The Last Of The Calibrixian

[Avo]

Prologue
Chapter 1-3: The Great Destruction Arc
Chapter 4-6: "Crystal" Arc
Chapter 7-9: "Jappa" Arc
???

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"Try again" "I Can't! It's just not gonna break! Why don't you do it, you're stronger than me!" Lirmin, you need to be strong, or else you can't become a true Calibrixian. Just focus your powers, don't think of anything else, and destroy that rock!" Dad! I've tried 7 times and I didn't even come close to doing it!" "Lirmin, you can do this, trust me." "*sigh* OK. Focus. Focus, focus, focus.......

Prologue

Avo's Narration

What else can I say about today? .....That's the million dollar question, dear god it's so boring today. There should be a god of Fun. And every time a day was getting boring, he would say "Bring joy to this Earth" I dunno....just ramblin' on

again. I'm Avo, Avolerators. I live in Runouw City along with a lot of other people. We like to walk around, play games and hang out with our buddies. But something has gone wrong over the past few days, hardly anybody goes outside, plays

games or goes to Demonik's Tavern, it's like a Ghost Town out there. I mean, take a busy day in Runouw.com, you've got people like Superyoshi walking around and checking topics to see if they follow the rules. You've got the Level Mods that

check the Level Portal and having fun. You've got The Chat Room, and it's CRAZY in there a lot of the times. And here's a big problem, Demonik's Tavern, one of the biggest and most popular topic on Runouw.com is empty 24/7! When did this all

happen? Well basically, one day I'm having fun in Demonik's Tavern, the next day, no one is around! There is a BIG problem. I didn't know what was going on, so I went to visit the mayor and the creator of Runouw City, Runouw himself.

I enter the building and immediately run upstairs to Runouw's office, completely ignoring the secretary at the front desk. I think she asked me why I was running, or maybe she told me to take a number or wait, I was running so fast I didn't listen!

My body was telling to slow down and take a break, ...or use an elevator because I was outta breath, REALLY out of breath. I have pretty bad asthma but I tried to ignore it. Anyway after a couple minutes of running I finally saw the door to Runouw's

office, I put my shoulder in front of me and broke the door off of its hinges. OK that didn't really happen, I just crashed into it and it didn't even open. Now I have a possibly broken shoulder, I ignored it and opened the door. To my surprise....he

wasn't there, which is strange for Runouw, he's usually always in his office. He occasionally goes out for a walk or something but he wasn't there. He didn't even leave saying where he is. I dropped to the floor, I was breathing heavily and holding

my shoulder in pain. I tried to call for help but I couldn't even talk. The next thing I heard was footsteps coming up the stairs, I hoped it was Runouw, or even a doctor, that would be great. But No, it turned out to be a security guard sent to get

me, probably sent by the secretary. He asked me what I was doing here. I couldn't get a sound out of my mouth, I felt like I was gonna die. He was looking at me and said "Sir, what are you doing here?". I managed to utter one word slowly:

"H..el..p" I was hoping he would know what was wrong with me due to the fact that I was breathing harder than I usually do. I was slightly intimidated by him. He was really tall and had a

lot of muscles, well I guess he wasn't THAT tall, I was on the ground so I didn't know how tall he was. "Sir, I'm gonna have to escort you out of the building" He told me. With that said, he picked me up and put me on his shoulder like he was

carrying...somethign that you put on your shoulder, I dunno. I can't think of anything. He took me downstairs and during the time it took, I managed to finally catch my breath, as for my shoulder...I guess I just sprained it. I think he kinda knew

that I had trouble breathing (How can you not) and that's why he carried me. I thought he was nice until he THREW me out of the building. "Next time, talk to the secretary" I cursed under my breath and tried to get up. But as I did, I saw a shadow

on the floor, when I looked up, I saw someone towering over me. I looked in his hand and he was holding a knife. I gulped in fear. He looked down at me and said: "What are you doing here?" "Wh-who are you?" I replied.

