Legend of The Lake

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Legend of The Lake

Postby Avo » August 16th, 2011, 11:49 pm

YEAH YEAH YEAH STOP SAYING ''OMG AVO Another story? Please'' WE'LL JUST SEE WHERE THIS GOES

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Prologue: show
Prologue

Runouw Lake, the main topic of today, quite a wonder in Runouw City, some might say.

A little bit off to the west, past the ol' tavern, and around the Gaming building, lies a forest. A forest that, once entered, can lead you to the lake.

It's quite a sight. A sight that big oceans can't compare to. The serene in the water, the wind gently pushing against the branches of the tall trees. It's truly a life changing experience to a first-timer.

There are many small rocks lying around, too. Pick one up, and shoot towards the water. No matter how bad your throw was, it always seemed to skip, always.

It's like one of those places you go with your friends on a hot summer day. Where you all would just dip your feet in the warm and relaxing waters, lie back and just breathe in the fresh air. A time you all would look back at and say:

''Those days by the lake, nothing can compare to those...''

One could easily get lost in the peacefulness of the lake, and end up spending the whole day there. Going back to your house, lying in bed and thinking:

''Man, I need to go there again very soon.''

It's a far journey to the lake, but once you reach it, it all pays off in the end.

You won't be able to find a lot of people there, at average, maybe three or four. But they won't bother you, the massive size of the body will take your mind off of the fellow travelers.

It's even said that some people from other sites visit the city just to sit by the lake. If Runouw City had seven wonders, the lake would be all of them.

Some people become citizens of the city, not to chat with others, not to speak their mind, not to be obnoxious either in some cases, but just to visit that body of water.

Yes, the lake, the wonderful lake. Everyone loves it, its serenity, its peacefulness. The lake holds many secrets, some that would destroy a person's sanity.

The dark secrets of Runouw Lake are only known by a few people. A few people that would rather throw away their life then to share the secrets.

They are dark, my friend, dark.

It has been reported a few times of new citizens from the city suddenly vanishing. And it always happens when they visit the lake for the first time. Some idiots try to damage the lake, they don't care about it.

They will throw empty cans in the lake, throw dirty, rotten shoes and spoiled food into the lake. Not giving a damn. What follows actions are consequences, and maybe that's how they disappeared, don't ask me, even the narrator does not know the secrets of the lake.

There can be many theories to try to explain the disappearances. Some that are believable, and some that are too funny or too stupid to even think about. There are some theories that try to classify the disappearances as ''coincidences''.

Theories like those can come from the mouth of someone that knows, knows of what really happens at Runouw Lake.

People are good at making up lies, they will use them to get out of anything. Chores, homework, even sins and crimes. If it means protecting a sacred ground, or someone's life, then someone will lie.

However, one person, will go to extreme lengths to find out and uncover the secrets of Runouw Lake. Even if it means risking their life, so they could possibly save other lives in the future.

Trying to uncover the secrets of this wonder could lead to trouble, even death. One might leave it be, but this kid will do anything...

Anything.

Legend of The Lake


Chapter 1: show
Chapter 1

Skipping stones, an age old way to past time when near a body of water, this body of water is none other than what was before mentioned. Runouw Lake.

A man, blessed with height at a young age, just so happens to skipping rocks over the lake.

The man, boy, gentleman, young-in, whatever society would call him. A young boy, with golden blonde hair. Almost as gold as treasure itself. Long hair, that stretched from his scalp to his chin. Two different coloured eyes, the left being a light brown colour and the right blue. An unusual mole on his right cheek, yes he is a unique boy, one might think.

His name, however, is unknown, some citizens tend to call him T. His personality is all over the place. Is he nice? Mean? Eccentric? Humorous? Obnoxious? Well, it's hard to tell, really.

He grabs a few rocks, skips them on the lake gently, trying to keep at peace. One would think this would be a normal day. But for whatever reason, T decided to come outside and skip rocks really late at night.

No one else was in sight, everyone was sleeping soundly in their beds. Except T. The serenity was all his to enjoy.

