Chapter 1
The first thing I notice is that the first bit is not what should be the first bit... there is no entryway into the story, there is no clue as to what is going on, and we're just starting with "Brando walked into the super secret mod forum." Why did he do that? Who is Brando? What is a mod forum? The first chapter should usually be short and a precursor to what the story about.
Anyway, This chapter is quite humorous... but over-the top and almost stupid... like bad cartoons (Oh god Fanboy/Chum Chum). Like here...
"Brandon, I don't mean to be rude or anything, but WHAT THE HECK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!?!"
and
"All right!" Four exclaimed. "We'll just grab whatever we can to fend off those idiots!!!" He picked up a chair. "YEAH!!"
"Umm, Four," brandobrawl said, "I'm still sitting on it."
Four suddenly realized that it was more than he could carry, and the chair fell on him. "OW!"
That's kinda what a noob writer does. Sure, you were back then... but still...
The Chapter is well-written, for the most part. I liked the 4chan reference... if you had said McLeod, it would have made sort of an opener for Kympo.
In other respects, it makes a good entry into the conflict, but you usually don't wanna do that till later in the story. Also, the Mods' personalities are set real easy. Four's the funny, wacky one, Suyo's the serious one and Niklaw's the Austrailan...Scottish stereotype? Maybe you should work on Niklaw a bit more.
And the ending- well done. I always look for a way to get people to want to read more, and you have done just that.
Chapter 2.
You see, this is the first thing I ever read when I read Runouw's Forum. The gateway drug.
The first forum story sentence I ever read was the sorta cheesy but lovable
At that moment, the sleeping figure of TheBetterGamer started moving. "Oh, you naughty girl," he said, murmuring in his sleep. "The President might see us. I don't think he'd like his supermodel wife seeing someone else!" Then he turned around, and started kissing the pillow next to him.
Nero and Ridder just stared. Brandobrawl started chuckling.
"I think...I'll pass," Ridder said.
There is so much right in that above sentence. Ridder- nailed. TBG- nailed.
I did like Alucard/Victor's dynamic. The random word argument was genius.
And I absolutely love the mods' dynamic. Their witty banter, their whole demeanor toward it, was exactly how I picture them. One of the best scenes ever.
Chapter 3
Why, why, why, WHY? Why did you introduce Alchemy into this story? That's when the mind f*ck began.
The existential Ridder/Brando thing was so confusing, so weird... it was a bad idea... and the Gay jokes? Old about the time Brandobrawl said, and I quote
"SAY THAT ONE MORE TIME AND I WILL PERSONALLY MAKE SURE THAT YOU SUFFER FOR THE REST OF YOUR MISERABLE EXISTENCE!!!"
I sympathize with him.
Still written well, and intriguing, but the ideas in this chapter, simply were confusing.
But I remember this quote clear as day
"Wow," Four said, stroking the giant Moderator Weapon in the from of a hammer with loving
admiration. "Now my life - is complete."
That's a legendary quote there. That's where ban hammer came from. This may be the most legendary quote ever spoken on this forum.
Speaking of which, still love the mods' dynamic. This could have been all about the 3 mods and admin, and I would have loved it.
Back to brando's side... people are gonna wonder what a Ventex Storm is... >_> And I still don't really get it. Even your effing characters are confused.
"You know," TheBetterGaner said, looking thoughtful, "it's kinda weird talking to ourselves, or myselves, or me, or-"
See?
The battle was a bit better, a bit clearer, and well-written. Let me just get this out of the way, the whole story was well written, OK? That's not your problem.
And... Seriously... I gotta make an Electric Death Shock Topic. XD
One complaint I have with this is that Mic... isn't quite Mic. Mic is cool, collected, serious on occasions, but kind. Not a goofball like this guy is.
Part 4 was where Chapter 3 shined. It was clear, cohesive, and made sense. Plus Ki11ah and Stran67ah were WASUM. Right off the bat you could tell they were total henchmen type people.
And you know what I picture you doing the entire time you fight? The group of you fighting in a weapons store in the mall. That's good. It puts images in our heads, which helps us see better. Kudos for that.
CHAPTER 4: RESISTANCE
For being such a patient and reasonable audience, I have something very special for you guys today. Instead of just one chapter, you get TWO. I’m also doing this because I want the story to advance quicker, and I want it to be done by February at the latest. ENJOY!
