SuperMIC wrote:One of the greatest challenges of writing is action scenes. There must be just a perfect amount of description, text, and dialogue. It seems to me you guys have a bit to work on, not that I don't fail as well. I read through Chapter 41, and what I really can say is just NOOOO to the colouring of the words. Font size changes aren't the best as well. Keep it white, and where needed, use italics.
You think we don't realize this? The coloring of words other than the chapter title's was Nan's idea. The font size was a representation of the level of darkness used, however, this may or may remain once we kick the story. And italics may not work out given the fact that italics are probably going to represent thoughts. That's just a guess, I'm not entirely sure. I know I'm going to be talking in parentheses later in the series to symbolize Martian talk though, so that's out of the question. Any other ideas?
SuperMIC wrote:The black colouring makes it extremely hard to see the word and is therefore pointless. The plot just jumps up and down, and just doesn't conenct smoothly. You're definitely missing out a lot in description, dialogue is way to overused here. Correlate the characters to their senses. Describe the area around them. Add much more action-y text to make it more interesting!
Agreed with that part. On either a white or gray background with black letters it's easier, but gray on black is hard. However, I never got around to changing it for one reason or another. The plot bouncing may be the fault of the way this is written. As for the action sequences, it's a granted that we can write better.
SuperMIC wrote:I got bored almost 5 times through the chapter and I just skimmed. "KyRay" is so freaking overpowered, make the characters more realistic! Everyone has their limits, and I'm not seeing any. It reminds me of a little child's fanfic that's just so surreal and not real at all.
We all have limits. But here's the problem, we never really used them until recently. JRFD's limit hasn't been expanded upon much yet, and Nan's is simply what moves are in his library thus far. My limit will be explained when we reboot as in the current story it is pretty much impossible to add it with out it suddenly showing up out of nowhere with no explanation what so ever. And let's face it, this is the first attempt for most if not all of us at writing a serious story, so it's not bound to be great to start off. Plus, it's hard to be realistic with characters have have unrealistic powers. I think the biggest problem here is the ridiculousness of Crimson. The story in general is going to be more in-depth with lobs more plot and a dozen or so sub-plots during the reboot, but that still requires proper execution which is why most of the story is being made on the awesome forums before being brought here. This gives us a chance to improve quality before you guys can see it. And yes KyRay is OP, he's supposed to be.
SuperMIC wrote:Spelling and grammar was very good, which was nice...
So really, I think you guys have a WHOLE LOT to work on. Hope JRFD takes some of these points into account and implements them into te next chapter.
7/10
-SMIC
Thanks for the review, much appreciated on my end.