T stepped down and took a seat, grabbed more rocks, and skipped them sitting down, seemed to have the same result every time.

He would always think to himself with every rock he threw:

''I could spend the night here, just lying down on the grass, listening to the branches blow in the wind, and just fall asleep.''

T would most likely consider it, what with his house so far away, it would take about an hour walking there in the dark night. He saw no rocks in arms reach. So he finally decided to lay back, put his arms behind his head, and closed his eyes.

''Ah, this is unbelievably relaxing'' He thought to himself, trying to avoid thinking too much so he can fall asleep quicker.

The sounds of the trees swaying in the breeze, the water sloshing around, it gives a much greater affect compared to just listening to a simple tape of ocean sounds or rainfall in your room to help you fall asleep better. You can sleep in mere seconds near the lake.

However, all was not well, something didn't bode well with T.

He opened his eyes and looked around, he thought maybe he was just paranoid because he was alone. He had heard millions upon millions of stories about the disappearances of new citizens who visit the lake for the first time. He never believed in any of those, he thought they were ''just a pile of bullcrap''. Coincidences, he thought, mere and simple coincidences. You may or may not have known, but this was the first time T had ever been to the lake, he has been a citizen of the city for quite some time now. His friends kept telling things like:

''Dude! You need to check out the lake!''

Or...

''The lake is phenomenal! It may sound boring but it's a life changing experience.''

Or even something like...

''You idiot! How could you have not been to the lake yet? Only morons haven't seen the lake, they all think it's a boring, uninteresting thing. That's an insult!''

But T never listened, he would always roll his eyes and walk away with his arms crossed. ''Life changing experience my ♥♥♥.'' He would always reply. One thing people didn't like about T was how closed minded he was. He was closed minded about EVERYTHING. He would never listen to music outside his genre, or play games outside his preference. He is even closed minded about his friends, too. He would never try to make friends, T thinks the friends he has are enough. If someone does try to become T's friend, they would just be rejected by ignorance and mean looks.

That's a lot of baggage, some would agree. He only became friends with the first bunch of people he met, and he enjoyed hanging out with them so much, he couldn't imagine trying to make another.

He gets annoyed by how many times people suggest to him: ''Go visit the lake!'' He cannot go a day without hearing something like that. It angers him to the core.

However, that day, T decided he would finally go visit it, but at night.

He arrived there after traveling across the forest and was greeted with a surprise. The lake at night is something else, when no one is around, it feels like you have it all to yourself. All the serenity, for you. And no one else.

Only a few people have been to the lake at night. Many people at that time are usually asleep or don't even want to bother.

T stared in shock and awe at the sight. He felt like this was a dream, but he didn't want to pinch himself awake because he wanted to stay forever, but nothing can be forever. So he tried to make this trip last.

He walked around the perimeter of the lake to get a good look at every angle. He tried to find the best one but they were all great in their self. Simply wonderful.

He took his shoes and socks off and threw them far, not caring where they would land, and dipped his feet in the water. He leaned both his arms behind him and rested them on the soft grass.

You could see the full moon's reflection taking up a big chuck of the lake, almost as big as the lake itself.

T enjoyed it so much, he tired himself out. He thought of just doing one thing before he would leave for his house, skipping rocks at the lake.

So he grabbed a few, and did off with just that.

A perfect end to a perfect trip, he thought to himself, lying on the grass. He tried to enjoy the sleep but kept thinking that something was definitely off.

He sat up again and looked around, nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary. He got up and looked around just to be safe. Was there a dangerous animal walking about? There have been sights of animals like deer, fish, frogs and such but nothing too dangerous like a lion or a wolf.

Still, he just had a hunch that something was off.

As he walked back to his resting place, he heard a rustle in the bushes to the left of him. He had to check what it was, he was always curious, all his life.

He walked up very slowly and cautiously to the shaking bushes. Not knowing what to expect.

And the next thing one would hear, even if they were in bed, was a loud scream, almost as loud as a ship horn.

What was in those bushes, I don't know, but T sure did. And he laid there on the grass, on his back.

Dead.


