A Question of Answers
Posted: August 17th, 2011, 11:24 amDo not read for your pleasure. Read for the truth. And above all, read at your own discretion.
If I've already started to frighten you a bit, let me take this moment to apologize for doing so (from here on out, I may not get the chance again). I do not write now with the hopes of scaring you off; I greatly urge you to read this. For the first time in your life, you may finally understand what you truly want, and likewise, what you don't want. Though it is in the best interest for everyone that I write this, it is quite difficult to speak of my own personal standpoint, but it cannot be done any other way.
Perhaps I am delving too far into the issue, however, for I have not even begun to explain how it all began. Some might say it originates from the very day I was born, or from the moment in history power even became an abstract idea of interest. And that is the core idea behind this story, friends. Power. Confidence, motivation, and evil, to a certain degree. This is not about the corruption of power, however. This is about the question of what matters most to a human being, how such a matter can be achieved, and how, in the inevitable end of us all, that question of interest becomes unjustifiable corruption.
Thus, I must say the true beginning of this story reaches back to when I first joined the forums, for this story is a very personal experience, coupled with a much higher morale. I once did not understand what evil lies in power, even a scrap of power, much like you. After all, isn't power the goal of us all? Whether physically, emotionally, or morally, can it not be coincided that every human strives to be unique in their own way? I suppose it can, for supremacy is not the evil here. Power will never defeat humans; humans will defeat humans. If a man takes a gun and shoots you in the head, it was not the gun that killed you, but the man behind the gun that controlled what the gun did. We do not fear power. We fear the misuse of power.
And I fear my rise to Global Mod position is what has led me to such an idea.
Granted, some people, including myself at one point, do not mind their role of authority; this is why people, such as Suyo, will not complain about their duties. Moreover, this is not a story about self-trust; I find myself very capable of the job. And much like you, I didn't walk into the forums thinking I'd deserve such a position. No, I walked in, looking to have some fun, and that's what I did.
Those were the days when Super Mario 63 practically led the forums with its popularity. I remember clear as day when we were allowed to post levels in the chat (though it wasn't too long afterwards that people became angry about this, and a new rule became enforced). Even then, the rules were taken rather lightly; we were laid back, chilled, happy. I got warned twice, but so what? That doesn't matter; it was not a question of right and wrong, because we had fun. Wrong is just an abstract conclusion by the human conscience--wrong itself could be the wrong idea. That is why, unfortunately, opinions differ, nations oppose, and wars take place. Is it wrong to enjoy ourselves and each other's presence, even if we do step out of line once in a while? A line that may not even potentially exist? (Or perhaps we just can't see it.)
It was a simpler time, when I was a simpler person. A careless person, a happier person. And blind--much like you.
Of course, the thought finally (though quickly) hit me that it was time to wake up. It was good to have fun, but was it not better to have a sense of decency? Then again, it was still a question as to how we define this so-called sense of "fun", because as far as I could see, my mornings and afternoons on the forums consisted of chatting, posting, and making topics (a handful of which were quickly locked). Was this my nonsensical preference of entertainment here, or was it just pure nonsense? The inevitable fact that I came to realize was that I was just like every other user on the forums that came and went; one day I would leave either due to boredom, or due to being banned. Then I would move on, having not left any kind of mark of remembrance of the forums. I didn't matter. So, anxiously, I decided to change my ways. This was a silent decision filled with much pondering that many people can never hope to understand. The difficulty was that I had no one to consult about this, I had no one to be mad at or to even ask advice for. I was alone.
Perhaps I sound a bit exaggerative here, and looking back now, you may perhaps be correct about that notion. Though one cannot hope to understand the pain behind another until one has stood in another's shoes. I didn't mourn, I merely felt contempt to stick with my ways. To put it simply, it was about time I grew up.
This process of "growing up" involved more of a moral acceptance than you could ever hope to understand; to say it was simple would be an utter lie. It wasn't long after my second warning that I finally decided enough is enough. I read the rules all the way through as thoroughly as I could in order to avoid any other incidents from occurring. As I read through the list, it came to my realization that my previous mistakes were simple ones that could have easily been avoided. Despite the difficulty, however, I promised myself I would remain optimistic in order to retain a clear process of thought. I decided it would be best to tackle any situation, good or bad, with a sensible ability of judgment rather than a harsh, impractical one.
At first, this seemed to prove nearly impossible. Though I tried my best to never show it, I became nearly furious in some of the instances in chat, where flame wars and arguments would occur almost regularly, and almost always under the most idiotic circumstances. And although I remained calm through my posts, there was no way to deny that my anger clouded my judgment. This was accompanied with much emotional pain because, although I never expressed interest in the position, how could I ever hope to become a Mod with this type of behavioral pattern?