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Lirmin's Narration

Before I introduce myself, I am not like any other human on this planet. I'm from a race of people known as the Calibrixian and we have special powers. We can gain certain powers depending on the environment we're in, for example, if we're in a

volcanic area, we gain volcanic powers, like summoning an earthquake or creating lava. But above all that, our main power is Telekinesis. We can lift, move and destroy objects simply by using our minds. Our race is a peaceful one, and we never

bring war to people unless we absolutely have to. Anyway, My name is Lirmin. I'm a young boy who is still trying to get the hang of my telekinesis. I haven't learned how to change my powers in my environment, that is also known as the Power

Swap. The only way to learn your Power Swap is to pass your Final Test. Every child must pass their Final Test in order to gain the Power Swap, it's mandatory for a Calibrixian. You spend your whole life training and when you have reached the age

of 13, you take your final test. It's kinda like a Bar Mitzvah if you think about it. If someone doesn't pass their final test, then they can't gain there Power Swap and are kicked out the village. They must try to survive without their Telekinesis,

because that it also taken away. This has never happened to ANYBODY, because if you study a lot, then the test is apparently easy.

So it turns out, tomorrow is my 13th birthday, you know what that means? That means I must take my Final Test tomorrow, I've been studying like I should have but lately I've been having trouble with my Telekinesis. Right now I'm practicing with

my Dad over by the fields, there is this big rock that I have to destroy. "Try again" "I Can't! It's just not gonna break! Why don't you do it, you're stronger than me!" Lirmin, you need to be strong, or else you can't become a true

Calibrixian. Just focus your powers, don't think of anything else, and destroy that rock!" Dad! I've tried 7 times and I didn't even come close to doing it!" "Lirmin, you can do this, trust me." "*sigh* OK. Focus. Focus, focus, focus.......". I tried so

many times and it still didn't work. This rock was GIGANTIC. No matter how many times I try it won't come close to breaking. I think my Dad expects too much of me, but if something this big is at the Final Test and I have to break, I'm screwed. I

have no trouble with lifting or moving objects, it's just breaking them. Anyway, the Final Test is broken into three parts: A lifting test, A moving test and finally, a breaking test. I heard everything is easy except the breaking test, they give you

objects bigger than this rock I'm trying to break, I hope that isn't true. "Son, you need to break this rock, if you don't, then you'll have no chance in the Final Test and the Council will have to banish you." "Oh, thanks for the encouraging words,

Dad!" I said with an angry tone. I started focusing my powers, I didn't have anything else on my mind. I put my hands together for a couple seconds, released them and pushed forward, unleashing all my energy.

BOOM!

Right before my eyes, the rock exploded. I covered my face so the pieces wouldn't poke my eyes out. My father and I were in shock and couldn't speak for a couple minutes. We looked at each other and then back at the pieces of the big rock,

finally I broke the silence and said: ".....I did it.....I'm ready". My father and I walked home, I better get a good night's sleep for tomorrow. I need to pass this test, or else.....

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[MessengerOfDreams]

Hey, is this going to consist of fictional members?

I haven't read it too much yet but I was curious when I saw the second narration.

[Avo]

Yeah, I guess a few fictional members. But also a lot of forum members, of course.

[Avo]

Chapter 1

Avo's Narration

"Who are you?" I asked while I looked up at the strange man holding the knife. He then put his hand in front of me, offering to help me up, I carefully grabbed his hand and he helped me up. After I got the sun out of my eyes I finally saw who he was,

it was Runouw, the mayor of Runouw City, standing right in front of me. "I'm Runouw, obviously." Well at least he has a sense of humor. "Oh my god! Runouw! Perfect timing! I've been looking all over for you!......um....why do you have a knife?" I

asked. "It's for a ribbon cutting ceremony." "Don't you usually use scissors?" "I couldn't find any" "Oh, I see." I asked Runouw why the city is dead. I told him what happened from when i woke up, to when I ran to his office looking for him. The look on

his face told me that he wasn't aware of any of this, he just doesn't pay attention, that, or he was still looking for a pair of scissors. "I see, well I'm far too busy right now. I've got too much work to do. But when I have some free time I'll do

something." He said. This wasn't the answer I wanted, with that said he walked away into the building and to his office, I shouted his name hoping that he would notice me, but he didn't hear me. I couldn't go back into his office because I didn't

want to "take a number and wait". I knew that I had to take care of this problem by myself.