Chapter 2: show
Chapter 2

''Local resident of Runouw City, Tsutarja, has been reported missing by his friend MKSTAR.

Tsu's friend, MKSTAR, file a missing person report after claiming to have not seen him in the past two days. MK stated that he and Tsu last talked on the night of August 3rd, right before they were both heading for bed. He also states that Tsu showed little signs of possibly visiting Runouw Lake, past the Gaming building. MK explained it all with this:''

''Well, right before he were both heading home. He kept saying things like:

'Hmm, the lake, I think I should go there sometime.'

Or...

''Visiting the lake might sound good.'

He had never said things like that before, he never thought about visiting it. I asked if he was gonna go there after I left and he said 'No.'

After he walked off in separate directions to our house, that was the last I saw of him.''

''Police are currently investigating the lake right now, searching in the water, the bushes, anywhere they might find him. We will be sure to update you once we can.

This has been Buffooner, with Runouw News, Channel 4.''

T, Tsutarja, whatever you would call him, is now dead, and has been reported missing for two days.

Horrifying, death is truly horrifying. No one knows where he is, and none of the citizens want to even think for a second the possibility of him being dead. All of Runouw City is extremely worried. People are already making up theories...

''It's the curse of the lake!''

''It was his first time there! It makes sense!''

''The lake legends are phony, why would you believe something like that?''

If one would put the pieces together, Tsu giving hints of possibly visiting the lake, and after he visits, he's been gone for two days. Lake theories only add to the widespread panic of the situation. No one knows if he was killed, or is just missing or maybe even unconscious somewhere, anywhere.

He could have been shot to death, clawed to death by a viscous wolf. The possibilities are endless. No one knows what to do about this situation. Tsu was a loved citizen of the city. It would be truly tragic if anything were to happen to him. You would see a missing person report of a new citizen a few days after they visited the lake. And all these reports end in the exact same way, after a week, police call off the search and they are never seen again. What if the same thing were to happen to Tsu? Every one was worried sick.

A few citizens, although not much, around 4 or 5, have been calling the missing person report 'unneeded'. They think that two days isn't long enough to report someone as missing. They think that maybe he was simply on vacation or just sick or, in the slight possibility, just wanted some time away from Runouw City. The people that say this also believe that all lake theories are utterly false. Coincidence?

So you may be asking, what happened to the body? That, unfortunately, is a question that simply cannot be answered. It's hard to tell, and trying to think of a possible answer would just spawn more questions. ''Maybe Tsu went on vacation?'' ''Well why didn't he tell anyone before he left?'' Or: ''Maybe he wanted a break.'' ''Well, if that was the case then he would have informed SOMEBODY.''

''This is Buffooner, reporting live with Runouw News, Channel 4 with an update on the Missing Tsu case.

Police have just recently found a torn piece of fabric caught on a branch in the forest off to the west from the lake. We believe this piece of material was ripped from the shirt Tsutarja was wearing, on the night of his sudden disappearance. Police showed this startling piece of evidence to Tsu's close friend, MK, he had this to say:''

''A blue piece of fabric, ripped from most likely a t-shirt. I vaguely remember Tsu wearing a blue cotton shirt on the night I saw him before he disappeared. I don't pay too much attention to what people wear when I talk to them, shirts, pants, even gloves. But now that I see this....yeah, it's all starting to come back to me now...

''So you can confirm that this ripped piece of blue material came from Tsutarja's shirt, which he was wearing on the night of his disappearance?'' A local policeman asks.

''Yes, I am one hundred percent certain that that came from Tsu's shirt that night.''

Police will investigate further in the forest to try and find Tsu. We all hope and pray that Tsu is alright, and that we will see him in the near future.

Once again, this has been Buffooner, Runouw News, Channel 4.''

You could in MK's dark blue eyes, the sadness he was no doubt trying to hide. Because if he couldn't, he might have sat down and burst into tears right then and there. His pitch-black coloured hair, and is bangs blowing wildly in the wind, covering his eyes. He would take his hand and move them out of the way every five seconds. No one had ever seen him without his glasses until then, for an unknown reason, he decided not to wear them to that interview.

