The EL33T

[MICrophone]

Wow. Really? This is not a freakin' complaint topic. This is about MOY's story. Can we please get back on-topic? Thank you.

[Megar]

I think i'll gamble for the rest of this story!

[MessengerOfDreams]

CHAPTER 3!

[Canine]

Yay! A story I finally read without ditching it! It's a really good story so far, but................







































Can "my sister" get kidnapped and never heard from again? X_x

[Buff_]

Nice writing style, could use some improvement, but I won't get into that right now.

I'm not really drawn in by this story, there is no sense of "Ooooh, what's gonna happen next?". It's like a progression of events, one after another with no real excitement. You need to get things moving with some tragic, or epic event that adds a cliffhanger at the end of a chapter. Kill someone maybe, I dunno, it's your choice of what to do with it. One more thing, you could add a little more detail. Explain the little things, like the side of the car, or a character; but don't forget to describe the big things too, they count as well.

Now to the good points. You seem to have your plot down nicely, using relatively unknown users in the story aspect of the forums; and as I said at the beginning, you have a nice writing style..

Now don't be bummed down by this, it's a good start and I see it becoming much better as it progresses; I could just go into more detail with the bad points..

So far, I give you a 6.7/10

[MessengerOfDreams]

I agree. Fair review!

In fact, I get inspiration!

[Yoshi Boo 118]

The story justs gets better and better. But I also believe that we need some suspense and action. 9/10 BRING IT ON!

[MICrophone]

Eh…this is still too slow. I really wanted something more dramatic to happen by now. As a reader, I'm inclined to lose interest. So yeah. MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN. PLEASE!!!

That said, it's still pretty good. Buff's criticism was very good, so go with that for me. So yeah.

[zebtrestalala]

Nice writing style, could use some improvement, but I won't get into that right now.

I'm not really drawn in by this story, there is no sense of "Ooooh, what's gonna happen next?". It's like a progression of events, one after another with no real excitement. You need to get things moving with some tragic, or epic event that adds a cliffhanger at the end of a chapter. Kill someone maybe, I dunno, it's your choice of what to do with it. One more thing, you could add a little more detail. Explain the little things, like the side of the car, or a character; but don't forget to describe the big things too, they count as well.

Now to the good points. You seem to have your plot down nicely, using relatively unknown users in the story aspect of the forums; and as I said at the beginning, you have a nice writing style..

Now don't be bummed down by this, it's a good start and I see it becoming much better as it progresses; I could just go into more detail with the bad points..

So far, I give you a 6.7/10

I would agree with Buff. Your cliffhangers so far have both ended on SS's drunkeness, which leaves something to be desired. I love the fact that you're giving people who aren't recognized all that much a time to shine. Time to share the love, people. I think so far you've made some pretty decent characters out of these lesser known people.

I think I can speak for everyone in saying that we're waiting for things to pick up. Give the EL33t their starting mission, or something. You've got some tension built up already between the people, now let's see how they hold out on the battlefield or whatever. Maybe some massive plot with people who aren't so supportive of RUnouw.com? Whatever you do, throw a spin on it that we don't normally see. After reading through the Runouw.com connection, I'm expecting good things from this story.

[YoshiKid54]

Great story! The plot was interesting.
No spelling errors!