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Lirmin's Narration

Well, today's the big day. I woke up exactly at 8 o'clock in the morning, I got out of my bed, brushed my teeth and went downstairs. There I saw my dad anxiously waiting to see me. "I hope your ready, son. This is one of the biggest days of your

life, next to your wedding night with Jane!" He chuckled. "Dad! I don't like Jane! She's just my friend!" I angrily replied. In case your wondering. Jane is one of my closest friends, STRICTLY friends. My Dad and my Mom always tease me about

going out with her, which I really hate. I always tell them that we're just friends but that doesn't stop them, usually I just ignore them but it just bothers me so much! Do I like her? ....Maybe a little bit but...OK, here's the story, when I was around

4 years old, I met Jane, I could remember that day and what we did, we would play almost every day, we would tell each other secrets. It was a lot of fun. But now that we're older, I'm starting to get feelings for her, strong feelings. But I don't

wanna tell my parents about those feelings, that's something I keep strictly to myself. She not like any girl I meet, she's nice, smart, pretty and funny, too...I can't be thinking about this too much when I

have my Final test in an hour! So after that annoying small talk with my dad, we finally get ready to leave. I said good-bye to my Mom and my brother, Jameson and started walking to the Arena (we don't have cars).

On my way there I asked my dad how his Final Test went. "Dad...when you were 13, how did your Final test go? Was it easy?" He turned his head and grinned a little bit. "Son, if you studied well, then you will succeed, trust me." He replied. I tried

to remember what I studied in the past couple weeks. What to focus on, how to lift objects, but the thing I tried to remember the most was destroying objects. That's not easy. Have you ever tried to lift an object with your mind? Yeah, exactly.

I could see the arena shining through the horizon as my Dad and I stand in awe atop a big hill. "Lirmin..." My father said. "This is it, I wish you the best of luck." He knelled down on his knee and gave a hug. He looked over and saw a log near a

few trees in the distance. "Well Lirmin? Wanna try breaking that log over there?" He asked. "...Why the heck not!" I replied with a big smile on my face. We walked over to the log, it wasn't that big, around the size of a coffee table, so it shouldn't

be THAT much of a challenge. I stood right in front of it. My dad stood behind me with his back against a tree. I looked at him and back at the log. I cleared my head, didn't think of anything but destroying that log. I closed my eyes, put my hands,

waited 10 seconds, then unleashed a mighty blast to the log. There was a sudden flash, and then...I saw it, the log was destroyed into millions of little pieces! "Dad! I did it!" "Good job, Son! I know you'll pass with flying colours!" He said. With a

big smile on my face, we made our way down the hill and into the arena!

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"You have to be reasonable, it-it just can't be done so soon!" "I don't care, I need it to give me a fighting chance out there." "You're only 14! You can't carry a gun around with you! Especially if it's a gun this powerful! Think of your safety!" "I'll be

safer once I have the Solar Gun." "But...what about the Lunar Gun?" "I'll worry about that later. Now open the seal and give me the gun." "*sigh* Whatever you wish, Your Majesty..."

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Avo's Narration

*KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK* "FOUR! Open the door! It's Avo! Open the door!" I'm taking matters into my own hands now, if Runouw won't fix this problem, then I will myself. I'll call this Dilemma:

OPERATION: GHOST TOWN

What do you think? Badass name or what? Well as you can see, I'm asking my friend, fourinone if he knows what's up with Runouw City. Maybe he might know something that I don't. *KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK* "FOUR OPEN UP!"

