A Human's Idle Madness
Posted: March 27th, 2012, 3:22 amThe following is an excerpt from one of my more...interesting patients. It seems, for all intents and purposes, that she feels that she has been kidnapped within her own home, somehow feeling random bouts of pain. I sat her down for about four hours of speaking time, during which she told me the following.
Diagnoses is unknown, causes are unknown. Multiple bouts of anxiety, several episodes of mania and depression, mainly within the weekend hours of staff rotation. Staff within her row feel nervous and frightful when near her, saying they hear strange noises and mumbling. I am the only one designated to treat her as of July 13th, 2006.
(July 14th, 2006; 5:02 PM EST) Office Recording, written down for ease of use.
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I couldn't open my eyes. I strained as hard as I could, pushing my eyelids with every ounce of strength I had; I needed to see where I was, where I had been taken. I had heard of kidnappings before on the news and on television shows, but I never thought it would happen to me, an average twenty year old girl working at a fast food chain. I never asked for this, nor did I do anything to deserve it. It just happened out of nowhere as I was walking home. I felt a small tear form on the corner of my left eye.
I moved every part of my body one at a time to see if I was in any immediate danger. First my right arm; bound, of course. Which meant my left arm was bound as well, and so it was as I attempted to move it towards my face. I tried moving my head in circles across my collarbone; fortunately, my head was free to move at the very least. My right leg seemed to be free somehow, as was my left, and as I moved them my mind slowly began to force them to move as if in struggle. I scooted my bare feet across what felt like a stone floor, sliding across the occasional loose pebble. Where the hell was I?
I finally opened my mouth to breathe in a very heavy, very slow and long breath. I needed to relax if I was going to figure this all out; at least I knew that, as much as my body wanted to, I couldn't struggle. I had to keep calm and focused. And so, with this thought in the front of my mind, I once again tried to move my legs. Only this time I wasn't trying to figure out where I was, I was attempting to figure out what position I was in. I didn't know if I was lying down or sitting down. I could move my legs and head, and my feet would scoot across a floor, but my arms were bound behind me. It felt as if I was sitting down in a chair from where my legs were moving, but when I shifted my arms, it felt as if I was propped against a wall. It didn't make sense.
I attempted to open my eyes once more, this time more slowly than before. They still wouldn't open as much as I strained. I could feel nothing on my face preventing them from opening; it was as if in a dream, I was cursed to darkness. But I new that I could somehow open them. I could feel the freedom of opening my eyes just as well as when I would sit down to read a book. Once more I tried, straining my muscles, to open my eyes. I needed to see where I am as much as I needed to breathe, as much as my heart needed to beat. Over and over I tried in vain to open them, tears sliding down my cheeks and onto my neck, and finally, after what felt like hours, I managed to open them just enough to see light and a blurry image of what seemed to be...someone else?
Someone else was in here with me. I couldn't tell what they looked like, nor could I see if they were moving. But I knew it was a person. At least, that's what my mind is telling me at this point. I cried out to the person, trying to catch their attention. But nothing came out of my mouth. Not even a groan was released from my voice box. I could feel my body shaking with horrifying magnitude now, the fear finally beginning to wash over me. I needed to hear this person's voice so badly that it felt as if I was a child vying for his parent's attention. It was a basic instinct for me now.
Over and over I opened my mouth, shouting nothing at the person across from me. Suddenly I realized that now, since my eyes were open a bit, I could look down at my body and figure out where I was. Calming myself a bit at this thought, I carefully turned my head downwards towards my chest. If I could scream, I would.
My body is ripped open, the skin folded left and right to reveal a darkness within. I could see no organs or bones, only blackness. I opened my mouth as if to scream, but once again no sound was released. Instead I contented myself to cry vigorously, letting every single tear hold nothing back. Was I dead? Am I still alive somehow? Why can't I open my god damn eyes?!
I can't take it anymore. I have to move! I have to get out of here! I need to go home...I need to see my parents, my girlfriend. I need to look into their eyes and cry. I need them to hold me. I need it! I want it! I have to have it!
"Are you awake?"
The voice startled me so much I had hit my head whatever was behind me. I move my head frantically trying to see where this voice was coming from. I opened my mouth, trying in vain to call out to this person. I finally had contact. They could release me...
"I was hoping you would stay asleep for a little while longer. Could you do that for me, Salem?"
