Legend of The Lake

[nin10mode]

Huh... Not seeing much plot developing right now. How many chapters are you planning this to be?

[Avo]

Let's see if you edited my description... *goes to read*

EmKayEDIT: Nope. But good chapter, anyway.

How am I supposed to know what you look like? A story character doesn't have to reflect on that person's looks or personality.

Huh... Not seeing much plot developing right now. How many chapters are you planning this to be?

I don't know. I'm not planning for it to be short.

[*Emelia K. Fletcher]

Let's see if you edited my description... *goes to read*

EmKayEDIT: Nope. But good chapter, anyway.

How am I supposed to know what you look like? A story character doesn't have to reflect on that person's looks or personality.

Huh... Not seeing much plot developing right now. How many chapters are you planning this to be?

I don't know. I'm not planning for it to be short.

You got my glasses and dark hair right. My eyes are black and I don't have bangs.

But still, not to nitpick.

[Blablob]

Alrighty, well, Chapter 3 was fairly better. Still a few issues with your writing (you shouldn't combine two different character quotes into one paragraph; they should be split up) but other than that I find it as a reasonable improvement over your past chapters. I'm guessing that we're just finally getting to meet the protagonist(s), and I think this is where everything seems to have gone downhill. You've characterized Runouw almost like some kind of a child--the real shocker were the few instances he sweared at Suyo, so despite being the Admin, he really seems immature. The other thing that bothered me was the part when Suyo attacked Runouw; not only does this attack feels anti-climatic, it also seems very unfitting for the characters, even despite the stress they might be undergoing. I know that this is a story and you're encouraged to be creative, but the fact that you've based this off of the forums means that the characters should have some kind of resemblance to their real life counterparts, and right now, that's what I think you're missing.

So, plot development is little (which I'm a bit worried about since you've mentioned your plan for this to be a short story; so I don't know if we're just starting slow, but you have to pick it up somewhere down the line). Despite a few flaws in your characterization (and I frankly don't care about physical appearance; personality is much more significant), the girl with no name was a bit interesting. Quiet, nice, shy, and no name, so right now she's a bit of a mysterious character even though her reaction to Suyo's enragement reminds us that she's still a girl. Though right now her personality seems a bit stale, so we'll see how you develop her along the line.

[SuperMIC]

I'd... have to agree with Blab. Suyo and Runouw remind me of immature teenagers arguing over a game of Runescape. Sure, it was pretty funny, but I just can't understand why Suyo is so rash and Runouw so cheeky. As with what Ninny said, there also wasn't much plot development here. I agree with Blab as well that I think we're CLOSE to discovering who the protagonist is, but... again, Runouw and Suyo scared her, well mainly just Suyo, away.

Oh well. Regardless, it was an enjoyable read. No language errors. Yummy.

8.25/10

-SuperMIC

[Avo]

So, plot development is little (which I'm a bit worried about since you've mentioned your plan for this to be a short story; so I don't know if we're just starting slow, but you have to pick it up somewhere down the line)

I'm just getting in to the setting and the problems, the main protagonist has been revealed, but is still building. (BTW, I didn't say it was gonna be short. I actually wanted to make this fairly long)

[Blablob]

So, plot development is little (which I'm a bit worried about since you've mentioned your plan for this to be a short story; so I don't know if we're just starting slow, but you have to pick it up somewhere down the line)

(BTW, I didn't say it was gonna be short. I actually wanted to make this fairly long)

Oh, nevermind, that was just a misreading on my part.

[Avo]

No prob. I think I'll be getting more into the plot next chapter. And will be developing the protagonist as well. So look for it.