Finally, after 5 minutes of knocking on his door, Four answers it. "Hey Hai, in case you didn't notice, I was sleeping OK? Whaddya want?" Four said in an angry tone. "Sorry to bother you, Four, but have you ever noticed that hardly anyone goes out

and takes a simple walk anymore? The most I've seen was around 3 or 4! Do you know what's wrong?" I replied. "I honest to god don't know anything about this, Avo, sorry. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be watching some TV now that you woke me up,

Thank you by the way, I needed to wake up but I didn't set my alarm. Heh heh." "But...you're a mod, you should know right?" "I may be a mod but I don't

know about things like that, if you want answers then you should go see Blab atop Mt. Runouw." Oh my god, Mt. Runouw. This mountain is huge. And only The Global Moderators, Superyoshi and Blablob and the Administrator, Runouw, lives atop

that mountain. Superyoshi and Blablob have a giant mansion around the mid point of the mountain. Runouw however, lives at the very tip of the mountain, IN A FREAKIN' CASTLE. And to top it off, it's really cold up there. Luckily for everyone who

visits that mountain to see the mods, there is an elevator inside the mountain that can take you to Superyoshi, Blablob or Runouw. The elevator is really fast, too, or so I've heard. I myself have never been on that elevator but I've heard from

other people. "OK, well I've never been on the mountain so can you maybe draw me a map to where Blablob is?" I asked. Fourinone went inside his house, grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil, and in literally 5 seconds he came back and gave the

paper to me. "He's a map" He said:



"...Wow." I replied in amazement, but not the good kind of amazement. "I think we found a Modern Day Michelangelo." "Well, I didn't want to make it TOO good or it'll blow you away!" Four said. "Good luck with whatever the hell you're doing

because I already forgot." And with that, he shut the door and

went to watch TV. Now that I (kinda) have a map, I can go to Mt. Runouw and ask Blab if he knows anything!

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[Avo]

Chapter 2

Lirmin's Narration

My Dad and I were standing in front of the humongous doors that lead inside the arena. I could hear cheering and applauding from the people inside, this is more like a hockey game then a "Final Test". My dad opened the doors for me and let me

go in first. When I walked in, what could I say, it was mesmerizing...the decorations were like candy to my eyes. There were seats everywhere filled with people cheering my name: "LIRMIN! LIRMIN! LIRMIN!" I didn't know so many people were

here to see me do this, it just puts a lot more pressure on me...I'm really nervous right now. But with my dad standing right behind me watching to see how I'll do kinda makes me less worried. A member from the council stepped up into the

balcony up in front of me, sat down and said: "Lirmin, 13 years old, 5'8, born on January 2nd, 1998, are you ready for your Final Test to prove you are a true Calibrixian?" I replied with a little stutter: "Y-yes..." "Then let the Final Test...BEGIN!"

Replied the council member. And with that said, everyone started cheering my name again: "LIRMIN! LIRMIN! LIRMIN!" A member from the council gave a signal to keep everyone quiet for my first test: Mind-Lifting. A council member placed a

medium-sized rock right in front of me (by medium-sized, I meant around the size of a school desk). Everyone was silent, so silent that I could hear the sounds of a cricket. It was so silent, I could hear my own cells dividing (OK that was an

exaggeration). I cleared my mind, put my hands together, closed my eyes, focused for about 10 seconds...released my hands and....before my eyes I saw it. I lifted the rock! Everyone roared with applause and cheer and then the council told me to

put the rock back down. I did it, I passed The Mind-Lifting challenge! I looked back at my dad and saw him giving me a thumbs-up. A council member then said: "Congratulations Lirmin, for passing the First Test: The Mind-Lifting challenge. Now

it's time for your second test, the Mind-Moving challenge." I was a bit nervous for this one, usually I can move an object with no trouble at all. But when I'm under this much pressure and when there is about a thousand people watching me, it

makes me nervous. But I shouldn't worry, I should be confident! I studied hard for this Final Test and I will succeed! A council member placed another medium-sized rock in front of me, but it was a bit bigger this time. Around the size of an air

hockey table. Once again, everyone was silent. I waited a couple seconds, breathed in heavily and let it out. I put my hands together, closed my eyes, focused on that rock for about 10 seconds. I then lifted it up about 4 feet off the ground. I could

hear some applause from the audience, and then I really focused on one thing, moving that rock.I opened my eyes, moved my hands around in unison. And...I did it, before my eyes that rock was moving around in thin air! I did it! I passed the

second test! A council member told to put the rock down and then I looked back at my dad again, he smiling and clapping at me. I smiled back and then looked at the council member. "Very good, Lirmin, you have passed the second test: The