Salem? Who's that? I turned my head to look at the other person in the room, realizing that it could be them. But now another person was standing over them, holding what seemed to be like a paper bag. He knelt over the other person, moving his free arm across their head, as if he was petting them. This person terrified me. I didn't know why, they just did. They had red eyes and large hands, and...
The standing person walked towards me, holding his bag to his side. He put the bag down next to my head with a slight clunk sound; something metal was in it. I felt that, whatever it was, it wasn't good for me. But neither was the entire situation I was in. He put his arm into the bag and pulled out something white and shiny; something that looked, terribly, like it was very sharp. I struggled with my feet, kicking and flailing with them. But the person doesn't seem to be phased by this at all. They lower the white object into my chest's cavity, placing it carefully within.
I couldn't feel the thing he was putting inside me. It scared me even more to think that something sharp was inside of me. It began to hurt somehow, even though for some reason I couldn't feel the object. All I felt was pain; a sharp, very intense stabbing pain within my...arm? What was this person doing to me?!
I shifted my arms ferociously to deter the person, but again, they do not seem to notice. They keep...cutting my arms, pulling the skin off of them. They start putting things inside of them, white, sharp objects. Then I start to feel pain in different parts of my body; eventually it was everywhere, filling my body. I couldn't keep this up, not for one more minute. I can't feel pain for very long without fainting. It hurts too much. It hurts. It hurts so much. Please help me!
I can't take this anymore! Make it stop! Please, make it go away, daddy! Make it all stop! I will kill you!
Slowly but surely I begin to die, letting the feeling wash over me as quickly as possible. I embrace it like it was an everyday feeling, something I process normally on a daily basis. I just fall back and let it wash all over me. Eventually, the pain stops. I feel myself descend ever so slowly into the darkness. But I felt I needed to pay homage to the other person within the chamber with me.
I moved my head over and looked at her. She seemed to be moving a little bit. She raised her head just enough to see me, and I then saw her mouth drop open at the sight of me. She throws her hands over her mouth in terror, scooting herself back across the floor against the wall. The man killing me rushes to her side, comforting her, while she hugs him with all of her strength. I can't take it. It hurts. It hurts too much. It's all over me! Get it off!
I begin to feel myself fall into the darkness, this time more quickly. I don't hit a floor or feel the air flowing over my body; I feel nothing at all, as if floating through space itself. The pain eases. My body closes and my mind begins to wander. I just let it all...wash over me. It's over now...isn't it? Is it? Is it!?
Can I open my eyes now? Please!? Let me open them!
Diagnoses is unknown, causes are unknown. Multiple bouts of anxiety, several episodes of mania and depression, mainly within the weekend hours of staff rotation. Staff within her row feel nervous and frightful when near her, saying they hear strange noises and mumbling. I am the only one designated to treat her as of July 13th, 2006.
(July 14th, 2006; 5:02 PM EST) Office Recording, written down for ease of use.
--------
I couldn't open my eyes. I strained as hard as I could, pushing my eyelids with every ounce of strength I had; I needed to see where I was, where I had been taken. I had heard of kidnappings before on the news and on television shows, but I never thought it would happen to me, an average twenty year old girl working at a fast food chain. I never asked for this, nor did I do anything to deserve it. It just happened out of nowhere as I was walking home. I felt a small tear form on the corner of my left eye.
I moved every part of my body one at a time to see if I was in any immediate danger. First my right arm; bound, of course. Which meant my left arm was bound as well, and so it was as I attempted to move it towards my face. I tried moving my head in circles across my collarbone; fortunately, my head was free to move at the very least. My right leg seemed to be free somehow, as was my left, and as I moved them my mind slowly began to force them to move as if in struggle. I scooted my bare feet across what felt like a stone floor, sliding across the occasional loose pebble. Where the hell was I?
I finally opened my mouth to breathe in a very heavy, very slow and long breath. I needed to relax if I was going to figure this all out; at least I knew that, as much as my body wanted to, I couldn't struggle. I had to keep calm and focused. And so, with this thought in the front of my mind, I once again tried to move my legs. Only this time I wasn't trying to figure out where I was, I was attempting to figure out what position I was in. I didn't know if I was lying down or sitting down. I could move my legs and head, and my feet would scoot across a floor, but my arms were bound behind me. It felt as if I was sitting down in a chair from where my legs were moving, but when I shifted my arms, it felt as if I was propped against a wall. It didn't make sense.
