An Abnormal Turn of Events

[Master1.0]

Chapter 1

I lay in front of my computer, dazed. I had just been on Runouw.com discussing Galaxy Quest 'till about 9:52 P.M. Seeing how I couldn't sleep, I just stayed on until midnight. I walked slowly down the stairs to have some breakfast. I had the usue, some pancakes and a bit of milk. Seeing I was up all night, I was starving. I decided to run a few laps around the yard and at least try to catch some Z's. After seeing I couldn't sleep still, I got back on Runouw.com. Some of us users decided to meet in the chat, so we had a conversation about the 11th designer contest, which Shade supposedly ditched. Well, at least that's what we thought. However, Shadrixian wasn't going to be on for awhile, nor on any other site.

Blablob was just getting on to see how everybody was doing. he hadn't heard that Shade ditched us until now, and man, was he steamed. We had to find a replacement, as of which Buff did. Nothing was to laugh about that day. That is, unless you count the fact somebody posted a Yo Mama joke in chat that said

Yo mama so ugly, she made an onion cry!

I had to admit, it was actually kind of amusing. During the time, I wasn't aware of the upcoming storm, so the power went out around me. The really stupid thing was that mine was the only house that didn't have power. Luckily, I was using a laptop that wasn't going to go off because it ran on batteries. It's just on a charger all the time. Next thing I know, 4 Runouw users posted in chat the power JUST went off in their houses. Then another few said the same thing. Obliviously, something weird was going on. I left the computer for a bit to go get our back-up generator. And it was a good thing too, seeing how the laptop was runnin' out of steam. Now, we just decided to get off because they didn't have a generator. Us guys called it quits, and scrambled for their beds.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Chapter 2 *Shade*

Shade wakes up, confused, and abandoned. The setting is strange, with grass looking like it were straight out of a video game.Wait... He looked at himself. What in hell? Shade wasn't Shade. Great, he said to himself. I'm trapped in some strange place, and I don't even look like myself! In fact, he looked carefully at himself. He was tall, shaggy dark hair. He looked at least a few years older, maybe 18, 19. There was nothing as far as the eyes could see. Just grass and trees, and... huh?

Meanwhile, back on Runouw.com...

Master, we haven't seen Shadrixian for quite awhile. We posted a tab in the serious discussion to see if anybody knew where he went or how he disappeared. No luck. We asked residents in his area, even his parents, and the didn't know what he was up to. So, we decided to have a, what we call, Field Trip
During the night, some of us users snuck out of bed and abandoned their homes. The darkness grew, but we knew where to go. 5th Avenue. "Is everybody ready?" I said impatiently. "Yeah" said the others. So the search for Shade was on, that is, until the rain came down. "Great" I said, "Looks like we'll have to abandon ship for awhile." We searched for a hotel. Luckily, must of us had a pretty large amount of cash in our pockets. (Thank god we came prepared)
We decided to crash at a Quality Inn for the night. Sadly, we had too many people and had to rent a bigger room, which of course costs more.

We woke up the next morning to see if we could use our laptops. We ended up skipping our check-in at Runouw.com, because for some reason,the owners decided to charge 15 bucks an hour for Wi-fi. After 11 A.M., we had to check out so that they didn't charge us for another day. I had gotten a little tired of walking, so Buff and Four decided to try to hi-jack a car. Man, I feel bad for whoever lost that nice 8 seat camero. (No idea who would need an 8 seater...) Well, damn you Destroyer for forgetting to check the meter, because after about 20 miles, the car just stopped completely. After pushing the damn thing about 2.8 miles, we found a gas station. And the gas was pretty cheap. So cheap, you would think this were the 70's again. But really, the gas was 70 cents a gallon! Apparently these people haven't noticed that this is the year 2011

Man, time flies when you're on the road. Before we knew it, night approached. We had to find another Inn, pay a bunch more for the room, and then gas. But what's this? In a large crack in the road, we could see a card stuck in it. I approached the coordinates of the card, and I was stunned when I saw what it was. A perfectly good American Express gift card. somebody obliviously dropped this before using it, for there was still a little slip. On the slip, said the numbers 200.00. That meant we just got a free 200 dollars!!! Buff, Destroyer, Four, Blablob, Jelloman48, and I all cheered. "Can you believe our luck?" Buff said, jittery and excited. "Whoahly crap..." said Blablob, stunned at the mere mention of the card. So we got a room big enough for the six of us, and crashed on the comfy beds, almost like falling on a cloud.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

[Ridder]

Chapter 1

I lay in front of my computer, dazed. I had just been on Runouw.com discussing Galaxy Quest 'till about 9:52 P.M. Seeing how I couldn't sleep, I just stayed on until midnight. I walked slowly down the stairs to have some breakfast. I had the usue, some pancakes and a bit of milk. Seeing I was up all night, I was starving. I decided to run a few laps around the yard and at least try to catch some Z's. After seeing I couldn't sleep still, I got back on Runouw.com. Some of us users decided to meet in the chat, so we had a conversation about the 11th designer contest, which Shade supposedly ditched. Well, at least that's what we thought. However, Shadrixian wasn't going to be on for awhile, nor on any other site.

Blablob was just getting on to see how everybody was doing. he hadn't heard that Shade ditched us until now, and man, was he steamed. We had to find a replacement, as of which Buff did. Nothing was to laugh about that day. That is, unless you count the fact somebody posted a Yo Mama joke in chat that said

Yo mama so ugly, she made an onion cry!

