Hey Avo, Awesome Stories! Great Job!

[JSlayerXero]

Can't wait for the next chapter. Just be prepared though, if I manage to find something wrong with your story I will make no effort to stop myself from making public note of it.

(On a side note, RedLink's epic sig is epic! It's actually almost time to change mine.)

His sig may be epic, but it's so big it might as well be a post all to itself.

[MessengerOfDreams]

I would LMAO if, as a final plot twist, he finds out Cali is his sister's account 0_o
(If he has a sister...)

No just a cousin.

[RokStar9001]

I wish people would reply in my new story's topic T_T
How do you like my new sig's quote?

[Avo]

I don't really understand why you are complaining about in my topic.

[SuperMIC]

I may read this later. But just browsing through... I find it hilarious that you have to create a girlfriend for yourself here. 60 year old virgin, indeed.

ლ(ಠ益ಠლ) STORIES FORUM. Y U NO HAVE THUMBS UP?

[Avo]

PART TWO PEEPS! Sorry if it seemed a little forced on the humour. But I hope you enjoy it!

[JSlayerXero]

This makes... 4. Screw it, finding the suicide bomber can wait. Besides, they're pretty easy to find if you look hard enough. The real question is where am I supposed to find 68 more virgins. (there is no appropriate smiley or I'd ad one)

Oh by the way, the breaking the 4th wall bits... I dunno if it really adds to the story or the humor much with the way it's executed.

[RokStar9001]

Nice. My favorite was definitely the "magical pixie" line xD
Sorry by the way, I posted the complaint in the wrong topic
I meant to put it in mine.
Spent some time trying to find a "delete post" button.

[SuperMIC]

Meh...

We'll start off with spelling and grammar. Hm... It was... okay... but you definitely didn't use quite a few words in correct context.

---

*KNOCK* *KNOCK* *KNOCK*

Are you going for a humorous and amusing story with proper grammar and such or one with... more blatant grammar?

You should know what's wrong... this makes your story seem more like a script and hardly a story at all.

''...Well, you're quite happy today aren't you?'' Avo procalimed.

I'm not sure if purposely spelling proclaimed as proCALImed was an intentional pun, or a typo. Either way, it's a wrong use of the word. You wouldn't really "proclaim" something in this current context. Proclaim makes it seem... more... I don't know, as if the character is sticking up his right hand and its index figure up and saying out loud, "THIS IS A PROCLAMATION!" Try "noticed out loud" or something along the lines of that.

''HEY NARRATORHOLE! NO 300 REFERENCES!'' Avo yelled.

Oh sorry. But yeah, back to the story.

This... this is just my opinion, but this is just one type of humour I find... in heavy terms... intolerable. I mean, it's WAY overused in real life, and didn't even make me smile. I would expect this from something like a fifth grader attempting to write a funny story. Its redundant. Not professionally amusing.

''Wait, what the hell is this doing glued on my face, dammit! NARRATOR! QUIT EXPLAINING THINGS IN WEIRD DETAIL!'' Avo yelled in anger.

Oops, once again, sorry.

Well anyway! BACK TO THE STORY! But before we do, Suyo has something to say.

You know what I already mean. But also, you have past-present verb tense confusion, "Suyo has" should be "Suyo had."

''Oh, no. I left a note on your front door, have fun, kthxbai and thanks for coming out of the clos--I MEAN, have a nice day.''

You know what's wrong...

And the two of them walked over to the bustling tavern, full of drinks, card games and people just waiting to release their virgin jokes.

''SHUT UP, DON'T JINX IT!'' Avo shouted.

Oh, sorry.

Hm, I don't think the mood is good enough in this review for me to leave a virgin joke with a troll face.

---

I still really don't like that it's just mainly dialogue. See, the problem is, Avo, you're trying REALLY hard to be funny, I can tell, but you're just casting everything else that would build a funny story and MUST be present aside. I can't tell what's going on. You hardly described Suyo's office, never mind almost nothing else. You have to understand just dialogue isn't funny. Because we can't UTILISE the humour of the characters unless you give us CONTEXT, and really the only way you can give us context is through DESCRIPTION and TEXT.

So, I really hope you don't hate me after this, you're a cool guy Avo. Please don't (lordpat) me.

7/10

-SMIC