February at the latest. ENJOY!
February at the latest.
February
You know why I laugh.
Azn- EPICALLY F*CKING NAILED. I will say, no one was as spot on as Aznchau. I could hear his Youtube voice speaking every sarcastic witty comment.
Also, Kudos for explaining the alchemy to us. I get it a little more now. It also develops characters, as we see a buddy history between Azn and Brando.
BTW- Quote time!
“I’m not Russian! I’m German. Although I think my mom once mentioned that my grandpa’s neighbor was the three-times removed cousin of Hitler.”
I'm surprised Suyo didn't ban you...
“Y’ know,” Niklaw yelled out, so his companions could listen, “I’m startin’ to suspect somethin’.”
That’s what I just said.
“SHUT UP YA STUPID NARRATOR, DON’T THINK THAT JUST CAUSE YOU TELL THE STORY YOU CAN BLAB ON ABOUT BLABLA….BLA!”
Your humor was great, and is often great. But one thing you gotta watch out for is making sure you don't blur the line between action and comedy.Enter Rdgardg or whatever. I can hear a slimy smooth voice pouring from him every word he says. God you make me love this story.
And the backstory proves one thing- Those people who make bad levels, who chat like sh*t, they are all normal people and should be treated as such. Not like mutants sh*t out from Satan's ♥♥♥.
And another fight scene... the whole rest of the chapter can be summed up as well done in pretty much every way. GalaxyMario's warning made me scoot to the edge of my seat even now. Character introductions are done well, also. Icy-Glay's entry was done expertly, and Brando's mistake was game-changing.
Chapter 5
The biggest mistake you made was posting this in one big klump. It made it hard to read and unmemorable as a whole. I have to reread it because I still don't know what happened.
The previous fight scene- unmemorable. I barely glanced at it on reread. It was OK, but seriously... I think what it was is that forum pressure made you rush a bit.
Enter Buffooner and Jesse. Nice to toy with the girl in the forums thing. Also, Buff "Delights Me." But seriously, how manly does Jesse look to be mistaken for a guy? Like Lesbian Butch? What, does Timmy Turner do her voice? I mean, it should be relatively easy to spot a chick, and don't get me started on that.
On to Moy and Blablob. I would like to say I wouldn't give a flying rape if my character died in a hole. I hate him. Badly. He's annoying, he's a p*ssy, he's very geeky and... it's like you were trying to hard for comic relief. You overshot it. He's painful to watch. SMALL SEIZURES FROM FRIGHT? LADIES MAN? Do I act like that in forum life? I'm offended.
And then Mic died. But I didn't care. Because you didn't develop him well, long enough or true to him. It was too early to kill someone.
And the whole backstory? I still don't have a f*cking clue what happened!
And I don't care. It's not really relevant to teh story, like you hyped it to be... It was just kind of a "how Brandobrawl got his powers" story and could have been easily summarized in a couple paragraphs or so.In part 3, that's where it improved. Nice introduction of Raymond1996. I'm now counting down the moments till you introduce Linkdroid. Kind of a replacement for Rdgardg. The problem is, who is the real mastermind? It seems to change every chapter. Make up your mind.
The chase scene was well done, extremely well done. My favorite part?
You can only imagine Ki11ah and Stra61ah’s expressions at that moment. “HOLY CRAP, THAT THING IS ON FIRE!! AND IT’S COMING STRAIGHT AT OUR HEADS!!” Luckily for them, they ducked at the last moment, leaving Nero to miss them and cut their gigantic turret clean in half instead.
Sizzle.
Ki11ah sniffed the air. “Is it just me, or is my head on fire?”
“Your head is on fire,” confirmed Stran61ah.
“Oh, I thought so.”
“Well, good deduction.”
“Why thank you.”
“You’re very welcome, old pal.”
“…”
“…”
“AHHHHH!!!”
XD
More fight scenes. Good and all, but is taht all this is? Fight scenes? It gets harder and harder to enjoy the more we get. I'm nearly sick of them less than halfway in!
But I will say this. I'm sad to see Icy die. He was very well made.
And I love the lost-type conclusion you made by introducing the human world.
Well, that's all I have for now.
Summary: Your writing style is well done, and your humor, while over the top, is enjoyable, too. You do good, if not flooded, fight scenes. You do need to work on Character development and clarity, however.
8.5/10
Sorry it's not entirely worship.
