What Once Was

[lordpat]

Prologue review.

So, let's start facing the problems.

I dislike the "self-physical description". When a narrator is the main character, you can't make it describe itself physicaly. It feels forced. I'm talking about: "My eyes are dulled in their hazel color, and my facial hair is unkempt and shaggy." I get it, he was looking at colorless life, but maybe you should try "I watched my self in the mirror, I saw...." to make it feel more realistic and less forced.

Then, there were minor logical problems. I think that if somebody is so violent to kick the bartender's knee, would actually steal his friend's scotch without asking. Or at least after he didn't asnwer. Also, it's strange how inside the tabern he doesn't care about the fact that nobody answers him (only about his scotch) and as soon as he gets out, he's incredibly woried. I think there's a transition missing.

Well, now, let's go with the pros.

The story is wonderfully written. It's easy to understand the situations and the feeling of the main character. It doesn't go of making overcomplicated stuff, like many stories from this kind go. Points for that.
I also like the confilct: a city, a construction, is nothing without people. Which is a rather intresting problem for such a selfish characater. His reactions, his metaphors, everything makes sense and it's just plainly brilliant. The main character is very well thought, and it by far the strongest thing in the prologue.
As a prologue, it makes in jobs very well. It's not a bunch of stupidities or a presentation of the setting. It's much more. It presents the problem in an instresting way. And makes me wanna read the rest of the story.

Ok, the prologue is really good. Some minor flaws, but nothing serious.

Score: 9/10

[Oranjui]

Good job. 9.8/10. Fix some typos and what the hell is going on with the text formatting. Other than that I'd say this is one of the best of your stories so far (not that I've read all ten thousand), even if you've fallen victim to a cliché or two. Keep going please.