This was a first in any missing person report to date. Whenever someone goes missing, local police find no evidence. No watches, nor glasses, nothing at all. You can tell every one was watching that news broadcast, because out in the streets, everyone was talking about it. This sure caught everyone by surprise, like a sucker punch.

That ripped piece of fabric, found on a branch of a tree approximately 80 feet from the west exit of Runouw Lake, will definitely take the search team further in this investigation, they might even go far enough to find Tsu. But if they do, a tragic sight will fall before them. Because whatever state Tsu will be in, whether he will still have all his limbs or not, whether he will still have a head or not, no one would want to see a sight anything like that.

Citizens everywhere saying things like:

''Wow, shocking! I've never seen someone like that!''

Or:

''A piece of Tsu's shirt? The police will definitely find him''

''BREAKING NEWS

Policemen have closed down Runouw Lake until further notice due to orders from the mayor of the city, Runouw. Anyone seen trying to trespass into the perimeter of the forest will be charged a fee.''

Only time will tell what will happen next.


Chapter 3: show
Chapter 3

Two men awkwardly stare at each other across a desk. The only sound coming from any of them are coughs and clearing their throats of phlegm. The man facing the window decides to break the silence.

''Quite strange, isn't it?'' He says, avoiding eye contact with the man across from him. A couple moments of more silence followed, the man facing the window annoyingly rolled his eyes out of boredom. The man across him finally replies with a simple ''Meh.''

Only more awkwardness arose from that comment. The man facing the window starts to get angry and slams with fist on the desk. ''Listen Runouw, you've got to do something about this!'' He shouts. ''Me? If I remember correctly, you were the one barging in my office requesting me to look at this folder of the new citizens' name of this week.'' Runouw took the file from his hand and casually drops it on the table, making a soft, but noticeable noise. The man facing the window looks at the file in anger, like he was gonna rip it up any second now. ''If you're so worried about this situation, then take care of it yourself.'' Runouw continued. ''A citizen with no name is not the end of the world.''

The man replies worriedly. ''I have never seen this thing happen before, sir!'' He says as he shakes his head in confusion. The man puts his left hand over his black coloured bangs trying to piece it all together. ''A man, no name, new citizen. Does it not worry you?''

''No, it shouldn't worry you either, Suyo.'' Runouw says as he rubs his shoulder.

''Well, we have him waiting in the lobby downstairs, sir. We have to talk to him.'' Suyo replies.

Runouw let out a big sigh, and the room went silent for another moment. He presses a button on the telephone. ''Send him in.''

A minute passes, and footsteps can be heard, faint footsteps, which only got louder the more time passed. Suyo twiddles his thumbs in anxiousness. There has never been a citizen in Runouw City before. Was this a prank? Or did his parents not give him a name when he was born? Runouw watched the his office door and didn't take his eyes off of it. Not even blinked. The doors slowly creaked open, and the citizen peaked his head in the small gap. Suyo whispered to Runouw: ''Hey, he's here.'' Runouw gave him a mean look and let the kid in.

''Um....Uh, did I do something wrong?'' The kid said.

Suyo and Runouw both put on similar surprised faces. To their surprise, the ''boy'' they both thought the kid was, was actually a girl.

Suyo and Runouw stared in confusion, making the girl feel awkward.

''Um, are you two alright?'' She said quietly with her arms behind her back. She seemed well mannered, dressed appropriately, didn't seem mean at all. The only odd thing about her would be the fact that she has no name.

Runouw snapped out of his confusion: ''Uh, um, sorry, that was awfully unprofessional...'' Runouw leaned forward and smacked Suyo in the back of his head to bring back to reality. ''OW! What'd you do that for?'' He yelled in anger. ''Sorry, there was a bug on your head. If you will change back to real life mode, you'll notice the girl you told security to get is here.

Suyo shook his head and rubbed his eyes, he was completely lost after zoning out so suddenly. He stood up explained why the girl was brought to Runouw's office.

