Get Things Off of Your Chest

[Charcoal]

I was gonna try and keep this secret for awhile but I just can't. Like, I just CAN'T. It's defining my life so much right now. Everytime I think of it I get terrified. Pain meds and cough meds don't help worth a ♥♥♥♥ and I'm lying here at two in the morning just hating my hacking decrepit hairy male and now cancerous body. I was diagnosed with lymphoma the other day. I haven't even made it to my biopsy and I'm already losing it. It's not supposed to be fatal but why am I so terrified and just broken? I'm not even gonna die but I feel it claiming my life.

I should've replied to the topic it was actually posted on, but this sounds serious; so I want to reply to it here.

I don't know what the best advice is for you,
I guess just live with it and stay positive. Don't let this claim your life. Don't dwell on it.
I notice how much of a great influence you are when you are positive, especially to me 2-4 years ago. You were an amazing influence then and still are today.
For me, I've been acting more random and funny around my peers to cope with my depression, and it has made me feel better as a person as I see it has such a positive impact on people around me rather than the anger I expressed during my sophomore and junior years.
Just keep being yourself.

[Charcoal]

Pardon me for double posting, but this is something I think is serious; and I really need some help from this.
I'm about to go visit my mother, stepfather, and stepbrother for a few hours tomorrow. All three are nice and caring people, especially my stepbrother. However, I'm only doing this to see me stepbrother and to bring back Christmas gifts they have for me over there. I'm not too keen on going because it was my mother and stepfather that really had some negative effect on my personality and emotions. I still to this day cannot let go of the pain that I have felt over there. I couldn't really act my silly and happy self over there without them saying that it's rude or disrespectful. When I started feeling depressed and I tried venting and speaking my mind, they wouldn't hear it. Even if I was over-the-top yelling about it, either way if I tried to express my problems a lot of times they would shut me out...that or they would just be against me on my problems. I would act clumsy sometimes like drop something. Oops. Okay not a big deal...until I saw my stepdad just roll his eyes and exhale as if he was impatient or something. They would keep telling me to communicate with people or maybe force a conversation with me, but I share no common interests with them, and they really don't reach out to me that much in terms of communication in my opinion. They didn't trust me much, and I wouldn't either because they promised to give back Smash 4 a year ago if I acted appropriately. Turns out they were selling it instead. Way to keep a promise

I could go on about this, but I think the big concern are these next things. They hardly ever forgave me when I apologized. They would say that I would have to prove it or show it or something. They would not hear what I had to say because they always think I'm wrong. They always interrupt me when I am trying to say my side of things. They only want to get what want to address out of their mouths. And they yell so much for reason. Also my mother just beats the ever living ♥♥♥♥ out of me if she gets mad enough. I'm probably making this sound too harsh, but I don't want them in my life anymore. I don't want to deal with them ever again. They have discriminated my personality and have dictated me for years now.

I see my dad has grown wiser and learned things after the divorce. My mother: nothing changed. I don't know what it is, but she isn't letting anything go, and she probably refuses to admit it. I don't know what is going on with my mother and her husband, but I am fed up with how they have treated me these past few years. It has been nothing but uneasiness and a ♥♥♥♥ ton of stress and anger. I cannot let go of the pain that they brought upon me, and I feel this urge to just bring hell on them for what they did. Even my best friend at school said himself:

It just seemed to me that she was just mean to you for no reason at times

I just remember a couple of times we were on skype and she went off on you

I don't know what to do. I'm going to see them tomorrow, and I just don't know how to face them. I felt similar feelings with the girl in my 10th grade English class. I didn't want to look at her again because it only brought me pain and the fact that I sounded like an idiot texting her. I can't look at my mother and stepfather or think about them without feeling so much hate and pain.

[Awesomeguy 99]

So at school, we have this system with "Teams" which me being as out of the loop as I usually am, have no idea if other schools do this, but very few of my friends end up on the same team as me, which the teams are pretty much the 4 subjects, and 3 teachers, one teacher teaching 2 subjects. But many of my long time friends are on other teams, and I can almost never talk to them anymore. And it makes me sad, because most of the time I feel like I'm on the team that has the people that no other teachers picked, which usually aren't very well behaved.

[Kimonio]

Sometimes I lay in bed, wondering why I'm even here. It's not that I'm suicidal, just that I'm in a state of limbo. Who am I? WHO am I? WHAT am I? Why am I? It bothers me so much to not know my own life, and that depresses me over anything.