I had to admit, it was actually kind of amusing. During the time, I wasn't aware of the upcoming storm, so the power went out around me. The really stupid thing was that mine was the only house that didn't have power. Luckily, I was using a laptop that wasn't going to go off because it ran on batteries. It's just on a charger all the time. Next thing I know, 4 Runouw users posted in chat the power JUST went off in their houses. Then another few said the same thing. Obliviously, something weird was going on. I left the computer for a bit to go get our back-up generator. And it was a good thing too, seeing how the laptop was runnin' out of steam. Now, we just decided to get off because they didn't have a generator. Us guys called it quits, and scrambled for their beds.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Chapter 2 *Shade*

Shade wakes up, confused, and abandoned. The setting is strange, with grass looking like it were straight out of a video game.Wait... He looked at himself. What in hell? Shade wasn't Shade. Great, he said to himself. I'm trapped in some strange place, and I don't even look like myself! In fact, he looked carefully at himself. He was tall, shaggy dark hair. He looked at least a few years older, maybe 18, 19. There was nothing as far as the eyes could see. Just grass and trees, and... huh?

Meanwhile, back on Runouw.com...

Master, we haven't seen Shadrixian for quite awhile. We posted a tab in the serious discussion to see if anybody knew where he went or how he disappeared. No luck. We asked residents in his area, even his parents, and the didn't know what he was up to. So, we decided to have a, what we call, Field Trip
During the night, some of us users snuck out of bed and abandoned their homes. The darkness grew, but we knew where to go. 5th Avenue. "Is everybody ready?" I said impatiently. "Yeah" said the others. So the search for Shade was on, that is, until the rain came down. "Great" I said, "Looks like we'll have to abandon ship for awhile." We searched for a hotel. Luckily, must of us had a pretty large amount of cash in our pockets. (Thank god we came prepared)
We decided to crash at a Quality Inn for the night. Sadly, we had too many people and had to rent a bigger room, which of course costs more.

We woke up the next morning to see if we could use our laptops. We ended up skipping our check-in at Runouw.com, because for some reason,the owners decided to charge 15 bucks an hour for Wi-fi. After 11 A.M., we had to check out so that they didn't charge us for another day. I had gotten a little tired of walking, so Buff and Four decided to try to hi-jack a car. Man, I feel bad for whoever lost that nice 8 seat camero. (No idea who would need an 8 seater...) Well, damn you Destroyer for forgetting to check the meter, because after about 20 miles, the car just stopped completely. After pushing the damn thing about 2.8 miles, we found a gas station. And the gas was pretty cheap. So cheap, you would think this were the 70's again. But really, the gas was 70 cents a gallon! Apparently these people haven't noticed that this is the year 2011

Man, time flies when you're on the road. Before we knew it, night approached. We had to find another Inn, pay a bunch more for the room, and then gas. But what's this? In a large crack in the road, we could see a card stuck in it. I approached the coordinates of the card, and I was stunned when I saw what it was. A perfectly good American Express gift card. somebody obliviously dropped this before using it, for there was still a little slip. On the slip, said the numbers 200.00. That meant we just got a free 200 dollars!!! Buff, Destroyer, Four, Blablob, Jelloman48, and I all cheered. "Can you believe our luck?" Buff said, jittery and excited. "Whoahly crap..." said Blablob, stunned at the mere mention of the card. So we got a room big enough for the six of us, and crashed on the comfy beds, almost like falling on a cloud.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Numerous Errors, Predictable Plot, characterization and just naming them by their Runouw names of the Users around here is really bugging me. "approached the coordinates" sounds odd. Well, actually, the entire thing sounds odd. Sometimes is feels like you're speaking, but you don't put it in quotation marks.

Master, we haven't seen Shadrixian for quite awhile. We posted a tab in the serious discussion to see if anybody knew where he went or how he disappeared. No luck. We asked residents in his area, even his parents, and the didn't know what he was up to. So, we decided to have a, what we call, Field Trip

I had gotten a little tired of walking, so Buff and Four decided to try to hi-jack a car. Man, I feel bad for whoever lost that nice 8 seat camero. (No idea who would need an 8 seater...) Well, damn you Destroyer for forgetting to check the meter, because after about 20 miles, the car just stopped completely. After pushing the damn thing about 2.8 miles, we found a gas station. And the gas was pretty cheap. So cheap, you would think this were the 70's again. But really, the gas was 70 cents a gallon! Apparently these people haven't noticed that this is the year 2011

It was bits like those above and "Jelloman48" thing that really sets this thing as a very cheap and uninteresting story.


5/10.

[Master1.0]

Well that was rude...

[UsuarioTHf]

...no.

It's called criticism.


But yeah. Ridder's right. It wasn't interesting, it was weird, and awkward at some parts.

[Master1.0]

That's kind of why it says "abnormal" in the title...

[Ridder]

No.


This story has awkward pacing and your wording leaves a lot to be desired.

I approached the coordinates of the card

Sounds in no way natural at all.

And then there's a terrible transition between setting.


All the members of Runouw don't live near each other, but you say a lot of them snuck out of bed and almost immediately met up at night like a bunch of kids would do. If they all lived in the exact same city.

Also, at one point, you said (thank god we all came prepared) but there was no explanation as to why or what you came prepared for. You all snuck out of bed with a few hundred dollars in your pockets, the hell?

You check in at an Inn, but I'm pretty sure an Inn manager, no matter how crappy the Inn itself, would always be suspicious of a group of kids with no adult supervision staying the night at a hotel.


And still, you characterize the characters oh so wrong.

Buff, Destroyer, Four, Blablob, Jelloman48, and I all cheered. "Can you believe our luck?" Buff said, jittery and excited. "Whoahly crap..." said Blablob, stunned at the mere mention of the card. So we got a room big enough for the six of us, and crashed on the comfy beds, almost like falling on a cloud.

The title itself is completely unoriginal and gives no real personality to this story at all.