''Um, well, uh, YOU!'' He tried avoiding eye contact with her. ''You were brought here because, um, because um...'' Runouw cut off Suyo's words and took over explaining. ''Suyo, get your head out of your ♥♥♥ please?'' Suyo sat back down on his chair and hanged his head in embarrassment. ''I apologize for my...friend's behaviour. You were sent here because this guy brought to my attention that you didn't sign up with a name. It's not an apocalyptic matter but apparently he thinks so. Please, take a seat.''

The girl grabbed the chair and sat down, placing both her hands on her knees and looked down at the grey carpet floor, feeling uncomfortable due to it being her first time in Runouw's office. Suyo rested his chin on his hand and stared at her. She looked over slightly at him a few times, feeling uncomfortable. It didn't take long for Runouw to notice. ''Damn it Suyo...'' He said under his breath. ''If you're gonna stare at her all day, maybe try asking her out first, eh?'' Suyo quickly snapped out of it and stood up again. ''Hey hey! I just...saw a bug on her face, but I didn't want to kill it because uh...I don't kill bugs...'' Suyo's cheeks turned red in a matter of seconds. The girl giggled a little bit, then looked back down at the floor. ''Well, would you look at that.'' Runouw said with a big grin. ''You actually got a girl to laugh, Suyo. How does it feel?''

Suyo looked the other way and tried to pretend he didn't hear that. He was already embarrassed enough as it is. He let out a big groan and shifted his chair farther away from the girl.

''Runouw, we've been sitting here screwing around for too long, what are you gonna do about this?'' Suyo said unenthusiastically, still staring randomly at a wall.

''I feel it would be more necessary to worry about the lake and Tsu being recently reported missing. Rather than talk endlessly about something as primitive as this.'' Runouw got out of his office chair and walked to his coffee machine. He grabbed 2 mugs from his cupboard. ''Hey, Suyo, want some joe?'' He jokingly asked. Suyo replied with a monotone ''Sure.'' And continued to stare at the wall. Runouw started brewing up some coffee and stared at the girl, who was still looking down at the ground. She looked up and noticed him looking right at her, she immediately looked away, trying not to blush. Runouw uttered casually..."So, what about you? Since you don't have a name, I don't know what to call you, you want some coffee, as well?'' The girl appeared more tense than before, and very quietly answered ''Yes.'' ''Well, OK then. But look at that! I only have two mugs! So you two will have to share!'' Runouw began laughing hysterically, you would never see him in this kind of mood. It's unusual for him. The girl quickly gasped and grew more tense. As if she was gonna run out any time now. Suyo didn't react much.

''Shut up.'' Suyo said softly, hoping Runouw wouldn't hear.

''What was that?'' Runouw asked.

''Nothing...'' He replied.

''So, I guess you won't be getting any coffee, it would sure do you some good, considering the mood you're in. But nope. You're in luck, kid, looks like you won't have to share with Ms. Butthurt over there.''

Runouw began pouring the coffee into the mugs, without Suyo or the girl noticing, Runouw opened up the same cupboard and grabbed another mug and poured the rest of the coffee into that. Which only filled up to about halfway. He took the three mugs and brought them over to his desk. Suyo quickly noticed the three mugs on the desk. ''Hey, what's the big idea? I thought there were only two mugs!'' Suyo said. Runouw picked up the half-full mug of coffee and took a sip of it. ''Nah, that was just a joke. And you two should be lucky that I'm so nice. I filled up your mugs all the way while I am left with a half-full mug.

Suyo reached over and grabbed the full mug. He began drinking it really fast, not seeming to care about how hot it was. He reached over again and grabbed the last mug on the desk and handed it over to the girl. She looked up and was surprised, but quickly grabbed the mug. ''Thank you...'' She said softly to Suyo. Suyo turned back and drank his coffee. ''Hey slow down there, you'll burn your tongue right off!'' Runouw cheekily said. ''Oh, so now you're gonna tell me how to drink my coffee?'' Suyo replied. Runouw looked back at Suyo, who was wearing an angry face. Runouw didn't say a thing back to him. The girl sat there as still as a rock, like she was a painting hanging in a museum. She didn't go as far as to lift the coffee mug, was she waiting for it to cool? Or was something else on her mind?

