Fake Plastic Trees

[MessengerOfDreams]

Two minus one equals one.

I never knew math could save a life until you saw I had no balloons and could only leave myself to bleed; out of lives. I was so reckless, so careless, barely afloat in bramble patches through storms of my own doing, feeling invincible as if life wasn’t in the hands of flimsy rubber,until the lightning finally caught me and sent me spiraling to the bottom of the world, next to skeletons like me.

Now here I am, stuck alone on a fallen ship mast, a mangled mess jumping with nothing to keep me afloat, wasting my balloons as if they were worthless and only realizing their value when I fell alone. My journey had ended, my song was silent, my game was over.

Then you saw me.

You only had two balloons, one for you, one for you. One red as the blood that painted patterns into my skin, one as white as the clouds I used to call home. You could fly forever. The world I lost was yours. Many saw me hanging from my own noose slowly tightening and said that this was what someone who wasted their treasures asked for. The bottom of the world’s the best place to take a look at who you were. But you were different. You saw me here so far from home and didn’t pity me, didn’t judge me, simply graced me with a kind smile I could die having witnessed, for you knew then what I didn’t.

You never knew me, you never had a reason to care, but you knew the equation. You handed me one of your balloons, white as a sky of future promises, and watched it pull me to my feet. I asked you why you did this. I had wasted my gift, but you took a risk on me and shared the gifts you had earned. You didn’t know me, didn’t know how bad of a game I played to end up here, and you never had to, but you took the risk.

You smiled and said “I can always blow up a new balloon. All it takes is some effort and strong lungs.” I smiled, even though my lungs were too weak to speak for myself much less save my life, I knew I could breathe again. I don’t know if life is truly that simple, but it sounds like everything I’ve missed.

You never touch the balloon again, because you know the answer. A gift is nice, but a balloon can’t heal scars. I started this journey, and I’ll end it on my terms, but I won’t end it alone. I wonder if someday you may find your balloon brigade losing the air we breathe. I know that I would give my last balloon up for you, because we are the friends we need.

For now, I will learn to fly in such a way that will give to you what you have given me.

One plus one is two.
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They say every high has a crash but crashing into you made my high.

I’m refusing not to believe it, because I’ve established myself as a fool, a social ratings stunt, unleashed on the world to be a memorable little ghost. Believing that I’m beautiful is so easy to do around you. Every quirk of mine could inspire a poem from you and I want to hear them all. You hold my hand like you expect me to disappear but I’ve promised myself that I’ll never leave.

Every moment is oversaturated with you, and I love how blind it makes me.

The world I used to savor is one I can only see through fogged glass and rose tinted spectacles. We dance around the word but live every action, calling this something more to hold back the nausea we get spending every waking moment on a roller coaster. I shudder under your touch because I know it’s you, and I pretend there’s no way you could lose my trust.

I’ve forgotten my name, I might have forgotten yours too. I just know your face, your voice, your words, your poetry, more than I know myself. I connect to you like I connect to even the slightest hobby- desperately falling further to avoid facing the real world.

I’m told I’m still on this planet but I still want to see my face on a milk carton because it means I never have to go back. Never go back to being the person I hated, never going back to the sins I’ve committed, never going back to all the other ones I’ve loved and lost and left before the broken windows and shattered memories broke through.

You’re different, I say. You’ve got a sincere smile, you hold me with care and not with selfishness. You take my jokes in stride and you make promises you think you can keep. Against myself, I think you’ll keep them as well. Goddamnit, you’re so sincere, so naive, so adorable. You’re like the fluffy house kitten who lounges on the laps of those who love him and I’m the flea-ravaged alley cat missing more parts than they have. It’s so perfect, to the point where it’s riddled with flaws I hope we never have to acknowledge.

You say you’re like me but I’ve never seen it. It’s just kind lip service. I’ve cultured your legacy in my mind and it’s as beautiful as we are. I let you sing to me and never notice your voice crack. I take shelter in your home and pass by the cracks in the walls or the chips in the windows. When you say that you trust me I start to believe it’s because I’m worth trusting and not because I brush over your flaws while painting our masterpiece.

You whisper in my ear sweet nothings- this is the best time I’ve ever had, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me- still avoiding one word we both can’t say, because we know we don’t mean it, and we can’t crack this illusion. Sweet nothings will do because there’s nothing about this moment I would change.

The say after every high is a crash, but I know the more I dive in the further I get from falling out of the dream.
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I don't know what you expected of me.

I don’t know what I expected of you.

We went blind for too long. We never knew. Every promise you made and every lie I told. Now here we are, trapped by reality. You only have the privilege of seeing my best, and when you find me at my worst, you have the nerve to balk?