Mind-Moving challenge. It is now time for the last test, The Mind-Destroying challenge. We will place a big rock in front of you, around the size of your house! And you will get one, just one try to lift it up and destroy! I'll point out that this is the

hardest part of the Final Test and I wish you the best of luck! Bring it out!" The council member said. And then I saw it, the gigantic rock, this was bigger than any rock I tried to destroy! Now I was really nervous. I looked up at the audience and I

saw her, Jane. She was smiling and then waved at me, I waved back at her. I could my dad laughing behind my back, I knew what he was thinking. But whatever, that gave me a big shock of confidence. Once again, everyone was silent. I stood

there looking at the rock and then I got ready. I put my hands together, completely cleared my mind, closed my eyes, and then I could hear the rock lifting up into the air. I waited 5 seconds, and then I released my hands and yelled as loud I could.

Everyone gasped, including the council members. I slowly opened my eyes and...oh my god...

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Avo's Narration

I am currently standing before the gigantic Mt. Runouw. It's about 2500 feet. Pretty big. And it will get really cold the higher I get so I came prepared, I brought a hat, gloves, boots, a winter coat and even snowpants! It's gonna be a long way up

the mountain but luckily there is an elevator inside so I don't have to worry about actually walking up. Anyway, I go up to the big metal door at the bottom of the mountain that leads to the elevator, the doors automatically open before me and I

walk up to the elevator. I push the "Up" button but nothing happened. The elevator didn't open up. Odd. I pushed it again, but nothing happened! I pressed it 10 more times until I noticed a note stuck to the elevator. I grabbed it and read it: "This

elevator be out of service. Sucks because you have to climb up this entire mountain just to talk to somebody. Lol. I myself am inside my lovely mansion, sitting in front of a warm and toasty fire, drinking a nice cup of hot chocolate while you are

left to freeze in the cold temperatures of teh mountain. It must suck to be you. Oh and I'm watching the Superbowl on my big flatscreen TV while under a big warm blanket! OH TOUCHDOWN! Yeah I can watch the Superbowl in my big mansion

because this TV has over 3000 channels! Why am I watching the Superbowl? To be honest, nothing else was on and I came across it while channel surfing, but hell I'M ENJOYING IT! I even painted my face different colours! I'm not cheering for a

specific team, I'M CHEERING FOR BOTH OF THEM! But yeah, I'm watching TV

while you have to walk in the freezing cold. SUX 2 B U! ~Suyo" "OH YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!" I yelled out in anger. I cursed under my breath and then ripped up the paper. I have to walk 1500 feet up the mountain just to talk to Blablob! This is

complete BS. You have no idea how angry I am right now. I sighed in sadness and left the center of the mountain. I looked up at the towering mountain, I have quite a walk ahead of me...I guess I'm lucky that I wore my winter clothes. I'd punch

Suyo if he wasn't a Global Mod. I started walking up the mountain, it will only harder to climb from here on due to the snow at the top. As I'm walking, I come across a forest with a sign in front of it saying: "Beware of Bigfoot!" Bigfoot? In a forest?

You've gotta be kidding me. Before I entered the forest, I took out a piece of paper and a pen and wrote down my destination: Blablob's House at 1500 feet. I am currently at around 20 feet. So I am not even close. I have to be the unluckiest

person in the world. Well, I should be thankful that I don't have to walk all the way to Runouw's Castle. As I'm walking through the forest, I start to get a big headache. I don't know what it is from, I didn't bump my head on anything. I ignore it and

keep pressing onward. Right now I'm at about 75 feet. I'm a bit tired but I can always sit down and rest if I can't move and farther. I see a couple forest animals, like rabbits and a deer, too. There is a lot of plantation and huge trees here. At

around 90 feet, I start to get another headache, only this time I can see something when I close my eyes. It's too blurry to tell what it is. Is it...a person? A person wearing a light hoodie. Before I can see what this person is, I bump into a tree and

lose the image. What the hell? This made no sense. And to top it off, I'm lost. I have no idea where I am. I can hear rustling in the bushes. I didn't bring a weapon or anything so I picked up a nearby stick. "W-who are you? Come out now!" I said. I

was scared because it could be a wolf or a bear! I might get eaten! The animal finally stepped out of the bushes, but to my surprise, it wasn't even an animal! It was a person! "...A-Avo?" The person said. "I opened my eyes and saw him, I was in a

lot of shock that I dropped the stick. I said in a stutter. "Wha....24murph?"

