Alright, so, finally got around to reading this. Firstly, I want to mention that the combat is well-written, and I like the whole spy-agent theme you got going, it's refreshing from your usual student-based stories.
I only have a few things to point out, and none of them are necessarily 'bad' or 'wrong,' so keep that in mind.
And remember I'm still learning to write, so take my criticism with a grain of saltScenes in this feel like they move
really fast, and that's fine and dandy for action scenes, but moments like when Taka and Miyu met or are just casually talking, the scenes feel like they move a little faster than is natural.
Speaking of when Taka and Miyu first met, (and possibly my biggest peeve) it feels like Taka agrees too easily to work with her. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, but Taka actually feels like the least established character here- maybe I just missed it, but he doesn't appear to have any quirks that decide his actions outside of Leo's death and loyalty to his partners (come to think of it, this story almost feels like it's being narrated from a side character instead of the main character)
"I'm not sure if I was just really hungry or what" Nothing major here, only that leaving "what" at the end seems a tad bit unobservant for an agent
(I mean I get it, sometimes it's just hard to come up with descriptions...)
Also "knock-out chemicals" totally sounds like chloroform, js
Despite all my yapping, I did enjoy reading this, and it is nice to see you write something with a more consistent serious tone to it, nice job
Now you can stop yelling at me to read this
Posted: August 23rd, 2016, 12:56 pm
Glad you enjoyed.