said. X_X



Your grammar could still use some work, but I'll cut you some slack, considering my hypothesis that you don't live in England or the US.


The story just don't have good description. There isn't any comedy, and that is what I look forward to when I read chat stories.


So I'd have to say a 3/10 for this one.

[Canine]

Not many interesting parts...Just like a chatbox. >_>

[YoshiKid54]

Well I use color in my stories. They are to indicate the characters! Keep the colors! Colors FTW! If you don't put color in a script, it will be harder to tell who's speaking. However they are not necessary in all types of stories.

Oh and yes, improve your grammar. This will help you make more stories in the future.

[Worst_master]

Colors make your eyes almost want to cry blood. Get rid of the colors and make them basic, no matter what Yoshikid said. X_X



Your grammar could still use some work, but I'll cut you some slack, considering my hypothesis that you don't live in England or the US.


The story just don't have good description. There isn't any comedy, and that is what I look forward to when I read chat stories.


So I'd have to say a 3/10 for this one.

Not hypothesis , I am really not live in England or Us, english is not my main language........
I will try to make them more interesting.......
2. Mario, Luigi, Goomba walked to the town.....
Location: Mushroom kingdom town
Time: 12:30 Afternoon
Luigi: Why don’t we buy the weapon? If we don’t buy it...... we will gdead in that tower easily!
Mario: We don’t have money......
Tom Goomba: But I have! You want what?
Mario: Golden Sword!
Luigi: Golden Armor!
Tom Goomba: But I don’t have so much money......
Koopa Shopkeeper: ....but you can buy a wood shield and a wood sword......also you can buy a mini mixed vial! Then, you will cost all of your money......
Wood Shield: +10 def
Wood Sword: +10 dmg
Mini Mixed Vial: +3 dmg,3 def and 100 hp
Mario: Okay! I take the wood sword, you take the wood sword
***Enemy Booklet***
Mario: 20 10 990 5 0 1 Spin attack 10 N/A
Luigi: 8 22 1000 5 0 1 Spin attack 9 N/A
Goomba Tom: 18 3 101 1 5 0 1 Goomba bite 10 N/A
Goomba Tom: Okay, we can go to Magic tower now!
Koopa Shopkeeper: But......
Luigi: What?
Koopa Shopkeeper: My son...... my son...... get kidnapped by a thief, the thief is a super shy-guy!
Mario: Oh! Poor! Maybe we can help you......
Luigi: Yes, but how can we get to there?
Koopa Shopkeeper: You across that river, than go straightly, you will see a green house, it is that house!
Goomba Tom: Let’s go now!
They walked to the bridge...... Oh no! The awesome and troublesome cheep cheep was swimming near the bridge...... The cheep cheep will bite them if they cross the bridge!
Mario: Let’s kill them and cross the bridge!
Battle started!
Mario, Luigi and Goomba VS Cheep cheep 1, Cheep cheep 2
***Enemy Booklet***
Name Dmg Def Hp Xp Gp Lv Special (Sp) Mp
Mario: 20 10 990 5 0 1 Spin attack 10
Luigi: 8 22 1000 5 0 1 Spin attack 9
Goomba Tom: 18 3 101 1 5 0 1 Goomba bite 10
Cheep cheep 1: 25 5 50 8 2 1 Water splash 10
Cheep cheep 2: 20 7 30 8 2 1 Cheep-cheep bite 10
Mario slashed cheep cheep 1, cheep cheep 1 decrease 15 hp
Luigi hit cheep cheep 1, cheep cheep 1 decrease 3 hp
Goomba Tom hit cheep cheep 1, cheep cheep 1 decrease 13 hp
Cheep cheep 1 bitten Goomba Tom, Goomba Tom decrease 22 hp
Cheep cheep 2 bitten Goomba Tom, Goomba Tom decrease 17 hp
Goomba Tom: 18 3 72 1 5 0 1 Goomba bite 10
Cheep cheep 1: 25 5 19 8 2 1 Water splash 10
Cheep cheep 2: 20 7 30 8 2 1 Cheep-cheep bite 10
Mario make a Capital hit to Cheep cheep 1, cheep cheep 1 decrease 30 hp
Cheep cheep 1 defeated!
Luigi hit cheep cheep 2, cheep cheep 2 decreases 1 hp
Goomba Tom hit cheep cheep 2, cheep cheep 2 decrease 11 hp
Cheep cheep 2 used Cheep-cheep bite to bite Goomba Tom, Goomba Tom decrease 35 hp
Mario slashed cheep cheep 2, cheep cheep 2 decrease 15 hp
Luigi hit cheep cheep 2, cheep cheep 2 decreases 1 hp
Goomba Tom hit cheep cheep 2, cheep cheep 2 decrease 11 hp
Cheep cheep 2 defeated!
Battle win, get 2 cheep cheep!
Goomba Tom ated 2 cheep cheep and get 60 hp and 2 dmg, 2 def.
Now:
Mario: 20 10 990 5 0 1 Spin attack 10
Luigi: 8 22 1000 5 0 1 Spin attack 9
Goomba Tom: 20 5 97 1 5 0 1 Goomba bite 10
Part 2 is not end...it just a part of a part.

[Blablob]

How can you even call this a story?

1/10 Because I guess you tried, but try harder.

[Worst_master]

How can you even call this a story?

1/10 Because I guess you tried, but try harder.

General Thought:......

Rating: 0 out of 10

Decision:Script Fale.

Colors make your eyes almost want to cry blood. Get rid of the colors and make them basic, no matter what Yoshikid said. X_X



Your grammar could still use some work, but I'll cut you some slack, considering my hypothesis that you don't live in England or the US.


The story just don't have good description. There isn't any comedy, and that is what I look forward to when I read chat stories.


So I'd have to say a 3/10 for this one.

All of you rated so bad..... I will not try anytime forever now......mods, lock this topic.... I feel sad........

[Blablob]

I will not try anytime forever now

How about next time, you do try. I'm not trying to be mean here, but when you have criticism, you don't just throw it away. If we say something like "Give the story more description, work on grammar, no color, space out paragraphs" or something, you don't just say "I'm not gonna try anymore". Just next time, try and use the advice we gave you to make a better story. I know you can do better than this.