How can one live in joy if one lives lacking joy? Is joy created equal to joy inherited?

[Kimonio]

There is only so much I can tolerate before I snap. To anyone who has been close to me offline, forgive me for the next few paragraphs you are about to see.

Honestly, I'm tired of this ♥♥♥♥. I live every day waking up, usually in panic over nothing, especially if light shines through my curtains. Call me a vampire, I don't give a damn. But you know what? It's the only way I can stay sane at this point, without reverting back to the old volatile me all those years ago.

I'm not the messiah, and certainly not a whiner. I can only take so much, even if I push myself to take it all for the sanctity and sanity of those I love. I've given so much of my goddamn life to make people happy. I've wasted day after day, month after month of my life to make the ones around me happy. I've kept my demons inside, out of sight, in the depths of my mind, where only I can suffer and cope.

I'm on anti depressants. I'm on anti anxiety. I'm on nerve relaxants for my stomach. All because the world and the ones I know have made this.

This basket case of self loathing.

And I'm nearing my breaking point.

I'm on the verge of losing it all inside. Letting everything out in one hell storm of aggression, depression, in a way no one has seen.

Only a few have seen this side of me. It's nasty. It was fine when I was younger, and therapy helped me to contain this rage.

But I'm 20.

There is a side of me no one knows of. The stress I deal with at home. The glass I've walked on to keep people calm. The sacrifices I've made out of pity and humility, almost to the point of being manipulated by the ones I help.

I've paid for people, out of the good of my heart, have taken time I could have spent finding employment to assist those stressed. I've made calls online to friends on the brink of mania, and made enemies standing against an oppressive culture.

And doing so, I made a rut.

Am I sorry? Hell no. But if I could take most of it back, I would.

Staying home to help a mother that I know has a personality disorder.

Keeping secrets for my father that could jeopardize the family.

Complying to a narcissist who can't decide what she wants done for her life.

Trying to help a mentally challenged brother overcome his barriers, when no one else will.

All while dealing with the storm inside.

The suicidal thoughts every week.

The psychopathic concepts I have to keep suppressed.

The mood swings that forever change.

For years I've let myself be a puppet, that's all I know to be. But this puppet is only seconds from cutting his strings, and revolting against his puppeteers.

I have even gone to the extent of developing a Xanax addiction just to mellow myself, but it won't cure nor mend the reality I see.

I'm just a shut in. The big mouthed basketcase set to detonate at any moment.

And that moment could be now, if I were to give up.

I'm tired. Tired, afraid, and angry. And all I want is people to just shut the hell up and accept the fact I'm the one trying to help make them the better people.

But at the same time, I just want them to acknowledge and do the same for me.

Because I honestly am at a point where hell exists, but not in the biblical sense. Hell exists, but in my mind.

And sadly, I'm the devil.

(Tldr, I'm ready to kill in cold blood and not regret a damn thing)

[Charcoal]

Just from reading all of this, I mean...what's wrong with helping those people?
Well...maybe try to step back a bit to take time to help yourself if you can. Maybe tell them that you need to have some time for yourself or something so you can mellow out and give help to yourself.
Maybe I'm not clear about that; I've never dealt with something like that. I've never understood what would drive someone to the point of maybe killing people or something like that.

But, I have dealt with family problems that hurt my personality. Is it possible that some of your close ones have sorta treated you in a way that hurt who you are as a person and/or is driving you to this point?

[Harmless]

This post by Harmless was thumbed up by: 2

Charcoal (January 5th, 2016, 4:51 pm) • Supershroom (January 6th, 2016, 2:36 am)

[~MP3 Amplifier~]

This post by ~MP3 Amplifier~ was thumbed up by:

Harmless (January 6th, 2016, 12:27 pm)

[Kimonio]

I doubt I'll ever hit that point, because I emotionally would stop short at a climax. That was a copy-paste from Facebook, so I was letting everything go, as best I could.

Don't worry too much about me, guys. I love the support you all are giving, and it's heartwarming. I wouldn't ♥♥♥♥ up my life and risk breaking any of your hearts, though. <3

[Charcoal]

Well, I mean...okay. You said don't worry about it, but I don't what to think right now. That was a really serious issue though.
...
No...no, that's me talking from my mom's side of things. I can't do that.