The room went silent for a minute or two. Runouw was staring at the both of them, Suyo at the wall and the girl at the floor. Look at what I'm dealing with, Runouw thought. I've got Grumpy McPMSing over to my right and I've got no name McSilent over to my left. This is quite a day.

Runouw then broke the silence and said: ''Hey Suyo, you wanna make our guest here comfortable? Why don't you two take a walk together? Get to know each other more, that's something I think you'll like! Hahaha!''

''OH MY GOD SHUT THE HELL UP!'' Suyo stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs. He took his mug and threw it against the wall and grabbed Runouw by his collar.

''Listen you little prick! There have been many problems happening to the city lately, a no named citizen and whole deal with Tsu. And you think this is ample time to act like a joking smart ♥♥♥?''

Runouw couldn't say anything, he was too shocked by how Suyo was reacting, he looked over at the girl, who was curled up in a ball on the chair with tears in her eyes. Suyo looked over and saw her, she was scared stiff. Suyo let go of Runouw and walked over slowly, trying not to scare her even more. She looked up and saw him, she gasped, jumped out of the chair and hid in the corner. ''Hey, it's OK, did I startle you?'' Suyo said gently, trying to keep the situation calm.

''D-Don't come any closer!'' She said, with fear in her eyes, looking straight at Suyo. Runouw sat back down, straightened his shirt and said: ''You can be excused, you don't have to stay in this hellhole of an office, you're down here.'' The girl didn't take her eyes off of Suyo, she slowly opened the office door and ran out. Leaving the sounds of footsteps growing fainter and fainter.

''Suyo, please have a seat.'' Runouw said.

Suyo grabbed his chair that was tipped on its side on the ground. He kept silent and didn't say a word, he looked at the mes he made. Glass shards everywhere, coffee stains of the rug. ''That was quite a stunt you pulled there, I was gonna talk seriously with the girl after our little coffee break. But I'll be lucky if she stays another day after what she witnessed. Are you crazy? It was her first day here! You'd be lucky if you didn't scar the poor girl!''

Suyo stared in awe at what he did. ''D-Did I do this?'' He said slowly. Trying to comprehend what happened. ''I...don't know what came over me. And she, she left. She thinks I'm a monster.''

''Why don't we all gather ourselves and continue where we left off tomorrow, aye?'' Runouw stood up and walked over and opened the door. ''Maybe you should go home and simmer down a bit. If you happen to see the girl on your way home, do not let her see you.''

''Yes sir...'' Suyo walked out of Runouw's office and went home. Runouw began picking up the pieces of glass, receiving many cuts in the process.

''Damn it, what am I gonna do...'' He uttered under his breath.
Last edited by Avo on August 19th, 2011, 11:22 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Legend of The Lake

Postby SuperMIC » August 17th, 2011, 7:34 am

Very nice chapter Avo! :D i loved it. Especially the end. One grammatical error, methinks...

They were all great in their self.


Their self>themselves, methinks. ;)

Anyway, this chapter was a great success. This chapter has the miracle of giving you a lot of space to work with. :D At this point, you've left the reader with a cliff-hanger but also wrote the other parts of the chapter so a multitude of events would be plausible when lookig at this one. It takes great skill to do that, moreso not to bore the reader. Very good job Avo. :)

I think the plot at this point is very original, never seen a lake of Runiuw used in a story before. Obviously, protagonist and antagonist have yet to be noticed... but I feel is that the Prologue and chapter One could be melded into one sole topic. I think usually the main goal of Chapter one is to reveal the protagonist, maybe the antagonist (but maybe not) and most of the conflict. Howevet, your chapter one would be easily disguisable as the prologue.

But no harm done. Still an enjoyable read. You MAY want to merge the two and thrn use what would be your Chapter 2 as Chapter 1. But this is just nit-picky stuff. Don't have to if you don't wanna. :P

I sometimes forget you guys are story mods. Haha. :)

9.5/10

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Re: Legend of The Lake

Postby Avo » August 17th, 2011, 9:02 pm

Thanks for the review, SMic!