I attempted to open my eyes once more, this time more slowly than before. They still wouldn't open as much as I strained. I could feel nothing on my face preventing them from opening; it was as if in a dream, I was cursed to darkness. But I new that I could somehow open them. I could feel the freedom of opening my eyes just as well as when I would sit down to read a book. Once more I tried, straining my muscles, to open my eyes. I needed to see where I am as much as I needed to breathe, as much as my heart needed to beat. Over and over I tried in vain to open them, tears sliding down my cheeks and onto my neck, and finally, after what felt like hours, I managed to open them just enough to see light and a blurry image of what seemed to be...someone else?
Someone else was in here with me. I couldn't tell what they looked like, nor could I see if they were moving. But I knew it was a person. At least, that's what my mind is telling me at this point. I cried out to the person, trying to catch their attention. But nothing came out of my mouth. Not even a groan was released from my voice box. I could feel my body shaking with horrifying magnitude now, the fear finally beginning to wash over me. I needed to hear this person's voice so badly that it felt as if I was a child vying for his parent's attention. It was a basic instinct for me now.
Over and over I opened my mouth, shouting nothing at the person across from me. Suddenly I realized that now, since my eyes were open a bit, I could look down at my body and figure out where I was. Calming myself a bit at this thought, I carefully turned my head downwards towards my chest. If I could scream, I would.
My body is ripped open, the skin folded left and right to reveal a darkness within. I could see no organs or bones, only blackness. I opened my mouth as if to scream, but once again no sound was released. Instead I contented myself to cry vigorously, letting every single tear hold nothing back. Was I dead? Am I still alive somehow? Why can't I open my god damn eyes?!
I can't take it anymore. I have to move! I have to get out of here! I need to go home...I need to see my parents, my girlfriend. I need to look into their eyes and cry. I need them to hold me. I need it! I want it! I have to have it!
"Are you awake?"
The voice startled me so much I had hit my head whatever was behind me. I move my head frantically trying to see where this voice was coming from. I opened my mouth, trying in vain to call out to this person. I finally had contact. They could release me...
"I was hoping you would stay asleep for a little while longer. Could you do that for me, Salem?"
Salem? Who's that? I turned my head to look at the other person in the room, realizing that it could be them. But now another person was standing over them, holding what seemed to be like a paper bag. He knelt over the other person, moving his free arm across their head, as if he was petting them. This person terrified me. I didn't know why, they just did. They had red eyes and large hands, and...
The standing person walked towards me, holding his bag to his side. He put the bag down next to my head with a slight clunk sound; something metal was in it. I felt that, whatever it was, it wasn't good for me. But neither was the entire situation I was in. He put his arm into the bag and pulled out something white and shiny; something that looked, terribly, like it was very sharp. I struggled with my feet, kicking and flailing with them. But the person doesn't seem to be phased by this at all. They lower the white object into my chest's cavity, placing it carefully within.
I couldn't feel the thing he was putting inside me. It scared me even more to think that something sharp was inside of me. It began to hurt somehow, even though for some reason I couldn't feel the object. All I felt was pain; a sharp, very intense stabbing pain within my...arm? What was this person doing to me?!
I shifted my arms ferociously to deter the person, but again, they do not seem to notice. They keep...cutting my arms, pulling the skin off of them. They start putting things inside of them, white, sharp objects. Then I start to feel pain in different parts of my body; eventually it was everywhere, filling my body. I couldn't keep this up, not for one more minute. I can't feel pain for very long without fainting. It hurts too much. It hurts. It hurts so much. Please help me!
I can't take this anymore! Make it stop! Please, make it go away, daddy! Make it all stop! I will kill you!
Slowly but surely I begin to die, letting the feeling wash over me as quickly as possible. I embrace it like it was an everyday feeling, something I process normally on a daily basis. I just fall back and let it wash all over me. Eventually, the pain stops. I feel myself descend ever so slowly into the darkness. But I felt I needed to pay homage to the other person within the chamber with me.
I moved my head over and looked at her. She seemed to be moving a little bit. She raised her head just enough to see me, and I then saw her mouth drop open at the sight of me. She throws her hands over her mouth in terror, scooting herself back across the floor against the wall. The man killing me rushes to her side, comforting her, while she hugs him with all of her strength. I can't take it. It hurts. It hurts too much. It's all over me! Get it off!
I begin to feel myself fall into the darkness, this time more quickly. I don't hit a floor or feel the air flowing over my body; I feel nothing at all, as if floating through space itself. The pain eases. My body closes and my mind begins to wander. I just let it all...wash over me. It's over now...isn't it? Is it? Is it!?
Can I open my eyes now? Please!? Let me open them!