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"Please, your majesty, you have to be careful with that gun, you can really hurt yourself!" "Quiet Johnson! You think just because I'm a girl I can't defend myself?" "What? No no! I didn't mean that! This is a powerful weapon! It's really dangerous!

Are you sure you know what you're doing?" "My plan is crystal clear, it can't fail." "Your majesty! The alarm has been going off for a long time now! What if they find us?" "If they do find us, then they'll be sorry for infiltrating the castle." "Y-you're

not gonna shoot them, are you?" "I'm gonna try to avoid killing anyone, but if the worst happens, then it's my only option." "Y-your majesty! I can them coming! They're gonna find us!" "Quick! Open up the vent and we'll sneak out of the castle and

into the sewers." "But where will we go after we get out of the sewers?" "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Open the vent!" "OK, you're majesty..."

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Lirmin's Narration

Oh my god....It can't be....everyone was silent, the audience, Jane, my dad and the entire council. It...didn't break. The rock didn't break. What does this mean? "Oh...well...I'm sorry, Lirmin. But you didn't pass the last challenge." The council

member said. "Why...can I try again?" I said. "I'm terribly sorry, Lirmin, but that is again Calibrixian Code. I...I don't know what to say...ex-excuse me for a second..." The council member said, then we left and went out the door along with the

other council members. I didn't want to look back at my dad. But he walked up to me and I saw his face. It was a mixture of anger and sadness. "What...what happened there, Lirmin?" He asked. "I...I don't know, Dad! I thought I had this in the

bag! I don't why it didn't blow up!" I replied. I looked to see Jane but she wasn't there. She must have left after I screwed up. After a couple seconds of utter silence, the council members walked in. "Lirmin, we have decided...." They said. "Yeah?"

I replied. "We have decided that...unfortunately, we have to...banish you from the village. Everyone gasped in shock. I was the first Calibrixian to be banished! I wanted to cry but I didn't want everyone to see me do so. My dad stepped up and

tried to defend me: "You can't banish him! He's only 13! How will he survive?!" "I apologize, but we can't have a Calibrixian that doesn't know the Power Swap, it will mess up the entire village. He will have to find a home somewhere else." The

council member replied. There is no avoiding this. I have to leave the village. The council members walked up to me and told me to say goodbye to my dad and everyone else. I gave my dad a big hug and whispered to him: "I'm so sorry". They

escorted me to the gate that leads to the Never-ending Forest. I'll have to find a home there...somewhere. "Lirmin, I wish it wouldn't have to come to this, but it's the only option." They said. The gate opened and I walked out slowly.Once I got

out, the gate closed quickly behind my back, and I couldn't see the village behind the gate. "What am I going to do?" I asked myself. I started walking....but I didn't know where to go...

(10 minutes ago: "Where are you going? We have to do something about Lirmin! He is the only person that didn't pass the final test!" "I know I know! We can't actually banish him!" "Well you gotta do something, our village needs to be perfect. We

can't have a Calibrixian that doesn't know the Power Swap. It'll be poison to the village!" "Um, question, why CAN'T we have a Calibrixian that doesn't know the Power Swap in our village?" "BECAUSE! When children reach the age of 13, a virus

starts to build up inside them, it's some sort of curse that happens to every Calibrixian, so they need to learn the Power Swap to help control that virus. That's why we hold a Final Test for every 13 year-old. Because if they don't learn the power

swap, then that virus will spread across the village and KILL EVERYONE!" "So you're saying, Lirmin will die while searching for a home in the Never-Ending Forest?" "Yes, eventually the virus will take over his body, it may take a couple days, it may

even take a year! It's different in everybody." "Well, you have to tell him, he's waiting in the arena!" "I know, I'll tell him...")