BEEP BEEP, CHAPTER 2 HAS ARRIVED, BEEP BEEP
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Re: Legend of The Lake

Postby MessengerOfDreams » August 17th, 2011, 9:57 pm

The premise is indeed promising, and this story has this cosmic feel to it, otherworldly and dystopian. It's disorienting, but in a good way.

The writing needs a bit of touchup. The structure is very good and such like that, as well as the characteristics, but what you gotta take to heart is "Show, not tell." You tell us all about the lake and then show us, but really, you should just have T be the example of how amazing the lake is, and have him show us how schmancy it is instead of going into a schpiel about how gorgeous the lake is.

Other than that, pretty good!

8.25/10
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Re: Legend of The Lake

Postby *Emelia K. Fletcher » August 18th, 2011, 3:13 am

Wait a moment, Tsu and me are friends? *WTFBOOM*

I know, I'm friendly, but he's anything but returning...

Ah well. I got a role in a story at least. :awe:

Also, because I haven't seen anyone use it lately, :awe: :awe: :awe:

EDIT: Also, two mistakes: My eyes are black and I don't have bangs, whatever they are. You were right about the hair and the glasses, though. I rarely take them off.


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Re: Legend of The Lake

Postby SuperMIC » August 18th, 2011, 9:13 am

Hm... an interesting chapter. I really think that the only thing that I didn't like about it was the way the chapter was written. I'm not sure if this is what you're going for at the moment, but I don't really think a simple News report can actually cover all of the feelings in these few events.

I think you might write something in third-person and really stress the feelings MK supposedly (I said supposedly, all right MK? :troll: ) feels for Tsu.

Other than that, the rest was good. Language was flawless.

8.75/10 for this, I think.
<Arocado:> I'm Asian.
PROOF.

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Re: Legend of The Lake

Postby Blablob » August 19th, 2011, 7:10 am

Okay, the big problem I'm finding in your story right now is that you've characterized Tsu as being extremely arrogant, but yet, you try to build sympathy for him after he goes missing. It just doesn't seem to fit at all. Also, some of your descriptions could use some work. The night that Tsu goes to visit the lake, you put a ton of emphasis on how "amazing" the lake is without really delving into why. You've also referred to the audiance multiple times now, which just seems a bit off-putting for the story. You've also made yourself sound clueless at a few points, and you're the narrator, so again, it just doesn't quite fit.

I can't comment too much on plot, because what you've given us between the Prologue and the first two chapters, we only have the basic premises of the story; there's a lake in the city of Runouw.com that happens to be "haunted"--you haven't even introduced the protagonist yet. So, with that said, things are kicking off a bit slow. Though there's definitely potential; you've already provided us the conflict of the story, so now it's time to work on plot development.

Aside from a few unfitting descriptions, the writing is pretty good. There were a few grammar mistakes, but it's nothing major; you spelled Prologue wrong. :troll:

We'll see where this goes, Avo. The big issue now is the method you're using to describe everything; you as the narrator should not sound so confused about what's going on, and you need to be careful not to contradict yourself with character personalities. Other than that, this was done fairly well. Good job!
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Re: Legend of The Lake

Postby nin10mode » August 19th, 2011, 8:27 am

Ah... I do agree with Blab on your narration. It sounds too much like 1st person writing. The narrator is supposed to be the omniscient figure that knows what's going on.

I've never read a mystery novel before, but I'm fairly sure this isn't the correct way to write a 3rd person mystery. Make the narrator less of a character and more of a narrator.
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Re: Legend of The Lake

Postby Avo » August 19th, 2011, 11:23 pm

Alright, Chapter 3 is out! I hope you enjoy!
Credit to Ridder for the awesome going-away avatar (:
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Re: Legend of The Lake

Postby *Emelia K. Fletcher » August 20th, 2011, 1:50 am

Let's see if you edited my description... *goes to read*

EmKayEDIT: Nope. But good chapter, anyway.


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