The truth being told, I actually wanted to become a Mod. It was my mark on the forums, my proof that I matter, that I made a difference. Of course, this was a goal I shared simultaneously with dozens of other members, so my odds were quite slim. Even today, I wonder if it was against the odds that I became a Mod, if I played my cards right or if it was just the blessing of luck? The moment that Demonik had departed from the forums seemed to have begun it all. I was asked personally if I wanted the position, and what other answer was there to comply aside from an eager "yes"? His offering and my agreement made it seem certain that I would become a Mod, but was it because I earned it, or solely because I had the chance, the luck, to consult Demonik at the time of his decision? Was it his loss that caused my gain? Did I truly deserve the position? Answer this question for yourself, for I did not ponder over it then, because as the decision was made and certain, to ask myself if I deserved it or not would prove pointless; only looking back now does this question seem to constantly hang over my head--only now does it haunt me.
You may ask yourself now why I let myself become bothered by such nonsense, for I mentioned earlier the pride I take in my position. But you see, the essentiality to my back-story stirs not from the corruption of power, but rather the very opposite. Metaphorically speaking, some of the world's most powerful rulers were born into such power; they did not earn it, yet it was theirs. It is not our actions that cause such miracles; it is those very miracles that decide our actions. What does this tell us, and how can we relate? There's much to tell us about how luck aids us--and likewise, mars us--in the world. If a child is born with ADHD, his eventual struggles through life are already apparent to the parents, and unfortunately inevitable, and through what fault of the child? If I win the lottery, am I destined for a life of prosperity, or one of misery?
This is not about the mystery of fate. Destiny does not control us--we control destiny.
Who's to say I ever truly wanted to become a Mod for the right reason, as you may equally ask yourself? An element of selfishness does exist in all of us. Do you truly believe you deserve to be a Mod, that you can make a difference for the benefit of everyone, or is it the "thrill", the mystery, of power that generates your lust to have it? To be frank, this is how I view myself. Perhaps I believed that I could better the forums through my own judgment, and Demonik seemed to consent; and thus, here I was as one of the leaders of the forums, living the dream I had always imagined since the day I entered the forums, but to a magnificent loss.
Of course, now you believe that I bicker over complete nonsense, that Demonik's departure was through his own motives and through no fault of mine, and ultimately, the job of a Moderator was a position I was fit to have, and it was merely a matter of time before I had it. You speak blindly, to say the least. I resent becoming a Global Mod, or becoming a Mod of any kind, for one reason--and this reason does not consist of my inability to handle any situation, or the lack of trust I have in myself, or even the fact that I don't want the job.
I resent becoming a Global Mod because it has destroyed my childhood.
You probably think that I sound like a crazy fool. Truthfully, you may be right. Perhaps I am speaking gibberish, or it is possible that you simply cannot comprehend it. Becoming a Global Mod--which I must point out was the result of MICrophone's departure, which you may want to keep it mind--opened my eyes more than ever what I meant to the forums. Both a leader and a friend, I realized that my choices symbolized the website in its entirety, due to my role. My power. And to simply refuse such a privilege would be a slap in my own face--almost nobody ever gets an offer like this, where the other leader of the site, Suyo, comes up to you and asks you personally if you want to reside as the co-leader of Runouw.com, to offer you the dream you thought would never become a reality, to bring into question a true blessing that couldn't be passed up. "No" was simply not an answer.
And yet, it was that one word that could have potentially saved me from such a huge commitment towards the site. Commitment was precisely the problem. I had the ability, and I had the enthusiasm, and thus, I was open-arms to my responsibility, but to what avail? I spent every day aiding the forums, any time I saw the opportunity to do so. My time was sunken up; I couldn't do anything else. This was, in a sense, my occupation. Though I had the mindset of a teenager, I had the obligation of an adult. My growth and rise to moderation has matured me throughout the years, but what you may not seem to realize is that maturity and responsibility are not synonymous--we can have one without the other. It is, after all, the ability to maintain an intellectual, multi-sided opinion that defines maturity, and the burden of dependability is not necessarily needed. And thus, several questions arise. Was the privilege of power truly worth what I had lost in the long run? Would my infantile behavior have ever dissipated had I chosen to "grow up" for any other reason, and not for the sake of gaining supremacy?
But more importantly: Where had the fun gone?
Power gifts us with its charming ability of motivation, to give us incentive to fulfill our requests, selfish or otherwise, but it also burdens us with its eventual, unfaithful capability to improve us in spirit and mentality, only so much that we may grieve over how things could have been better without it. Power is not just a bullet inside the gun; power is also mental. What if Hitler had the intelligence to prevent his horrifying actions, to pinpoint clearly at the blurring line that splits right from wrong? What if I had decided I didn't want the Global Mod position in order to pass up the weight of responsibility, but not my maturity? What if the man behind the gun had the guts to put it down, to see the blurring line and notice his mistakes, to decide what to do that that was not only for the good of him, but for the good of everyone around him?
We do not fear power. We fear the misuse of power.