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Avo's Narration

"24murph? Is that you?" I said in shock. It was 24murph. A former citizen of Runouw.com, he told everyone that he was leaving but no one knew where he went after that. "Why are out here in the mountains?" I asked. "Well, after I left, I went to

Runouw's Castle to tell him that I was leaving, but the elevator was out of order, so I had to climb up the whole mountain to tell him. But I got lost while I was walking through the forest, I saw an abandoned log cabin in the middle of the forest and

I took shelter there. I never told Runouw." He said. "You're in a similar situation. I'm trying to tell Blablob about the City being empty every day, I'm hoping he will know something but I got lost in this stupid forest." "Well, I've got a map that leads

you out of the forest and straight to Blablob's House, but I see you already have a map." "Uh this?" I pulled out the crappy map that fourinone drew for me and showed it to Murph. He was shocked by how terrible it was. "Oh wow. Um, yeah I'll give

you this map in exchange for....that map. I could use for toilet paper." We both laughed for a couple seconds and then Murph gave me the map. "Wait a minute." I said. "If you have a map of mountain, then why don't you use to lead to Runouw's

Castle?" "I've grown fond of this cabin and the woodland creatures. I just can't leave now." He replied. After we had a little conversation about Runouw.com, I got another big headache, I closed my eyes and again, I saw that person, only this time

it was much clearer. "Avo? What's wrong?" Murph asked. "OW! I'm having another headache! I been having them a lot since I started climbing the mountain! I can see a person. A girl. She's wearing a hoodie. She has long blonde hair. She's wearing

shorts and boots. And she's carrying a gun. I think she's in a sewer...." And that was the end of it, that's all I saw. 24murph looked at me as if he saw a ghost. "Are you alright?" He asked. I sighed out of relief after my headache was over and said:

"Yeah...I think I'm fine." "I think you should come inside, I'll get you a drink and we can talk about this." 24murph said. And with, we both went inside.

[MessengerOfDreams]

The premise? Amazing. I really like the premise.

Delivery? Needs work

You could have a state-of-the-art story if you do the 3 following things-

1. You need to expand. How am I supposed to really understand the emptiness of Runouw if I have no scenario of what its activity was like. Give us a scene of an active Runouw.com. Show us the first day Avo discovered it was empty.

On the Calibrixian side, show us more about Lirmin. About his life. His friendship with Jane. I currently don't care about Jane because all I know about her is that she's Lirmin's best friend/possible love interest. It would be awkward too if she just jumped in the middle of the story. And why are they such good friends in the first place?

Also, expand on why the hell they throw out anyone who isn't good at Telekinesis? Is it discrimination? Is it fear? The idea of throwing out someone, stripping them of their powers and leaving them to die because they aren't PERFECT at their Telekinesis at 13 EXACTLY? Farfetched. Convince me.

2. Your narrative lacks grip. I'm not gripped by the narrator. I feel like I'm reading the Reader's Digest of your story. The narrative is pretty passive and clichéd. It's not like he's writing a story, it's like he's summing it up for a friend. Especially on Lirmin's side.

3. It needs better character portraying and depth. It's currently hard to care about anyone when we don't know them- it pertains sort of to the first rule but it affects the whole way we look at the story. And some forum characters are very off. Making Runouw a mystery cloud is cliche'd but he's very much an official kind of person. A Businessman. And Four? Who the hell is this four impersonator? He acts like someone pissed in his Wheaties. If you told the real Four sarcastically that he was the next Michaelangelo, he'd say "Yeah, I know, right? ", not to shove it up your ♥♥♥. Also... why in the ♥♥♥♥ is Suyo watching the Super Bowl? He's German! I don't even think he knows what it is!

But the positives is that this has a crapton of potential- I really want to learn more. Runouw.com fading away? 24murph returning? (which no one has tackled, even though it's a prime story potential), a second society? A fishy council who kick out members not perfect to them? The eventual colliding of these two worlds? (perhaps through a war? this would be good because we couldn't root for one side or another, no crystal clear good/bad guys) This looks amazing. I urge you to continue this, but to improve it as well.

6/10.

Good idea, rocky execution

[Avo]

OK thanks for the review, I've fixed some of those mistakes and added in what you suggested.

[Megar]

Wooah.
If I was Lirmin, I would quite well punch the council in the effing face.