Trapped

[lordpat]

Move on. That's what they've been telling me for three years. Move on, move on....I hope it was that easy. People look at me, they judge me like if I was some kind of object. I'm being tested every second. It's my life, for God's love! Move on? Move on? Don't you think I tried? You think I'm an idiot that has decided to be sad for the rest of my life? I try, I really do. But it's worthless. It's always worthless. I can't. Believe me, I can't. For three years, I tried with every piece of my soul. It's worthless. I can't move on.
...
...
But maybe I'm getting off-topic. It's not about my friends that "care" about me. It's about my beloved wife.
We married very young, I was 18 and she was 22. My friends always made fun of me. It's not common to be married with a woman older than you, but we were very happy anyway. We didn't care what other thought about us. We were happy anyway. We were happy anyway, so happy.
She was my sun. I couldn't think of anything but her. She was funny, smart and incredibly nice. She wasn't the prettiest one in the world, but I didn't care about that. When I was with her....there are no words to say what I felt. I was happy, happy, happy...but now....I'm trapped. Trapped in myself. In my own memories. In my own past. There's no way out. I'm my own jail.
I've already told you, I couldn't think of anything but her, and that didn't change. Every room I enter, I see her face, her hair, her smile. I can't erase that from my mind. She'll be always here and everywhere to torture me. But I'm not surprised, after what I've done to her. I wouldn't be surprised if her ghost, aware that I still love her, will be here just to make me suffer.
Again, she wasn't the prettiest woman in the world, and that was my curse. I once met a young lady that was simply beautiful . And....I mean it. I couldn't resist it. My insticnt was stronger than my mind and my heart. I couldn't. Please don't blame me! I did what I could! My wife....my wife found us in a rather....akward moment. I still remember her scream. That was the first time I saw her angry. I realized....I was her sun the same way she was mine.
I begged her to forgive me, with every piece of my soul, but she didn't answer me. She was quiet. At every moment. She was...was....trapped. Trapped in those memories we were together, that despite my promises and beggings, both know were in the past. She couldn't take it. All that happiness, was in the past? We would never be happy again?
The next day she was dead. She shot herself. It was obvious. There was no other option....It wasn't my fault! She was the crazy one!No....no....stop judging me!
Why do you keep torturing like this, Emily! I didn't want to! I asked you to forgive me! Please! Please! Release me from my memories.... I'm sorry! I can't take it anymore! Just help me! Why? It was a mistake!
...
...
Now, I think I get it. Hapiness is only in our past. Remembering is what keep us alive....but also dead. For three years, my happiest memories, memories I'll never get back, memories that show me what I've lost. Every second of my life, those memories appeared. I used to be happy. I'll never be happy again.
There's only one way to escape from this, the same way Emily did to escape from her memories.

[MessengerOfDreams]

So, the idea itself was a pretty well-worn idea, but it can work if you do it right. And for the most part, while it veered heavy-handed at times, it was pulled off well. We're supposed to feel overwhelming heartache, remorse, emotion, and you got that. My biggest complaints, however, are with the jarring tonal shifts. While they're only a few lines, they really throw the whole thing off course for a moment.

I refer, of course, to

"How about YOU ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ shut up! Don't you think I tried? You think I'm an idiot that has decided to be sad for the rest of my life? Oh, thank you. I don't need your help. Your advices are pointless. I'm making my choices not you! I'll do whatever I want to do with my life!"

The sudden, jarring angry rant at the beginning just doesn't seem to fit the rest of it. Yes, the anger is justified but it doesn't have the broken elegance as the rest of the story. Just calling them "♥♥♥♥♥♥♥" and the random sarcasm... it seems informal and unprofessional writing-wise. Just a tidbit.

And this I have big issue with.

"I once met a young lady that was incredibly smoking hot."

Smoking hot? Sure, portray the idea that he was seduced by a beautiful woman far sexier than his and he cheated, but calling her incredibly smoking hot takes the story from a lonely, depressed living room to a bar talking to his other duuuude friends about how he wants to bone that smoking hot chick. Two different tones and it really throws it off.

"Please don't blame me!"

Not a fan of useless fourth wall breaking. It doesn't make it feel like he's alone anymore, and that's the big, big feeling.

This is, however, the best best part.

"I was her sun the same way she was mine."

That's just the perfect summarization. When he breaks down yelling at her ghost, it really just leaps off the page. It isn't cheesy, and you can imagine the man screaming it aloud, not just narrating it. It really brings to life this scene of him in a broken house they kept together, alone and haunted three years later that he indirectly took her life. It's plausible, not cheesy or cliched or overdramatic beyond as overdramatic needs to be.

So yeah, overall I thought it was pretty good, it portrayed the idea well, it just had real record-scratch moments.

8.25/10

[lordpat]

Thanks a lot for the review, MoD.

The story has been edited by the way.