Zunar's Machinimas (e.g. TLoM, TLoL)

[zebtrestalala]

I agree, the play format is a little rough and jaunty looking. It doesn't flow very well and doesn't look all that professional.

For example, you could put chapter 1 like this:

Chapter 1
One day, at Princess Peach's Castle
"Mario!" Peach shouted. "Come here! I need to talk to you!"
Mario walked up to Peach, having just arrived, and asked "what's up?
"Bowser hasn't been attacking us lately," she explained with a concerned look on her face. "I worried that he's making some sort of plan"
"Well aren't we getting optimistic? Of course he's making plans!" he said, with an expression that just screamed "duh."
"Yesh Mario," responded Peach sarcastically. "You don't have to be Captain Obvious"

See? It flows a lot better. Maybe I just don't really like plays, but still, this seems kinda weird to read.

[Zunar]

Ok, I'll change it. Thank you for the suggestion.

EDIT: About half of the story so far is now in the new format.
EDIT EDIT: All of the story so far is now in the new format.

[agentms11]

Really good!!!
I dont really know what to say...
But it was real good!!
It had its funny parts.
And the brawl parts idea was pretty original.
The story in general is pretty good.
Please continue!!!
Can't wait for more!!!!!

[Zunar]

Thanks agentms11! I really appreciate your kindness! I will continue, yes. Chapters 9&10 whould be done by tomorrow.

BTW, on a scale from 1/10 to 10/10 (1 being bad and 10 being excellent), what do you rate it?

[agentms11]

Thanks agentms11! I really appreciate your kindness!

You're welcome!!!

I will continue, yes. Chapters 9&10 whould be done by tomorrow.

Yay!!!
Cant wait for it!!!

BTW, on a scale from 1/10 to 10/10 (1 being bad and 10 being excellent), what do you rate it?

I'd say...8.
It is pretty good!!!

[Zunar]

The Legend of Luigi

This story is also inspired by a machinima on YouTube. It's the same name and concept, but not the same story.

Intro
But there is another part to the legend that is not well known.
Mario and the Hero of Time sealed the evil away, but it was not sealed for long. Mario's brother, the green-caped plumber Luigi, had battled evil also. The evil he battled had not been sealed and that evil worked and unsealed the thought-to-be-sealed evil. The evil combined, resulting in a cataclysm that devastated the world. Luckily, Mario, Luigi, the Hero of Time, and some unlikely allies defeated the evil and sealed it away once more, making sure to seal ALL the evil away. And peace was restored to the world.

Chapter 1
In the Mushroom Kingdom...
"Luigi!" shouted Mario, "You there?"
Luigi walked up with a tired look in his eyes, and replied sleepily, "Yeah, but it's 6:00 in the morning!"
"I need you to help me find Bowser!" explained Mario. "Again?" Luigi replied, still sleepy. "Yes again," said Mario.
"Let's find out later. I'm too tired."

"Come on, Luigi! The world depends on us!" said Mario with a hint of urgency in his voice.
"Fine," replied Luigi, rubbing his eyes, "but I probably won't be much help. Where is he?"
"That I don't know," explained Mario, "But what I do know is that he's planning something."
Luigi scoffed, and with a sarcastic tone, said, "Naw, he's not planning anything!"
"Luigi, come on. You know I hate it when you get sarcastic," replied Mario.
Luigi doubled over laughing.

Mario grabs Luigi and says, "Luigi, come on! We need to find Bowser!"
Luigi stops laughing and starts coughing, " Mario....let....go....I....can't....breathe...."
Mario releases Luigi and with urgency in his voice, said, "Come on! Let's go!" and he runs off, with Luigi on his heels.
So Mario and Luigi go off to find Bowser. But they don't know that they will meet someone else first...

Later that day, deeper into the Mushroom Kingdom (Mushroom Kingdom 2)
"Having to travel through this place every time we leave the other section of the Mushroom Kingdom is tiring me out...," said Mario, with a tired look on his face and sweat sliding down his face.
"I know what you mean," replied Luigi, panting, "We really need more stamina!"

"Yeah. I think we need to rest," suggested Mario. He sits down. "Good idea," replied Luigi. He sat down next to Mario.
A dark figure appears and says, "Mario, it is time for you to die!"
Mario jumps up and, with fright in his voice, said, "W-who's there?"
"Your worst nightmare," the figure replied.

"Who are you?" asked Mario.
"That shall be revealed in good time my friend," the figure replied as it unsheathed it's sword, "Let us battle..."
"Come on, Luigi! We can take him!" said Mario.
The figure sheathes it's sword and says, "No, you cannot fight together on this," then shoots a beam at Mario.
The beam hits Mario and knocks him back. Mario gets up and, with anger in his voice, says, "You're dead now!" He runs at the figure.

The figure wiggles his finger at Mario and says, "Ah-ah-ah. I won't do that." "Take this!" said Mario.
He runs right through the figure and almost falls off the edge of a platform. "What? Agh!" says Mario, suprised, as he grabbed the edge of the platform to save himself from falling.

"Mario....do you wish to find out who I am?" the figure says, "Or do you wish to fight first?"
Mario climbs up and replies, "I will fight you and kill you!"
"Very well then." The figure replied. He throws up his hand and a portal appears. "If you wish to fight, enter this portal," the figure said.

Mario jumps into the portal out of anger and didn't think about it beforehand. "Mario!" Luigi shouts. He runs at the portal, but the figure knocks him back. "You shall stay here," the figure says, with an evil tone, "Your brother shall return unharmed, unless he does not cooperate. Farewell." The figure steps into the portal and the portal disappears. "Mario...," Luigi says. He sits down and thinks. "Why couldn't I go?" Luigi thought, "That figure seemed...odd. Like I've never seen him before." Luigi jumped up. "Mario, I'm coming for you!" Luigi shouts. He runs off in search of his brother...

Chapter 2
~COMING SOON~

[Blablob]

Sounds like a crappy version of Paper Mario

Just kidding, Zunar. It's pretty good, but I would space out the paragraphs if I were you. It makes it much easier to read. And spend a little more time on your chapters. But other than that, it's pretty good

[Zunar]

Thank you, Blablob. But what do you mean space out my paragraphs? They are spaced out.

[Blablob]

Your chapters are spaced out, but not paragraphs.

[Zunar]

Well, there really aren't paragraphs, but I will separate the story into shorter paragraphs.