That burns the worst, because you were supposed to be different from that. I said that over and over as if to convince myself.

You were my closest friend. I thought you'd be there for me no matter what. I thought when you praised who I was you kept in mind that I was most certainly nowhere near the perfect human being you thought I was. It’s so easy to pretend.

Around you, I was at my best, but you made it perfectly clear that you were nowhere near perfect. I knew your flaws. I acknowledged your mistakes, but I trust you. That’s what friends do.

You and I were always similar. That's what bound us together. We shared a world no one else could see and let it imprison us. You showed me beautiful things within myself I had never discovered. You made me feel incredible. You were incredible.

Now you've just gutted me.

Who let go first? Why does it matter?

Have we forgotten about the endless days we've spent with each other, inspiring one another, changing one another's lives only through the power of words and actions? Have you abandoned that? Have you abandoned me?

You were supposed to be there for me.

Why must you feel a need to take on everyone's burden, including those who you don't even really know the way I do? Why did I let you save me if it meant you’d save everyone? You don't know anything. Why are you so naive that you will fall for anything for the sake of helping those who don't need it?

Let go.

I saw you come up towards me, looking as if you've seen a ghost. I knew you knew things I didn't want to know. I knew you wanted me to tell you. You weren't looking at me the way you used to. That look of understanding, patience, admiration. No, you were looking over me, analyzing my flaws and all that you thought that I wasn't.

I was finally a spectacle.

I may have looked different. I may have been different. I was different, but so were you. In that moment, I felt your naivete drop, leaving only a judgmental glance as you finally saw me for who I was.

You were already too far gone to save.

I should have known how easy you’d find the tree of knowledge. I should have known that you would have fallen for the fruit. As soon as the trials hit you fell out, like you were never there. You promised you understood, and you went back on that as soon as reality set in. Reason all you want, make every excuse in the world- you’re not my savior anymore. You’re a liar. You’re just another ♥♥♥♥ up human being who thinks he can turn off the human condition.

I hope whenever you see yourself in the mirror, you see me in it. I’m glad I held onto the words I never said because you never deserved them. I loved everything in you I could have seen in myself, and now I hate everything I see in you that I’m left with.
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Telling myself what I believed filled in empty space in an empty life. I know the one I used to call mine. I’m a master illusionist, creating what I need out of someone who never knew better. I’ve spent so long figuring out who to blame. Me for all my broken hearts and you for all your broken promises.

The crash sends me deeper than before. I’m in hell, I’m well and truly alone, and whatever’s out there is just mine. Even if I dig myself up I’m just pulling myself to a starting position, repeating the cycle of life over again, just waiting for the Scarlet A in my heart to tear through what’s skin deep like a switchblade to every last balloon.

Gone. Just like that. You’re gone.

Before the mind could breach a heart too desperate to ignore the faded touches, the skipped meetings, three words forever unsaid, the only letter you ever sent me ending all that I ever sent you.

Christ how could I be so blind to who you are and what you wanted and how it wasn’t me. How did I delude myself again? Why did I let the first knight come by even in tissue paper armor to sweep me away on a glass horse waiting to break?

Do I ever come to your mind, because I can’t stop thinking about you when my mind wanders too far, and I can’t think of the fantasy I always wanted and the reality that was never there, just the aftermath.

The reason I don’t look people in the eye when I speak because I know they won’t guide my face to theirs to tell me face to face it’s all right and they want to look at me,
the reason I don't listen to music with words any longer because I know they were made to crticize me,
the reason memories blindside me and I stop to hate myself for a moment,
the reason I'm too quick to admit my freakshow tendencies so I can just scare people away before they come too close like you.

You were the final nail in the coffin for comfort in my own skin through metamorphosis, more a dying caterpillar than a fresh butterfly, because I still wonder if I’m desirable, someone wanted me, who I am is attractive, because I realize you never kissed me first.

Now every time I realize why you didn’t want me I remember you rarely told me what you needed, you ♥♥♥♥ rent-a-savior. I only now theorize madly how wrong it went, never knowing because you never explained to me what you needed. I still can't tell you how much the idea of you being destroyed by the reality of you has left me still in progress, then I realize, ♥♥♥♥, we WERE perfect for each other.

Silence is the loudest parting word.

I wonder still if you ever ask yourself how the dream died. I wonder if you care. I wonder if you regret. I regret too much to document.

All I can do is start again. Find my balloons, and fly with utmost caution. Never stop anywhere, never rest, never find a place to retire. The only moments of certainty I could find were the ones where I knew I was flying. I’ll fly and never look back. I’d rather exist in nothing if it means the possibility of finding something true. The dream is dead, and I’m going to stay awake this time.

Two minus one is one.