Shallow Road

[Killswitch]

I wrote the earlier version right here. Too bad I don't know how to edit posts there yet.

Shallow Road

My life has always been miserable
Those were the times of my fall
I took the darkest path of my history
My nightmare turned into reality

I touched the portal of the afterlife
The world I left behind stabbed me with a knife
On the mysterious road, I walked further
As time passes, the skies were getting darker

Thought I heard footsteps behind
Or maybe I was just blind
Thunder roared into the skies
Cracks on the road filled with lies

I've felt spirits beside me
This eerie cold, can't break free
Ahead, I saw blurred vision
The freezing I cannot shun

My emotion became dread
I heard voices of the dead
The gray smoke began to spread
"Where the Hell am I?", I said

Behind me, something was moving
This fearfulness was stunning
Hands below, they were pulling
These weren't human being

I was brought to underground
I felt lost but never found
Why was I hearing this sound?
They seemed like barks of a hound

They were bright fires everywhere
I heard evil laughs, I swear
Felt like I can't go alone
The floor was burning brimstone

These hot feet, I broke to flee
Shadows were following me
Cold environment was sad
Had the universe gone mad?

Fugitive foretold through verse
Tragedy brought by the curse
Unexplained phobia, it grows
Strange wastleland on fire, it glows

[SuperMIC]

The rhymes felt EXTRMELY and horribly forced, to the point were the lucidity and flow of the poem was entirely lost. Poems don't have to rhyme, y'know...

[NyansIsAPyro]

Agreed. It wasn't horrible, but not good, either. It felt a little too dark for my taste, but I believe that was what you were going for, anyway.

[Killswitch]

It's a dark poem, indeed. But my intentions here are to tell a story in a poetric form and to combine horror with fantasy.

[Avo]

OK, so as it looks, most of the parts are an AABB rhyming scheme. Even some are just AAAA. If you want to make a poem, as SMic said, it doesn't have to rhyme. There are many great poems that don't rhyme. The rhymes aren't even consistent, as I said with the whole AABB, AAAA thing. Especially the rhymes that just end with "ing". If you want to improve this, I would suggest sticking to one rhyming scheme, as it looks, AABB. And if you want to squeeze one more in there, don't make the rhymes end in "ing".

An interesting premise. But executed a bit poorly.